Relationship with twin sister and recent fallout

[falaff]

Hi all,

Sorry this is long.

I have a strained and unhappy relationship with my identical twin sister. We were inseparable until we were 18 and then slipped further and further apart. She now lives in America. We have always argued and it is often petty. I have been trying very hard over the last few years not to fall out but it never seems to work. I feel like it is all very childish and it is mostly her and I can't seem to fix it.

One of the major things that I struggle with is that she will be very unkind, or voice an unwanted/upsetting opinion, and is regularly nasty and is strong with her words, always over messenger/text. If I get upset or take offense she accuses me of being over sensitive and 'wanting to fight' and that she is sick of me.

An example is excitedly showing her the house I had my offer accepted on and had saved up my whole life to buy, and her telling me that I could 'do better' was it was 'beyond her' as to why I would want to live in a tiny terrace. I can't afford a 5 bed house in huge grounds like she can in America and my house is lovely. I was disappointed that she didn't at least pretend to be happy for me and mentioned this to my Mum. She then fell out with me for being oversensitive and trying to cause issues not allowing anyone to have an opinion. The words she used were very cutting.

We have recently fallen out very badly and I am affected to the point where I am having nightmares. She made me a present and sent it from America to my parents, who I do not live with. I didn't have chance to get it for a while because of covid. When I visited I was in a rush and with my partner and said I would open it later. I was told there was a letter that I had to read and I felt awkward opening it with everyone gawping. I also wanted to give it the time it deserved. I got back to my house very late, jumped in my partner's car and then spent the next 2 days in work until 11pm and staying with my partner. I left the present in my car by accident.

On the second night when I was still in work (I told her this and apologised for not opening it) she sent me a long message saying how much I had hurt her and how much time and money she had spent on it. She said that I am the most selfish person she knows and that my feelings are always more important than others. She said that she is 'done with me' and she cannot cope with how self centered I am. She said a lot more and in very harsh words. I apologised again and explained why (I was still in work at this point), but she wouldn't listen. I had a panic attack in my car on the way home.

She has since not spoken to me for over a month. She has ignored the fact that I have got a puppy (a huge thing and she knows this) and has ignored my messages. All this because I was busy and made a mistake. Despite her comments about my selfishness I actually didn't open the present because I was thinking about others - staying for dinner to make my parents happy; driving back for 2 hours because my partner was tired; staying for hours in work to reach a deadline because no-one else would do it. I know I made a mistake and I am very sorry that I upset her, but I was enhausted. I am not the selfish awful person she says I am and it hurts so much to hear these words.

In addition, I find the present difficult because she is so regularly nasty to me. I honestly feel like she didn't really do it for me but for her (she enjoys making things and got a new tool). I don't know how to explain it. My Mum told me about the present when I made a comment that my sister had upset me again, and she said 'if you could only see what she's made you you'd know she really loves you'. I then felt guilt tripped into accepting her hurtful words because of this.

Her words are so cutting and affect me more and more. I just can't cope with how she talks to me and I want to tell her that I won't accept it anymore. It is affecting my mental health and my relationship with my partner and my parents. At the same time I am terrified of saying this to her because we are identical twins and should be the best of friends and I worry I will lose her. I can't do it anymore though.

Please be kind; I know it sounds so childish and small but there is a huge history and a difficult dynamic and I'm finding it very upsetting.

Sorry - you're not single, I just realised. But the rest of it works.

There is a golden child/scapegoat situation here. Sorry if this sounds ignorant but I had no idea this occurred with identical twins too, but clearly it does!

I have similar with my sister. We fall out, my parents side with her, even if she's behaved terribly, put pressure on me to make up. Meanwhile, fussing round her to assuage her "upset". She is more outwardly emotional and I'm stoical so they seem to think I don't have feelings. (Surprise - I do!)

A few years ago she did something intolerable and I've been NC with her since. My parents know but told me I should understand that she's so sensitive. As a result I'm LC with them too.It's utterly shit but after that it finally hit me that the dynamic will never change and I need to live my own life at a distance.

It really hurts when I allow myself to think about it. I know so many people with caring parents or sisters they are close to and I'm not sure why I can't have that.

I suggest you take a big step back from your sister. If you change the dynamic she might "come to you". Mine has made some attempts recently - our parents are elderly and I think she's panicking about how to manage them if they get infirm/ill/die. But to be honest I'm over it now.

