Have you ever left a relationship because of money? Do you regret it?

[thekoalassocks]

Really would like some advice from others who have been through similar.

My DP and I are polar opposites when it comes to finances. He's deeply in debt, has no savings, hates budgeting and buries his head in the sand.

I'm a planner, budgeter, have savings and am squirrelling away into my pension.

I thought that I could keep my house in only my name in the future and we could somehow make this work because we are so compatible in other ways but the way he acts like a child around money is wearing me down and I'm starting to find it a bit of a turn off. I don't know whether to call it quits over this.

No he will be a massive burden to you.
A friend of mine always got her H out of the shit - in the end they had to sell their home and her business (combined with the house) and now after 40 years they've got absolutely nothing apart from a divorce and both living in rented accommodation.

Why because the man's a financial disaster, who had to have the biggest and the best of everything and hated it if she so much as got a (cheap) haircut!!
The only good thing to come out of it is that she is at least shot of the twat.

End it now. If he hasn't got any money he will manipulate you into giving him yours. What he wants will always come first and he will never understand how stressful it is for you. You will end up constantly worried about providing and having nothing.

@SocialBees

As a previous poster says, money is the number one area of conflict in a relationship. My DH and I have exactly the same attitude towards money (we've literally never had an argument about money and we've been married for 17 years) - it's a huge part of the reason why our relationship works.

Same here. And for us, the moment I discovered that we had the same attitude towards money was when we were planning our wedding. We had a budget, and we stuck to it, and we were sensible about the things we’d pay for and how much we’d pay for them. It was a relief, because I hadn’t realised how important that shared outlook would be. I would feel constantly uneasy in your shoes, OP.

I have.

An ex back in early 2000’s who had a job in sales. He got made redundant and given 3 months salary in pay off. Her always expressed an interest in IT so I suggested he used that time/money to get some qualifications. But he didn’t and just sat on his arse playing PlayStation and smoking. Didn’t last long after that as didn’t want to be the one completely financially responsible if we had a family. He’s still not got a job and dosses about nearly 20 years later so totally right decision (we are still friends on FB - he is a good guy).

And another who had such a rubbish job we were completely mis-matched in terms of earning capacity. But that wasn’t main reason - didn’t really fancy him and he was v clingy!!!

I have a much higher earning capacity than DH (over double) because of my qualifications but I have taken a few steps down whilst kids are young to spend time with them so we now earn similar amounts though I work less hours. But he is very sensible with money and we have the same attitude to spending/saving etc and I know I can rely on him to have gainful employment so it’s not all on me

My best mate had one of those and left. Not the only reason but one of the biggest. Best thing she ever did. He used to fritter away money on any old crap - not always big, but always had to have the most up to date of everything and if he saw an advert for something, it would show up via Amazon the next day. He’d gotten debt over it. He was generous with it too - but it was awful in the end. He came in with a huge windfall - I mean almost six figures. Used a chunk on a house deposit, and was supposed to put the rest away for some future planning, eg wedding, renovations etc. Less than two years later it transpired it was gone, on what - not even he knew! He’d even gotten into debt again.

Ten years later, he is still renting a pokey flat despite his good wage. My friend on the other hand bought her house by herself, and now only has one child to manage instead of two :)

I wouldn't tie myself to someone like this. He's like a sulky teenager with regard to money. You won't be able to keep separate finances; as he spends his money he'll turn to you to get him out of trouble and to give him money.

End it now. If he hasn't got any money he will manipulate you into giving him yours.

This is my situation. I need to read that first part....

Get out. I promise you it will not get any better. My exH was an absolute nightmare with money. Very much like all the wasters other posters have talked about here. I was constantly having to put my foot down. It was draining and a massive turn off. I couldn't keep trying to manage a grown ass man like he was a child. I was sick of always having to be responsible and I'd had enough. Our very last argument as a couple was down to another stupid financial decision he'd made. I divorced him and I swear it was the best thing for me financially. Don't get me wrong, I'm hardly living like Victoria Beckham, but it's so freeing knowing I pay my bills and put food on the table without having to worry about someone else spending that money on some new gadget that will be forgotten about in a weeks time.
Also just to add, the other posters are right these people dont change. Exh got into another relationship a while after we separated. They split after a few years and it then emerged that he had gotten into a load more debt. These days SIL has to manage his money.

Yes money played a big part in my most recent breakup. I absolutely adored the guy but we were just complete opposites were money was concerned. No amount of highlighting it changed anything.

They do say money and sex are the two biggest factors in a relationships

It will probably depend on circumstances, would you want to get married, do you want kids?

I'd say do not marry this man. I did and he used to be so blasé about money because 'I was a saver and contributed to my pension etc' I would go without to save and he'd spend as I was saving. When we got divorced I flatly refused to give him any pension and was happy to take it to court. In the end I dangled some money in front of him and he saw that and signed off on the financial settlement I was happier with. However he still walked away with more than he brought to the relationship.

Plus if you ever had kids, how would you manage with mat leave etc? I think he'd probably expect you to save for this? That's hardly fair.

The issue is, that you are going without to save, and he's spending more than he's earning and probably thinks it's ok, as you're being sensible. That's not just shit with money, that's also being selfish

I've met men I really liked but haven't got involved with them because of their attitude to money. My mum is ill and in her late 70s but still working because she is continually paying off my dad's debts. They've had to sell homes to pay off debt, she's frequently worked multiple jobs and he does so little but just racks up debt. I couldn't get involved with someone like that.

If you want to end it then do so. Otherwise you risk a life of making up for his lack of financial ability. It's no life and will affect any children you have too.

