Words from the Wise

[Separatedandabitsad]

Hello. I’m separated. I moved out a few months ago and even though it’s for the best, it saddens me a lot. It took us a while including counselling to get to that stage and it still breaks my heart. Mumsnet helped me a lot through the worst of it (different username) and I’m just looking for some words of consolation or wisdom.

Will it get easier? I feel guilty for marrying him when I shouldn’t have even though I know he treated me badly — so we both made mistakes. I don’t hate my ex. It’s just so sad that all of our plans for the future and kids are gone now. I miss him and feel so lonely.

I’d really appreciate any words of wisdom. I really want to be happy but almost feel like I’m not allowed to be.

Goodness, that was strange timing!

I know exactly what you mean about offloading everything. It can be a bit overwhelming to process it all at once. I look back sometimes and think did that really happen to me? I'm probably still processing some of it to be honest, and I'm years down the line!

In my experience yes, it was a big chunk of my life, but I wouldn't be where I am now if it hadn't happened. So in a waffly way I'm trying to say it's all worked out well in the long run for me, and you never know what, or who, is round the next corner!

Let's face it, if there hadn't been good bits we wouldn't have stayed for as long as we did, but as it ultimately wasn't right for us we both had to end things. Does that make any sense?

Spring will be lovely when it comes. I think I will plant some bulbs this weekend. I know you are renting, but do you have a garden, or somewhere you could put pots or a window box?

I'll stop now, but I'm glad you came back to update your post!

Thanks so much @TofuDelights Xxx

There were good bits and that’s definitely why I stayed & you too by the sounds of things. I know what you mean about processing. I’m processing it all too & it can feel like a lonely road. I regret so much (including getting married!) but you’re right - we get to where we are by having been somewhere else. I’m glad you found happiness and can look back with wisdom. I hope to get to where you are some day. Thanks for reminding me that we never know what or who is around the corner. I’m a sucker for love! I wish I wasn’t but the truth is I’d love to share my life with someone ..... but I’m more cautious now and that’s a good thing.

I’ve never had green fingers but maybe I could stretch to a window box! No garden but I might buy some flowers/plants. Nice idea!

Hi OP, I don't want to be presumptive but your last post sounded a little more cheerful to me, so I hope you are feeling a bit better! I'm sure you will get there, all it takes is some self care and time. I took the time to rediscover myself which really helped me.

I think you're absolutely right about being more cautious in the future, but you stand much more chance of getting things right next time, because you will know what and who is right for you. Then he just needs to turn up! It took time for me, but the wait was totally worth it!

If you've got a sunny windowsill you could try growing some herbs. I've got a basil plant that I bought in February (from Lidl!) and it's still going strong. Smells lovely and home made pesto is great!

Hope you have something nice planned for the weekend - garden centre maybe? They are open!

Thank you! I am feeling a little bit better app right; although I contacted my ex today (I know...why?!). I asked after him and about certain specifics in his life but he didn’t ask how I am and his responses were clipped! I was going to query this but I stopped myself. It hurts but they were only texts I suppose.

I love pesto and I have supermarket basil in the fridge; so that’s a great idea! Thank you!

Rediscovering yourself is a good way of putting it. I wish I had done that when I was younger so that kids etc would still be an option but I didn’t have it in me then ... I think I might just now. You never do know what’s around the corner!

Thanks so much for your encouragement.

Oh no, did you really need to text him? I'm sorry you got clipped replies, is this how he usually is? It sort of sounds like he has mentally distanced himself if he has been nice before, but if he is being like that now. I think you are absolutely right not to query it, his behaviour is no longer your problem but it's a bit hurtful to be on the receiving end of snippy texts. If I were you it might be an idea to keep things to factual things only, no how are you stuff, only things you need to discuss rather than things you might want to discuss. It doesn't really sound like he sees himself as your friend any more, or he would have been kinder. You know him best of course, but just an online friendly and best intentioned perspective.

Onwards and upwards young lady, the world is a funny and random old place, and if we are true to ourselves I think that is the best thing we can do!

Honestly, you never know what tomorrow might bring, or Sunday, or even Monday. (OK, maybe not Mondays but you see what I mean!) You sound so lovely, have faith and things will work out for you.

PS its been so nice talking to you, I have no doubt at all that you will turn that corner and all will be wonderful.

Aw thank you so much @TofuDelights
To answer your question, no I didn’t really need to text him. Thanks for asking that because that’s the question. He can sometimes be abrupt in texts (& verbally!) all right but this was another level entirely. It’s sad to think I’ll only be communicating with the person I married about factual things ... but it is the way it is. I foolishly thought we’d be friends but I suppose there’s a lot to process. It’s tempting to ring him to see what’s up.

Yes, being true to yourself is the most important thing. That’s something I’ve got a lot better at! I know colleagues of mine are curious as to why we broke up - & others don’t even know - but I don’t want to lie or pretend it was this ‘we just drifted’ scenario because it wasn’t.

