We're there intentions?

[NC786]

NC for this as I like my usual name and don't want to be recognised. I'll try not to drip feed or waffle.

DH was behaving suspiciously so I checked his messages on the iPad. Never done iy before. He's mentioned a girl at work, "Ava" occasionally but was very strange about her. I scrolled his messagea and saw no Ava. I searched his archive and there it was hundreds of messages to this Ava. No kisses on the messages but I personally find them very flirty and want to know if I'm over reacting. None of the messages are directly about work. I'll list some examples and I would be grateful for honest feedback:-

1. Don't worry about messaging me, I'll never get bored of your messages. You'll probably get annoyed of my messages before I get annoyed at you.
2. Ava reminded him to bring cheese to work. He messaged her saying you're the best. There was a few other messages where he's said things like because you're the best etc.
3. She received a msg off someone who insinuated she was moving depts. She sent this to DH who then said no he's so upset can't loose his sidekick and then msged his boss to make sure it wasn't true.
4. A few days later Ava and this boss pranked him and said Aha was moving depts. Again he said how devastated he was etc.
5. "Paul" at work is annoyed at how much time DH is spending at Avas desk and has told all of the other colleagues that they are flirting, doing no work etc. DH never mentioned this despite saying how annoying Paul is.
6. Having a private joke about my eating habits (I'm fat I've got a baby)
7. Love reacting to each other's comments
8. She's brought him food and snacks into work. He's lied about who provided them.
9. Sending pictures of DD

10. I rang him once, I rarely ring him at work, he lied about what he was doing. I'm msgs to Ava he spoke about leaving their convo you answer the phone. I'd not asked him where he was so there was no reason to randomly lie about where he was.

I was really mad when I found the messages. Told him he was a liar and I don't trust him. If I hadn't found the msgs how far would it have gone etc. He says im over reacting and he'd speak to make colleagues like that. Just looking for independent opinions really.

I would definitely divorce him.
He has no respect for you to do that, bad enough to have an inappropriate relationship with someone else but to mock you to her and not hide it from everyone in work and even message the boss to make sure they're not split up. That's horrible.

And if he does manage to convince you that they were just messages and it wasn't physical...please remember that if it wasn't physical that's only because they got found out before it happened, he still would have been getting all the feelings you get from flirting or talking to someone you like, butterflies, excitement, all the smiles and fantasies etc...and in my eyes that is cheating 100%!

I'd say a lot of people at work think he's a complete idiot and they'll probably think you're amazing if they find out you're divorcing him!

You deserve so much better than him!

I would wait till he leaves then get someone to change the locks.
Do you own the house?
Time to get practical OP and protect yourself and your daughter

“Having a private joke about my eating habits”

That’s dealbreaker material right there. The other stuff is just the cherry on top.

@Mamadothe

I would wait till he leaves then get someone to change the locks. Do you own the house? Time to get practical OP and protect yourself and your daughter

This tired, and frankly illegal, 'advice' should be against MN guidelines. No OP cannot just change the locks. I noticed your 'advice' stated to change the locks before asking OP who owns it.

You can't trust him OP. He's proven that he is happy to lie to you and that continuing to message her is more important to him.

You can’t just change the locks
That’s mad advice

He's no friend of yours GET RID.

I'm so sorry nothing worse than a disloyal bastard.

Sending hugs x

This is terrible, OP. Your lying H has been pursuing and prioritizing Ava, and it sounds like they are in EA territory. Their laughing at you—his wife and his child’s mother—is absolutely despicable. He truly lacks integrity, and I would not be raising my daughter in the home with him.

Don’t fall for his manipulations. You know what he is capable of, and you and DD deserve much, much better.

Thanks for the support and confirming what I already knew. I've completed the D8 and I'll be posting it later today. I've managed to lock myself out of the joint account and he won't transfer me the £550 needed for the application so I've completed the EX160. I inky have a cheque book for my account. This should show him how serious I am and hopefully he'll move out. RE the locks, the lock is actually broke and does need changing which he knows so they will be getting changed so I can leave the house and lock the door. I'll then need to get some keys copied before I can give him one but hopefully by then he'll be at his mum's and won't care. Here's hoping anyway. I still car believe this is my life and I have no idea what to do now. I'm on maternity leave and only getting stat maternity pay. I was supposed to be off for a year but that will have to change because I'll have no income for the last 3 months. Gutted that this is taking time away from my baby.

