Ex husband back in touch. What does it mean?

[K8smith1]

Does he want to get back with me?
I have been separated from my husband for around 2 years. In fact it is nearly exactly two years since he moved out. We were married for two and together for four years. He was, I thought, the love of my life. Unfortunately I found some things out that I didnt deal very well with and on reflection we had become quite distant. I later found out he had been sleeping with a colleague from work for some of our marriage.

We kept in touch because we share a dog and over time he has seen it less and less but continues to pay towards him (I couldnt afford to keep it otherwise.) I found out pretty early on that he had a new girlfriend and had moved in with her within months. They remain together.

In august he came go see the dog and afterwards had a coffee. I dared myself to do it to prove I could be civil and how far I had come. I've had lots of counselling to get over the break up and addressed my part in it. Initially I was quite poorly.
Just recently he has seen the dog again and suggested I go with him. We talked about lots of things including some memories we shared (he does that a lot) and when we got back he looked at me like he used to. A prolonged eye contact and a certain awkwardness which he later explained was him being unsure as to whether to hug me due to covid.
Thing is.. its raised my hope. Consistently whilst I've been working on myself I have missed him. I have tried to dismiss it because I thought it was pointless. Now I dont know what to think. It is tearing me up inside not knowing what he thinks and feels; if anything. I know I cant tell him how I feel because I will come off needy and desperate. But what if I've got it completely wrong? I am so very sad about it. I would love to try again.

I am aware he has hurt me very badly in the past. But if he has improved himself as I have I believe in my marriage vows and believe he is my soul mate. We didnt handle the break up well and both had our part to play. What should I do next?

You can take your comments and your toxic personality and crawl right back under the rock you emerged from. Pathetic? You know nothing about me. So keep your poisonous comments to yourself. Pathetic is someone who finds the time to trawl forums looking for opportunities to make people feel shit about themselves. I can do that all by myself thanks. So trot on you pathetic piece of the proverbial

the venom you display here at a stranger trying to help you online ...would be better directed at your scum bag Ex that is manipulating all the women in his life 🌺

@BlueThistles stranger trying to help you online

I think OP shouldnt go near her ex but i fail to see which part of Get a life. Seriously. I’ve never read anything more pathetic in my life! is helping a stranger online. its just being mean.

OP, you write: 'We did not trie enough at that time'. What? He did, he tried and succeeded to destroy your marriage by f** somebody else. Just cut your loses and throw him out of your life (that includes dog visiting) and your head.

@BlueThistles Sort of has a point though. The venom you managed to spit out towards a stranger on this board would be far better directed at the really shitty person in your life, your horrendous ex. If only you could harness this rage and instead gain some dignity and self-respect instead. While rather unkind, a lot of people reading your posts probably think something not so disimilar in essence albeit will package it nicer. But you don't really want to hear that, do you! Hence, why you are not discussing it with your friends who seem to be as exasperated as some of the posters and probably want to shake some bloody sense into you. What else does your ex need to do to once again utterly humiliate you before you stop crawling back for more? It is so sad to see another woman with so little backbone. I so wish for your sake that you womaned up.

While @ KittyKattyKate has said it quite harshly, fact is that practically everyone on this thread has said similar. OP needs to move on, she needs to stop thinking this was anything to do with anything she did, and she needs to raise her standards above considering throwing herself at a cheating junky who made eyes at her while still living with someone else.

OP is he still a junky?

So you weren’t understanding when it turned out your husband was a druggy doing steroids. And? I don’t know many people who would be tolerant of that either. Even weed would be a deal-breaker for me let alone hard drugs.

And he didn’t even try to make out that you had anything to do with him having an affair. He told you outright that it was exciting, so clearly you weren’t enough for him then, how’s that going to change?

If him coming round is making it harder for you then you need to stop him coming round. You also need to stop accepting money for the dog. It’s not a child. if you can’t afford to keep it then hand it over to him or rehome it. I don’t generally say that lightly but the dog is doing you no good.

And what do you think will happen if the dog dies tomorrow? You’ll no longer see him, he’ll just disappear overnight and that will be that.

It’s not you he wants, he wants the same kind of excitement he had when he was screwing a colleague while he had a wife at home.

And let’s take it in a different direction. You said he looked at you in “that way” but maybe he didn’t. Maybe he was just looking at you, and because you’re so desperate to think he wants you back you chose to interpret it that way.

If you ask him if he wants you back you are either going to embarrass yourself when he says no, or you’re going to lower yourself to be his bit on the side. Either way asking him is never going to end well.