I don't think it will work long term. It was the main argument with my ExH. We split due to his affair but finances were a main factor in our disputes.
When sorting out our divorce financially it was quite straight forward (thankfully) but he declared he had £40k of debt (he was early 30s). Apparently it was all my fault still. But I was gobsmacked considering I helped clear his previous debt, paid for our wedging/honeymoon and paid for most things. Yet he was in this much debt! At that point I was bloody glad we were divorcing.

Run for the hills. You will spend your whole life dealing with this problem.... And if you have kids, even worse. Kids cost money. It sounds like he would just be a drain...having to constantly deal with someone who is not practical with money.

I never get why people spend what they dont have...sure I understand you need food etc and maybe not everyone can afford this...but there are MANY who buy huge big screen tvs, cars etc and they cant really afford to! They get themselves in debt...... I have had the same phone for years! Not because I cant afford a new one, but because why get another, it works perfectly fine! But there are people out there who has to have the latest phone every time it comes out and will get into debt. Or a fancy new car etc. I dont have a car...we walk everywhere....And if we got a car, we would get one within our means, not a ferrari ;)

“He's deeply in debt, has no savings, hates budgeting and buries his head in the sand.”

As PP have said: this is absolutely a reason to end the relationship. The behaviour you describe is irresponsible and entitled. If all you want to do is date for the next several decades that might be fine but if you want to have children together it would drive you up the wall.

I think attitude to money is more of a deal breaker than how much money someone has / earns.

This ^

The fact that he gets upset, decides to sort out his debt then gets bored/grumpy/stroppy after 2 months is a terrible sign.

I am a planner/saver and my previous partner had a significant chunk of credit card debt. At first he was embarrassed about his lack of ready cash for date nights, etc., and it took a while to get him to come clean, but he genuinely wanted to sort it out. We came up with a budget and it took him nearly 3 years of being careful and us generally being more circumspect about weekends away and nights out, for example, but he got himself out of it. We actually split before he paid it all off but he called me months later to say that he was in the black, intended to stay that way and thank you for giving him the shake he needed to sort it out.

People fall into debt, circumstances conspire against you, debt is not a mark of bad character. However, I would avoid an irresponsible attitude to money like I'd avoid the plague.

People fall into debt, circumstances conspire against you, debt is not a mark of bad character. However, I would avoid an irresponsible attitude to money like I'd avoid the plague.

I agree with this. Sometimes life is difficult and you can get into debt. It's how you view that and respond to it that's important. My dad thinks if he has a £3k limit on a credit card that he has £3000. He just doesn't view it as potential debt and when he gets into debt, he doesn't either cut back or try to earn extra to get out of it. If there's £800 in the bank he thinks he can spend £500 on whatever he fancies - he doesn't get that by the time a mortgage payment, supermarket bills and council tax have been paid that all the 800 is gone.

It is weird that some people just can't budget but personally I would avoid getting into a relationship with someone like that, and wouldn't blame anyone for ending a relationship over money. Who wants a hard life because of their partner's selfishness?

This is how it will always be with him.
The stress and always worrying about them screwing up isn't worth it.
You'll never be able to enjoy anything being with someone like that. Save for a nice holiday. Nope, unless you pay his way.

This attitude towards money is a character flaw and can't be fixed because, they don't want to fix it.

It's also a good way to be set up for financial abuse.

Yes. My ex was both abusive and shit with money. He worked as little hours as he could get away with and prioritised taylor made cigarettes and cannabis. I was also a smoker at the time (on Champix now and down to only a couple a day) but have always bought tobacco, so smoking roughly cost me around twelve quid a week. His cigaretters were 9 pound odd, bought a least every other day and he bought at least 40 quids worth of weed per week. He was 32 when I finally left him, him and his 53 year old Father were constantly borrowing off each other. Three days after every pay day, his wages would be gone, he would live like a king for those days buying takeaways, buying high branded clothing, and live like a pauper for the rest of the month. Four kids between us, the stress was unbearable at times. I remember thinking that if I stayed, this would be it for me, forever living on a rough part of a council estate renting, no car, no or shit holidays. Unfortunatley because he had a tendency to get violent, I had to be careful how I put these worries across as he was sensitive to any criticism, perceived or otherwise.
Long story short, I challenged him one night on the weed and it turned ugly, I called the Police and he was removed, which I was thoroughly pleased with as I'd been trying to get him to fuck off for months but he refused to leave. So in short, if you want to spend the rest of your life scraping pennies together, losing sleep with stress and building resentment towards your parner then go for it, but I wouldn't reccomend it.

So, if you have children he will not be doing his share of one of the key responsibilities of looking after a family. The financial stability that underpins families life will be down to you.

All your life choices will be based on lowest common denominator unless you provide all the money.

Come pension time, beyond the state pension, he will be living off you.

And you are already irritated.

So, if you have children he will not be doing his share of one of the key responsibilities of looking after a family. The financial stability that underpins families life will be down to you.

All your life choices will be based on lowest common denominator unless you provide all the money.

Come pension time, beyond the state pension, he will be living off you.

And you are already irritated.

It wasn't the main reason but it was one of the reasons I split with my ex.

He blew his student loan in 4 days back when student loans were paid in large chunks every few months and then asked me to pay his rent and his phone had been cut off even though he also worked. He was crap with money.

This was me 3 years ago. Left partner just before we were about to buy a new house with MY money.

Best decision ever and I'll never make that mistake again.

I dare not think what situation I would be in now.

Hideous

For richer, for poorer and all that but living for years with someone who while you are scrimping and saving, pisses your money up the wall with nothing to show for it, is a life choice to be avoided where possible.

I haven’t ended it. I’m just not marrying this one...