Hi OP I'm currently estranged from my twin. I echo what some PP have said, the twin dynamic is very complex and probably you only really get it if you're a twin yourself. I would suggest you start by reading up about twin relationships, to help with the expectations you and your family have about what a twin relationship 'should' be like.

This book is good, although a bit academic: www.amazon.co.uk/Twin-Enigma-Exploration-Enduring-Fascination/dp/1782204776?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Also try articles on this site www.estrangedtwins.com/twinship-sometimes-feels-like-a-scary-roller-coaster-ride/

I think writing a long letter with all your feelings is a great idea as long as you don't send it - just use it as a tool to get everything down. Sending it is likely to cause way more problems. You could burn it after writing perhaps?

Your task is to forge a life for yourself, one where you are not emotionally abused or gaslighted by your twin or your wider family. It is hard, painful work but definitely worth it. It may or may not include being in touch with your twin, but some distance from your whole family might help you - not NC, and not done in a brutal or shocking way, but just putting some boundaries in place. I love my twin but she has been in a very unhealthy place and until (if) that changes, on the whole it is better for us both to be apart. I'm not going to lie though, it has been and continues to be excruciating at times.

You have to find a way to accept you will not have the supportive and close relationship you wish for, and in fact that might well not be in either of your best interests.

Finally, never lose sight of your compassion for your twin, who will also be suffering. But be prepared for some serious anger and grief to work through as you separate. Because whether you stay in touch or not, you will need to separate emotionally.

I wish you lots of luck. You're not alone, even though it feels like you are. Other twins have walked this path. Hugs.

So maybe you are a bit over-sensitive

There's no such thing. 'You're being over-sensitive' is emotional invalidation. OP is being routinely and consistently invalidated by her mum and sister, and subsequently, invalidates herself.

'You're being over-sensitive' is the equivalent of 'Don't be silly, with your silly little feelings and your silly little emotional responses. I know better than you what the correct emotional response is, and you're getting it wrong.' The feelings are not at fault. OP can help herself by taking charge of her responses to those feelings, not by considering them to be 'over-sensitive'.

I suspect moving to America has done her no favours. It seems to reinforce selfish people in their entitlement.

The more you talk about your sister, the more I identify with you!

My sister has been cross that people don't visit her and is unable to accept, despite being an intelligent woman, that people can't afford it. She can afford it, so others should seems to be the thinking. She issues the same sorts of insults and re: the dog, I totally get you. My sister, if cross, would deliberately use "not asking about the dog" as a passive aggressive way to get revenge for your "unacceptable" behaviour. I think this is what you are alluding to. You've probably tried to talk about the dog in a very natural way and she's blanked you? She wants to hurt you and knows this is a way to do so. There really is no reasoning with the unreasonable though. I have another sister, who I'm close to. If we piss each other off it's brief, it's understood as unintentional as both of us believe the other to be basically a good person, and its either discussed if either of us feel it needs to be or just forgotten as it's no big deal. Having a normal relationship with another sister helps me see what my older sister does to relationships and to realise that she is highly troubled. We can't change her but I do hope that one day she gets the helps she needs to see what she's doing. Not just for me as she has bullied me for years but also as I can see that she's setting herself up in such a lonely position and alienating everyone (except my dad who of course, is an enabler).

I feel for you OP. Whenever I think about my relationship (non-existent) with my brother I get upset. He makes no effort. I get a text twice a year. His wife constantly posts on FB about all the things they do with her local family but they won’t ever come and see us (it would take a while but in the UK so not the expense you would have). I have to put it to myself as he’s just somebody I used to live with a long time ago. I don’t even know his interests now. He knows I’m here for a chat if he ever wanted but he doesn’t, and that’s the bit that’s hard for me to reconcile. He just doesn’t want a sibling relationship.

In your case, I think your sister has a more abusive role and your parents are never going to look beyond ‘oh they should stop being silly and be friends’. If you think about it, it will hurt. So put it out your mind when you can and act cool and detached the rest of the time.

You sound like you're doing a lot of people-pleasing to avoid conflict. You need to stop trying to make your parents and sister happy and start taking care of yourself.

I think the present issue is a bit of a red herring here; it's the whole relationship dynamic that is deeply f**d up, and given the kind of person your sister is, she would have found a reason to fall out with you at some point regardless of how hard you tried to keep her happy.

