We're there intentions?

[NC786]

NC for this as I like my usual name and don't want to be recognised. I'll try not to drip feed or waffle.

DH was behaving suspiciously so I checked his messages on the iPad. Never done iy before. He's mentioned a girl at work, "Ava" occasionally but was very strange about her. I scrolled his messagea and saw no Ava. I searched his archive and there it was hundreds of messages to this Ava. No kisses on the messages but I personally find them very flirty and want to know if I'm over reacting. None of the messages are directly about work. I'll list some examples and I would be grateful for honest feedback:-

1. Don't worry about messaging me, I'll never get bored of your messages. You'll probably get annoyed of my messages before I get annoyed at you.
2. Ava reminded him to bring cheese to work. He messaged her saying you're the best. There was a few other messages where he's said things like because you're the best etc.
3. She received a msg off someone who insinuated she was moving depts. She sent this to DH who then said no he's so upset can't loose his sidekick and then msged his boss to make sure it wasn't true.
4. A few days later Ava and this boss pranked him and said Aha was moving depts. Again he said how devastated he was etc.
5. "Paul" at work is annoyed at how much time DH is spending at Avas desk and has told all of the other colleagues that they are flirting, doing no work etc. DH never mentioned this despite saying how annoying Paul is.
6. Having a private joke about my eating habits (I'm fat I've got a baby)
7. Love reacting to each other's comments
8. She's brought him food and snacks into work. He's lied about who provided them.
9. Sending pictures of DD

10. I rang him once, I rarely ring him at work, he lied about what he was doing. I'm msgs to Ava he spoke about leaving their convo you answer the phone. I'd not asked him where he was so there was no reason to randomly lie about where he was.

I was really mad when I found the messages. Told him he was a liar and I don't trust him. If I hadn't found the msgs how far would it have gone etc. He says im over reacting and he'd speak to make colleagues like that. Just looking for independent opinions really.

Please ignore the spelling mistake in the title damn autocorrect

Nope, I would not be happy with this.

Has he ever behaved like this with a male friend? Of course he hasn’t.

Don't worry about messaging me, I'll never get bored of your messages. You'll probably get annoyed of my messages before I get annoyed at you.

Your husband would msg a male colleague this? Sure he would.

don't bury you're head in the sand there is definitely something going on - sorry

Making jokes about you and what you eat?? That's almost the worst of them all. I would be furious.

Appalling.
He is utterly on the prowl.
He's making a show of himself in work.

He's mocking you.

OP, he's an absolute pig.

I'm so sorry.

You deserve better.

@muckandnettles yeah. Basically I'd opened for example some Pringles. He's come in from work (I'm in bed) and finished them. The next day I'd messaged him just messing oh I see you ate my Pringles laughing face and he screenshot my message without the laughing face and sent it to her. Pringles were on next week's shopping list and he'd sent that to her and said 'I wonder if any of these are mine'. Tbh if wr ever share a tub he always eats the majority so I don't know where it's come from. But day to day my diet is probably worse because I have the baby literally all day and night because of his shifts.

I'm too embarrassed to tell my family yet so I guess I just need to know I'm not over reacting.

Oh and finally, as soon as he left the room yesterday he replied to her message, after us just arguing about them messaging. That message was genuinely the first one actually about work.

So sorry OP. He’s clearly on the prowl. What a horrible little shit.

He's being inappropriate at the very least. They both know they're crossing boundaries and he's happily flirting in front of all their colleagues. No respect for you and he's hiding this from you.

I wouldn't trust him again. He's a liar and he's making a fool of you in public. If they're not already shagging, he's just waiting for it.

The “joke” about you would be enough for me. Tell him to get stuffed. I would lose it on that alone.
Make sure you make everyone aware that you found his hidden messages and that he was being rude about you to a female colleague and the the other messages were inappropriate. Ask him if he archived messages from his male colleagues? You already know the answer ...
What a dick. Big hug.

I don't think you're overreacting. I would feel humiliated by those messages; especially about the pringles. He sounds very manipulative.

Just wrote a long reply and lost it 😭
I am so angry for you! How dare he mock you to some woman at work and then message her after you’d found it!!
He’s showing you zero respect !!
How’s it being left?

I would not be happy, especially at having my eating habits mocked, or him lying about stuff.