Can I just say how amazing you are.
The personal joke about you made me gasp. That’s completely disgusting. I wish I could be as strong as you. You’ve taken the first step which is the hardest - you’ve got the rest!!! It’s awful when your reality is shattered and the man you thought you were married to shows himself for who he is. It’s horrible. You sound like you’re handling it really well!! 💖

OP you are doing the right thing for you and your child.. 🌺

This is the time to rely on family and friends.

He was halfway out the door anyway OP so keep that thought as you power through.

Good luck op

You are doing really well op, you are a strong and resourceful woman.

I'm not doing well, I'm a total mess, any chance I get I'm crying my eyes out. But I also know my worth and know it's not fair on DD to listen to her parents argue. I know that I'll never trust him again fully and I just can't live a miserable life of no trust.

Acting in a strong and decisive way while your heart is breaking is the very definition of strong.

It wouldn’t be so tough if you didn’t care. But he’s taken your love and trust and thrown it back in your face. Of course you are devastated.

If he had any respect for you he wouldn't be making jokes about you eating.. He clearly enjoys the attention.. Whether or not they've done anything is irrelevant because he would contemplate it.. That would be enough for me. His bags would be packed.

Just read your updates. Well done OP. You deserve infinitely better xx

You're a very strong, decisive, brave person. This is very difficult for you but you're pushing through and as terrible as everything seems now, you will come through the other end.

The nightmare you're going through now is temporary, you'll get to the other side and be glad you did. You know your worth, you know you're better than this and you are.

I really admire your decisiveness and strength.

[quote NC786]@muckandnettles yeah. Basically I'd opened for example some Pringles. He's come in from work (I'm in bed) and finished them. The next day I'd messaged him just messing oh I see you ate my Pringles laughing face and he screenshot my message without the laughing face and sent it to her. Pringles were on next week's shopping list and he'd sent that to her and said 'I wonder if any of these are mine'. Tbh if wr ever share a tub he always eats the majority so I don't know where it's come from. But day to day my diet is probably worse because I have the baby literally all day and night because of his shifts.

I'm too embarrassed to tell my family yet so I guess I just need to know I'm not over reacting.

Oh and finally, as soon as he left the room yesterday he replied to her message, after us just arguing about them messaging. That message was genuinely the first one actually about work.[/quote]
How dare he take an innocent remark of yours (re the Pringles) and turn it into something entirely different. This is pure manipulation so that the other woman will think he is hard-done-by as it paints you in a negative light.
I really feel for you, OP. This must have come as a shock when you realise the person you thought would have your back at all costs is actually someone worse than a mere acquaintance.
Remember, it is not about you. It is about his lack of self-esteem and his need for attention.
I despise men like this. I have experienced similar, with an innocent remark being twisted beyond belief. Experiences like this can make you hardened. Whilst this is no bad thing, I hope you can still retain parts of your old self which believe that most people are intrinsically good.

it takes a stronger woman to leave than to stay be real proud of yourself

How are you doing OP?

Not great. He left last night. It hurts knowing that he's gong to be spending all day at work with her. I've still not told the rest of my family because I'm too humiliated but i have my mum. Does anyone know if we'll be allowed to form bubbles over lockdown? It just feels so hard to believe that this is it now. We'll never be together again and yet we had some many plans. A year ago we had our first scan for our baby girl and I never could have imagined then that this would be my life. A single mum about to enter lockdown alone. Just feeling really sorry for myself.

You don't realise it though NC786 but you are doing yourself and your DD an immense favour. You can't ever get the respect back and you would always be wondering what he's up to. The fact that his behavious is so overt others are noticing and he doesn't seem to care is pretty shocking. Keep strong, keep going.

You've nothing to be embarrassed about. Those two are the only ones who need to feel ashamed. I'd make sure everybody knows before he tries to turn it on you.

As awful as everything is now, you'll get through it. You'll look back on this and be glad you got rid of him.

I just feel like maybe if I was prettier our skinnier then he wouldn't have done it. I've never been skinny skinny but I do still have my baby weight so I'm bigger than I used to be.