Fling with boss - what to do?

[Vicki8314]

I know this looks bad and I accept all the criticism but I really need some advice as I'm totally screwed up by this. So a year ago my boss, who is a sales director, made a move on me. I'm far lower than him in the company hierarchy so it was a total surprise. We are both married and I was very hesitant at first but then we started having a fling. We have never slept together but have had a few kisses, and a lot of chatting by text. I've had a lot of up and down moments with it, telling him we have to stop and he would respect that , then I would contact him again when I missed our chats etc...we obviously didn't see eachother over lockdown but chatted a lot. Then things got bad in the company, a lot of reduncies announced that he was dealing with and I felt like he just cut me off for a while. My job was at risk too. I called him up on it a few times, sending him outburst messages why he wasn't calling me anymore and his excuse was he was always busy. I knew this was a total turn around as it only takes a few seconds to msg someone but he just kept quiet and I felt like he was starting to ghost me. Last week he called me about work and he's managed to save my job by arranging another one. I think he's done it a bit roundabout and I'm surprised as I thought he had the perfect opportunity to get rid of me if he had started ghosting me. Now I might get the opportunity to work for him again I'm not sure if I want to with all this unresolved. He is now very formal with me and every time in the last few months when I've asked him to be honest with me he's avoided it. Now I feel like saying I can't have the job unless we resolve this as I can't work in this kind of situation. What should I do? I don't understand why he has tried to save my job but now remains so formal with me as if the past year never happened?

[FineWordsForAPorcupine]

Is there any chance you were looking for an exit affair/something that would force your hand in resolving your marriage? You don't seem very happy with your husband, and although an affair is pretty much the messiest way to go about it, it is at least a powerful way to force some kind of change. It also means you aren't having to do it by yourself (you have your affair partner to go through it with you) and you don't feel like you're just losing something from your life - you have the possibility of a new relationship to replace it.

I think maybe part of the reason you are so fixated on this married man is because you hoped it would fix something in your life?

[AskMeOnce]

Your boss is a player and a cheater...he fancied a bit of 'no strings attached' excitement on the side which he got, but now he's bored (he probably has a new bit of excitement on the side now) you turned out to be clingy, demanding and a bit crazy (outbursts on text and crying into your wine at night) and he needs to cut you loose (without a scene, hence saving your job)

You need to seriously grow up. Think about the way you've behaved with someone else's husband, and how you've betrayed your own husband. Pull yourself together.

[Bluntness100]

Is there any chance you were looking for an exit affair/something that would force your hand in resolving your marriage?

Or did you think you were trading up...

[Bedsheets4knickers]

@AskMeOnce

Your boss is a player and a cheater...he fancied a bit of 'no strings attached' excitement on the side which he got, but now he's bored (he probably has a new bit of excitement on the side now) you turned out to be clingy, demanding and a bit crazy (outbursts on text and crying into your wine at night) and he needs to cut you loose (without a scene, hence saving your job)

You need to seriously grow up. Think about the way you've behaved with someone else's husband, and how you've betrayed your own husband. Pull yourself together.

Agreed

[workhomesleeprepeat]

He thought you would be something fun and sexy to do and now he’s decided or realised it’s more trouble than it’s worth.

Get therapy for why you need all this attention from men and for why you need to self flagellate on a forum.

[EpochTime]

OP, it would really serve you well to address your issue of feeling worthless unless validated my male admiration of your physical form. Without to put too finer point on it, you will reach an age at which you become invisible to this male gaze.
Just a suggestion, but maybe you could try to think about it more rationally. Receiving male attention simply because your random collection of genes happens to align with the societal view of attractiveness has nothing to do with you as a person. Try to think of instances when you've felt validated as a person in your own right and not for your looks.
As for this bloke - he hasn't rejected you. He's just out for a cheap shag with someone who isn't his wife. You'd have masses more self-worth if you had rejected the idiot at the outset.

[Vicki8314]

Yes perhaps I did come up here for 'self flagellation' and that's what I'm clearly getting. Clearly no one on here has ever made a mistake? I haven't even slept with him but I'm sure there are people on this forum who have cheated all the way. I came on here trying to explain a situation I find myself in, Ive been having serious mental health issues, which has also been made fun of on this thread. But it seems I'm the only one here who has unfortunately developed feelings for someone else whilst being married. I do need a reality check but to be told to grow up, stop being pathetic and being called insane is not very supportive for a supposed support group.

[Vicki8314]

@ZaphodDent

Your emotions are not unusual or uncommon, so you can stop beating yourself up. You're suffering from the after affects of a huge crush, some call it limerence (lots of info on the Web about dealing with this).

He came after you initially and awoke it all in you. He used his senior position to give himself a better chance to get you in bed. The reason you kept the chats going is because it was exciting and you enjoyed the attention.

You know deep down whether you can pull yourself out of this and forget about your feelings for him. If you can't, then you'll probably need to go no contact, ie switch jobs. These feelings can last a few weeks, or a few years.

Thank you. It's really hard. I never wanted to feel this way. Your advice is helpful and I'll look it up

[Shetoshe]

Count yourself lucky the whole sordid affair wasn't exposed. Stop thriving on the drama and sort your marriage out or end it. The fling is over, don't make a tit out of yourself by acting deranged about it. Find some dignity and hold your head up.

[Pebbledashery]

Hi OP, I'm not going to judge you or berate you. We see lots of affair threads on mumsnet..
All I will say to you is your fun is now over and its time to move on. For your own self respect and sanity, take this new job because its not going to be healthy working with him.. Just hope your respective partners don't find out.