Yes that's not ok. If he is like that with everyone (devastated that his colleague John is leaving, messaging Mike to say he will never be bored of hearing from him and he is the best etc) then I guess you wouldn't have asked the question.

But laughing about you behind your back especially about something so personal as eating habits, and exaggerating situations to make you look worse than you are...that's just really low, and humiliating. If someone I knew at work was showing me texts from his wife and laughing about her food etc I'd think he was a complete knob trying to put her down to make him look good.

Also...his reaction stinks. Complete denial shows he doesn't want to stop

Oh OP, you are absolutely NOT over-reacting. My heart goes out to you X. Turn to us for support getting through this won't you. Sorry to be blunt, but, he's definitely after having sex with her. You don't know anyone that works with them do you? X

You’re not over reacting.

I wouldn’t necessarily say the messages had fully crossed the line yet. However they are clearly o. The way to get over friendly and inappropriate and the fact he’s lying/hiding messages clearly shows they aren’t that innocent.

I can well imagine this is how many affairs start. With 2 people kidding themselves that they’re just joking and being friendly...until one day, after lots of incremental steps towards the line, they cross it.

I wouldn't be happy with this either. He hid the messages. Took the piss out of you and he's acting like he can't be without her.

I've been in a situation where my boyfriend was messaging another women and deleting things. Mentioning random things to me. She text him once to say she had dreamt about him. Loads of things.

We broke up eventually because it consumes you in the end. You loose your confidence. You shouldn't be made to feel not good enough for him.

We are all human and I'll always say it's normal to find other people sexy, funny, attractive. It's normal to get crushes and it's normal to go through stages when you perhaps have feelings for someone else. But it's not ok to act on it. It's not ok to lie. Its about self control and what you actually want.

I don't know what to say other than don't settle for less than you deserve. He can't continue this without damaging your relationship. So have strong words with him and good luck x

Wow has it kicked off. I found some messages to his brother. Basically yesterday I said to him that I know he's warned her I know about the messages becayse she suddenly stopped replying half way through a conversation. He denied it. I just found messages to his brother where he confirmed he's spoken to Ava and warned her I know. I had access to his Facebook messages so he's contracted her on something other than Facebook and lied to me about it. He's admitted to his brother some of the messages were flirty. I don't think they've shagged but he was deffinately getting too close and who knows how far it would have gone off I didn't get suspicious. What now? Forever be paranoid? Divorce him? How is this my life when just 3 days ago I was in my happy bubble with my husband and baby girl 😭

Oh OP, sorry you're going through this. Why on earth is he telling his family what he's been up to?
He does sound so untrustworthy. Can you ask him to leave for a few days while you have a think?
He doesn't sound very bright as he's clearly hopeless at covering his tracks!
Can you talk to family or a close friend in real life?
Hope you're ok.

I would honestly ask him to leave to give you space, he has massively crossed the line.

I've asked him to leave but he won't. I asked him yesterday and today. Our bedroom door locks from the inside so when he went to the toilet I locked him out and me and DD in. I've told my mum, he came rouns but I couldn't go to see her because DD was awake and crying but STBXH went out. He admitted he was maybe a bit flirty and too far. Its crazy because before I saw these messages he was crying and begging me to forgive him all whilst he knew he was lying. I've asked my mum to print the D8 so I can start the divorce proceedings.

What was the brother saying to him?

Do you get on with his brother.

Seems bad that he's telling his family.

These situations are awful. I didn't have kids with my ex. But I was just relieved to get out. All I no is it's no fun being paranoid and wondering if you are enough.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. But well done for being strong and knowing your worth

Good for you! You deserve so much better than this cheating creep. Stay brave and don't accept any more lies or disrespect. He's shown you who he is.

Bet you anything she won't want him single! Women like this just enjoy the ego boost of getting attention from a married man because they feel they're getting one over the wife.

Personally I'd send her a nice message telling her I was donating him to her since she's so desperate and thanking her for showing what a loser he is.

OP,
I'm so sorry.
Thank goodness your mum is with you.
The flirtation is bad enough but the mocking you is shocking.

You protect yourself.
He doesn't deserve you.

Believe me, he has made a show of himself in work.

Don't waste your life on
a waster like him.