Words from the Wise

[Separatedandabitsad]

Hello. I’m separated. I moved out a few months ago and even though it’s for the best, it saddens me a lot. It took us a while including counselling to get to that stage and it still breaks my heart. Mumsnet helped me a lot through the worst of it (different username) and I’m just looking for some words of consolation or wisdom.

Will it get easier? I feel guilty for marrying him when I shouldn’t have even though I know he treated me badly — so we both made mistakes. I don’t hate my ex. It’s just so sad that all of our plans for the future and kids are gone now. I miss him and feel so lonely.

I’d really appreciate any words of wisdom. I really want to be happy but almost feel like I’m not allowed to be.

For me it was about realising I needed to and had a right do mourn the death of my dreams, the death of what was 'meant' to happen. And reminding myself that was what I was missing and the person himself.

Allow yourself to be sad about the loss of dreams, even allow yourself a bit of wallowing time - but timetable. So when you start to feel down, you remind yourself that grieving is planned for half an hour at 6pm on a Monday and Thursday, for example. Play all the sad songs for half an hour at that time and let be sad - and cry if you want but set an alarm for the end of the half hour and a planned treat, whether that's a shower, a manicure, a chat with a friend or a sweet treat. And get on with whatever you have planned for after that 30 mins. Preferably something physical to release any tension left in the body.

@NannyGythaOgg

Yeah I think that’s a big part of it - the life I thought I’d have and the dreams for a happy home and lots of children we had are all gone now and it breaks my heart sometimes . I ask myself how I got it so wrong and I beat myself up ... but I do have to remember my intentions were good and well, sometimes life has a different plan in store!

I like the idea of scheduled grieving time. It’s a good idea not to allow myself to sink into it for too long. I’m often ok when I’m busy and I just keep going but lately it’s been harder as I see much less of people.

Thanks to you all. Your words help a lot.

Hello OP, how are you doing this morning? The sun is trying to shine here this morning, the cat is stuffed from his tuna breakfast and I'm hoping to go out for a walk later. Small things that make me feel good.

@TofuDelights

Thank you so much for asking. I’m still sad but not as bad as yesterday. I’m still in bed drinking coffee!

That’s so lovely you have a cat for company. When I have my own place I hope to get my own pet and/or ‘shared custody’ of the dog DH and I had together.

I will go for a walk later too! Walking is great for the soul!

Do any of you worry that you’ll never meet anyone else? Or did any of you meet someone else?

Sometimes I worry that I’ve been so hurt and damaged by all of this that I’m not sure I could ever love and commit properly again ... but the worrying thing is, I want a long-lasting, healthy relationship more than anything, and always have.

Thoughts?

Morning! Coffee in bed sounds great, nice and indulgent. Good for you! I didn't want to 'merail' your thread yesterday but 12 years down the line I am now happily living with the love of my life who I met 5 years ago. The cat is his, so I am a cat step mum. It took me a long time to get to this place, but the main thing is I would never have met him if I hadn't split from my ex. I'm not saying that it will take you as long as it took me, but there is hope! It sounds like things are still really raw for you now, but for me things have definitely worked out for the best in the long run. I really really don't want to come over all patronising or anything, but when I was where you are I didn't really have anyone to talk to in real life, and your post called out to me. I wish I'd had someone to tell me it would all be OK in the end. I've maybe said this all wrong, and sorry if I have, but I think things happen for a reason. You have done the right thing, you know you have, you just need to find your feet again and focus on yourself for a bit.

Sorry that was a bit longer than I intended! I'm more of a cat person, but is it OK if I ask you to tell me about your dog? I used to 'borrow' a neighbour's cat and it was lovely to have four legged company!

Cross posted with you there! Hope my enormous epistle helps!

Well, I can tell you that there is always a chance of a good relationship. I think it might be a good idea to work on building friendships and support systems first? You seem lovely actually and I get the feeling you would make a great friend.

More wise words there from Long! And I agree totally, and think you would be a great friend. It helped me to make more female friends. I joined a women's gym, made a few great friends who I would never have met otherwise, and this really helped me expand my horizons.

Thank you both a lot.

