What do you do when you want to split up but you know your partner will be distraught?

[Rosebudsandraindrops]

I know what I want.
But the guilt around dh and dc is stopping me. I feel so selfish, because it is selfish. It’s going to make three more people extremely unhappy. At the moment it’s only me who is unhappy.
How do I reconcile this? I feel so stuck. I want to leave, I am unhappy, I have checked out. I’ve been stuck like this for a long time but another lockdown and Christmas are making me feel panicky.
I desperately want my family, I want a happy normal family like most people have, but what I have now is not right. It’s not enough. I am stifled and squashed.

@Bettereveryday1

Have a read of this thread before you do anything.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4058635-Being-honest-would-you-be-bothered-about-not-seeing-your-SCs-again-if-you-and-your-partner-split-tomorrow

Just be aware that your children are being setup for a future with massive implications for mental health and development.

I strongly disagree. Both DH and I were brought up by parents who should never have stayed married. It caused us long-lasting issues which resulted in both of us going on to replicate their mistakes. DH and I have 3 children between us and all of them have separately said they are happy that we each divorced and have such a good second marriage.

Also, I assume you missed the part where the OP is concerned for her safety?

OP, your children will come to terms with a split, they may already be hoping for it. Yes it'll be a rocky time, but an unhappy parent in an unhappy marriage is more destructive in the long term.

But an unhappy parent in an unhappy marriage is more destructive in the long term

@SomeSmotheringDreams true enough, but - and I hasten to add this is completely separate to the OP’s situation - where does that leave those cliched midlife crisis men, feeling hard done by because their wives are too worn down by kids and family life to keep being the sex goddess they desire or to pander to their ego? Are they justified in running off with that younger version of their wife, who isn’t so much of a “nag”? After all, an unhappy parent in an unhappy marriage is destructive. Or should they just grow up and realise they’re being an entitled twat?

That's just whataboutery. We are talking about the OP here, who is miserable and probably even scared of her H.

@Tossacointoyerwitcher

Why should she fix this? *@BuffayTheVampireLayer* Read the second part of what I wrote, from “at least she’ll go into her next relationship...”

OP doesn't need to stay in the relationship to work on herself.

I left my ex in secret, taking the DC and all my (small amount) of worldly possessions. I don't regret doing this at all.

Like the OP, I was worried about trying to talk to him. He was (and probably still is) verbally, emotionally, financially and sexually abusive. I know all of this deep down, it spurred me on to leave, but I've only recently been able to actually acknowledge the sexual abuse to myself. It included rape, there, I've finally said it, after 3 years of being away from him.

OP's posts strongly suggest to me that her reluctance to try talking to her DH stem from her knowing what he's like, but yet unable to verbalise just how bad it might be. She doesn't feel safe, feels squashed and stifled. All stuff I felt before I was able to recognise my feelings fully.

Leaving in secret wasn't running away, it was self preservation. He may not have hit me, but had thrown things and the implication of physical violence was growing. DC are so much happier now, their MH is improving all the time.

Following for advice because I’m another in the same position. We’ve had an offer accepted for our dream house and sold ours to make an fresh start’ but everything is sliding back to how it was and I’m close to cancelling the whole damn thing.

I've made my first move and I'm shaking.

Only little but at least I've told another person, I've made the first moves to liquidate the (small) asset that I have solely in my name to enable me to go forward.
He knows something is up and he's being on his best behaviour and offered to take me out, I pointed out that I had set plans with the kids on the night he's suggested and he reverted straight back to mean prick. Just bolstered me even more to put the changes in motion.
Still feel a bit sick about the bomb I'm about to drop. Have barely eaten through stress this week as it is and I've lost 8lbs in the space of days, I weighed myself before bed last night

@schitter well done on taking that first step. I really sympathise with you, I lost almost two stone through anxiety and stress last year. I kept going back and forth on my decision; not because I doubted it but it would have been easier to just stay out.

You’re not on your own

Stay put*

Thanks Fast!

@TurquoiseDragon

I'm in this situation too. And I'm moving between just renting somewhere and leaving with dc or getting the courage to say something.

I've actually said it before but then I agreed to counselling. And then the next time at the beginning of lockdown I agreed to try again as he started to get nasty. There is a history of emotional and psychological abuse.

He knows something is up, I just need to get the words out of my mouth.

[quote FastAndCurious]@TurquoiseDragon [/quote]
Thanks.

In the end, it would have been worse for DH to be stuck with someone who didn't want to be with him. I did care for him, even though I couldn't be in the relationship any more, and thought he deserved the chance to be with someone who wanted to be with him. Also, I just couldn't sacrifice the rest of my life for someone else, especially when that wasn't necessarily the best thing for them. I wanted the chance to find someone who I was excited to be with (which I did, about a year later! And DH did too )

bettereveryday1 not only is your comment not that helpful, it doesn’t really illustrate anything. That thread has plenty of people saying they have a strong relationship with their stepchildren and others saying while they don’t have a long term attachment, they have a happy and appropriate relationship.

Fear that your child may end up with a stepparent who doesn’t love them like their own is not a good enough reason to embed unhealthy messages about relationships into your children, and to allow them to repeat the same patterns.