Loneliness because of Covid and living by yourself

[sugarlost]

Hi,
I’m wondering if many people are questioning their life choices. Prior to Covid I had a great social life . But I’ve realised despite having a number of friends who most have families of their own...I feel abandoned. Looking at my diary I have no idea when I will see a friend again. I’m fed up of asking to meet and I thought friends would make an effort to even meet for walk or coffee( I under people are cautious but I’m feeling so lonely now)...some don’t live that far and I’m happy to travel. It’s just made me realise that I’m starting to feel resentful which is bad. The video calls have stopped too but tbh I prefer real life meet.

Anyone else feel the same way? It just feels so unfair as I’m not even meeting my family(they are older) which I hope to do soon.

I just feel like no one cares and they are all in their family bubbles.
I just had to let it out...I know I’ll probably get YABU and it’s hard for everyone but not to see anyone you know for weeks....

OP I understand how you feel. I live on my own and my partner is in my support bubble. I'm a teacher so can go to work and have some sense of normality. Unfortunately my DP has to work most weekends so it can get very lonely.
It's been difficult for many people, don't let anyone invalidate your feelings.

I understand OP. I live alone (with ds part time) and thought I had a lot of friends. I made a huge effort through lockdown and the summer but it was always me making the effort. Now I've stopped making that effort and feel as if nobody would notice if I wasn't around.
I think people in families just don't realise that being alone can be difficult.

You are not alone OP, I can really relate to everything you’ve said.
I’ve lived on my own for years and until recently have always been happy in my own company, never get bored, but this pandemic has changed the dynamic completely and I’ve really struggled with feeling lonely.

I can also relate to what you said about seeing families and couples when out and about and it reinforcing the fact that you’re alone. I felt this when I went for a walk in the park at the weekend and noticed so many couples and families. I just try to focus on the single dog walkers, runners, people alone like me and make a real effort to smile and say a socially distanced hello.

I too am feeling a bit disappointed that a few close friends have not bothered to check in and see how I’m doing. I try to tell myself they’re all just caught up in their own lives and problems and busy with family and it doesn’t mean they don’t care, but I must admit in my lonelier moments, I find myself questioning whether they really like me and if there is something wrong with me.

Virtual chats with people kept me going during the first lockdown, I used to have regular weekly calls with one particular group of friends and it really helped, but they’ve all dwindled out now as time has gone on. There was also a lot more contact with neighbours the first time around, we were much luckier with the weather then and I was lucky to be able to chat with neighbours here and there to get some kind of social interaction, but this time of year it’s very different.

I find it doesn’t help that there is no real end in site, there is so much uncertainty about the future, all the kind of things we could usually suggest/plan such as volunteering, taking on new hobbies are all so much harder now and of course the weather doesn’t help.

I keep telling myself I am safe, warm and well and it’s a great time of year to hibernate indoors, that I have much to be thankful for and most of the time I believe it, but it doesn’t stop the feelings of loneliness and sadness creeping in.

Maybe we could have a lonely in lockdown thread here, where we can pop in and chat and support each other?

Great idea about a lonely in lockdown thread, it could even evolve into local facebook groups.

I feel the same OP. During proper lockdown I almost started going a bit crazy, feeling like I was the only person in the world, not in a very depressing way but like I was losing my grasp on reality.

Like a pp, I’m going to prioritise looking for a partner (scary though)

I’ve had exactly the same experience with friends who are in relationships going quiet (not all but lots of them).

I think you have to have been in this situation to really get it. If any of my friends become single and are lonely, I’ll commit to reaching out to them. I know what a difference it makes.

Please, please find out about volunteering opportunities wherever you live, there must be something. I work with volunteers- I met a lovely new bunch of people today, they all said how much they valued volunteering, it gave them a sense of purpose, people to talk to, something to focus on. I wasn't able to work during the first strict lockdown but I continued my volunteering (at a Food Bank) and it was the highlight of my week ... and I was able to help out in extra ways apart from my usual shift (as it came under 'helping the vulnerable' it was a genuine reason to get out).

I have thought about volunteering And may look into it again but there are factors which may mean it'd not an option. Im in my 40's.

Someone mentioned about prioritising finding a partner and I think this will be true for many people but it's finding the right partner too. TBH I can't believe I'm in this situation... the disappointment in friends is heartbreaking but at the same time I realise I'm not a priority to them and this is Life in Covid times sadly.

Someone mentioned about eating meals by yourself... dinnertime at the dining table now that it is darker feels really sad now in a quiet house... I'll have to eat my meals on the sofa again and background noise as doesn't feel so bad. It's the little that can affect you...

I sometimes think of my friends at home, sending pictures of their children whose family life is good and I think you have no idea....to spend days not seeing anyone you know and feeling abandoned. I feel like a fake as I don't really see the point of communication every few months especially after this life lesson..

Someone mentioned about going for walks in the dark and rain and I agree by yourself it's not really something to look forward to but it's good to get out and I will force myself sometimes as I fell better getting fresh air.

Hearing about my friends having their annual holidays with their families too and day trips.... it's hard. Good they have each other but I do feel shit for feeling this way about life and how it's impacted my feelings towards my friends when in reality it's not their fault as there have no obligation to me and I will never be part of their family.

I agree with someone who said it's best to have no expectation and face that I'm by myself. Maybe this will make me stronger going forward.. looking to adapt my life in a positive way without being so reliant on friends.

@sugarlost I don’t know what the factors are, but where i volunteered they tried really hard to make it inclusive and flexible so that if made it easy. It was at a very low point in my life, and even that one morning a week seeing people (and even doing a coffee run!) made life so much better.