Also, thanks in particular for this:

Honestly, you never know what tomorrow might bring, or Sunday, or even Monday. (OK, maybe not Mondays but you see what I mean!) You sound so lovely, have faith and things will work out for you

Some daffodils for you!.

Don't call him, please! It sounds a bit like scratching at a scab (sorry if that's a bit gross!) that is itching - very tempting but it ultimately won't do any good and will take longer to heal. Obviously I don't know what is going on in his head but it might make him irritated at you, which you don't need, or he might be getting some sort of kick out of you chasing him so he can be mean to you. He really doesn't sound like he wants to be friends with you. I totally understand what you say that this is a person you were married to, but your own sense of self is faaaar more important than checking in on him. Is he just attention seeking, do you think that could be what he's playing at?

As for your colleagues, you control the narrative there so you can tell them what you want. It's OK to just say you decided to leave, your decision but you're not ready to talk about it yet. Have you got in touch with any friends yet? Maybe you need to distract yourself by getting in touch with people who will be good for you, rather than someone who really sounds like he's not very good for you at all. Your priority now is you!!

Time for now I think, before I tackle the leaf mountain in the garden. It's grey and murky here this morning, but getting some fresh air and exercise will do me some good.

Thinking of you, and please don't do anything daft!

Thank you so much.

I was pretty close to doing something daft before I read your post! I was worrying about him even though he says he’s great - but you’re right - it’s like a quick fix & picking at a scab.

I reached out to one friend & we just talked about silly stuff & Covid (what else!) but it was a lovely chat & great to connect.

I hope you’ve managed to reduce your leaf mountain. Enjoy the walk. I’ll do the same after some much-needed grocery shopping! (& tea - lots of tea! ).

Hurrah! I'm so pleased you didn't do anything daft, and called a friend instead. Well done you!! Sometimes just chatting nonsense and having a laugh is all you need. Really chuffed for you. Brilliant!!

Now, he has told you he is fine so you have to believe him and let him get on with doing his own thing. I know it's hard not to worry, but please try. Distractions are what you need.

I'm so glad you feel good to have connected with your friend, now you need to keep it up and feel the benefit of coming back to yourself. It can be hard, I do understand, but it really will help!

Hope you have a good shopping experience. I still haven't got off my backside but will do it now! Feels like I'm cheering you on but totally failing to take my own advice. Gah!!

Hope to catch up with you later! ☕☕☕

I think we’re all better at cheering others on @TofuDelights I’ve had a fairly leisurely day which has been a gift to be honest. I did grocery shopping, laundry & baking! I didn’t make it to a garden centre (save some activity for next weekend ).

Thanks. You’re right. He says he’s fine and he probably is. Living my own life is a novel concept!!! It is lovely to hear from someone on the other side of it doing so much better and having met someone else. It struck me today in the grocery aisle that I’m actually a little afraid of men. I really hope to have my fairy restored!

I hope you got out to your leaf mountain I didn’t make it out for a walk today but I’m not going to beat myself up about it! Saturday was a long time coming this week so happy to be relaxing.

my faith restored I meant! ... my fairy is doing just fine

Ohhhh you've got a fairy, lucky you!!

It sounds like you've had a pretty productive day actually! Even baking, blimey, good for you. What did you bake? I'm jealous already and I don't even know what you made!

So a more serious question now, did something happen when you were out today? Your comment about the grocery aisle has worried me a bit. Are you OK?

I did get rid of the leaf mountain yes thanks, and picked the last of the tomatoes too, then did a big load of tidying up in the garden. I feel better for having done it. You should feel good about everything you've done today too! And I agree, it's always easier to cheer on others than it is to cheer on ourselves. I think we've probably both done pretty well today and yes, it's been a long week here too. I think it's time to choose a film for tonight!!

Hope you have a nice evening, snuggled up in PJs or comfy clothes on the sofa, with a film, book or TV of choice. One final thought, whatever you decide to do or watch it is Your Choice! I was so happy that I didn't have to watch Top Gear any longer, or sport all weekend. Such a relief really, the remote control is yours!

Very true about the remote control! I watched my fair share of sport while I was with my ex!

No nothing happened. I just thought it while lost in thought in the breakfast cereal aisle!

Great you got all that done in the garden. I baked bread & scones (& ate a lot!!). I haven’t baked in months but the mood took me so I went with it!

Night night.

Scones?! I'm on my way!!

I'm glad nothing happened, I wondered if you'd had an unfortunate incident or something. People can be weird in supermarkets at the minute. I've had people practically shoving me out of the way to get things off shelves etc, not maintaining any distance at all. Pretty intimidating when it's a large or angry man.

I'm not a baker at all, that's fantastic that you can bake your own bread! My OH has a bread maker but we've not used it for ages. I know it's a bit of a cheat but fresh bread with homemade soup is delicious. Mmmmm soup! I might dig out some chard and make soup this afternoon. Thanks for the inspiration!

Hope you're having a nice day today. The weather is much nicer here than it was yesterday, which is an unexpected bonus!