Loneliness because of Covid and living by yourself

[sugarlost]

Hi,
I’m wondering if many people are questioning their life choices. Prior to Covid I had a great social life . But I’ve realised despite having a number of friends who most have families of their own...I feel abandoned. Looking at my diary I have no idea when I will see a friend again. I’m fed up of asking to meet and I thought friends would make an effort to even meet for walk or coffee( I under people are cautious but I’m feeling so lonely now)...some don’t live that far and I’m happy to travel. It’s just made me realise that I’m starting to feel resentful which is bad. The video calls have stopped too but tbh I prefer real life meet.

Anyone else feel the same way? It just feels so unfair as I’m not even meeting my family(they are older) which I hope to do soon.

I just feel like no one cares and they are all in their family bubbles.
I just had to let it out...I know I’ll probably get YABU and it’s hard for everyone but not to see anyone you know for weeks....

YANBU OP. I’m 58 with no family but perhaps because I’m introverted, have always had a social life that consists of one to one meet ups in the main.
I only have about 3 local friends who I see fairly regularly plus others who live along way away I speak to every week on the phone.
I think your friends have been quite thoughtless - I was in a similar situation a few years ago but have made a big effort to make new friends. Provided one has consuming interests - I’m involved in politics and animal charities - this can be done.

I live alone too, by choice though. I think I've come to terms with it and indeed relish my home and time alone.

Yes people are consumed by family and immediate circle which is again normal. The key, for me was to always have other things outside the social circle.

Theres lots that can be done online etc.

I appreciate this is not helpful as loneliness is a very deep feeling.

I'm sorry you're struggling OP. I agree that your friends sound rather thoughtless. I've counted my lucky stars 100 times this year that it didn't happen a year earlier when I was single and lived alone as I don't know how I'd have managed. Because of that I've tried to be mindful of the friends who are in that situation and keep in touch with them regularly. One is worried that she won't be able to go abroad to family for Christmas so has an unconditional invitation to join us instead.

Have you been open with your friends about how you're feeling? x

YANBU OP. I appreciate that it's hard. But the grass isn't always greener.

I have been mentally and emotionally exhausted following lockdown. I was still working throughout from home. Had the kids home all day everyday, DH home more because he was on reduced hours. I'm someone who needs some time to myself to decompress. As soon as I turned the laptop off at 5pm, I had my kids on me, as soon as they went to bed, my phone lit up with everyone suddenly wanting to talk to me. I probably sound awful, but there have been so many times during lockdown, I was desperate to be left alone. I've tried not to complain, because I know people reaching out to me are lonely. But it's been hard for me too.

I’m sorry - it’s rubbish. I was speaking to a single friend of ours today and she was saying exactly the same thing - she is lonely and struggling. I have nothing to offer in the way of advice but just to know you are not alone. The situation is horrible.

Thanks for your responses.

I’m lucky I normally enjoy my own company and initially I found it really hard with the restrictions and then I was ok and now I’m struggling again. I appreciate I’m not overwhelmed by family life or in an abusive relationship but This is the worst I’ve felt in a long time. I don’t actually want to speak to certain friends about it as I’m just too disappointed...it’s really opened my eyes tbh.

I'm 58 too I work all hours in the NHS and nobody wants to see me right now because everyone thinks I might give them covid from work.
i have my lovely cat but I moved here to be near all my friends and the things I like to do and I've not seen anyone in months. I think I'm actually going mad.

@madcatladyforever sorry to hear that. You must be exhausted and working for the NHS too. I'm glad you have a lovely cat to help. Try and treat yourself if you don't already... you deserve it.

I actually think I'm going a bit mad too...

Same, OP. In times like these I think people show you how much they truly value you, and I'm s

TBH, I couldn’t have coped without my dogs. People can be thoughtless but the love of your dogs/pets means the world.

I know exactly how you feel. I work in a school so am probably quite high risk and I haven’t seem most of my friends since August. Some since March. It has really made me realise that we don’t have the friendships I thought we did and that when it comes down to it I am utterly alone. I haven’t felt low like this before, it’s hard.

Same and same age.
Thinking about getting a dog or cat.

Chatting online is nice but it would be nice to have someone to have a coffee with or take a day trip once in awhile.

I know how you feel op. It is rubbish.
I think the whole situation has shown people's true colours and I've really pulled back from a "friendship" circle as they were unsupportive and had no understanding of my situation despite me reaching out a few times and getting nothing.
On the flip side, I was very lucky to bump into a lady I used to vaguely know from an hobby we shared and she and I go walking every few weeks.
Could you meet up for walks with anyone you dont yet know v well. A neighbour perhaps?

I have my kids 60% of the time. I am very lucky indeed because I have managed to traverse the line between 'all on' and 'all alone'. I know of plenty of women who haven't had a moment to themselves for months now and I think that generates other issues. I have noticed the video calls dropping off in private life and the frankly now awkward social video meets at work that no one wants to be at. I think that a lot more people are going to be in your position soon. This pandemic has turned another corner in how society feels generally. I do agree that some friends haven't made the grade out of all of this, others have been reduced contact but made it obvious that I was still in their thoughts. What about a pet? A new outdoor hobby and see if you can find something chatty online? I have started writing to elderly relatives a lot more too now.