I find the only way to keep sane is to get out of the house as much as possible.

I'm wfh and if I spend the day inside start to feel really cooped up. Luckily I can be quite flexible with my hours and as long as the work is done I can do it whenever.

So I've been getting up at 5, doing a few hours of work, then going out for long bike rides and runs before coming back to work again when it's dark.

I also eat my meals in front of the tv as it feels less lonely.

I think it's a lovely idea about a support thread and if people want to take that to local Facebook groups etc.

It feels like we have been forgotten..the government mention support bubble regarding single people but the reality is that many of us don't have a bubble we see regularly... I'm talking weeks.

Someone mentioned the mental health affects going forward and yes this will affect many of us for years to come... many of us were already struggling before Covid so this on top...I guess we have to try any positive coping mechanisms and access support if we can

@WouldBeGood glad volunteering was effective for you

@garlictwist I see that it's finding a routine that works for you that can help.

I definitely need to make changes to my life...even if they are small positive changes they can help.

Solidarity, OP. I'm in the same position.

@madcatladyforever, hang in there, sister.

@Vello

This might be useful to you or it might not - if it's just ignore me! xx

Pre Covid I went through a period of extreme isolation. It went on for many years. I was trapped in my home caring alone for my husband who was severely disabled and I couldn't get any help so I physically could not leave. It was rather like being trapped under an invisible rock - totally immovable but at the same time, ignored. Lockdown for one. People I knew tried to help a bit, chipped an inch here or there, but the rock was too big for any of that to help. The thing that really sent me mad, I think, was the slow realisation that nobody was coming to save me. And nobody is coming.

You are on your own. Everyone is totally alone, in reality. It sounds bleak. It WAS bleak. But facing that and accepting it, for me, was the beginning of my liberation. I expect nothing from other people and receive everything as a gift. I seriously have no expectations. It's a huge freedom and has filled my life with surprise and joy. The crucible of that experience forged this new one, and in the end I am grateful for it. It's possible that this time can be both terrible (which it is, let's not pretend it isn't awful being locked up alone away from everyone - it's how we punish people the world over) and also, in the end, valuable.

I find this profoundly moving. There is help out there. Have you tried support groups for Carers? Where I live there are lots of support groups and several organisations to help carers in various ways. Your life sounds incredibly hard, but I understand what you’re saying about acceptance , and a lack of expectation of others.

Why would volunteering in your 40s be hard? The vast majority of volunteers in our local Food Bank are well over 60. In my paid job I have volunteers aged over 80 - and young school students from age 14.

Please do look into it, I have found volunteering so rewarding, I know it's not for everyone but I have volunteered throughout my life and as I moved around a lot - Uni, work etc - a year abroad - I have always found volunteering opportunities and met so many interesting people along the way. Yes, some might not become 'best friends' but I have met lots of different people and many have become good friends. Only last week I got a lovely phone call out if the blue from someone I met over 30 years ago.

@Runningdownthathill I'm no longer in that situation. Not to worry! But the experience is still part of me.

[quote Vello]@Runningdownthathill I'm no longer in that situation. Not to worry! But the experience is still part of me.[/quote]
So glad to hear your situation has changed. I can understand how the experience has shaped your outlook.

@madcatladyforever

I'm 58 too I work all hours in the NHS and nobody wants to see me right now because everyone thinks I might give them covid from work. i have my lovely cat but I moved here to be near all my friends and the things I like to do and I've not seen anyone in months. I think I'm actually going mad.

That sounds incredibly tough . Do your friends know how you feel? It may be that they don’t realise. I think it’s important to tell people you are feeling isolated so that they make an effort. Often when friends don’t make it clear they feel low, we assume they are coping.

I’m sort of in this situation, I live with my older DD so I’m luckier than most but she’s at work or her bf’s for a good chunk of the week and I’m hating those days more and more - coming home to a dark empty house is so depressing and working here all day on my own isn’t much better. Because she’s older I’m not ‘allowed’ a support bubble although tbh if there was anyone who’d have me I’d do it anyway, this has been the hardest and loneliest time of my life, like everyone I just wish it was over but can’t see any sign of that 🙁

@RockStarMartini a friend found it really helpful when bereaved to put lamps on a timer so she didn’t come in to a dark house.

I think everyone is struggling now whether they have a bubble or not and perhaps that is why the Zoom calls have stopped. I do understand that its harder for you. But if you live alone you can bubble up with another household. Is that an option?

Come and join us on the hermit thread in Relationships!

Liking the hermit thread. I'm starting to sympathise with those old people who just want to talk and talk. I really crave meaningful conversations. When I do talk to friends, I find it increasingly hard to listen to them talk about superficial everyday things. Makes me feel even lonelier.

Hi op

I completely get it, i had a partner through first lockdown, which i still struggled with, we have now broken up, i have ds part time, getting used to being single is hard enough without being told i can't see my friends, who all have lives & other priorities - i hate being a needy friend!

I brought a dog, he gets me out of the house twice everyday & means i have adult social interaction - even if it is just about the dog!

Some things I do that help me are: journaling several times a day (basically the stuff I’d otherwise be sharing with a partner), youtube on almost constantly with people chatting/interviews/podcasts, a VERY cosy bed with loads of pillows, blankets, hit water bottle and 2 teddy bears , messaging friends a lot, putting on all the lights when it’s dark, exercising for endorphins, upbeat music, daydreaming of everything I’ll do when I get the chance, reminiscing about great times, buying myself treats regularly (inc new sheepskin slipper boots), and watching my savings grow as I used to waste so much money every day back in normal times!

Sorry for the stream of consciousness! I won’t let it beat me.