How to get over the "one" ?

[fuckedandbombed]

I am struggling to get over the man I thought was the love of my life.

We were together 5 years. I absolutely adored this man . The connection was powerful and all consuming but he wasn't quite all there . Moody . Difficult. Childlike. No empathy. No sympathy.
We had a still born child . He abandoned me. The relationship was often abusive . (On his part ) and yet I would have died for him.

I left . I was t ready to leave but it was making us both ill. But I had no closure. It's been a year and I still ache for him. I can't imagine ever loving anyone else . I've been on a dozen dates . All terrible. I'm ok alone but all my motivation has gone . I spend weekends in bed . I cannot be arsed to do anything anymore. I dream of my ex. I can't get him out of my head . He is with someone else now but he still used me for sex for a while despite being in a new relationship. I saw the light after a few times . I called him a few choice names and he didn't like that so now we don't talk. But I recently saw him with his new partner. She has a child that would have been same age as ours had she lived . They were stood in a kitchen I painted. In a house we chose together with our baby in mind . A few ki tha ago he asked me round . I went . He showed me where his new family sleep. Told me his new partner found my decor a bit dark . (He chose it I just bought it ). Then he laughed with embarrassment when I started to cry . This is a man who changed his will to spite me after an argument. A man who abandoned me after I had his baby who died . A man who sneered and treated me with utter contempt. And yet I still break my heart every day. He was all I wanted . He didn't want me however and I did take the hi t after 5 years. No o W I know had still been pining for someone a year down the line - I've tried dating , I've tried not dating , I've got animals to preoccupy me , I'm a key worker so no time at home alone . How do you get over feeling like the only man you ever loved and felt comfortable sexually with is gone and the prospect of finding the same again is nil . I live alone . Have for a year . I have a routine that involves work and dog walks and I've friends but I just feel empty and sad and bereft . I take anti depressants . There is no joy in anything anymore. I'm late 40s , alone and destitute stay that way . I've got friends, grown up children, a great friend in ex husband, lots of friends , and yet this last year I've felt empty , bereft, lonely , and at times felt there is no escape. I can't seem to get over this man . I loved him but he didn't love me . He moved on so fast ! Shacked up with his second date from an online site . I've had dozens of dates and nothing feels remotely right . I'm becoming a bitter old cow knowing he has this new family set up while I'm totally isolated. I was the bubbly warm out going one ! He was the miserable introverted morbid misery and he gets his happy ever after. How do I move on because it feels like I'm stuck in this rut .

I'm so glad you had that revelvation about yourself. I think women might also love their abusive partners the same way a mother would a love a child. Your love is precious. You should realise though that he is an abusive, probably damaged man, not a child. I think you might be suffering from depression too.

OP I'm so sorry for your loss. What a heartbreaking thing to go through

I've been where you are, not the loss of a child, but the loss of "the one" when "the one" was a flawed man child who treated me appallingly. I could have written 90% of your post.

In the kindest way possible, you need to prioritise getting yourself into therapy. Search online for a psychodynamic counsellor in your area. You need to unpick why you have such poor boundaries in relationships and lack of respect and standards for yourself. I say this as someone who a few years ago had zero boundaries and was in an abusive marriage and was utterly miserable. I give this suggestion with nothing but love.

I'd also highly recommend the book "women who love too much" by Robin Norwood. It will open your eyes, I believe it helped save my life.

Hugs x

OP You are right - he does not care about you - but equally so I don't think he cares about the new lady either.

He has drained you of everything. He's a leech. I hated reading that post - it made me weep inwardly and I wish I could say something that would make you sit up and say - you know what - I'm not taking this shit any more, but I can't find the right words.

I would take a guess that he loves knowing he has you right in the palm of his hand and I am sure there is a name for people like this apart from bastard.
What a horrible person you are wasting your life over.

I know but I can't seem to stop it

It's good you're having therapy and lightbulb moments. Whilst you work through with your therapist the way that your childhood is now affecting your bonding patterns, can you think of someone who responds more the way you wish you could? Perhaps someone you know, perhaps someone in the public eye, or a TV character?

Then, pretend you are them. Imagine what they would do, at the points where you feel weak (eg when you feel you're just about to contact him) This might not change your behaviour, but it will make you aware of other ways to think about the situation.

I think that the fact that you can identify times when you feel weak is actually a strength in you. You're not just ploughing on regardless; there's something in you, telling you the right path. You don't always take it, but the inner voice is there. As with any problem, half of solving it is being aware of it.