I have many friends but sadly they don’t live near me & due to restrictions where I live, I’m not permitted to travel to see people. I do find it next to impossible to reach out to friends when I’m low. Everyone is so burdened with their own issues these days and so, my therapist is the only person I can really unmask to.

I’d love to get more involved in something but I’m finding the current restrictions where I live, well, restrictive!

I’m so genuinely happy to read your story TofuDelights. I guess you must have learned a lot during those 7 years single. It must be nice to have a step-cat.

As for the dog, it’s painful for me not to have her with me. She’s with my ex and she’s the most friendly, terrific, affectionate and yet undemanding living being I’ve ever known! People have advised me to let her go and get my own dog when I have my own place but she’s special to me.

I can imagine how much you miss your dog, and I hope you can manage to work something out to see her again. Is this something that think you can contact your ex about, on a very low key non-emotional basis? I can understand this might be hard for you though.

I know what you mean about friends and the restrictions. I've seen one friend once since March, not seen my best friend since February and not seen my own family since November. It's been really tough, and you've had a relationship breakdown to deal with on top of everything else we've all had to deal with this year. I do feel for you, you must be really strong to have got to where you are today. I do admire you!

I also struggled to reach out to friends at the time, stiff upper lip and all that, but it turned out afterwards that had they known how tough it was for me they would have been more than happy to listen and help. Maybe it would be worth getting in touch with someone?

And yes, I learned a lot about myself, I got back to who I was before I met my ex, which was a very good thing! Being a cat mum again is also lovely! Even the tuna-stuffed snoring is endearing!

Well. After some very bad relationships (emotionally, physically abusive) was ready to give up and stay single when I got set up with my now husband. I didn't take to him at all at first, he was nervous and talked a bit of nonsense, physically I recognised that he would be considered attractive by some but I discounted that he was the one for me.... Luck made us meet up a few times afterwards ( we knew a lot of the same people...) , And then one time we had what turned out to be a pretty romantic walk along the river at night (walking me home), and he kissed me and it was amazing. I still moved incredibly slow and I still didn't trust him fully for years. But he was patient and we've been together for over ten years now and I trust him and love him completely... It's not something I say on here much because it sounds like I'm (a) gloating and weirdly I've been told I'm naive for trusting him (on Mumsnet , not on real life). So.... I don't tell anyone, but since you asked.... . I don't think I'm lucky, I think there are many good men out there, I think you have to be in the right place to meet them, which I wasn't fully. I'm just lucky life intervened a bit .... So I hope you don't think this post is annoying, and I really think you have a chance at that healthy, happy relationship you hope for.

Hi Long, I think your post is really good, and I hope the OP finds it useful. You sound really happy and I'm pleased for you. For me, the push came from my sister, and I tried a dating site I hadn't used before. I was just about to ditch it when someone new popped on, and his profile actually made me laugh out loud. He was outside the age range I was looking at but I thought stuff it and contacted him. It took me a long time to trust him, but now we've been living together for over a year. I think I was really lucky (still do) because his colleagues had said to him what my sister said to me, there is no way we would have met otherwise.

So OP, two entirely different stories, hopefully they will give you some hope. I genuinely think that when the time is right for you, whether you expect it or not, you will find what you are looking for. You sound like a lovely person, and I wish all the best for you.

Thanks to you both for posting and sharing.

@TofuDelights
Well you understand exactly how I feel not seeing friends and family. It is hard. People tell me I’m strong but I just cried into my lunch as it brought back memories. There is no way around it I suppose!

I cannot see the dog now as they live too far away but I’m hoping I’ll be able to arrange something. Unfortunately no pets are allowed in my current rental!

@LongWay833

Thank you. It’s lovely that you believe there are lots of lovely men out there because there are. I sometimes worry that I’m turning into a man-hater and I don’t want to because men face challenges in life too and even though we read horror stories on MN, there are men who wouldn’t dream of behaving the way they do. I do like to have hope.

Oh no, sorry if anything I said made you feel bad. I think crying can just be a physical release, it's definitely not a sign of weakness. I think you are strong - you've got yourself out, you've moved into a new place, and you've done what I was too daft to do, which was to talk about how you are feeling.

