Daughter left home

Original poster

Booblet · 28/10/2020 22:29

My 21 year old daughter has left home to live with her boyfriend, she is also in her 3rd year at University 200 miles away ( her boyfriend lives 35 miles from home - where she used to live).

I am heartbroken. I really didn't expect it, although she has been seeing him for 2 years.

I read a brilliant article, "20 notes to a mother from a 20 year old daughter".

I'm just wondering if anybody has a thread to this article? I just need to try and understand how a 21 year old (my daughter) thinks.....her beliefs and views, her view on independence, her thoughts and beliefs and so on.

If I can understand how a 21 year daughter views the world, especially in relation to leaving home....
Just to mention we do keep in contact...speak on the phone several times a week, and went to Poland together in September for her 21st birthday.

Its do hard for me to look at this situation objectively, and I cant tell her how I really feel, this us not her responsibility.

So, if there is anybody who can help please

OP posts:

Kimbo180 · 28/10/2020 22:55

My daughter moved out recently with her boyfriend few months back. Shes my only child. I was sad at first had bit of empty nest sypdrome but went as weeks past. But i look back and think my job is done here. I reared her to be independant. You need to let her be an adult now and let her live her life. Hope this helps xx

corythatwas · 29/10/2020 00:27

I just need to try and understand how a 21 year old (my daughter) thinks.....her beliefs and views, her view on independence, her thoughts and beliefs and so on.

If I can understand how a 21 year daughter views the world, especially in relation to leaving home....

Well, this is how a 56yo views the world, but I am sure it would be backed up by my 23yo (no longer living at home):

At 21 your dd is an adult. It is normal for adults to set out and start their own independent life. A couple of generations ago, many women got married at this age and started families. In my generation, we rented rooms and lived cheaply somewhere. I worked abroad at this age. I visited my parents (still do), but had no intention of coming back after uni- I was an adult.

Because of unemployment and lack of affordable housing, many young adults these days have to delay independence for longer than they would like. If your dd is in a position to achieve her independence, then that should be seen as a positive thing.

The only objection would be if there was something seriously wrong with the boyfriend. Otherwise, a normal healthy thing to do.

That doesn't mean it's not normal and healthy for you to feel lonely and sad for a while. But that is your problem, which you need to deal with as best you can (a new hobby, some special treats, revamping your career?). It isn't something odd about your daughter that you need to understand. She is just doing what you might expect at her age. You are the one you need to look after. So do something fun for yourself. Indulge your interests.

corythatwas · 29/10/2020 00:29

Also, the time where you need to know and understand her views and beliefs is gone. You need to understand and know as much as she sees fit to tell you. The rest is part of her adult, private life.

TableFlowerss · 29/10/2020 00:32

@corythatwas

I just need to try and understand how a 21 year old (my daughter) thinks.....her beliefs and views, her view on independence, her thoughts and beliefs and so on.

If I can understand how a 21 year daughter views the world, especially in relation to leaving home....

Well, this is how a 56yo views the world, but I am sure it would be backed up by my 23yo (no longer living at home):

At 21 your dd is an adult. It is normal for adults to set out and start their own independent life. A couple of generations ago, many women got married at this age and started families. In my generation, we rented rooms and lived cheaply somewhere. I worked abroad at this age. I visited my parents (still do), but had no intention of coming back after uni- I was an adult.

Because of unemployment and lack of affordable housing, many young adults these days have to delay independence for longer than they would like. If your dd is in a position to achieve her independence, then that should be seen as a positive thing.

The only objection would be if there was something seriously wrong with the boyfriend. Otherwise, a normal healthy thing to do.

That doesn't mean it's not normal and healthy for you to feel lonely and sad for a while. But that is your problem, which you need to deal with as best you can (a new hobby, some special treats, revamping your career?). It isn't something odd about your daughter that you need to understand. She is just doing what you might expect at her age. You are the one you need to look after. So do something fun for yourself. Indulge your interests.

Great post and great advice.

I moved out at 19 as did most of my friends.

Lurchermom · 29/10/2020 00:34

When I was 21 and in my last year of uni my (loving, caring) parents asked what my plan was for the future as moving back home wasn't on offer! We have a great relationship but University is partially there to help you spread your wings.
Your daughter is 21 and an adult, why shouldn't she be moving out of the family home?

corythatwas · 29/10/2020 00:35

I was 19 when I met and fell in love with the man who is now my husband. If I could have moved in with him then I would certainly have done so.

