What do you do when you want to split up but you know your partner will be distraught?

[Rosebudsandraindrops]

I know what I want.
But the guilt around dh and dc is stopping me. I feel so selfish, because it is selfish. It’s going to make three more people extremely unhappy. At the moment it’s only me who is unhappy.
How do I reconcile this? I feel so stuck. I want to leave, I am unhappy, I have checked out. I’ve been stuck like this for a long time but another lockdown and Christmas are making me feel panicky.
I desperately want my family, I want a happy normal family like most people have, but what I have now is not right. It’s not enough. I am stifled and squashed.

I had to do the same thing this summer after years of feeling like you do.
I didn’t want my children to model my relationship, they deserved a happy mum. They took it better than expected and are absolutely fine now. My STBEH was distraught, and still is, and I feel terrible guilt for that but he deserves to be happy with someone who truly loves him and that wasn’t me.

I pick up my keys to my new rented house today, I’m starting from scratch but I am happier than I have ever been and so are my children.

You know what you need to do, and it’s hard but if you’re sure of your decision then this feeling won’t go away.

If you stay in an unhappy relationship then that will affect everyone in the end.

Are you sure you are the only one who is unhappy?

My children were so relieved when I finally left their dad after many, many years of a miserable marriage. I stayed because I thought it was better for them, but looking back it really wasn't, and they would have been much happier if I had left when they were younger.

I'm happily married now, but my ex is still the same angry man I left. The difference is that I am able to have a good relationship with my children without his toxic input.

Of course I don't know if your marriage is in any way similar, but I do know that leaving made at least 3 of us happier. And if your husband is a good guy, leaving him gives him the chance to find someone who will be happy with him too.

I think you’re looking at this wrong. Your husband deserves to be with someone who really loves him and staying with him because he’ll be upset in the short term takes that opportunity away from him in the longer term.

Your children also deserve to have a mother who isn’t desperately unhappy. No one likes change and so it isn’t easy to split but longer term wouldn’t you like to model healthy relationship choices for your children? Right now you are passively teaching them that mums role is to sacrifice herself for everyone else. Is that how you want sons or daughters to grow up internalising the role of a wife and mother?

I care about dh and the thought of hurting him doesn’t sit well with me at all.
I feel sad when I think about Christmas and family holidays and outings, all gone.
But when I actually think about doing them, I don’t want to anyway. Not with dh. It’s for the sake of the children.
I feel on edge all the time, as though the decision is hanging over me and everything could all fall apart any second.
Because of how dh is I would have to tell him and leave with the dc immediately. I cannot talk to him first. He may be ok ish - it’s hard to know - but he has a temper and I think it would be extremely unpleasant at best and unsafe at worst.

I think it would be extremely unpleasant at best and unsafe at worst

After reading this I think you really do need to separate from him. No wonder you are unhappy and as a PP said, maybe the kids are too.

As for guilt about him being "distraught " ... in my youth I sometimes stayed with boyfriends or took them back out of guilt that they seemed so distraught. However, as soon as they got a new girlfriend they were miraculously cured and I wondered why I'd allowed myself to be so worried!

In short, if a relationship is wrong for you, don't stay in it out of guilt.

Why are you unhappy?

It is definitely not 'selfish' to want your children and yourself to be safe. We all deserve to be safe, you and your children especially do if you are not safe at home.

Hope you are OK and have somewhere to go. Can you let the police know in advance that you are leaving incase you need some serious support ?

Have a read of this thread before you do anything.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4058635-Being-honest-would-you-be-bothered-about-not-seeing-your-SCs-again-if-you-and-your-partner-split-tomorrow

Just be aware that your children are being setup for a future with massive implications for mental health and development.

I’ve been unhappy to varying degrees for a long time but I’m mainly unhappy because I don’t feel equal in this relationship and I don’t feel brave enough to stand up for myself.
I don’t feel like it’s a partnership in any sense of the word. I don’t doubt dh loves the dc but my marriage has been lonely.
It may be an overreaction about it not being safe, but I have to hold it in mind because it also may not be.
It’s not as simple as talking to dh and telling him I’m unhappy and going from there.

