Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Ex-husband wants to steal my house

76 replies

Al7722 · 29/10/2020 09:46

So I was married o my ex-husband for less than years, we have two daughters who live with me. Before we got married I inherited a house which I sold whilst we were married and bought one in the UK. It was always understood that it would go to the kids. My ex-husband is lazy, useless at home and let me do a full time job with a 3 hr daily commutte and all the chores whilst he sat on the couch with the kids watching TV. I finally had enough and asked for a divorce. Now he wants me to sell MY house and give him half the money eventhough he hasn't contributed a penny or carried out any handy work whatsoever in it. He doesn't care that the kids would lose their house.

My question is: has someone had a similar experience? What was the outcome? and also does anyone know a sharky lawyer who could defend me better than my current one?

Thank you so much!

OP posts:

Gooseybby · 29/10/2020 13:13

@al7722 mine drove, but didnt run his own vehicle (that would mean working! ), just used everyone else's!

PicsInRed · 29/10/2020 13:28

If it goes to court, you could easily spend £10s of thousands - well over £25k - on solicitor and barrister fees.

Additionally, the outcome could easily be that he receives half or more of the equity based on his circumstances and need. A cocklodger like him will be adept and making himself seem both the innocent, wronged party and incredibly needy.

I would strongly recommend you take advice from a good solicitor, and consider paying him out a smaller sum now, to avoid losing a greater sum in fees and lost equity later. Pray and hope that his greed compels him to accept - do not rely on the courts to be fair and punish him, they do not take any account of all but the worst (gruesome murder, basically) conduct, and even then not by much.

Ensure you have a final consent order (which covers pensions) to avoid him ever coming back for more.

HallieKnight · 29/10/2020 13:51

He's been the primary caregiver for your children including a special needs child. That is at least as valuable as working full time and you chose to share your assets with him when you got married

MessAllOver · 29/10/2020 14:01

If you went to court, the judge would prioritise the needs of the children. So it would depend on whether you were going to be primary carer (in which case you'd get most of the assets) or share care 50/50 (in which case a more equitable split would be appropriate).

In this case, you're in a strong position since the house is in your name. Going to court is expensive so your ex is unlikely to want to do that. I'd say the first step, if he's still in the house, is to get him out of the house so he's living elsewhere. Then change the locks when the house is no longer his home. Then discuss the financials and do what you think is best for the children. If he's lazy and won't do a lot with them/pay maintenance, I wouldn't give him anything and would leave him to take you to court if he likes. If he's a good dad who will want to do 50/50 and pay his share of their expenses, you need to find a way to house you both decently so you can both parent properly.

millymollymoomoo · 29/10/2020 14:41

All assets are in the pot for consideration of splitting
What % will depend on many factors
No different to when a women earns less or stays at home
Whether it’s 50:50 is questionable but he will be entitled to a fair share and a solicitor will help you work through what that could look like

FrustratedC0ffeeDrinker · 29/10/2020 15:42

In terms of the length of a marriage in divorce, it’s not quite as simple as saying 5/10/20 years etc. Judges will take into account any relevant case law. Length of cohabitation before marriage may be taken into account as well as other factors including whether there any children. Times are changing, and perceptions as to what constitutes a short marriage are changing too. So you really need the advice of a solicitor who need to be presented with all the facts before they can advise on a fair settlement. Of course the judge may take an entirely different view on the day!

Whitehorsewaves · 29/10/2020 16:05

It's not just the house but pension pot too, as well as savings. It all goes in the marital pot to be divided up.

He was technically a SAHD so it wouldn't be a good look for you to argue he did nothing. That might blow up in your face. Whatever you do don't go down the route of getting people to tell tales on his lack of DIY input, that will just make you look ridiculous and petty

He could go for 50/50 residency in which case he would be entitled to a share of the house as he is required to home the children when they are with him too. So the marital pot will need to be divided to provide for two households.

A solicitor can tell you anything but it will be a court that decides the outcome or if you're lucky you can reach an agreement through mediation. Just remember his solicitor will be telling him a different story on the other side, so don't take what you're told as gospel.

Given your child's condition it may be viewed that a meaningful relationship with him is just as important as the one with you given that he was previously a primary care giver.

Best advice, start thinking not about what you won't do but what you will do. You need a position to negotiate from.

caringcarer · 29/10/2020 16:07

You say roughly 5 years but under 5 years and over 5 years are different things. Which is it? Under 5 years and you will get a bigger share than over 5 years. Does your husband work? If he does not work he might get a bigger share. The quicker you get legal advise the better. It is expensive but vital you get it.