Noneyerbuisness11234 · 29/10/2020 05:31

I was 19 when I got my first flat no relationship and back story of y but that's for another thread I livid my life traveled and now married with a son my only regret I didn't meet my husband when I was younger she'll b fine and if she's not she nos where u r keep urself busy find time for u for the last 21 years it's been about her just shows how amazing of a mum u r wish I had that now it's all about u

AbiBrown · 29/10/2020 10:24

Aaw. I had to move away at 18 for university (wouldn't have chosen to) and my parents were heartbroken - I'm their only child and we're very close. Just to say, it doesn't have to be the end!! At 24,i moved back in with them as I was unemployed and couldn't afford rent in London. At 26 moved back out. I'm now married with a kid but spend a lot of time at my parents ' house and with them. If you're close and have a good relationship, then there's no reason why you'd see much less of her! I do notice that that close relationship is more common with parents with only children... In my experience, my friends with siblings were keener on leaving the nest...

corythatwas · 29/10/2020 11:49

Can I just add to AbiBrown's post that you will do yourself a disservice if you set up criteria for judging the closeness of the parent-child relation.

Children who move away, get married, live somewhere else, are not necessarily less close to their parents than children who go back home after uni.

Where my parents lived there was no work for me. That had nothing to do with our closeness.

Then I met a man from another country who was also very close to his parents. Something had to give, we had to find a compromise that would allow us to see both sets of parents from time to time, not excluding anyone completely. Again, that juggling act is not a criterion on which to judge our closeness to our respective parents.

My nephew is an only and very, very close to his mum. But he is also a talented musician and currently studying abroad because that is where he can learn best. Once he graduates, he will have to take work where he can get it. That says nothing about their closeness.

My dad was an only. Again, the place where his mum lived did not allow him to find the work he had trained for, so he moved away.

My mum was not an only, but she was the cherished only daughter born 11 years after my GP's first child. She still moved out on marriage.

Abi in the present case, the OP is lamenting the fact that her adult dd has decided to move in with her boyfriend rather than live at home. By encouraging her to hope that her dd will come back home, aren't you effectively encouraging her to hope that the relationship will break up? Is that fair?

DoctorManhattan · 29/10/2020 12:04

I moved out at 19 . . . 80 miles away for a 1yr placement. Ended up with a full time job and never went back home.

By comparison my brother and sister both stayed at home till well into mid to late 20s.

You need to see this as a positive thing, even though it’s natural for a parent to miss their child and find them moving out a bit of a shock to the system after 20+yrs of them being there. Your daughter has clearly been raised to be independent and decisive, and has no qualms about making her own decisions. Moving out at 19 was great for me - I became independent, I learnt how to manage my money for bills and rent and so on, did my own cooking and cleaning and other useful life skills that we should all have, but many don’t. My sister at 26 still couldn’t load a washing machine - not all her fault as our mum insisted on doing everything for her children. Typical irish mammy as we call them.

Time will pass and this will become the new ‘norm’, once that initial feeling of sadness at her absence passes hopefully you will appreciate that it means you’ve done your job - being a parent and raising a child to become a well adjusted adult - properly and you have more time to focus on yourself and enjoy hobbies and things.

AbiBrown · 29/10/2020 12:34

@corythatwas Sorry, that's not what I meant... I realise it could be interpreted this way. What I meant was that wherever she now lives or has moved to doesn't mean they will lose that closeness and bond. And doesn't mean they won't spend time together anymore...
That's why I mention that I'm married and have a child. I even live in another country to my parents, but we are still very close and my husband and I often spend time with them, they come to stay and so on...

Sundance2741 · 29/10/2020 12:58

After going to uni at 18, I only lived at home during holidays and for about 6 months aged 23-4 when I couldn't get a job in the field I'd trained for. I wouldn't have gone back otherwise. No reflection on my parents or our relationship. I just felt like I was an adult and wanted to be independent.

My almost 20 year old has been unemployed during lockdown and finally has a part time job. She is already talking about flat sharing with a friend (though could be pie in the sky). I'm pleased that she is showing some ambition and motivation but processing the idea as we always imagined she would live with us well into her 20s. In fact I am just in the process of decorating her room and buying new furniture etc so I felt like not bothering with that anymore....but the flat share may never materialise or fall through later (as may your dd's relationship) and it's still better to have a nicely furnished and decorated bedroom than to have the dump it has been.