Bettereveryday1 hard depressing but similar to my experiences of having spoken to step parents IRL.
I don’t know what the answer is really. This situation has made me depressed and anxious to the point of needing medication just to function and some days it’s still a struggle.
So my options are - stay and be unhappy.
Leave - and make everyone unhappy.

Looking at that the first option is clearly better. But there are no good options.

I could not disagree more with the implication that leaving will always have a detrimental impact on children.

Children deserve to have parents who can express themselves freely. If you need medication to get through your life in this relationship then there is a whole world of opportunity in which you have a home in which you are safe and well.

Tiptoeing around a partner is always going to have a detrimental impact on your mental health and by extension on that of your children.

If you split up, you don't have to start again with another partner. Imagine your own home, with noone to tip toe around. How does that sound? Wouldn't you'd children thrive ?

I did it last Monday, it's awkward but luckily no kids involved, been together 15 years and I've been unhappy for probably 8 of those lol! I'm 46, hadn't done it sooner because I feared being alone but there's nothing worse than being lonely in a relationship.

We're still sharing a house until 10th of next month and it's weird and we're tiptoeing around each other, so far it's amicable, he's gutted and said he'd do anything to give it another go but I'm done. I've tried

Thank you for this post op, I feel exactly the same. I swing from right, I'm going to do this today! to feeling so guilty about what I'm about to do and I wobble and back out.
I'm so annoyed with myself because I left him once and was lured back. I could kick myself, and do, every single day.
The kids were fine then and they'll be fine again, I'm sure. I'm not half as naive as I was first time either, which is a good thing.

I needed bolstering today and this is it

I was in the same position and ended the relationship at the start of 2019. It was absolutely the right decision, as none of us were truly happy, despite my exh thinking he was. We are all much happier now, both have new partners and the kids have coped really well.
I also didn't want my kids thinking ours was the model relationship.
My exh took it very badly at the start not helped by the fact we had to live under the same roof for 6 months whilst selling the house. But once living apart things got much easier.
Ultimately you only have one life and you deserve to be happy.

I’m also in the same position op. We should be besties! Every day I dream of my life without him. I love mornings when he goes to the gym, or evenings when he works late and it’s just me and the kids. We have nothing in common anymore other than the kids, and most of the time he just nags and yells at them, so they are always upset with him too. We separated 5 years ago for 6 months and remember being in such a good headspace, but in a shitty rental, before him and his mum being lured / begged to come back to the family home under the promise that he would get help for his anger issues and change. Nothing has changed. I’m so angry that I went back - if we had continued the kids would have been young enough that it wouldn’t have affected them so much, and we would be set up again now. Now at 6&8 they will feel the impact of the separation.

His dad just died a couple of weeks ago so I’m letting that settle and am going to ask him to leave in January. He can use his dads inheritance to set himself up while we split the assets.

Ok so think of it this way

You stay - a lifetime of unhappiness for you
You leave - a very short period of unhappiness for your children and him.

Staying will not equal happy children by the way. You know that deep down

I’ve been unhappy to varying degrees for a long time but I’m mainly unhappy because I don’t feel equal in this relationship and I don’t feel brave enough to stand up for myself.

You don't necessarily owe it to your partner and kids to stay in the relationship, however I would say - so long as there's no risk of violence or abuse - that you owe it to them to at least try and sort it out. You say you don't feel brave enough to stand up for yourself - one way of looking at what your planning is this is just another manifestation of that very issue.

Your obviously feeling unheard - but do you actually know how your partner would react if you actually asked for what you want? Or is he assuming you're good with everything because you make out everything's fine? Because, if so, this will repeat - you're not fixing the part of you that can't ask for what it wants. You're simply running away to avoid having to do so. To avoid being brave and stating your own needs. And, IMO, that's unfair - not the leaving in-and-of itself. And if you state your needs and they're ignored, fair enough. Leave. But at least you'll all know what wasn't working and the culpability will be his.

If not, your partner will be left thinking "what the Hell did I do wrong?" In which case, no, he won't get over it short-term and find someone new, because he'll be stuck going over and over that unanswerable question, unable to trust himself in another, because, in his mind, his seemingly happy partner just bolted for no apparent reason.

Apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick.

@Rosebudsandraindrops I'm in exactly the same position as you. It's overwhelming isn't it. I absolutely wish I didn't feel the way I do, but I am so unhappy and am just getting through each day, trying to avoid spending any time with dh. I feel like I am being ultra selfish to want to have my own happiness and disrupt everyone else's lives. The thought of Christmas looming makes me feel sick. It does every year. Like you I swing back and forth between 'this is the day!' and 'I just can't do it, suck it up and get on with life' a thousand times a day and I'm exhausted. We have talked, and I know he doesn't ever want to split, and seems prepared for us just to rumble along as we are. At the moment he's depressed and anxious because of a situation he's in at work, keeps telling me he needs me etc, and I feel like I can't add to his stress by spelling out how I'm feeling. He thinks I'm absolutely fine just getting on with stuff, but inside I could just scream. How can I tell him he is the source of my stress and anxiety. It's like I have to hold him up. Anyway, sorry not to really be bringing you any advice, I just wanted to let you know I totally get what you're going through xx

"I had to do the same thing this summer after years of feeling like you do.
I didn’t want my children to model my relationship, they deserved a happy mum. They took it better than expected and are absolutely fine now. My STBEH was distraught, and still is, and I feel terrible guilt for that but he deserves to be happy with someone who truly loves him and that wasn’t me."

This was exactly me a few years ago.
I just didn't love him and was desperately unhappy, for a long time. I could see in the end how this created a horrible atmosphere at home and was making me a less than great mum as I was moody and miserable.

I finally got the courage up, exH was devastated and still struggles I think. DCs took it badly but adapted quicker than I thought. I'm happy and am like a different person, something DCs have noticed. It was hard, but ultimately the right thing to do. I wasn't aware quite how much my unhappiness affected my ability to parent well and I hated the model of a marriage (like roommates) that they thought was normal.

Do you want your DC to have the same sort of marriage as you do? That is what they are learning marriage/relationships are...

Longer term they will be happier it's just a case of ripping the plaster off.

@RandomMess but they are also learning that if you have needs you don’t stand up and ask for them - you just run away, which IMO isn’t healthy either. This is why I suggested - so long as there’s no danger of violence or abuse - that the OP should at least try fixing that part of herself first. She may still choose to leave, but at least she’ll go into her next relationship without the risk of the same situation developing again. At the end of the day all partners - male and female - aren’t mind readers and only human.

[quote Tossacointoyerwitcher]@RandomMess but they are also learning that if you have needs you don’t stand up and ask for them - you just run away, which IMO isn’t healthy either. This is why I suggested - so long as there’s no danger of violence or abuse - that the OP should at least try fixing that part of herself first. She may still choose to leave, but at least she’ll go into her next relationship without the risk of the same situation developing again. At the end of the day all partners - male and female - aren’t mind readers and only human.[/quote]
Why should she fix this? She is unhappy. It's clear it's about much more than not wanting to stand up for herself. Sounds like she has checked out long ago and that is no environment in which to bring up children.

Why should she fix this? @BuffayTheVampireLayer Read the second part of what I wrote, from “at least she’ll go into her next relationship...”

I could be you op, except that I have no concerns about mine or the dc’s safety.

I’m bored, and he’s become very selfish

DC are 14 and 12 and I worry about messing up their exam years. That’s the only thing that’s really stopping me from more seriously looking into leaving.

That and the money. I just don’t know how I’d cope money wise. I have worked part time since having dc - a joint agreement at the time but now I can see how limited my opportunities have become as a result, how poor my pension is etc. He was earning a good wage but has been made redundant. We have a joint account and joint savings. Nothing is just mine - I have just opened an account for me but there’s only £200 in it and that’s not going to grow quickly. How on earth do you start getting a new place to live, furnish it etc?

Perhaps I’m just weak. I keep telling myself 6 years until dc’s exams are all over. Then do it. But at the moment that 6 years feels like a lifetime....

If you were a friend talking to me I’d be encouraging you and helping you to move out and get on with your life, but I can’t seem to apply the same logic to myself.