Relationship with twin sister and recent fallout

[falaff]

Hi all,

Sorry this is long.

I have a strained and unhappy relationship with my identical twin sister. We were inseparable until we were 18 and then slipped further and further apart. She now lives in America. We have always argued and it is often petty. I have been trying very hard over the last few years not to fall out but it never seems to work. I feel like it is all very childish and it is mostly her and I can't seem to fix it.

One of the major things that I struggle with is that she will be very unkind, or voice an unwanted/upsetting opinion, and is regularly nasty and is strong with her words, always over messenger/text. If I get upset or take offense she accuses me of being over sensitive and 'wanting to fight' and that she is sick of me.

An example is excitedly showing her the house I had my offer accepted on and had saved up my whole life to buy, and her telling me that I could 'do better' was it was 'beyond her' as to why I would want to live in a tiny terrace. I can't afford a 5 bed house in huge grounds like she can in America and my house is lovely. I was disappointed that she didn't at least pretend to be happy for me and mentioned this to my Mum. She then fell out with me for being oversensitive and trying to cause issues not allowing anyone to have an opinion. The words she used were very cutting.

We have recently fallen out very badly and I am affected to the point where I am having nightmares. She made me a present and sent it from America to my parents, who I do not live with. I didn't have chance to get it for a while because of covid. When I visited I was in a rush and with my partner and said I would open it later. I was told there was a letter that I had to read and I felt awkward opening it with everyone gawping. I also wanted to give it the time it deserved. I got back to my house very late, jumped in my partner's car and then spent the next 2 days in work until 11pm and staying with my partner. I left the present in my car by accident.

On the second night when I was still in work (I told her this and apologised for not opening it) she sent me a long message saying how much I had hurt her and how much time and money she had spent on it. She said that I am the most selfish person she knows and that my feelings are always more important than others. She said that she is 'done with me' and she cannot cope with how self centered I am. She said a lot more and in very harsh words. I apologised again and explained why (I was still in work at this point), but she wouldn't listen. I had a panic attack in my car on the way home.

She has since not spoken to me for over a month. She has ignored the fact that I have got a puppy (a huge thing and she knows this) and has ignored my messages. All this because I was busy and made a mistake. Despite her comments about my selfishness I actually didn't open the present because I was thinking about others - staying for dinner to make my parents happy; driving back for 2 hours because my partner was tired; staying for hours in work to reach a deadline because no-one else would do it. I know I made a mistake and I am very sorry that I upset her, but I was enhausted. I am not the selfish awful person she says I am and it hurts so much to hear these words.

In addition, I find the present difficult because she is so regularly nasty to me. I honestly feel like she didn't really do it for me but for her (she enjoys making things and got a new tool). I don't know how to explain it. My Mum told me about the present when I made a comment that my sister had upset me again, and she said 'if you could only see what she's made you you'd know she really loves you'. I then felt guilt tripped into accepting her hurtful words because of this.

Her words are so cutting and affect me more and more. I just can't cope with how she talks to me and I want to tell her that I won't accept it anymore. It is affecting my mental health and my relationship with my partner and my parents. At the same time I am terrified of saying this to her because we are identical twins and should be the best of friends and I worry I will lose her. I can't do it anymore though.

Please be kind; I know it sounds so childish and small but there is a huge history and a difficult dynamic and I'm finding it very upsetting.

I am sure counselling would help you. I also had difficult times with my sister and it helped me.

You've also got parent trouble.

In my opinion you need to learn to let their comments and attitudes wash over you.

With your mum, close he conversation down 'yes Mum, there's no ill feeling on my part, you know how sister can be, just a storm in a tea cup, we'll be thick as thieves again soon". Less of the high horse, more 'nothing to see here'.

With your sister, learn not to seek or expect her approval or encouragement on anything. Don't be defensive, don't take insult at her put downs or lack of interest. If she strops, let her. Then pretend it didn't happen. Reduce your contact.

You need to care less. We are often socialised to 'be nice' but that works best if it's a two way street. You perhaps can't have the relationship you crave with your sister. Your mother's expectations are unreasonable - stop trying. Relax. Change the dynamic....suit yourself.

