Relationship with twin sister and recent fallout

[falaff]

Hi all,

Sorry this is long.

I have a strained and unhappy relationship with my identical twin sister. We were inseparable until we were 18 and then slipped further and further apart. She now lives in America. We have always argued and it is often petty. I have been trying very hard over the last few years not to fall out but it never seems to work. I feel like it is all very childish and it is mostly her and I can't seem to fix it.

One of the major things that I struggle with is that she will be very unkind, or voice an unwanted/upsetting opinion, and is regularly nasty and is strong with her words, always over messenger/text. If I get upset or take offense she accuses me of being over sensitive and 'wanting to fight' and that she is sick of me.

An example is excitedly showing her the house I had my offer accepted on and had saved up my whole life to buy, and her telling me that I could 'do better' was it was 'beyond her' as to why I would want to live in a tiny terrace. I can't afford a 5 bed house in huge grounds like she can in America and my house is lovely. I was disappointed that she didn't at least pretend to be happy for me and mentioned this to my Mum. She then fell out with me for being oversensitive and trying to cause issues not allowing anyone to have an opinion. The words she used were very cutting.

We have recently fallen out very badly and I am affected to the point where I am having nightmares. She made me a present and sent it from America to my parents, who I do not live with. I didn't have chance to get it for a while because of covid. When I visited I was in a rush and with my partner and said I would open it later. I was told there was a letter that I had to read and I felt awkward opening it with everyone gawping. I also wanted to give it the time it deserved. I got back to my house very late, jumped in my partner's car and then spent the next 2 days in work until 11pm and staying with my partner. I left the present in my car by accident.

On the second night when I was still in work (I told her this and apologised for not opening it) she sent me a long message saying how much I had hurt her and how much time and money she had spent on it. She said that I am the most selfish person she knows and that my feelings are always more important than others. She said that she is 'done with me' and she cannot cope with how self centered I am. She said a lot more and in very harsh words. I apologised again and explained why (I was still in work at this point), but she wouldn't listen. I had a panic attack in my car on the way home.

She has since not spoken to me for over a month. She has ignored the fact that I have got a puppy (a huge thing and she knows this) and has ignored my messages. All this because I was busy and made a mistake. Despite her comments about my selfishness I actually didn't open the present because I was thinking about others - staying for dinner to make my parents happy; driving back for 2 hours because my partner was tired; staying for hours in work to reach a deadline because no-one else would do it. I know I made a mistake and I am very sorry that I upset her, but I was enhausted. I am not the selfish awful person she says I am and it hurts so much to hear these words.

In addition, I find the present difficult because she is so regularly nasty to me. I honestly feel like she didn't really do it for me but for her (she enjoys making things and got a new tool). I don't know how to explain it. My Mum told me about the present when I made a comment that my sister had upset me again, and she said 'if you could only see what she's made you you'd know she really loves you'. I then felt guilt tripped into accepting her hurtful words because of this.

Her words are so cutting and affect me more and more. I just can't cope with how she talks to me and I want to tell her that I won't accept it anymore. It is affecting my mental health and my relationship with my partner and my parents. At the same time I am terrified of saying this to her because we are identical twins and should be the best of friends and I worry I will lose her. I can't do it anymore though.

Please be kind; I know it sounds so childish and small but there is a huge history and a difficult dynamic and I'm finding it very upsetting.

@Falaff l am wondering if you have ever done any reading up on Narcissistic siblings & flying monkeys and enablers, I am no expert but this really sounds familiar.

Sounds like a v similar relationship to the one I have with my much older sister. The whole thing is driven by jealousy. Despite her being the one who, on paper, has a much better life she is wildly jealous of anything I do, get or achieve. Her feelings have to come before everything else: her hypothetical future upset is more important than my present, actual hurt.

The jealousy per se I find amusing. She chose to move away to university then further afield after yet was jealous that I (being 8) stayed with mum and we actually did things (rather than being stuck at the house all the time mourning her loss). It makes me secretive (I told my ma I was heading to NZ on holiday a week before I left as I knew sister had never been, would be furious I was going before her and booked herself and on the first flight out). Her attempts to make me jealous are just pathetic and don’t work.