I identify strongly with everything you've written as I have a very similar situation with my own sister. We aren't twins but we are very close in age, and she is a very difficult person. We had had a conflictual relationship for a long time. I spent ages trying to placate her, and finally I did something that made her furious -- I couldn't back down though as I knew in my heart I had made the right decision, and it was something very important to me. She cut off contact with me completely.

I was devastated and did everything I could to try to win her back. Apologised, sent her cards and so on. There was no response. In the meantime family members including my parents kept telling me the kind of thing your parents are telling you -- talking about how much they wished we would just get on, and implying that the ongoing rift was my fault. It felt so unfair as I had tried so hard to mend things.

I visited the US (my family are all in the US) and she refused to see me. At that point some family friends realised it wasn't my fault as I was in pieces over not being able to see her. I had never imagined I would travel all that way and she would still refuse to see me.

Anyway, I went through a long period of mourning, but slowly realised that I was powerless to control her actions (even though well-meaning relatives were still telling me it was my fault). I finally realised that cutting me off was a huge gift in many ways. I would never have had the balls to do it myself, I loved her too much, but once the grief subsided, I found it such a relief to have the drama removed from my life, and to stop having to placate her all the time.

Now it's eight years later and I still haven't heard from her. I've made my peace with it. If she wants to reach out, she knows where I am. But to be honest I prefer to be free of her. If she ever does get in touch, I will be courteous but remain emotionally distant. I have to protect myself.

So if I were you, I would look at this as a blessing in disguise. Take time to grieve, but stop trying to contact her. Back off. It's not your fault. Ignore all the people telling you it IS your fault. They don't understand. In fact your parents sound as toxic as she is in many ways (I think that dysfunctional parenting is often at the root of these dramatic sibling fall outs). It's hard for you because you live close to your parents, but just refuse to engage when they try to talk to you about your sister. It's none of their business. Set boundaries with them as well!

If you see a therapist, they will certainly help you feel better about what has happened and help you shake off the unwarranted feelings of guilt.

You would be surprised how many people there are with estranged siblings. To me it seemed catastrophic at the beginning my children growing up without knowing her children! but believe me, it gets easier with time.

Let go. It's not your fault. I wish my sister no harm I now think she probably has some kind of personality disorder but I've stopped trying to influence the way she behaves. Life is too short. If your sister doesn't want to contact you, that's her loss. Good luck!

Oh and even though I already wrote an insanely long message, I wanted to say that I do understand how much the breakdown of a sibling relationship can affect your mental health. I actually slid into full-fledged alcoholism for awhile, and looking back I can see that the whole saga with my sister played a part. The feelings were so strong, I didn't know how to handle them, and I was desperate to numb them. Then I found AA, which was a place to talk about all that grief. Their mantra is the serenity prayer: accepting the things you can't change, and having the courage to change the things you can. Over time I understood that my sister's behaviour was firmly in the category of things I couldn't change. All I could do was let go of my end of the rope. A good therapist might have helped me understand the same thing, but in my case it was AA.

And oh yeah LAST thing.

I now think that the bad dynamic with my sister WAS partly my fault because I let it continue for so long. I had fallen into a pattern of repressing and hiding my own feelings in order to placate her and validate hers. It was a kind of dishonesty on my part really. I thought I was being the bigger person but actually it just gave her permission to carry on behaving badly to me.

Trust me, in a healthy sibling relationship, if your sister sends you a special gift and you have so much stuff on your plate that you forget to open it promptly, you can explain to your sister what happened and although she may be a little miffed, she will get it. All the guilt-tripping you and punishing you is totally over the top. People are human, they forget things and they make mistakes. A relationship that depends on you behaving perfectly all the time is not a sustainable relationship.

This is not at all childish or petty because I have the same with my sister. I get it. I’m in therapy and it helps enormously. With help I’ve realised that there is something called the “emotional gap”. This is what you have. I’d suggest you go into therapy and start watching relevant videos and reading up on psychology. It will help you understand. Google emotional gap relationship and watch the video by Alan Robart. That’s why this is so painful. People with secure relationships who have their emotional needs met cannot possibly begin to understand. The best thing to do is keep an emotional distance and protect your own emotional well-being. Invest in yourself. Build up a circle of positive friends. This is toxic and impacting your well being. It has to stop.

