Ex husband back in touch. What does it mean?

[K8smith1]

Does he want to get back with me?
I have been separated from my husband for around 2 years. In fact it is nearly exactly two years since he moved out. We were married for two and together for four years. He was, I thought, the love of my life. Unfortunately I found some things out that I didnt deal very well with and on reflection we had become quite distant. I later found out he had been sleeping with a colleague from work for some of our marriage.

We kept in touch because we share a dog and over time he has seen it less and less but continues to pay towards him (I couldnt afford to keep it otherwise.) I found out pretty early on that he had a new girlfriend and had moved in with her within months. They remain together.

In august he came go see the dog and afterwards had a coffee. I dared myself to do it to prove I could be civil and how far I had come. I've had lots of counselling to get over the break up and addressed my part in it. Initially I was quite poorly.
Just recently he has seen the dog again and suggested I go with him. We talked about lots of things including some memories we shared (he does that a lot) and when we got back he looked at me like he used to. A prolonged eye contact and a certain awkwardness which he later explained was him being unsure as to whether to hug me due to covid.
Thing is.. its raised my hope. Consistently whilst I've been working on myself I have missed him. I have tried to dismiss it because I thought it was pointless. Now I dont know what to think. It is tearing me up inside not knowing what he thinks and feels; if anything. I know I cant tell him how I feel because I will come off needy and desperate. But what if I've got it completely wrong? I am so very sad about it. I would love to try again.

I am aware he has hurt me very badly in the past. But if he has improved himself as I have I believe in my marriage vows and believe he is my soul mate. We didnt handle the break up well and both had our part to play. What should I do next?

You sound very sad and confused OP. Think carefully about what you're asking. The steroids aside, this man has cheated on you and it doesn't sound like your marriage was working. Has he actually said he wants you back? People are always more attractive when they're unattainable and he probably sees you as that now. And he is comparing the memory of you with what he's currently got. Will he flip that if you take him back & start romanticising their relationship?

Take your time. Take the lockdown month to see how you feel without seeing him but I wouldn't do anything unless he approaches you. It might be that you're seeing what you want to see.

All you've mentioned that he has done is pretty awful. If he said he slept with her 10 times you can triple that at the very least.

You've had counselling to move on from him, it hasn't worked. You need to cut contact with him. Out of sight out of mind. You may need more counselling.

You are remembering the good times, you need to remind yourself of what he did to you and how he treated you.

Don't lower your standards by getting with him while he's with someone. If you get back with him you are going to be constantly wondering if he's cheating and you'll end up stressed.

There is no such thing as a soul mate. He is already bored with his new partner and is looking for an affair. Dont fall for this nonsense. You will just be hurt again. He has already shown form for cheating and he is trying it on again. He won't come back he just wants sex. A husband worth having doesn't behave like this.

OP I think this is a strange thing to say:

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to emotionally move on from someone who I married and didnt choose to split up from

You aren't 'supposed to' move on as if it's homework or some other chore that somebody has put upon you. Obviously you are an adult and you can do what you like.

Most people are saying that you won't be happy if you wait to see if he wants to get back with you. He is quite clearly an unpleasant person who can't be trusted. Being with him would be like choosing to drink poison. You can keep on telling us about your feelings for him but really feelings don't have to be followed. They're not always right. Your life isn't a romantic movie. Your strong emotions and devotion aren't going to bring about a happy ending.

Happy endings are always, always,always about doing the right thing for yourself. Nobody but you can do that.

You mentioned he had a high sex drive and that it was the steroids that did it. It could be you’re incompatible sexually. You shouldn’t have to put out just to keep the peace and he shouldn’t pressurise you for sex.

Have a think back. Was it really the steroids or was he always a bit hornier than you? Because many men think with their dicks and if his wants sex the urge could push him to shag other people again. Regularly if your sex life isn’t good.

I’m wondering if he is still on the drugs too. Did he look like he was on them? As you don’t want him if he is. I actually thought steroids shrank male parts and could cause impotence, so I’m not convinced it was the steroids that made him horny but perhaps others more knowledgeable can comment.

Re moving on after being dumped, yeah it’s very hard when you feel you’ve done nothing wrong. In similar circumstances it took me years to feel myself again. After he did stuff that forced me to boot him out. Then I dated someone but he wasn’t for me so we split. Time does heal but you will know all that from counselling. If you are honest with the counsellor they will help you. But you need to tell them everything so they know the full picture.