[Bluntness100]

I’m really not sure this is a clear support group op, it’s an online forum. The members do give a lot of support, but there is clearly some things they won’t support, and this behaviour is one of them.

If you’re having mental health issues you need to speak to your gp,

If you can’t cope with the fact he’s no longer interested you need to change job, you can’t make yourself even more ill.

Look it was something and nothing, some flirting, some texting, some kissing, he wasn’t looking to declare his undying love and marry you. It was a bit of fun for him. I get it was a lot more for you, but it wasn’t for him and you need to accept that.

He got busy with Covid and the redundancies, and you reacted badly. The behaviour has scared him, as it would most folks in this position, and he’s trying to put this back where it should be. Rightly so.

You need to either accept that and stop now, focus on your marriage and mental health, and continue in your new role, or leave.

[Bluntness100]

The fling is over, don't make a tit out of yourself by acting deranged about it. Find some dignity and hold your head up

As blunt as this is, it is actually valid. You need to try to claw back some dignity here and not act so desperate. It’s never attractive and it’s not going to make him want you again. Desperation never ever does that.

[LolaSmiles]

Look it was something and nothing, some flirting, some texting, some kissing, he wasn’t looking to declare his undying love and marry you. It was a bit of fun for him. I get it was a lot more for you, but it wasn’t for him and you need to accept that.

He got busy with Covid and the redundancies, and you reacted badly. The behaviour has scared him, as it would most folks in this position, and he’s trying to put this back where it should be. Rightly so.

You need to either accept that and stop now, focus on your marriage and mental health, and continue in your new role, or leave
I totally agree.

OP There's no need for some of the unpleasant attacks towards you, but you have to realise that ultimately you're moping about the fact you no longer feel you have this man at your back and call.
Sometimes otherwise decent people can make mistakes and whilst it doesnt excuse an affair in any way, sometimes two people can fall for each other and behave badly. This isn't one of those situations, you're upset that you've not got your married man as a play thing and that's totally going to get people's backs up because it's being willing to trash two marriages for nothing more than an ego boost.

[Vicki8314]

@Greeneyes78

Wow.

How selfish are you!

I’m honestly cringing for you, you asked him what, how many times

If you were a man the responses on this thread would have been very different but you’re a woman and anything you do will be justified on mumsnet.

Have you no respect for your husband at all?!

Grow the fuck up and stop messing around with other women’s husband you grotty little thing.

'Grotty little thing'? Is that necessary?

[katieg03]

How would you feel if your husband did the same as you've done? Seeking out attention from the opposite sex?

Don't end up slapped with a grievance either. Put your big girl pants on and stay away from him. He's clearly not interested.

There is no reasoning to be sought from him.

Maybe you need to seek support for yourself with regards to the gratification you want from other men. Otherwise your eye is always going to be wandering and if you've not hurt your husband already you will. Treat others as you'd like to be treated. Would you be buzzing if someone came in and swooped someone you loved?

[LolaSmiles]

Greeneyes78
Is there any need to come back to the thread purely to continue insulting the OP?

You're just being particularly unpleasant.

[Bluntness100]

Alright green eyes, that’s enough.

[Vicki8314]

@Greeneyes78

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yes it's sick, and apparently I'm sick according to you but unfortunately it happens all the time in the real world. I just wanted to know whether I should stay in a job with him as my boss and clear the air with him before I start in order to carry on or just leave? I didn't say I wanted to marry him, take him from his wife and have his babies!

[Bluntness100]

Op there is no air to clear. Just follow his lead and act professionally. He’s not coming back to you, ok? Just leave it now. 💐

If you can act professionally then stay and take the job. If you can’t then leave, only you know if you’re capable.

However there is nothing further to discuss with him, you need to stop now.

[LolaSmiles]

Just be professional OP.
There's no air to clear.

Nobody in any relationship needs to justify ending it. If one person wants to end the relationship then them not wanting to be in it is enough grounds

Either way, imagine you do get to clear the air or get reasons from him, what will you do with that information? Play it over in your head about what you should have done differently? Do the pick me dance? Get depressed over anything that feels like personal criticism? It won't help you move on.

[Vicki8314]

The comments are right that there's no reasoning from him. I'm not defending myself at all. I just want to say I was weak. I was going through an unhappy time in my marriage when it started. It's no excuse but despite that when he started pursuing me I put it off for a while and kept saying it was inappropriate in our positions. He was the one that kept saying 'it's fine' and reassuring me that we could just chat as friends because it was hard to do at work and it was a shame if we didn't as we got on so well. He really kept pushing it, I was very hesitant but after a lot of pushing I was weak. More than anything we became what I thought was really good friends more than anything else. I feel he got me to the point he wanted and when he was bored he discarded me fast and when I called him up on it for an explanation (which was important to me due to our positions) he kept ignoring me).

[Vicki8314]

@LolaSmiles

Just be professional OP.
There's no air to clear.

Nobody in any relationship needs to justify ending it. If one person wants to end the relationship then them not wanting to be in it is enough grounds

Either way, imagine you do get to clear the air or get reasons from him, what will you do with that information? Play it over in your head about what you should have done differently? Do the pick me dance? Get depressed over anything that feels like personal criticism? It won't help you move on.

I know that now and thank you, that's what I need to do. I can't force an answer from him as it's obvious. We were both wrong and I need to just forget it