BorderlineHappy · 29/10/2020 22:04

@Booblet You are coming across as over bearing.You

I'm just wondering if anybody has a thread to this article? I just need to try and understand how a 21 year old (my daughter) thinks.....her beliefs and views, her view on independence, her thoughts and beliefs and so on.

Why?
I can understand you being upset. But your dd is moving on to the next chapter of her life.

I suggest you do the same. You dont need to ring and talk several times a week. Shes in Uni and has relationship. She needs to focus on that.

Is she an only and do you have a partner.

Peace43 · 29/10/2020 22:34

I moved out at then of college, got a job 200 miles away. A few years later I moved to another country. I always felt close to my parents. I got married and moved back up to 30 minutes away from my parents. Now at 43 I’m divorced (happily), in a new relationship, I have a 9 year old and I live in the same street as my parents. My sister never moved more than an hour away and now lives next door with her husband and kids!!!

You never know where life will take you!

Thatwaslulu · 29/10/2020 23:10

I moved out at 18 and into a flat with my boyfriend. The relationship was unhappy but I liked having the independence and it really helped me to appreciate my parents more. I was married to my lovely husband (not the boyfriend I moved in with) by 22 with a baby, our own house, a good job and was much more mature and grown up than my son is at the same age now. I don't feel like I missed out on anything. My younger sister still lives at home in her 30s after moving back after uni, and is a bit like a big kid, she doesn't have many responsibilities or commitments, I can't imagine that.

aboutbloodytime123 · 30/10/2020 07:17

I think you sound lovely. I left home to go to uni at 18 and my parents, who I am close to, made it very clear I could not come back! And I didn't. But as everyone here is saying this is your daughter's next chapter and she obviously feels it's time to spread her wings. I'd say that was a sign of a job well done.

FippertyGibbett · 30/10/2020 07:21

My DD had a 3 year relationship with her BF starting at college. They decided to live together in a Uni flat, it lasted all of 6 months before she was home. She’s now back in her own Uni flat.
So it doesn’t mean that it’s for ever.

JamminDoughnuts · 30/10/2020 07:29

Plenty of our dc go off to university at 18 or 19 and after 3 years do not return op.
they have lived their lives away from home, as have you.
, and want it to carry on.

FoolsAssassin · 30/10/2020 07:29

Very gently from one Mother with a 21 year old not,at home to another, the thing you need to understand now is yourself and what your life will be now as you move forward.

We’ll never stop worrying and always be there for them and they may come home for a bit but we have successfully raised them to become independent, job well done and time foe a new phase in our lives.

JamminDoughnuts · 30/10/2020 07:31

she needs to fledged op

Mabelface · 30/10/2020 07:37

My 21 year old daughter moved in with her bf a few weeks ago. In enjoying a quiet and tidy house.

Bumpsadaisie · 30/10/2020 07:42

Stop trying to be inside your daughters head, feel sad that she has gone, support and encourage this step she's taken and look forward to a new phase of development in your reln with her.

Original poster

Booblet · 30/10/2020 15:13

Thankyou all for replying to my question. The reason I am replying with a collective response is that I cant seem to reply individually.

As we all know, its impossible to look at many of our real and deep seated problems in an objective manner. That is why WE all need help.

Many of the posts are really supportive, and, have totally understood what my post was actually asking.Thankyou so much to those intelligent members whom have given me a real insight and knowledge, and, more important have stated their own experience, which as helped me so much.

However, 1 or 2 of the replies ( I'm sure they are there to see!), are quite frankly too judgemental and without any real substance and, have not understood what I was requesting.

Firstly, I was asking, in general the views and beliefs from a 20 year females perspective, not my own daughters beliefs.That is why I requested if anybody as come across the article, "20 notes from a 20 year old daughter to her Mother". This article was brilliant, but unfortunately I did not save it.

Secondly, as a remark, "you are overbearing", that person needs to understand the art of reading and digesting fully, and not give flippant answers with no real substance and connection. And, I think sometimes when replying to certain posts we need to show empathy and understanding, and in relation, not display total bluntness. In many cases, this does not help iin supporting individual cases

Regards, Booblet.

OP posts:

BorderlineHappy · 30/10/2020 15:19

@Booblet You came on a public forum, you should have known you where going to get different responses.

And in my opinion you are coming across that way.I dont know you,i can only answer from the information you gave.

Just because you dont agree with me,doesnt mean i dont digest and dont read properly.