@AnneLovesGilbert sorry I didn't fully answer you. It is affecting my relationship with my partner because I have been so upset. He cannot understand our family dynamic and cannot understand why I can't just cut her out or stand up to her and let it wash over me.

It is affecting my relationship with my parents because I speak to them almost daily and have asked them for support. My sister has told them what happened in her words. They do seem to agree with my sister and say that I should understand and accept how hurt she is.

I am personally baffled as to how not opening a present within a set time of receiving it is such a horrendous thing to do, and why that makes me such a selfish person. To me, you give a present for that person, not to blow your own tumpet. It's like she couldn't wait to go 'AHA! This proves you don't love me!' like many of her other actions. It's a bit strange too, as she made a different version for my parents but with my favourite thing on it. It's like someone asking you what your favourite flavour of icecream is, and then buying your parents your favourite flavour and giving you a different one.

It is incredibly fraught, childish and exhausting. I HATE that I am sucked into these things that 12 years olds do, not grown adults. Yet I find myself unable to move away because of the guilt.

I'd love to hear the other side.

@nowishtofly I am extremely close to my parents and have always seen them as faultless wonderful beings. However, from reading this forum and doing some self help, I am starting to realise that my parents cause issues. For example, they comment on how I don't visit, orwhen I do visit, I am either not there long enough, or have things to do (usually things they've asked me!). They live 2 hours away and I work full time and have a really busy life. My mum does not work and my dad works for 3 hours twice a week. Yet it is my fault that we don't spend enough time together - they are always 'too busy'. However, they've been away in the campervan for the past 5 weekends, so it is incredibly hypocritical. Their 'busy' is getting up before 11 and doing a bit of gardening or going to a shop. I went away for one weekend and my Mum made a comment about me having time to go on holiday but not visit them, which really stung.

Sorry, this thread is turning into a proper family vent. I think it is all linked though - we have always been an extremely close family - is was always 'us' against 'them' (poor hippy family living in a Tory village) and now things are different none of us seem to be able to accept that in a healthy way.

@Krampusasbabysitter what do you think it would say? Are you saying that the facts leading up to me not opening this present would be different from another person's point of view? Would I magically have had more time, less tiredness, or less demands?

Just because she is your identical twin and your parents make you feel guilty, doesn’t mean that you have to accept any of this or maintain contact with her. In many ways it sounds like your parents enable her behaviour by guilt tripping you.

I wouldn’t contact your twin again, but tell your parents that you won’t be doing so and that you also don’t want to hear anything from them about it. If your sister then contacts you, it could be the opportunity to have a frank discussion and explain how you are not prepared to be treated or spoken to and for her to either accept and abide by that or else end your relationship.

As brutal as it sounds, to a large extent people treat you as badly as you let them. Don’t let this impact your relationship with your partner and your future. Can you afford private counselling and CBT?

I get what you are saying and the problem I fear comes from a family dynamic set up long ago

Please pay less heed to your mothers criticism and comments she is not doing you any favours and indeed is disappointed in herself for not being able to make her adult children an examplar of perfect family (does that exist except in adverts)

It’s not her role to tell you what to do you are an adult

Give puppy a cuddle and know from me that family relationships are hard And you are doing your best and that is frankly quite enough

Now dogs, they are a different matter you will get the love you deserve right there and perhaps from your partner also who chose you as an individual - and your employer who know they can count on you.

You need counselling.
It sounds like your in the black sheep/martyr role.
It’s up to you to pull yourself out.
I found challenging every single comment really stopped people in their tracks.
It derailed conversations, made people who likes to see me uncomfortable wary of me.
I feel like I reset relationships.
For example of your parents said oh your too busy to see us, I would trot out every weekend they’ve been away, the hours they work, the spare time they have, compared to mine.
Then I would repeat it again and again till they decided they wouldn’t bring it up again.
It was actually great fun.
As for your sister, just because your twins and sisters doesn’t mean you have to like each other. Post the present back and say don’t bother with your shitty emails because I just delete them anyway.
Once these bullies are challenged they back down or back of.
Get your mind out of martyr mode and into militant mode.