The whole family dynamic is toxic. You can not change these people and you are under no obligation to take their crap.

Accessing therapy needs to be your priority, your sister and parents are who they are and you need to start prioritising your mh by decreasing your exposure to them.

You are not powerless but you do need to accept that you can not fix them.

Every thing @AgentJohnson says.

Your parents are not flawless. Creating a childhood environment for competition and now trying to minimise your feelings, thoughts and reality of a long structural situation. This isn’t about gifts, puppies, houses. It’s about power and control. It sounds v enmeshed and narcissistic.

The aim seems to be to gag you.

You will become v ill and negatively impact your MH, your RS, future and career of you keep trying to find “resolution” with these toxic people.

Emotionally detach, metaphorically turn your back. Look to build your emotional internal world related to your true self and not one dictated by and at the whim of 3 people.

You can grey rock, detach slowly and seek professional help to support you in doing so.

Accept that this is an enmeshed toxic family and adapt by gently untangling yourself from these people.

Start by only speaking to your DP every other day .. once a week etc.

Disconnect from them in your head. Slowly. Don’t do anything dramatic - this will only be hanging them the bullets to shoot you with.

You could have just opened the bloody present. It really didn’t need a special moment to open it.

My mil did this with Xmas presents. Then left them un opened at my bils for weeks. She had forgot as she had soooooo much on her mind.

Take ownership of your own part in this. Your both as bad as each other.

I think the present issue is a bit of a red herring here; it's the whole relationship dynamic that is deeply fd up, and given the kind of person your sister is, she would have found a reason to fall out with you at some point regardless of how hard you tried to keep her happy.

As someone in the middle of this at the moment, I am finding this thread so helpful and I hope the OP is too. I read this with interest @marfisa My sister ultimately chose to cut me off because after 9 months of her not talking to me (efforts on my part to do so but she just kept saying she was 'busy' and refused to acknowledge that if you're too busy to talk to your sister for 9 months then probably this is a sign of a deeper ill), I suggested that perhaps this year we should not exchange presents on our birthdays as we were effectively estranged. The contact before that 9 months was v. v. minimal for context. She had already sent me a present anyway which was a shame as it made the issue bigger than it needed to be. She appeared furious that I did not send her a present as as I'd not sent her one felt like I should not open hers (she didn't say 'open in even if you don't send me one'). I can see why she might have found this hard but she could not see why I might find exchanging presents hard and still would not pick up the phone to speak. This prompted the insulting emails she is famed for and in the end I said 'actually if you really mean the insults than perhaps it's best for us not to have contact'. I am not the psychopath she paints me to be when she gets insulting but I realised that she may well actually mean what she says as she can't make sense of people not doing what she wants in any way other than this means they are horrid. This is a key disregard and invalidation of everyone else's needs. It's early days and kind of sad but also kind of liberating to realise that she really did have a deep seated hatred of me and that this spilled out everytime she felt I was doing the 'wrong' thing (as judged by herself of course). I am a hugely imperfect human but I am not a psychopath and my friends and other sister know that and take my faults as an expression of my imperfection rather than it meaning that I am cruel, selfish, horrid (things my sister calls me). I realise that she can never be supportive, genuinely loving or pleasant for me to be around whilst she is entrenched in believing that the core of me is corrupt. Hence despite the sadness, I don't miss her drama and nastiness. And yes, therefore, if it hadn't been the present issue, it would have been something else

@Dustysilkflowers

You could have just opened the bloody present. It really didn’t need a special moment to open it.

My mil did this with Xmas presents. Then left them un opened at my bils for weeks. She had forgot as she had soooooo much on her mind.

Take ownership of your own part in this. Your both as bad as each other.

I think you might be missing a couple of things here.

1. the OP did take ownership and did apologise
2. The present came with a letter. The sister has form for saying nasty and hurtful things. The letter could have been lovely or could have been nasty. It is perfectly understandable for the OP to want to open this in a more private manner.

@happytoday73

You don't have the ability to change your twin... Only she does. Writing to her will just give her more ammunition.

BUT
You do have the ability to effect how you react to your twin.... This is what you need to concentrate on for your own wellbeing and future happiness.
The great additional advantage is she is a long way away... Take that advantage... Use it to your advantage.

And I say this with good intentions.. For god sake stop apologising to her.