OP I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby. And it’s great that you’re getting counselling.
The answer to this lies within yourself. You are going to have to make a decision to cut yourself off from him 100%. Only you can do that. You will never recover whilst you’re still in contact with him so you are self-sabotaging. This means that your feelings can’t move on. You need to pick a day (today), block him everywhere and make no contact whatsoever. If he contacts you, you ignore it. Start a thread on here so people can support you if you’re struggling. Message that thread instead of messaging him. It will be hard but it is possible and it won’t take long until you start feeling stronger and more in control. Then your recovery can properly start

It's fantastic that you've made huge strides in your counselling. It sounds like he was just what you were used to.

This is what stood out for me in your posts. He doesn't give a shiny shite about me . He didn't when we were together. I just can't seem to get my act together.

You are yearning for a relationship that didn't really exist. Not for him.

This thread is really useful to me - thank you.

I caved last night and emailed although I am now just talking into the ether because he doesn't even respond. So - with that in mind I may as well use this space here to waffle instead of messaging him .

I text my counsellor with a link to trauma bonding because I know 100% that's what's happened to me with this relationship. He treated me with the same contempt and disdain that both my mother (who I loved) and my stepfather (who I didn't ) treated me . And I just kept on striving for his love , approval. The good times were good and I also have a tendency to see the good in everyone . So I just kept trying . The way it all began was as bizarre as the way it ended . Started in a flash . Intense . Ended same way . He was away , without warning got told to leave . He had form for this after a row but that time I did it - I thought we'd cool off , take a few days and then repeat the usual but he got himself online and that was that . I was history. 5 years. A baby . A life together just erased. Next ! And I've been left confused and wondering what the hell just happened to me for 5 years. Well 6 if you count this last one where ive been trying to work it all out and hankering after him against all better judgment. I in all walks of life am sensible, I'm a professional person, capable, and yet I'm left feeling crushed , so hurt . Unable to look forward, I just keep looking back and I know that must stop .
Lockdown isn't helping. I'm still working which is good else I'd see not a soul . It's lonely . And I thought I'd dealt with my childhood having had specific therapy for ptsd before so this is a body blow realising it's all still there ready to screw my life up . I can't see me being intimate with anyone else .

I think the the title of your post says so much.. the one... there isnt just one person for each of us. We can be happy with different people so the concept of ‘the one’ is not real. You are torturing yourself, picking at the scab so it bleeds again. We dont always get answers at the end of a relationship to get closure. Breakups are so painful I know but time will heal. You need to end all contact otherwise you will just be picking at the scab again and be stuck in the cycle. I hope you get some good help to help you move forward. You WILL be happy again.

Despite having an abusive childhood and a contemptuous mother you've done well in your life.

You've got a professional career and you've brought up your children. You've got friends and you've got a healthy relationship with your ex husband. Horrible as this is for you at the moment, it's not your 'everything' for want of a better phrase.

It definitely won't be helping that this year is off the scale in awfulness. I think a lot of us feel lonely at the moment.

Darling xxx

It reads to me as though you are grieving. But not being able to properly because you're still instigating contact.

My advice would be to break that contact and focus on yourself, especially through lockdown. Take the time. And be aware that the amount of thinking about him you're doing is not helping you. Look for it to reduce. Look to get bored with it. Try to find distractions and try to manage your thinking. I've had to do it and it does work.

And I would also say, he was not the one and, the more time marches on, the more you will come to see it. X

OP, I was really shocked when I was half-way through your OP and saw that you are still in contact with him. You sounded so emotionally intelligent until that point. It's the worse thing you can do to yourself. There is no happy ending with this man and there never was going to be one. You are harming yourself now. It's a myth that he was "the one". He absolutely wasn't. Please make today the day you stop damaging yourself. Block him on everything, delete his emails, destroy photos. Make your life a blank slate from now onwards with the potential to be happy again.
Also, with Covid, we're all living half-lives. It's difficult to feel fulfilled and meet new people. Tread water and you'll get there.

Something

It feels like grieving. I lost some close family . This feels the same . Worse in some ways . The finality of death forces you to grieve , and learn to live without that person .

Knowing he is out there , starting again with a new family, my replacement, almost feels more hurtful and makes me feel more desperate.

The grief for your little baby is mixed in with that then xxxx

Grieve for her too xxx

But remember this. Yes they're together at the house right now. But maybe they've had a massive barney because he was as horrible to her as he was to you. Maybe the lady is wondering how she can exit from him and take her little girl to safety. It's not all roses huh xxx

Time to stop TODAY! He’s moved on, your relationship wasn’t right and the woman he’s playing happy families with will probably end up feeling like you in a couple of years. This man is not worthy. You have friends and you need to restore some dignity. You’ve wasted enough time. Carry on the counselling and block him for good. Once you’ve blocked him you can concentrate on your recovery . So sorry about your baby xxxxx

It feels like grieving. I lost some close family . This feels the same . Worse in some ways . The finality of death forces you to grieve , and learn to live without that person

That's because of the trauma bond. Essentially, you have looked for your mother in a partner, and you've found her in him. You have lost what feels to you to be 'motherly love'. Your release from this is not in 'forgetting about him' or 'moving on' - it's in recognising that hankering for the feelings he gave you is unhealthy. You might still want him, but you will be able to recognise that that's unhealthy, that you don't need to respond to all your feelings. It's a bit like with food; we know that pizza isn't good for us, so we don't eat it at every meal, even if we really want to. A feeling isn't a fact, and being aware of/responding to unhealthy feelings healthily is essential for a healthy emotional life.