I spent loads of time on RightMove when I was renting, that for me was a good distraction, looking for a place to buy. Probably spent too much time drooling over the places I couldn't afford, but it was fun and made me focus on what I needed vs what I thought I wanted. My rental was tiny, but lovely, and it helped me to readjust my needs.

On men, I'm generally wary of men as a class, but yes, there are plenty of lovely men out there. I dated occasionally when I was single, but had given up till my sister pushed me, I wouldn't have met DP otherwise. In fact all the men I dated were nice, just not a good match for me. There is always hope, and you never know where you'll be in 12 months time. Have these from me to put on a windowsill. I quite often bought myself a little bunch of flowers to cheer me up. When the daffodils come in spring, they are my favourites to buy, as you can actually hear them crinkling as they open, and they are just so bright and cheery. Hunker down for a few months, rest and recover in your little sanctuary, and look forward to the daffs.

I hope this is all OK, and that it comes over as I intended. I know I'm not always very eloquent!

What a beautiful post @TofuDelights

It certainly wasn’t you making me cry but thanks.

Yes, ‘rest and recover’ is probably what I need to do. Believe me, for a very long time, I spoke to no-one and felt stuck. It’s taken me a long time to get this far. Thanks for telling me I’ve done well - it reminds me of the distance I’ve come.

Thanks for the flowers and once spring comes I’ll fill a vase with daffodils (& send the good karma to you!).

That's a relief, I was a bit worried then! I didn't know there was a icon, totally missed that, oooops.

I wish I'd known about MN when I was going through my break, like you I spoke to no one and it would have been nice to have someone to tell me I was doing OK. But yes, you are doing well, of course you are. Have faith, take care of yourself and let's all hope for better things in 2021!

And thank you for the

Exactly. 2020 has been a year to remember, that’s for sure! I will be doing the official divorce in 2021 but hopefully by then I’ll have more strength and clarity.

Give your cat a little gentle rub from me.

I'm sure you will have more clarity by then, I think you have all the strength you need already!

I will give him a stroke when he comes out! He is currently snoozing in his favourite cardboard box. Cats eh?!

I sometimes read over this thread. It helps. I like this sentiment:

I also struggled to reach out to friends at the time, stiff upper lip and all that, but it turned out afterwards that had they known how tough it was for me they would have been more than happy to listen and help. Maybe it would be worth getting in touch with someone

It’s so hard to reach out because everyone is so weighed down with their own troubles these days but I’m going to at least make an effort to chat to people. I feel like I’m going through a bereavement but without the outpouring of public support. A separation is a peculiar kind of thing really! I feel Shame & embarrassment too. Some days are definitely better than others though & I do look forward to brighter times ahead.

Hello OP, I have been wondering about how you were doing, but didn't want to comment on the thread in case you were feeling a bit better and didn't want to talk here.
I don't believe you have any reason to feel shame, and I'm personally uncomfortable with that word as you have done the right thing in terms of moving on from a situation where you weren't happy. You only have one life, and you deserve to live it in a way that allows you the chance to find happiness. Other people may have views or opinions but ultimately yours are the ones that matter most.
I'm glad you're going to reach out to your friends! You don't even have to talk about your situation if you don't want to, just get reconnected with them and keep it lighthearted if you want to. The most important thing is just to get in touch. Have a laugh if you can, maybe chat about old times, and plan a meet up or something when it's possible again. Fingers crossed!
Brighter times will come, spring will be here before we know it, you just need to look after yourself over the next few months.
I'll stop waffling on now, but remember we've got your back, someone will always be here for you. You're not on your own. Take care, and from me.

Thanks @TofuDelights

It’s an odd one. I know I could tell my friends lots of things my STBEXH said & did and they’d be appalled but it was a long relationship with many dimensions so I’m wary of painting him as a villain, even though I did feel let down by him but maybe I was too vulnerable to marry when I did! I’ve come a long way with it all but I feel I sacrificed a whole stage of life to the relationship so I have to try to remember the good parts too!

Spring will be welcome when it does roll around all right! We all benefit from the longer days!

Hi OP, just wondering how you're doing tonight? I hope I haven't put my foot in it in my last post. Anyway, just to let you know that there is someone out here thinking about you. Hope you're OK.