Do you have any close friends you could discuss this with? Our group of three find it so beneficial to discuss family dynamics between ourselves and you come to realise that all families have issues and usually there is not much you can do about it, other than don't let it fester and cause pain. If not, then counselling would help. FWIW, your twin sounds toxic and very angry. Maybe she regrets being so far away from the rest of her family - but you didn't make her go. She is reading too much into your delayed present opening & subsequent gratitude. She sounds like she is shouting Me! Me! I'm over here! and if you don't respond appropriately, then she feels 'unmissed' and unloved. Try appeasing her if you wish, but it won't help either of you. Just don't let her influence your life so much.

Thank you everyone so much for your comments. I have gone overnight from being incredibly upset and unstable to being a lot calmer and stronger. It is early days, just like a relationship breakup, and I know there will be a lot more sadness, but this post has helped me massively already.

To all those who say I need counselling - I agree and I am going to make a significant effort to do this. I am getting nowhere with the NHS and therefore will look into private. It is a huge amount of money but I think it is critical to my long-term happiness. Those who have sugested reading - I will follow this up. Thank you.

@SparklyOwl I like your approach - I think I will do that and also write a letter but not send it.

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC - I think I go to my mum because I need a hug and sympathy and kindness. I want her to agree with me and help. But I don't get it. Just like I want my sister to change, my parents will not change their approach either. They have asked me to stop getting them involved (yet still get involved at their choosing) so I will do this.

@Nailgirl - yes I can be brought into teenage bahaviour. But I explained why I didn't open it. I have admitted that I could have done it better, but for various reasons, it went this way. It wasn't deliberate and it does not deserve the abuse I got. I didn't have the puppy at the time. Regarding your emial suggestion - I essentially said this but it was not accepted. I continuously suck stuff up but I cannot do it any longer.

@AttilaTheMeerkat and @candycane222 - my parents are incredibly nice people who are always helping others and were very good parents. I had huge freedom and support as a child. They did without many things for our sake and went above and beyond. They did their best with us and I know we were incredibly difficult growing up - competitive, high-spirited and jealous, constantly seeking love and wanting more than the other. I probably did, in part, make them this way - not intentionally. They try to apease both me and my sister - my beef is that I don't think that is right (rarely are two people always 'as bad as each other') but that's how they have had to behave with us in the past. However, I now see some of my parents' current behaviour as wrong. Up to now I have accepted it but now I tell them. For example, my Dad will shout on the phone and I will absolutely not tollerate it. They are surprised and don't get it most of the time, but I will not give up.

@happytoday73 - yes, excellent advice and I feel emopowered. I am going to research this a little more to understand why and how this happens, go lower contact, and undertake counselling and further reading to help me deal with the grief of this. If such behaviour happens again, I will not engage and will walk away if necesssary.

@NiceTwin and @twintotwin - everything you say is very true. Yes, an identical twin relationship is hugely complicated and most people don't get it. Thanks for this validation. I do think I need counselling (not just for this) to make me stronger in myself. It hurts SO MUCH, as how I grew up and developed through childhood was part of a pair. It has taken YEARS for me to be able to function and be at peace with being alone, and having a very close bond with someone is integral to my happiness. I deal with breakups very badly and am very lonely when single, because the bond has been ingrained in me from birth. It's hard for others to understand this! And I know that she is suffering too. She genuinely feels that it is all me.

@Eckhart and @marfisa all of your posts are very helpful and true. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

@saraclara my sister knows exactly what getting a dog means to me and will be acutely aware that her lack of interaction is incredibly upsetting and hurtful for me. It is far, far worse than not opening a present.

@Lightsontbut I'm glad that this is helping you too. Thanks for your input.

@BeepBoopBop I have discussed it with a close friend and it's been really helpful, if to drag me out of being so emotional and enmeshed in it so that I can see the biger picure. I think you have hit the nail on the head with how you describe her!

Sorry if I have not responded to everyone - you've all been so kind.

@falaff - it sounds as if your mum is guilt-tripping you about the relationship between you and your sister because she either dare not try it on your sister, or it doesn’t work on her - and as @honeylulu says, it sounds like a golden child/scapegoat situation too - with you being put in the scapegoat role.

You deserve much better treatment from your sister and from your parents.