You really don’t want to hear all the reasons why you shouldn’t touch him with a barge pole do you? You just want people to tell you to go for it......I can see why your mother and your friends are irritated by you

He cheated on you with a colleague in the first two years of your marriage.

He’s showing signs he’d happily cheat on his current partner with you.

That’s not someone who has changed. You must see that.

You sound so fragile. What will you do if it turns out he’s only wanting sex with you and not to return to your marriage?

OP - I know what you wanted but think about the difference in the two of you. You are single, have been for 2 years, have worked on yourself, and had no other relationship in that time (for comparison purposes).

He has been (and still is) in a relationship. He has done nothing to show he deserves you back or your forgiveness, except perhaps give you a ‘look’.

If he had spent the same 2 years single, done counseling, had Apologised for the cheating, and been seeing the dog (Aka you) regularly, bring you little gifts (“I saw this butterscotch and remembered one you liked on a trip we took to London” or “I remember daisies were always your favourite flower”) I’d say yes, perhaps he wanted another chance and was trying to earn it.

But what you describe is such a low bar. You are worth more than just responding to his (possibly) hopeful look! You deserve more. Don’t you see this?

Perhaps take these thoughts back to counseling. I think it would be good to work through them and perhaps see your self esteem is low.

Restarting a relationship that has ended due to negative issues ( cheating is a negative issue , it is immaterial whether the relationship ended because of it ) is like re reading a book that you hated first time around . Why would it be different this time .
I’m betting he’s getting bored with gf and is looking to either make you his side chick , or just as bad , looking for a way back in . He’s shown you who he is , why would you want to have worked so hard to get your head straight o my ti throw it all away . You will probably say he’s changed , he wouldn’t cheat again , except he IS cheating , he’s cheating on his current gf . Honestly , you’d be nuts to jump back on board a sinking ship. Make arrangements regarding the dog, where he doesn’t have to come by anymore . He sees it as his gateway to you

There could be another explanation, he could be putting on the charm because he's about to start divorce proceedings and wants to keep you sweet so it goes smoothly. Seems like more of an obvious explanation to me. Less hassle from you means a smaller legal bill.

This is why you don’t keep in contact with your ex.
You haven’t had the space to move on. If you can’t afford the dog give it to him and block him. He cheated on you now he wants to cheat with you.

Oh no. Fuck that, he cheated on you! Bin him off!

@Aquamarine1029

Give it a go if you want to, but you need to be keenly aware that the chances of it working and him changing are next to zero. You will more than likely go through all of that bullshit and pain again.

You left him for some very good reasons. Those reasons haven't changed.

Exactly

You really need to ditch the dog and cut all contact. There are so many guys out there who don't cheat or use bloody steroids. Keeping this link going only prevents you from moving on.

I'm not against getting back with an ex, having done it myself but there were important differences- no cheating or drug use, just different life goals. We genuinely had no contact in the two years we were apart. Both parties much older and wiser.

Honestly, you need a real break from him before you could ever be sure that this was a good idea. You haven't allowed yourself time to heal, this unnecessary contact over a dog just reads as him trying to keep you on the back burner and you trying to cling on. This guy knows you well and is most likely well aware of how you feel, he wants an ego boost and nothing more while he lines up the next poor woman to replace the GF.

[quote Krampusasbabysitter]@BlueThistles Sort of has a point though. The venom you managed to spit out towards a stranger on this board would be far better directed at the really shitty person in your life, your horrendous ex. If only you could harness this rage and instead gain some dignity and self-respect instead. While rather unkind, a lot of people reading your posts probably think something not so disimilar in essence albeit will package it nicer. But you don't really want to hear that, do you! Hence, why you are not discussing it with your friends who seem to be as exasperated as some of the posters and probably want to shake some bloody sense into you. What else does your ex need to do to once again utterly humiliate you before you stop crawling back for more? It is so sad to see another woman with so little backbone. I so wish for your sake that you womaned up.[/quote]
Not to be mean to you as I know your stuck in a cycle and it's very hard for you to see the reality of this situation. It this .. every word of this is spot on I couldn't have said it better

Actually given that he's got back in touch after 2 years would be exactly the right length of time he needed to wait before instigating divorce proceedings. Bit suspicious that don't you think OP?

I think he's trying to be nice to you so when a solicitors letter lands on your doorstep you'll do as he asks.

He's using the dog to wheedle his way back in.

