Have you ever left a relationship because of money? Do you regret it?

[thekoalassocks]

Really would like some advice from others who have been through similar.

My DP and I are polar opposites when it comes to finances. He's deeply in debt, has no savings, hates budgeting and buries his head in the sand.

I'm a planner, budgeter, have savings and am squirrelling away into my pension.

I thought that I could keep my house in only my name in the future and we could somehow make this work because we are so compatible in other ways but the way he acts like a child around money is wearing me down and I'm starting to find it a bit of a turn off. I don't know whether to call it quits over this.

Yes I have and I don’t regret it for one second. In his mind him being shit with money didn’t matter ‘as long as there’s food on the table’ 🙄 money destroyed my parents relationship and I’m determined not to go through that.

Sounds like a recipe for disaster OP and a world of conflict in future.

In my experience you can't reconcile such different attitudes to money

It's apparently the No.1 reason for couples splitting up. Even before sex.

Your situation is not very clear. You say he's your DP, so not married, but then "I thought that I could keep my house in only my name in the future and we could somehow make this work". Why would you not be able to keep your house in your own name?

Do you have children.

Maybe you could have a good relationship if you lived separately with completely separate finances. But actually building a life together like a family . . . I don't think so.

@DiscombobulatedAf how long were you together? Was he in debt or just crap at saving etc?

I think age matters a bit here.... Mid twenties, he can learn and it might be a transitory stage.... Mid forties, this is it and you have to decide if you can live with it .... But people can change. What age is he?

Yes, i've left both my previous long term relationships due to money. No regrets yet.

I would quit this relationship - sorry it will really ruin your future if you stay with your DP. I am now divorced for other reasons but one of the other real issues was the way he used to spend money on selfish crap and pastimes. I was home looking after the children and couldn’t even afford to get a hair cut! You lose control of the situation when the other person has a different attitude to finances. So divorced then retrained and now in a solid financial position but he is still the same - no financial security. People don’t change I’m sorry to say so please protect your future.

He's mid thirties. Goes through cycles of getting really upset about his debt and wanting to sort it, then after a couple of months of progress struggles to stick to it and gets grumpy and stroppy about it all.

Yes this is one of the main reasons I ended things with my ex boyfriend. He had many lovely traits but he lived hand to mouth and was self employed with a physical job with no health insurance, savings, pension as well as terrible credit score. I spent years with my penniless ex husband doing all the worrying about money and just couldn't go through it again (we had got to point where my ex boyfriend wanted us to move in together/blend families etc). I still see him as a friend and sometimes have pangs of regret as he's a good man but I wouldn't get back with him as I want to be open to meeting someone who is financially solvent and can afford to go out for the occasional meal and holiday (in a post COVID world of course).

It's not about money per se is it. It's not like you're saying he's not rich enough, which would be shallow. It's about attitudes to security, lifestyle, and the future - which is really what a long term relationship is ALL about. It's sad but I doubt you'd regret leaving. You might regret staying though. Sorry OP.

Mid thirties.... My husband was always terrible with budgeting when he was younger (late 20s/early 30s) and got into debt a couple of times .... it was frustrating for me because I am the same as you.... I have a spreadsheet every month with every penny spent...., four different saving accounts, (Christmas, holidays, large household purchases and long term/emergency).... He's always paid into a pension though (as do I), even before I met him but he doesn't think about money.....

I do the household budgeting and make decisions about household money and it works because my husband and I share all money coming in and he takes an interest but lets me get on with it.. If that's something you could see happening, then consider it.... Otherwise I don't think it could work.

I get if you don't want to be the one in charge of finances, some people would say "I don't want to be anybody's mother", that's not what it's like for us. I run a business and do the financial accounting in that as well... It's just something I'm good at and it works to our strengths.

Run like the wind. This will become more of a problem not less. I am considering splitting with my partner and father of my dc for this reason. It's very stressful living with someone with this type of personality.

I learned a very harsh lesson from my mil.
Fil horrendous with money.
Hidden deep deep debt for their whole married life.
He dragged her down with him as a result they never had anything.
DH & his siblings had nothing & suffered terribly growing up.
She stayed with him sorting out the debt every single time it got bad, over & over & over again.
He led her a dogs life.
Then of course she died.

I would not wish that life on anyone. She was a doormat for a self centred, selfish man child.
Get out. Life really is short to be dragged down by another.

As a previous poster says, money is the number one area of conflict in a relationship. My DH and I have exactly the same attitude towards money (we've literally never had an argument about money and we've been married for 17 years) - it's a huge part of the reason why our relationship works.

Well you definitely should not marry him or have a civil partnership with him, as it would financially enmesh you legally.

I think you'll find it impossible to live together in the long run. He'll piss away everything he gets his hands on, and you'll resent him and be hampered in your goals. People don't miraculously change - a major incompatibility is likely to remain so.

How you deal with money is so fundamental to stability that I would run for the hills while you can.

Don't get married, don't lend him anything, don't put his name on your house.

We were together for two years. He wasn’t bad at first but he became self employed and pissed money up the wall.

Mid 30s deeply in debt and strips about it.... run like the wind!!!

You will always carry the responsibility of everything, will always be subbing him!

Keep seeing him but don't let him move in with you.

Yes. He was richer than I was and tried to move in free. When he refused to buy me a coffee for my birthday I shagged him and blocked him as he dressed afterwards .

All hell broke loose, but the Block button was the best birthday present I've ever had.

I've not, but my sister has and it was 100% the right thing to do.

When they got together, he had bad debt, awful credit rating, CCJ, did an IVA........ They moved in together but kept finances separate. They got engaged and decided to get married in Vegas and save 50% each in their respective accounts. He blew all of his and admitted it to her saying "I'm only telling you this because I love you....."

She still married him and had a child with him - it just got worse and worse. He managed to take out a credit card, max it out, not repay it... never have any money for food or for rent...

After realising it was like having a second child in the marriage, constantly having to worry about money (he'd get paid, some would go on debts, the rest would be spent on DVD's, T-shirts, beer) and knowing she could never rely on him for any kind of financial support, they divorced.....

He's 42, living with his Mum in a 1 bed flat and even more in debt due to HAVING to have a new car on PCP and HAVING to have a new phone.... He's been living with his Mum for over 2 years since the divorce and has no intention or plans to move out as 'He can't afford it'.

I think attitude to money is more of a deal breaker than how much money someone has / earns. I’m a much higher earner than my DP and a home owner whilst he is not. However, he’s very anti-debt and determined to pay his way. It just means we can’t do lavish things unless I pay.

Do you have or want children?

He doesn't sound like he'd be a good bet as anything more than a boyfriend.

I think it matters whether you believe he will change?

When I met my DP he was in debt and would go through phases of wanting to sort it out and then changing to burying his head in the sand, ignoring letters etc

He has now acknowledged it though and next month should be debt free and we are planning on saving for a mortgage (renting atm) as his credit score has slowly improved. He transfers me the money on payday for rent, bills, food shopping etc and a little extra for anything DS needs so I'm not really bothered if he wants to waste the money that is "his"

I think it matters whether you believe he will change?

No, it's important that you accept people as who they are right now, not who they could be. If them changing is a necessity for you to work together as a couple, you're far better off not progressing things.