If your mum tries to guilt trip you again, could you say something like “mum - I know you don’t want to be put in the middle of this, so, to respect your wishes, I’m not going to discuss this any more. I have done my best to sort this out, and the ball is now in Sister’s court. Anyhow - how’s the garden doing?

You say that you have asked for your parents’ support in the past - maybe it would be better for you if you were to look for that support elsewhere - don’t give your mum the opening to start the guilt tripping again. The Stately Homes threads on here seem to provide a lot of support, and willing, understanding listeners who have experience of similar family dynamics, and might be a better place for you to find the support you need.

If it would help, I am happy to be your sounding board - on here or via pm.

"My parents are incredibly nice people who are always helping others and were very good parents. I had huge freedom and support as a child. They did without many things for our sake and went above and beyond".

They may well have provided for you materially but emotionally they were likely bereft. They have not changed, look at how your mother spoke to you recently. She was guilt tripping you and you keep on falling into those bear traps. Ultimately you will need to walk away from all of them.

Image too is all important to these types and they can often come across as quite plausible to those in the outside world and or want to come across as fully upstanding members of the community. Many people are thus taken in by such appearances. They perhaps made you feel like you owe them for all the stuff they did for you. It was their choice to do that and gifts should come with ribbons not strings. Their love is totally conditional on you "behaving" and "knowing your place" i.e. well behind your sister in their pecking order.

If you're considering therapy I would suggest you look at BACPs website and find a registered therapist. You will need to find someone who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment and one who also fits in with your approach. Your journey to healing from them all will indeed be a long and painful one.

OP can I suggest the idea of "radical acceptance" to you?

Its the idea that one stops wishing others to change, and imagining how wonderful it would be if they did, and returning to them over and over again to explain how they could change, and to give them chances to change...

And instead invests all that energy and time in oneself. To take care of your own emotions and life and partner and interests, and so on. And to actually accept your mum, dad and sister as they currently are. Learning to love them and cope with them with the right distance between you all, without constantly demanding things of them that they've proven they can't give you.

Most people are really terrible at being logical, rational, fair and balanced. Your mum and sister sound so, as does your dad. Let them be that way. They dont belong to you. You can let them go, with love.

Perhaps you need to just accept that what you want ( a close relationship with your sister) is not on the menu.
Also perhaps accept that you will never - no matter how much ‘evidence’ you present to your parents - get their blessing/agreement that it is your sister who is being tricky.
It’s such a seductive path - you think, surely , surely! - if I just tell them how it is they will realise that I am not at fault. This is the classic mistake ( I did it for years) which we scapegoats make.
Perhaps just accept that no matter how hard you try, you will be (at best) held equally culpable or (at worst) the genesis of the problem.
So instead you might just have to let go of the idea that you can be close to your sister, unless or until she shows some awareness and remorse for her behaviour. Grey rock all the way.
The muddy waters are your parents. Perhaps just try to continue that relationship with boundaries - e.g we do not talk about my sister ... this might be welcomed by them depending on the dynamic.
Good luck!

Honestly, I wouldn't invest too much in trying to point things out to your parents either. Glad you're feeling better.

It is a v painful and emotionally exhausting experience to recognise and then decide to extract yourself from an enmeshed family. Imagine that your skins are merged and you literally need to rip them apart.

I agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat - they provided materially but were v neglectful emotionally. That has left you emotionally deficient. Even now they can’t even give you time, empathy or the space to express yourself. They don’t even have to agree - but they are not even able to listen. They just want this all covered up to ease their own personal discomfort - they have no concern for your personal pain or constructively and compassionately facilitating a resolution.

Accept that THEY are unwilling or unable to reflect, change and grow - look into yourself and concentrate on your own recovery.

Honestly once you “see” this and get support to get through the extraction process by LC or NC - your MH and life will be so much more enriched. Put this dysfunctional childhood family dynamic in your rear view mirror and look to your future - gorgeous new home, the joy of a puppy and invest in your DP who sounds like he has the measure of them all. You will have to grieve first - what you thought you knew about your parents and what you know now - what you want and don’t have with them. Step out of their polluted world and into one with radiant, emotionally safe and healthy and fun people.

'Your parents are not flawless.'

Who is?

OP your original post reads to me a little like you are not being entirely honest with yourself regarding the present opening. I think you knew it was special to your sister and you chose to delay opening it.

Only you know if this is true and if so why.