I think you need counselling ASAP. Your obsession with your sister is unhealthy and taking over your life. I’m saying this to be kind - you need to get some perspective. I also think there is huge sibling rivalry simmering underneath it all (the clue bring her 5 bedroom house opposed to your terrace etc) i think you are desperate for her approval and it’s not happening. You need to listen to your partner.

This all sounds like a version of The Royal Tenebaums tbh.

Your sister is spoiled, your parents indulge her and recruit you to help manage her. They punish you when you don't pander to her and you run around apologizing to all of them for your own scapegoating. Deeply unpleasant and manipulative.

The present is a non issue and only has meaning insofar as you keep playing into the drama llama tactics of your folks and sister.

You really need to ask yourself why you go to advice to your mum, about your sister?? Surely it is clear to you that your role in the family is to placate your sister? Your mum will keep punishing you until you do the work for her, the way she has trained you. Going to her for support and advice is bizarre. She wants you to hurt.

Regarding the present, next time someone goes into dramatics over something utterly immaterial, you just say sorry and move on with your life and hope the drama queen catches up one day. Honestly op - you need to fill your life up with other things so that you don't get so distracted by utterly inconsequential drama llama fuckery from your sister who lives 1000s of miles away.

"I opened it as soon as I got home from work that night although it was late. I then text her and said how nice it was and she said she wish she hadn't bothered and did more personal attacking. "

"She wouldn't let me visit with my boyfriend."

She sounds like incredibly hard work. You really need to disconnect from her emotionally. I don't get on with my sibling; he's been very abusive and aggressive towards me as adults. When it first started happening I kind of accepted it. Now I have gone very low contact, and don't engage with any abusive texts etc. It's a shame, but you can't reason with some people so there's no point bothering.

OP I wish you luck, on the subject of guilt tripping parents - personally I have similar in my father. A classic is, he never rings me, ever.

When I ring him the first two minutes of any call are him trying the old guilt trip, 'it's been so long, I thought you had fallen out with me, you're too busy for me' etc. Except now, I anticipate it and I laugh it off. I challenge him and say he can call me anytime. I don't feel at all guilty, I see that he is looping old behaviour - he can't help himself, and usually just try to shut it down and move on. It took a long time to get to that and it came with that realisation that he wasn't who I thought he was or how I thought a dad should be. It's sad but I'm not beating myself up any more nor am I angry at him because he's pushing my buttons.

I found transactional analysis theory useful. Google it. In a nutshell you either fall into Parent Adult or Child role in your interactions with people. The aim is to be Adult where you are essentially acting as a grown up and observing how others are behaving on a rational level. Adult to Adult interactions are very healthy. With your sister you should aim for Adult/Child - at the moment you are in Child/Child. You are all reacting to each other with lots of emotion and falling into behaviours that in your case are damaging to you. Stop seeking approval from your sister and mum. Transactional analysis is just one way of looking at things and many won't agree with it but it helped me.

I agree you need counselling and you need to learn to put in some healthy boundaries both with your sister and mother.

I might be VERY pissed off with my twin if I made a present and sent it from America -how many weeks / months did it sit at your parents house? they could of left it outside-it was her birthday too. Your parents would of said to your sister, falaff picked up the present Monday -did she open it? did she like it? asks sister. We don't know -she wouldn't open it she was in a rush? Sister gets cross after a few days she didn't hear from you. Parents agree etc.

You feel like a teenager and I don't know it all but you are in part ACTING like one. Who doesn't open a present when given it? Because they don't want people to look? FFS? that sounds petulant.

No wonder she is pissed off. Added to that you want her to understand that a puppy is hard work with you working until 11pm most evenings? A puppy is a choice. I'm sorry but it is not pregnancy and a child.

I would send an email but just keep it simple -less is more.