And as others have said he’s probably being nice re the impending divorce. Don’t give him what you are entitled to. Be respectful and dignified but don’t let him take the piss. Both of you should be fair with each other. In an ideal world.

You deserve better than this man. He's not a good person and he will only break you apart all over again. The choice is not him or nothing. Honour all the work you've done and find someone who will love you properly. I promise you'll look back and be baffled you ever considered getting back with this man . He's done zero growth. None. He just fancies a change.

You need to sort out your finances so the dog can be kept with no contact or help from the ex. And you need a divorce. Dating a married woman isn't going to be a great prospect for other men. You need to set yourself completely free or commit to another cycle of misery.

I also think it would be kinder for the op,if he asks for a divorce. The two,years have passed and it’s time. However she’s not going to see it that way.

She says she was quite “poorly” after the split. I’d consider her quite poorly now. So it must have been a horrific time.

The whole thing is just very very sad. Particularly because everyone is understandably loosing patience now. And she’s about to go through the ringer again, in one form or another.

She met with him to prove to herself she could do it. In reality she was just waiting and hoping for that one sign she could use as hope she might get him back. He gave her one “look” and she’s dived straight into Pandora’s box again.

If he asked for a divorce and wished to marry his partner, it would ultimately be better for her.

You could never be happy with him. And he would never be happy being with you. He won't come back to you long term (a good thing).
Continue with your therapy and treat this as similar to overcoming a complicated addiction.

• personally I wouldn't be able to have the dog any longer as it allows for a dialogue between you.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to emotionally move on from someone who I married and didn't choose to split up from

This stood out to me too. You can look to gain strength and knowledge from others who have had to do the same - its a really common scenario that millions have gone through. It's not easy but part of how you emotionally move on is accepting why it ended in the first place and accepting the loss of an idealised relationship. From what you have written you are not there yet as you don't seem to have truly taken in and reacted to this man's poor behaviour and what it means for you. You need to accept that this is not the love story you think it is.

So he cheated on your and he’s a juice head. Gross.

This person sounds like he wasn’t nice to you and you seem determined to also take the blame for his shitty behaviour - and now you want him back? What makes you think it would be so different this time around?

The new girlfriend has dumped him so now he's interested in you again. Or worse, the new girfriend hasn't dumped him and he's interested in you aqain. He is a slimy creep. Don't waste all that counselling. You split up for a good reason. Move on and find someone better.

But if I'm selfish about it; we are still married and they arent.

You're not being selfish, just deluded. He has broken the marriage, he has behaved badly to you, either he has behaved badly to his current girlfriend or he's lying now. Why would you touch him with a bargepole now?

I dont want him to cheat on his girlfriend. I was hoping he was having thoughts he might want to try again with me.

Trouble is, that's the same thing. If he tries again with you then he's letting down his current girlfriend. so either way he's a slimy creep. And if you get back in bed with a slimeball, you'll get up covered with slime.

Do you think I will come off as needy if I ask him?

No, you will come off as desperate and as someone he can walk all over forever.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to emotionally move on from someone who I married and didnt choose to split up from. I just learnt to live with it and realised he wasnt coming back. Now there's a slight chance he is even considering it I feel differently.

You move on by making a decision to move on and sticking with it. You decide that the relationship is over forever and you act on that decision. Stop sharing the dog if possible, certainly do not go with him to see it (whatever that means) and do not sit making eyes at him in cafes. Arrange the divorce and go through the process. It will be very hard at first but the feelings of moving on will follow later.

I feel like he was testing the waters.. which is what I would do.

Well yes, he was testing the waters. He's testing whether you will take him back so that after a while he can test the waters some more and be unfaithful to you again. He is testing whether you will take back a slimeball. Seemingly, yes you will. Better not.

unsure as to whether to hug me due to covid.

Instead of him being unsure whether you would slap his face for being such a creep? Then he knows he can easily take you in.

if he has improved himself as I have

He hasn't though. He is still a slimy creep. Not one thing you have said implies that he has changed in any positive way.

I would love to try again.

Well, if you would love him to be unfaithful again go ahead. Otherwise don't.

He's just a guy who takes it wherever he can get it ... and there's obviously no shortage of women laying it on a platter for him... despite his appalling treatment of them 😏