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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Fling with boss - what to do?

90 replies

Vicki8314 · 28/10/2020 21:42

I know this looks bad and I accept all the criticism but I really need some advice as I'm totally screwed up by this. So a year ago my boss, who is a sales director, made a move on me. I'm far lower than him in the company hierarchy so it was a total surprise. We are both married and I was very hesitant at first but then we started having a fling. We have never slept together but have had a few kisses, and a lot of chatting by text. I've had a lot of up and down moments with it, telling him we have to stop and he would respect that , then I would contact him again when I missed our chats etc...we obviously didn't see eachother over lockdown but chatted a lot. Then things got bad in the company, a lot of reduncies announced that he was dealing with and I felt like he just cut me off for a while. My job was at risk too. I called him up on it a few times, sending him outburst messages why he wasn't calling me anymore and his excuse was he was always busy. I knew this was a total turn around as it only takes a few seconds to msg someone but he just kept quiet and I felt like he was starting to ghost me. Last week he called me about work and he's managed to save my job by arranging another one. I think he's done it a bit roundabout and I'm surprised as I thought he had the perfect opportunity to get rid of me if he had started ghosting me. Now I might get the opportunity to work for him again I'm not sure if I want to with all this unresolved. He is now very formal with me and every time in the last few months when I've asked him to be honest with me he's avoided it. Now I feel like saying I can't have the job unless we resolve this as I can't work in this kind of situation. What should I do? I don't understand why he has tried to save my job but now remains so formal with me as if the past year never happened?

OP posts:

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PippaRose · 29/10/2020 22:23

Hi OP

No judgment here. I think you either stay in the job and pretend like nothing happened (if you can) or leave. Trying to clear the air is unlikely to work as even if he does engage with it he’s probably not going to be honest.

If it was me I’d try staying, because you won’t feel like this forever and you would end up regretting losing out on the extra money because of what happened.

Even if he does try and bring up what happened or start things again you need to be strong and keep it to work chat only.

No harm in looking for equivalent or better positions elsewhere though.

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Vicki8314 · 29/10/2020 22:23

Thanks everyone for your time on this. Think I'll call it a day as it's given me a lot to think about and reflect on. I appreciate everyone's honesty and I need to do a lot of self reflection and be honest with myself and DH.

OP posts:

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AtrociousCircumstance · 29/10/2020 22:23

How old are you OP? You sound young.

You need to take full responsibility for what you did and your own behaviour. You created this situation. Yes I know, I know - he pursued you! Doesn’t matter. We’re talking about you, not him, he’s irrelevant. You cheated on your husband, you betrayed your partner. You’re lucky to still have a job.

Head down, do your job, look for a new job elsewhere in a methodical manner.

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AtrociousCircumstance · 29/10/2020 22:24

Cross post. Good idea OP.

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Bluntness100 · 29/10/2020 22:26

I just want to say I was weak. I was going through an unhappy time in my marriage when it started

If you were considering saying this to him, for the love of god don’t. Honestly. Just say nothing, stick to that decision. There is nothing you can say that’s going to make it better.

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HaleNo · 29/10/2020 22:27

It does pass.

It feels horrible at the time but it's over now. Close call. Hope you can work things out with H.

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HaleNo · 29/10/2020 22:28

You'd be feeling even worse if you'd slept with him.

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Dollyrocket · 29/10/2020 22:30

OP you really should considering doing a lot more work on your self-esteem.

A life directed by seeking men’s approval and validation, really is no life at all. A life where you use your looks to garner favour (from men) will get only get lonelier and lonelier as you age...

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Nanny0gg · 30/10/2020 00:10

@Vicki8314

Thanks for all your replies. Your honestly is brutal but totally needed. My priorities are all wrong in this. I didn't mention and what is probably important is I have another job offer which is far less paid and means struggling quite a bit, but not sure I'd best to just take it and leave all this behind me?

How will you explain that to your husband?

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PurpleTrilby · 30/10/2020 00:49

The thing I always hold dear is this: business before pleasure. Don't put sex or excitement before earning a fucking living. Ever. Protect yourself.

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Vicki8314 · 30/10/2020 07:12

@Bluntness100

Oh no not to him! Just to the forum

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Notimefor · 30/10/2020 12:01

This is so grim...

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Mischance · 30/10/2020 12:07

Save your energy for your marriage and solidifying that.

This bit of nonsense has probably saved your job, so count your blessings but learn from it.

He was absolutely out of order and I am sure he knows it. He has saved your job to make sure you do not report his behaviour.

Why are you even thinking about this? - he made a move, did not get what he might have hoped for and now he has gone back to how he always should have been. This is history - move on.

Bottom line: he does not care one jot about you.

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GhostsUpMePosts · 30/10/2020 12:11

The whole situation sounds bloody exhausting.

I'd leave, take the other job and never look back.

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Cheeseandwin5 · 30/10/2020 13:46

Sorry, your Bosses change of attitude is neither here nor there. Those trying to guess his attitude are doing that- guessing.
Off course you just ask him directly and maybe get the affair started again- so you can feel you have the moral high ground should you end it.

What should you be your focus is the betrayal of your DH and family.
You are not the victim here, and trying to pass over the blame or find out the OM views, is just blurring the situation.
Instead you should be deciding whether you should be telling your DH about your deceit and what you can both do to make your relationship better.