OhioOhioOhio · 29/10/2020 16:13

My xh was a snakey bastard too. Happens to the best of us. You need a lawyer.

blissfulllife · 29/10/2020 16:17

The double standards here is crazy!

If this was a single mom who's stayed at home with the children one of whom is special needs,and the dad called her lazy for not doing DIY there would be uproar!

EmmaGrundyForPM · 29/10/2020 16:18

@blissfulllife

The double standards here is crazy!

If this was a single mom who's stayed at home with the children one of whom is special needs,and the dad called her lazy for not doing DIY there would be uproar!

^^this

Rgy3250999 · 29/10/2020 16:20

I would be very careful as he may ask for 50:50 childcare if he doesn’t already have that and then he could argue that he needs a stable roof over his head too. In which case, selling the house and him having his equity would make sense. If he has them half the time, you wouldn’t get maintenance either. He can fight you for joint custody. As someone above said, he may technically be entitled to some of your pension too with him having been a SAHD. It’s very complicated but could work out even more complicated and expensive than just half the house. Is there any way you can raise some money to offer him a pay off? Something equal to deposit money for a new house maybe? Legal fees alone will cost thousands!

Doyoumindifislytherin · 29/10/2020 16:30

I'm utterly outstanded at the double standards here. A stay at home parent who has cared for the children whilst the other worked and progressed their career is being belittled, called a cock lodger and lazy for not doing any DIY.

This is the most sexist post and responses I have ever seen on mumsnet.

Disgusted doesn't come close to how I feel about this!

I hope he does get at least 50%

TicTacTwo · 29/10/2020 16:53

You've had some questionable advice here.

Your ex was a SAHP for 2 years. It is not reasonable to expect a SAHP to do DIY during the day (I assume that he's not a tradesmen and the kids weren't in childcare during the day)

He is able make a claim on the house and your pension but you need legal advice to know how much of a claim.

How does his wage compare to yours now? He could argue that he isn't able to raise a big mortgage like you and claim that he wants 50/50 custody so needs a place that can house him and the children even if he later decides never to have them.

There is no guarantee that children can stay in their current home. I'm not a legal expert but I suspect the only way that you can stay is to raise a mortgage so you can pay him off or if he agrees then selling the house at a future point and him benefiting from any increase in equity too. You bought the house while married so it's his too automatically. The amount he contributed is irrelevant.

Omeara · 29/10/2020 17:01

He was a sahp so he did contribute to the household. He may not get 50% but he will entitled to something.

Omeara · 29/10/2020 17:03

The double standards here is crazy!

If this was a single mom who's stayed at home with the children one of whom is special needs,and the dad called her lazy for not doing DIY there would be uproar!*

Very true!

Searchesforhipbones · 29/10/2020 17:07

@blissfulllife

The double standards here is crazy!

If this was a single mom who's stayed at home with the children one of whom is special needs,and the dad called her lazy for not doing DIY there would be uproar!

This!

Luckyonetwo · 29/10/2020 17:25

blissfulllife
The double standards here is crazy!

If this was a single mom who's stayed at home with the children one of whom is special needs,and the dad called her lazy for not doing DIY there would be uproar!”

Yes to this again.

Gooseybby · 29/10/2020 18:01

If the mum effectively tricked their partner into her being a 'sahp', constantly promising to find work but not doing it, forcing the other parent away from their kids without their consent as without a fulltime wage the fanily would have sunk, then did as little actual childcare as possible, would we still feel the same

this is what got on my wick with my ex - he is a sahp.....but i got no choice!

crimsonlake · 29/10/2020 18:13

I think the only good thing is this will not be described as a long marriage., then dividing the assets would start at 50/50.
You need professional advice, no point asking here and guessing.

category12 · 29/10/2020 18:15

As a short marriage, he may not get much. Did you live together for a long time before getting married, as that could be counted in?

AllsortsofAwkward · 29/10/2020 18:29

I come on to say the same, the double standards here is crazy. He provided childcare and when you marry assess become joint. The courts aren't interested in youre friends testimony. You need a lawyer but he will get something.

Greysparkles · 29/10/2020 18:43

He's been the primary caregiver for your children including a special needs child

Yet you expected him to find time to do DIY?! Wtf.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 29/10/2020 23:37

On the off chance you haven't already seen this thread - here's your answer. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4063969-Anyone-can-recommend-a-great-divorce-lawyer-I-need-a-shark

He could get half or nothing and it depends on how it's handled.

Rybvita · 30/10/2020 00:32

@HallieKnight

He's been the primary caregiver for your children including a special needs child. That is at least as valuable as working full time and you chose to share your assets with him when you got married

This

Flip

1 2 3 4