I find my sister’s behaviour easier to accept than my mum’s. I’m vlc with sister and just try to laugh at her. It’s my mum I feel more hard done by - I know she wants an easy life and can’t cope with sister’s tantrums but that often comes at a price- I’m treated as though I have no feelings and am happy to be treated like shit. If I say otherwise I get told to shut up as it upsets mum to hear it, told ‘ I didn’t think you’d be so upset’ (probably as I’m not allowed to express it’ or simply told that I’m not ‘actually’ upset (despite my tears).

It has damaged my relationship with my mother but I don’t think she’s noticed.

So no advice but much sympathy.

I know this thread is a bit old, but I just wanted to add that I completely understand where you are coming from. I am a twin (non-identical). My twin has a serious attitude problem - has done for as long as I can remember. She's permanently angry and bitter. When she texts me she comes across as rude, aggressive and impatient. The short of it is, if you're not like her, if she doesn't understand you, and you don't live your life like you and her husband, then there must be something wrong with you. Both her and her husband together are extremely high and mighty and judgemental. I used to brush her cruel words off as being 'just her', but that never worked in creating a better relationship between us. She's impossible to have a relationship with as I'm constantly walking on eggshells with her. Anyway, now I keep her at arms length, out of respect for myself! he's unpredictable and emotionally and verbally abusive. No amount of me ignoring her if going to fix that or fix her unhappiness. So I no longer take responsibility. If she's rude to me I will tell her - I won't tolerate her crossing the line with me anymore. However, I also get similar speeches from my mum about how us not getting on upsets her etc...I've told my mum it's not my responsibility to fix my sister, it's my responsibility to look after myself and that's what I'm doing by not allowing her to think it's ok to verbally abuse me whenever she fancies it!

I would add it has taken me many years to get to this point of feeling at peace with the way things are and showing myself this level of self-respect. I think it sounds like some therapy for yourself to build your self esteem would help you separate your self-worth from how she is treating you, and help you draw healthier boundaries.

Twin relationships are hard because they're full of expectations, but these expectations are a fantasy x

I would re-read your original post. Looking at it from outside, what advice would you give someone who posted that. I think you have settled into a role of appeaser and your sister has settled into a role of being dominant. Your parents want you both to get on but don't want to rock the boat with your sister and because you are more local, they would rather put the pressure on you rather than addressing the issue and calling her out.

My ILs are like this - my OH always has the 'your sister would appreciate it if you contacted her' Why can't she just ring and speak to him herself?

I think you are also mourning the relationship you haven't had rather than accepting you are both very different. She sounds like a difficult person to please!

Why do you think she is so angry and aggressive towards you?
I would back right off to give yourself some headspace. Stop apologising, this can come across as passive aggressive and ameliorates your conscience..meaning you abdicate any of your own responsibility in the relationship.
Keep any interactions brief and breezy.
Get some counselling because it sounds like you have a lot of bitterness and anger that you are not addressing, you had resolved to not to give your sister any reason to be angry...again, this can be a passive aggressive stance to adopt and is making your sister more angry. I agree with a PP about how honest you are being with yourself about the present ( added to which, you suspect she only did it because she likes making things and had a new tool; it doesn't come across well). I wonder if there is some manipulation in the receiving and opening of it? It could come across to your sister that you are too busy to open her gift to you.

My guess is that your sister might be very confused at where her anger is coming from and how it is generated. You have both come to an impasse. Stop being oh, so reasonable and explore your role in the sister dynamic.
I say this as someone who is capable of some of the behaviour I've outlined, no criticism, just thoughts.
FWIW my own sister relationship was turned around when I addressed my own behaviour

God, just enjoy your life with the family you’ve chosen-your boyfriend and the dog. Family is what we choose for ourselves. Your mother and sister are fucking disasters who live for drama, stop giving them an audience and allowing them to emotionally bully you. Most people don’t particularly like their siblings, it’s fine.

If you do come back to this post @falaff my advice would be to practice saying oh f off. To both your sister and dm.
You'll feel empowered when they realise you refuse to be the whipping boy any longer.