He's not sorry,he's doing it so you can't move on.
You've no kids,this is the time in your life to do what you want.

Do you really want to go backwards rather than forward.If he's so interested in the dog,he can pick it up somewhere neutral.

I also think Kate was blunt but to be fair had a point, some times the truth is hard to hear. This guy has treated you terribly and just one look and you’re hoping desperately he will take you back, even though he now lives with another woman. I can see why your friends and family are exasperated.

You declare you love him, and he’s your husband. Yes he is technically legally your husband, but he’s not your husband in any other sense of the word. In practical terms he is not your husband.

I really hope for your sake you don’t just sleep with him, or he is decent enough to not go there, as it’s going to crush you if you do, you’re going to get even more hurt.

I know you won’t start divorce proceedings, but for your sake hopefully that’s why he’s come crawling round again, because he does wish to, as he needs your agreement at this stage.

That's a strong possibility, actually, @Bluntness100 . After two years it's possible to end a marriage amicably without one suing the other for divorce on the basis of unreasonable behaviour.

I would consider that possibility, OP, and beware of getting your hopes up.

To be fair another poster suggested it..

The thing is, I think there is no way out of this without the op sustaining further damage, it’s like everyone can see it and is screaming at her and she’s standing there oblivious unable to hear us.

Either he’s coming round so he can ask for a divorce because he wants to marry the woman he lives with, or he might in fact cheat on that woman and have sex with the op, because let’s face it, he’s that guy, but what’s not going to happen is he dumps that woman, declares his undying love and starts a relationship with the op and then they live happily ever after.

So the over whelming odds are she’s about to sustain more damage, but she’s not going to listen and protect herself. She’s too wrapped up in wanting the fairytale.

There are several reasons he might be "looking at you in that", including:

1. he was feeling sentimental and horny - it doesn't mean he loves you and wants you back, just that he was remembering a time when you still thought he was the bees knees. He misses those times. It felt much better to be adored by you than have to actually live with the consequences of being a cheat and everyone knowing about it.
2. he's trying to convince himself that he isn't a bad person - yeah, he cheated and lied, but surely if you still want him back, what he did can't have been THAT bad, right?
3. the divorce is imminent and he wants you onside so that you agree to more favourable terms
4. he's starting to get bored of his current relationship - and we already know that when he gets bored, he cheats. And there you are, much less effort than finding someone new.
5. It's a huge ego boost - apparently he can treat you like dirt and yet you still want him back. Wow, he must be pretty great, huh?
6. He's one of those guys who flirt with everyone. Most women don't take him seriously/aren't interested, but the ones that are, those are the ones he sleeps with. He's not exactly discerning.
7. he's spent two years growing and reflecting on his behaviour, and he's realised he loves you. If you give him one more chance, he'll spend the rest of his life endeavouring to be worthy of you.

I know that the slim chance of (7) is very powerful and that you don't want to risk losing it. But think about what true remorse would look like - he would apologise, fully and comprehensively. He would offer to conduct the divorce fairly and amicably, to your schedule not his. He would not be living with another woman.

It would all be a bit more concrete than him making puppy eyes at you.

Actually I hope that it’s because he wants a divorce, because as harsh as that sounds, at least it will make the OP accept that it’s over and that he really doesn’t want to try again.

After just 2 years of marriage he cheated on you. How could you trust him again?

He was having an affair during lunchtime and can easily do it again....in essence he was using the woman for sex and ended it when she caught feelings. That's not the kind of man I'd want to be married to.

Sometimes the ones we love, don't love us back and don't respect us as they should.

Love just isn't enough sometimes.

@BlueThistles

You can take your comments and your toxic personality and crawl right back under the rock you emerged from. Pathetic? You know nothing about me. So keep your poisonous comments to yourself. Pathetic is someone who finds the time to trawl forums looking for opportunities to make people feel shit about themselves. I can do that all by myself thanks. So trot on you pathetic piece of the proverbial

the venom you display here at a stranger trying to help you online ...would be better directed at your scum bag Ex that is manipulating all the women in his life 🌺

100% agree! Whatever he’s plotting, he’s got no intention of leaving his girlfriend. I’d guess ego/boredom busting affair with you or buttering you up to get you to agree to a divorce as quickly, easily and favourably as possible. At least use the month’s lockdown to step back for a few weeks as this could potentially save you years of further pain.

@AlternativePerspective I agree. It would be a painful thing for the OP to hear, but at least it would give her final closure. She did say that she had managed to move on and was okay being on her own.