YANBU

YANBU. I would feel desperately lonely in your position. I am overwhelmed by work and DC, which means I have less in the tank for social interaction (I felt like this before lockdown). I am guilty of assuming that other people have already established their groups or are busy with work and I don’t reach out to them. I have started regular walks with a friend who lives alone which has been lovely for both of us.

Thanks again for your responses.

I'm think of taking medication for depression ... I've managed a long time without it but not sure how much longer I can take.

I have no neighbours I can go out with but I have a friend who lives quite far who I will ask. I hardly see her now but prior to Covid she was a regular meet up friend who is single...this is the only friend I will bother to ask and she is lovely, she has mental health needs too.

I can't get a pet and I will hopefully start walking, going to coffee, lunch by myself although I find it a bit sad when I see couples, family's so that's part of the reason I stopped going out by myself following Covid... that and the restrictions.

Family member my age not bothered about going out which is disappointing.

Pleased to hear some of you have found someone to go out with and hobbies

It's true that it's really made it clear that I don't have the level of friendships that I thought.
To those of you who are also struggling.

Coming online here also keeps me occupied.

I think it could be worse for me and I'm fortunate in many ways but emotionally I never thought it would get this bad. I always felt fortunate to have my friends and I can't believe how I feel they have contributed to such a sense of loss that I feel but this is Life and it's not good to be too reliant on people.

When I felt really lonely a few years ago I got a very part time voluntary job in a charity shop. It helped me so much.

No shame in meds though.. try a bit of both ?

I am married but much prefer spending time with my friends we are all making the effort to meet up and I am especially aware of single friends.
I also agree about volunteering, I have a volunteering role that I could continue throughout strict lockdown and it really gave me a reason to get out and mix with my friends.

It's rubbish OP and the impact on our mental health is huge.

I'm also single and lonely. I have an 8 year old child though so it's not as bad as if I was completely alone. When my child goes to her father's every other weekend, I don't speak to anyone from Friday until Sunday when she returns. Even if I drag myself out shopping or for a coffee on my own, it's just a case of saying my order and saying thank you to the staff that serve me so no conversation there anymore.

Pre-covid, I worked in an office so I was chatting away to colleagues all day having a great time and then at weekends, I'd either relax on my own or meet up with a friend. Sometimes I would go out for a few drinks with some people I'd only see on nights out. I didn't realise how isolated I am until coronavirus hit.

Now, I'm permanently working from home and all my friends are in support bubbles with family or partners. I don't see anyone at all because they're all focused on family and partners which is fair enough.

I'm in tier 3, before tier 3, we weren't allowed to see anyone indoors or outdoors. Anyway, we're now in tier 3 so I met one friend for a socially distanced walk in the rain last weekend. Pretty miserable but it was really nice to finally see someone.

It's made me realise that I need to prioritise finding a man. It's great having friends until a global pandemic hits and they all disappear off the face of the earth. I want to be someone's priority.

This might be useful to you or it might not - if it's just ignore me! xx

Pre Covid I went through a period of extreme isolation. It went on for many years. I was trapped in my home caring alone for my husband who was severely disabled and I couldn't get any help so I physically could not leave. It was rather like being trapped under an invisible rock - totally immovable but at the same time, ignored. Lockdown for one. People I knew tried to help a bit, chipped an inch here or there, but the rock was too big for any of that to help. The thing that really sent me mad, I think, was the slow realisation that nobody was coming to save me. And nobody is coming.

You are on your own. Everyone is totally alone, in reality. It sounds bleak. It WAS bleak. But facing that and accepting it, for me, was the beginning of my liberation. I expect nothing from other people and receive everything as a gift. I seriously have no expectations. It's a huge freedom and has filled my life with surprise and joy. The crucible of that experience forged this new one, and in the end I am grateful for it. It's possible that this time can be both terrible (which it is, let's not pretend it isn't awful being locked up alone away from everyone - it's how we punish people the world over) and also, in the end, valuable.

I also find it depressing that my normal little interactions with people in shops, and so on is made impossible by the masks and rules. I’m quite chatty when out abd about normally and even that helps if I’m feeling down.

Yes, it's as though everything has been taken away. Even the small coping strategies that make life a little brighter are now near impossible - a coffee with a friend, a quick chat with the lady behind the counter in M&S, an exercise class, etc. I've tried getting back into exercise classes but because they have to restrict numbers, they're always fully booked.

How old are you OP? I feel the same. It’s horrible. I try not to think about it and that works ish. But the other week I went away for a night with a friend and felt so much better afterwards that it actually scared me...how much must I have been repressing feelings of sadness and loneliness to have forgotten what it was like to actually be sociable and enjoy life. It makes me sad to even think about.

I think what is particularly hard is that nothing is really wrong...food, job, friends etc. It’s just horrendous living in a silent house. I haven’t seen anyone now for 5 days. I have no plans. Nobody to talk to after work. Nobody to share dinner with.

It might sound dramatic but I feel those in their thirties alone are the forgotten group. It’s always worry for the elderly and those juggling kids and work. We are not even featured, supposed to just get on with it. Sorry, no advice but it is shit. Even going for walks is depressing as fuck at the moment in the rain and dark.

I'm in the same horrible situation: wfh, friends live far away and/or are absorbed by their families with covid-infections, no family myself.
In normal times I was always on the go, fitness, meeting friends, going to museums, concerts, travelling,... I felt like the sky was the limit.
Now: NOTHING.
I'm 52 and can't imagine we will be stuck like this until maybe march...