Knowing he is out there , starting again with a new family, my replacement, almost feels more hurtful and makes me feel more desperate

This is your ego talking to you. You don't have to listen. When you learn to deal with emotions appropriately, you will realise that his new partner is simply making the same mistakes you did, and will end up where you are now. So, 5 years down the road, she'll be posting on MN in despair, and you'll be through therapy, rock solid in yourself, and happy. Do you really envy the timeline she has ahead of her?

Thanks again - this is helping me . It's all got a bit scarily Freudian but at least I have something to work on and can discuss this revelation at my next therapy session. I think I'd be further forward if I could see my counsellor in person but due to covid everything is by phone .

I se to go through cycles where I think of him less but right now I'm feeling so down and he is invading my thoughts a lot - even my dreams .

This might also be really weird but he used to joke that I was his mothers adopted daughter. I loved his mum , warm, funny , but he always talked in a very derisory way about her saying she was thick etc. He talked to her rudely and wasn't nice to her , yet when she became ill he did more for her , dutiful son , he resented it but supports her which is way more than he did when we lost our girl . I'm actually scared to draw the line . The thought of never seeing him again kills me .

Oh and just to add into the mix - he hadn't had a good sex life . He thought he was clumsy and unable to satisfy a woman .

I came along and all he had to do was touch me . His ego was stoked - he'd never given anyone an orgasm and then I turned up. I'd never felt comfortable sexually with anyone ever before him .

This was a perfect storm . Never mind peri menopause.

It's hard to let go of all of that . I think I was addicted. If anyone needed therapy....😞

He's so horrible, though. Fancy speaking like that about his mum.

I think if you remind yourself, every single day, every single time those thoughts come up about him, that you're in love with being abused, rather than that person, eventually those bonds will break. And then watch out for feeling the same way about anyone or anything else.

In the nicest possible way, there's nothing special or different about you at all. You have a perfectly normal pattern of responses; exactly what a person of sound mind would do, given your upbringing and given the way you've been treated in this relationship, and the way that he left. It's not unusual to get stuck, and find that it seems impossible to move on.

What is it you want from him? Do you wish that he would come back? Do you long for an admission of guilt? Do you want an apology? For him to tell you you didn't do anything wrong?

Anything you want from him, you can give to yourself. It will make you cry to do it (it is very sad the first time you give yourself a hug), but accepting the responsibility for making yourself feel better is hugely liberating. If you want his guilt admitted, then make him 100% guilty in your head. If you want to feel you didn't do anything wrong, embrace the fact that you didn't. If you want him to come back, be there for yourself instead of him being there for you. If you want an apology, fully believe that he should be sorry for treating you in a disrespectful way. Believe you deserve an apology.

He can't give you anything you can't give yourself. It's a huge responsibility to accept that you are the only one who can support yourself 100% but when you do accept it, you'll feel 10 feet tall. And it stays, always.

OP you are only remembering the nice things which is what people who are abused do.

He was not 'the one'. He is still a 'one' though... a 'right one' and you are well rid.

You need to be kind to yourself, and stop placing him above you. Only time away from him will do this. You will come to realise that. Until then just take time for yourself. Be selfish. It does not sound as if you ever placed yourself first and neither did he.

So I've managed a week with absolutely no contact.

I have counselling midweek . Having read up on trauma bonding it is absolutely that . What should I discuss with the counsellor. I still feel bereft.

Just start talking, you'll be fine.

But I must say....these are the hard days. Full of nothing that matters. Empty and strange.

Your task is to get thro tonight only. What are you going to do? What would be an escape from thoughts of him and your life with him?

There is no escape . Not even sleep . I dream about him .
I just feel empty . Alone . I do nothing now , so wali g moments are remembering our holidays and day trips, evenings out , evenings in cuddled up, nights felt safe with him holding me . Clearly meant nothing to him but did to me . When I sleep I dream about him . When I'm awake I ache with the feel I've lost something. I have no idea how I'm ever going to move on. I've managed a week of no contact - a week on my part - he wasn't speaking to me anyway after I called him out for using me .