Words from the Wise

[Separatedandabitsad]

Hello. I’m separated. I moved out a few months ago and even though it’s for the best, it saddens me a lot. It took us a while including counselling to get to that stage and it still breaks my heart. Mumsnet helped me a lot through the worst of it (different username) and I’m just looking for some words of consolation or wisdom.

Will it get easier? I feel guilty for marrying him when I shouldn’t have even though I know he treated me badly — so we both made mistakes. I don’t hate my ex. It’s just so sad that all of our plans for the future and kids are gone now. I miss him and feel so lonely.

I’d really appreciate any words of wisdom. I really want to be happy but almost feel like I’m not allowed to be.

Anyone? ❤️

There must have been good reason for your separation.
Remember how you felt at the time
Write down the reasons
Nothing is black and white and so it's hard to focus on how you felt at the time but try and do that
Distract yourself from thinking about it - read books or watch films, don't dwell on what you are missing please.
You made the change, there was a reason for that and well done for being brave enough to do that
You can do this, we all can in this situation
It is harder in my opinion to change things than carry on the same but you did it and you can make a new life for the future

Yep it's all about distraction and not ruminating. He's probably planning hookups right now with different women but don't dwell on that. It's all about you and your life.

My advice is it gets easier.

The next bit sounds weird but.....
You need to let yourself feel lonely, you need to embrace it because it's the only way to get to the other side. Use the lonely time well, movies, bath, craft, sorting etc

The other side is the part where you won't ever compromise your needs for being in a relationship ever again because you don't feel lonely, you feel liberated and independent and enjoy your own company.

@alwayslookingforuser

Thank you so much. Distraction probably is the best approach & you're right: if I had continued, it would have been much much worse and not a happy life.

@Bettereveryday1

I know what you mean. I find myself thinking & worrying about him a lot & then I ring him & see he’s fine ... but I do need to think about myself. Rumination is hard all right. The feelings catch me off-guard & before I know it, I’m bawling crying.

@jeaux90

Thanks. So so true. Compromise my needs is exactly what I did. I needed to feel needed so badly that I very much compromised. I find the loneliness and regret very hard but I must remember it gets easier, like you say.

You should stop ringing him - it's just dragging it out and you need some distance to get over it.

I know - you’re right. In those low moments I think of him and I always end up ringing. Space is what we need though. It’s just hard to really make that full break.

I know you said you feel guilty about marrying him but if your intentions were good you should try and let go of that. Guilt can be a very destructive emotion, and only useful if it is both deserved and forces change. I use a mantra when I feel guilt "I did the best I could with the resources I had". (By resources I mean, skills, energy levels etc) If there's something to be learned, then learn it. But move on, you deserve happiness as much as we all do.

I am in a similar situation, OP. It's a bit different to you in that I was so miserable and beaten down by the end that I absolutely don't miss him - if I never saw him again it would be too soon, but we have 3 kids together. HOWEVER, I miss what I thought we had, who he pretended to be at the beginning and I grieve my hopes and plans for my life that has turned out so differently. @jeaux90 has summarised beautifully the way I feel about it all. I am absolutely embracing being single, strong and capable. I would rather remain so for the rest of my life than be in a relationship that requires me to ignore my needs.

Hi OP, I was you 12 years ago, not married but together a long time. I would say what helped me was nesting - making a home where I felt safe and that had my stamp all over it. Having a safe bolthole was a real comfort to me. I agree with PPs, try not to call him and do things that you enjoy and find fulfilling. I read a lot after my split, women centred books mainly, and it helped me a lot. Things will get better for you, I'm sure. Take care of yourself.

It’s important to “feel it to heal it” - but that’s not ruminating. It’s grieving. Respecting each of those sensations as they arise - observing them pass through you like a wave. You know that this sense of dread that has arisen will “only” last a day, morning, hour ... then look for the reward and comfort for yourself with the distractions and self care. Watch that balance shifting from the sorrow to the recovery to the freedom to joy in time.

Put in protective measures. Never ring him - sit on your hands - bake a cake - for a run - resist these “urges / impulses / compulsions” - to call. Cut down on alcohol if you need to.

Journaling is really helpful. Keep a list of why you left and what your hopes and dreams are for your future. Time, distance, processing your feelings and distractions
are your survival kit and before you know it you will be thriving. Good luck,

@LongWay833
Thank you. My intentions really were good but things spiralled out of control. I tried to salvage things but it was all too late: too much hurt & damage done. Thank you. I did do my best.

@everythingbackbutyou
You sound so strong. Wishing you the best.

@TofuDelights
You make a good point. I’m renting and don’t have my own place yet. I imagine that’ll help when I can manage it all. It’s hard to break the bonds and processing all that happened is taking much longer than I thought. I gave it a lot of thought and did a lot of therapy so I feel I should feel better...but it’s up & down I suppose!

@Sssloou

Thank you so much. I think you nailed it by saying to grieve, not ruminate. I struggle to see the difference. I do need to work on not contacting him and building my own future.

Grieving is from your body - it’s emotions and sensations that rise and come in waves - knotted stomach, gripped throat, heavy shoulders, tears. Ruminating is spending too much time in your head - looking a digging for the pain. The grief can get triggered by people, places, songs - anything - that’s OK as long as you recognise what’s going on and try to avoid triggering situations if possible.

It's only been a few months and this is very early days . It does take a long time . Too often the high profile threads on here feature someone who has discovered something awful about their partner and have it all dealt with and to a solicitor within a few days . Yeah right... You are the normal.

Thanks @Separatedandabitsad. I don't feel strong a lot of the time, but always anchored with the knowledge that I have done the right thing. Only this week I found myself crying tears of self pity as I was driving along because I was afraid my 13 year old was going to find her dad's new house/partner much more fun than me. She has given no such indication but it's very easy to become overwhelmed out of nowhere.

@Sssloou

Yes it gets triggered by all kinds of things. I do need to try to stop the rumination. Even our wedding day — remembering that feels so painful now. I wish it wasn’t so so painful! But I know I need to go through this.

@TofuDelights, also wise words! I am revelling in setting up my own apartment exactly as I want it. Rented but safe and MINE.

@VivaMiltonKeynes

Thank you. It was a long time coming before I eventually moved out so I didn’t think there was more grief and pain to come but I guess you’re right, it’s normal!

There is some really great advice here. I rented for 2 years just to give me time to process things, but I bought nice (not expensive!) soft furnishings, bedding, cosy throws etc, just to make my little flat a happy place to be. I grieved too, but it will pass. I hope you feel better soon OP.

A brilliant post (again!) from Ssslou. Everything, very good luck with your new place, I'm sure your daughter will be happier knowing she has a home with you where she can relax and just be herself. There are some very wise words on here, and I agree what another poster said which is that this is the norm. We get through it in our own ways, but we do get through!

If you can get along with your ex that's the best thing you can do for your kids, being together isn't the only way to successfully parent, having a good amicable relationship is a really good positive thing to aim for

I sadly don’t have children, which feeds in to my regret.

I am doing my best but sometimes the sadness/loneliness and regret feel overwhelming. It’s good to hear from others though & thanks for your kind & wise words.