"Thank you so much for the beautiful .... and letter you spent the time and trouble to make and send. I'm so sorry I didn't open it at our parents house. Or indeed straight away. That was wrong. I want to know I really appreciate it and would love to catch up soon and see some pictures of you all" -no mention. Let the dust settle. Do NOT copy your parents in etc or involve them. Just leave it.

I have a twin. It is difficult. We are not the same. She would send my birthday present to my parents and not my house, but this was HER wanted to be the "I'm a big successful lawyer look at my flowers sent to my sister who then has to do a 4 hours plus round trip to pick them up rather than interflora them to her house" -but I sucked it up -thank NailGirl Twin -gorgeous flowers. It was a charade but I did it for years. My parents got in the middle sometimes and it was hell for them and me. For example, she insisted on being bridesmaid at my wedding, I said no, she came but was foul. She didn't invite me to hers. Look at times, she gets in touch, at times she moves away my sanctuary is my parents who I will live next door to in a few weeks -but not involving them -I have a close relationship with them.

I think part of your problem is your parents. They have the fixed idea about what a twin relationship should be like, and they're continually guilting you as the present one to "fix" it.

You're speaking to them far too much about it, (possibly speaking to them far too much generally). And they're just laying it on you, not supporting you and feeding into the poor dynamics.

Put some boundaries in with your parents. Don't involve them in your relationship with your sister, don't discuss it with them, don't justify, don't go lamenting to them about her behaviour. Talk about other things, be vague about it if they ask, redirect the conversation, cut visits short if they won't let it go. Stop it being so central.

If they're toxic to you in other ways, consider less contact generally.

"and I feel a huge urge to fix it and do something about it".

That urge will only serve to further destroy you here from the inside out. Its also a role you were given when you were growing up within your dysfunctional family. Stop apologising to your abusive sister for you being you. Its not warranted or infact needed.

And what "WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC " wrote in its entirety.

You will ultimately need to grieve for the relationships you should have had with both your parents and sister here rather than the ones you actually got.

Would you have tolerated this from a friend?. Probably not. Your sister is no different and nor are your parents with their own particular style of guilt tripping you. Toxic people like your sister and mother in particular never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Your parents are responsible for how this dynamic between you two as twins got going in the first place. They are not the nice people you perceive or otherwise want them to be. Its not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way.

Absolutely your parents are not wonderful. Wonderful parents don't order their adult children about, telling them how to relate to other family members, criticse their behaviour, or worst of all , massive ly guilt their children by saying this or that is "breaking their hearts". That is horrifically manipulative. You need ttbuild yourself up to believe in yourself without yheir support, as they really aren't ever going to be able to support you. To support you they would need to see you as a separate person. But they don't. They can only see you as theirs, to direct and control. Nothing about you that is separate from them (like your partner or the puppy for example) really counts, because they are not under their control.

You need to take ownership of your own life. Yhey think they own it, and they have almost brainwashed you into believing it. But you have posted on here because part of you knows this.

Neither your parents or your sister will ever give you ehat you want, because it doesn't suit them. They are fully invested in an alternative reality, one that unfortunately is very very toxic for you. You need to take back your own reality. You'll almost certainly need help, and find it really hard and painful but as you say, its like being bereaved, you have found the family you thought loved you, don't exist.

Lots of great advice on here...
So OP what are you going to do?
What are you going to do differently today?

I'd also suggest that if you are allowed due to covid you meet up with some different friends over the next few weeks.. Even if just for a dog walk... To distract yourself... Don't talk about your family...

While not my twin, but my younger sister, I know precisely this relationship and the so called selfishness when you do something for yourself or don't do what they want though they never would return it (like visit or call), the abusive messages, the assigned role that you and others externally don't recognise as being actually you.

Unfortunately it took me until I had DC to break the cycle. It had to start affecting them before I finally grew that back bone. Sister first, then parents later as they tried to continue. The advice to get counselling for yourself if a very good one, I wish I'd have done that years ago. It gets easier when you realise you won't get the relationships with them that you want, and in my case when I realised they had no actual clue who I am only my assigned role within them that didn't match reality helped me release my fear of their reaction and bolster myself up.

I'm low contact with my parents now but on the rare occasions they start I use the 'your action x caused pain to the DC, we can have a conversation about that if you'd like to ensure DC don't get hurt again'. Shuts them up. They don't like being seen as the bad grandparents they are and they will never apologise. They also don't give a flying flamingo about any pain that I may be in and never have really.

As an identical twin, I can relate to your post. I don't think you need counselling, a twin relationship is very complex and unless you are one I don't think you can ever fully understand.
I fell out with my twin, we didn't speak for 12 years. I maintain it was her doing we fell out, she says it's mine. Saying that, it is never discussed and hasn't been since we are reconciled.

The dynamic of the relationship has changed. We are now just like regular siblings, more like the relationship I have with my older sister.

When we first fell out, I was pretty upset and definitely mourned what we had.

Now we have a much healthier, less competitive friendship.
She is no longer the first person I want to tell news to, we rarely speak but do text.
Like you, we have miles between us, which made the split a lot easier.

My parents are thrilled we are talking again, even though they know we will never be like we were before.

For us, I think the parting has been of benefit to both of us.

DO NOT write a long screed of a letter about how you feel. It will only make things worse. Any communication should be relaxed and positive if you really want this relationship to be better.

When someone lives a continent away, it's far easier to stew on things, read things in a tone other than the one intended, or misinterpret what's been written (or deliberately twist it).

@Nailgirl

Messenger is a terrible way to communicate, sadly. Again, with no tone of voice, no facial expression, no body language, things can be read in a way they weren't intended.

When you read her messages, and one of them upstes, you, try reading it in a different tone of voice, or with the word stresses in a different place. Mt best friend and I have to mostly communicate by messaging, and even we occasionally take the huff mistakenly, because we've read things with the wrong tone.

@Nailgirl's suggestion is perfect. No criticism, real or implied. Just a positive and relaxed note.

I would send an email but just keep it simple -less is more.

"Thank you so much for the beautiful .... and letter you spent the time and trouble to make and send. I'm so sorry I didn't open it at our parents house. Or indeed straight away. That was wrong. I want to know I really appreciate it and would love to catch up soon and see some pictures of you all" -no mention. Let the dust settle.

OP you have work to do. You are very enmeshed in your family, and it’s to your detriment. Your sister is unpleasant, your mum is trying to be an emotional enforcer. You are a grown adult - you don’t need to put up with this crap.

Can you afford counselling maybe? There’s a lot to work through. Attachment theory maybe or compassion based CBT.

I have been through this with my sibling and changing the dynamic feels quite freeing.

Sorry, I don't know why an extra tag for nailgirl appeared randomly. It wasn't relevant to my point below it.

• According to your mum, she (and your father) is your victim, with her 'Why are you doing this to us' attitude. She doesn't pay much heed to how you feel.
• According to your sister, she is your victim, with her entire problematic way of dealing with your relationship. She doesn't pay much heed to how you feel.

But you don't have victims, OP. You're not doing anything to anyone. Which means that even if you were perfect, they would still find a way to make themselves into your victims.

All of this is workable, but, from your perspective, the problem is that you are still expecting support from these people. It's very painful to reach the conclusion that you don't need them (I've done this with my father, so, to some extent, I understand), but it is absolutely necessary. Without this conclusion, you will eternally remain where you are now; the child in a tantrum, screaming 'IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!'

They are persistently invalidating your feelings, and you are allowing them to, and that's where tantrums come from.

What would a really mature, sorted, together person do in your situation? I suspect that's what you are in most areas of your life, which is why your partner can't understand this incongruous response to your family.

Can I just say that I don't understand you taking her lack of interest in your puppy so badly. It wouldn't be a big thing to me either, and I'm probably guilty (in your mind) of the same thing with my own relatives.

So maybe you are a bit over-sensitive?

With regards to her comments about your house, you need to just be more robust (not argumentative or critical - just strong)
"Sis, I'm a single person and this is the UK. I can't afford a mansion like yours. You'd be buying something similar if you were here, and anyway, I love it"

The more you sound hurt and defensive, the more you encourage her.