Fling with boss - what to do?

[Vicki8314]

I know this looks bad and I accept all the criticism but I really need some advice as I'm totally screwed up by this. So a year ago my boss, who is a sales director, made a move on me. I'm far lower than him in the company hierarchy so it was a total surprise. We are both married and I was very hesitant at first but then we started having a fling. We have never slept together but have had a few kisses, and a lot of chatting by text. I've had a lot of up and down moments with it, telling him we have to stop and he would respect that , then I would contact him again when I missed our chats etc...we obviously didn't see eachother over lockdown but chatted a lot. Then things got bad in the company, a lot of reduncies announced that he was dealing with and I felt like he just cut me off for a while. My job was at risk too. I called him up on it a few times, sending him outburst messages why he wasn't calling me anymore and his excuse was he was always busy. I knew this was a total turn around as it only takes a few seconds to msg someone but he just kept quiet and I felt like he was starting to ghost me. Last week he called me about work and he's managed to save my job by arranging another one. I think he's done it a bit roundabout and I'm surprised as I thought he had the perfect opportunity to get rid of me if he had started ghosting me. Now I might get the opportunity to work for him again I'm not sure if I want to with all this unresolved. He is now very formal with me and every time in the last few months when I've asked him to be honest with me he's avoided it. Now I feel like saying I can't have the job unless we resolve this as I can't work in this kind of situation. What should I do? I don't understand why he has tried to save my job but now remains so formal with me as if the past year never happened?

[OldWomanSaysThis]

Maybe when he was told to decide who was going to stay and who was going to be let go, he realized he was in a pickle with you. What decision should he make regarding your job that is least likely to blow up in his face?

And because this fling meant zero to him, he was able to turn it off quickly and without emotion.

Don't take the lower paid position. Stay in this job and just do what he did - just turn off the emotion. That whole fling was silly and meaningless.

[whywhywhy6]

It sounds like he is over your ‘fling’ but he’s nervous you’re going to tell people about the two of you (particularly after your ‘outburst messages’) so he’s saved your job so you’ll keep quiet.

He’s done you a favour. Accept it and move on. Keep it professional.

[PaterPower]

Keep the higher paid role in your current company. As PP have said, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth in this climate.

Be a professional in your dealings with the other guy and look very hard into what left you open to all the flirting etc. What’s missing in your marriage? Can it be fixed? If not, leave it so your husband can find someone he’s more compatible with.

You don’t mention him at all in your post, which suggests he’s a bit of an afterthought in all this.

[FineWordsForAPorcupine]

" I wonder why I am in such need of finding out why he has changed"

Often when you have a desperate need to talk to someone one last time and have them explain to your face WHY EXACTLY they don't want to date you, you dress it up as "needing to understand" but actually it's:

1. wanting to have their attention
   
2. forcing them to witness your distress
   
3. anger at them for walking away so you don't want to "make it easy" for them
   
4. hoping you can change their mind
   
   It doesn't make you a bad person to feel any of those things, but it's better to be honest with yourself - what do you really want to get out of a discussion with your married boss about why he has stopped flirting/kissing you? The likely answers are that he wanted a quick sexual fling which his wife would never know about, and now it's becoming a protracted emotional affair - much more risk for much less reward. Other possibilties include: he's not seeing you everyday so you're a lot less...right there in front of him, lockdown has given him a chance to reevaluate his marriage and he has realised what an idiot he is being, his wife found out/suspects (you may not be the only one, so he may have to cool it with all his side pieces), etc
   
   Would any answer be useful to you? It's better to spend your energy thinking about yourself - do you want to have more affairs and stay in your marriage?

[FineWordsForAPorcupine]

... Oh, and as for why he saved your job? My guess is that he isn't a complete monster, so didn't want to "take the chance to get rid of you". He doesn't like to think of himself as the kind of callous person who would engineer his ex mistress out of her job when he was done with her. And also massively fears a lawsuit.

Its interesting that, at the start of your post, you say that you "didn't think he would be interested in you" since he is so professionally senior to you. This is...extremely naive. It was precisely BECAUSE he was professionally senior that he picked you. You were flattered, he held all the cards. An affair with the boss is a cliche for a reason.

[ukgift2016]

I agree he saved your job in case you took it to tribunal. He properly realised the dangerous position he put himself in and has now withdrawn.

What a twat.

[TheVanguardSix]

Sounds resolved inasmuch as it can be.
This is your job and jobs are about the become gold dust here. Hang onto your job and focus on it entirely. Or, for your own sake, change jobs if you can (that's what I would be doing). The past is the past. Leave it there. You're not a victim. He's not a coercive bastard. You're two random people who pushed the boundaries too far and acted stupidly. People do this and then realise the error of their ways.
Move on.

[TheVanguardSix]

What a twat.

Takes two.

[Songsofexperience]

You're two random people who pushed the boundaries too far and acted stupidly. People do this and then realise the error of their ways.
Move on.

That's very true, but equally OP sounds like she's genuinely not over it. I don't think it helps to tell someone to turn off their feelings. If only that was possible, life would be very straightforward.

Take your time OP. It wasn't a healthy relationship. It has messed with your head. Move away from his motivations and focus on yours instead so you can understand better what makes you tick. Then you'll grow from it.

[Nailgirl]

@Coldwinds

He probably saved your job as he was shitting himself you’d take him to a tribunal.

He saved your job and is is distancing him self from you.

This

[Vicki8314]

@FineWordsForAPorcupine

" I wonder why I am in such need of finding out why he has changed"

Often when you have a desperate need to talk to someone one last time and have them explain to your face WHY EXACTLY they don't want to date you, you dress it up as "needing to understand" but actually it's:

1) wanting to have their attention
2) forcing them to witness your distress
3) anger at them for walking away so you don't want to "make it easy" for them
4) hoping you can change their mind

It doesn't make you a bad person to feel any of those things, but it's better to be honest with yourself - what do you really want to get out of a discussion with your married boss about why he has stopped flirting/kissing you? The likely answers are that he wanted a quick sexual fling which his wife would never know about, and now it's becoming a protracted emotional affair - much more risk for much less reward. Other possibilties include: he's not seeing you everyday so you're a lot less...right there in front of him, lockdown has given him a chance to reevaluate his marriage and he has realised what an idiot he is being, his wife found out/suspects (you may not be the only one, so he may have to cool it with all his side pieces), etc

Would any answer be useful to you? It's better to spend your energy thinking about yourself - do you want to have more affairs and stay in your marriage?

It think it's my terrible way of handling rejection. Without sounding bold, I do get a lot of attention from men because of the way I look, but unless I get the attention I feel I'm worthless. And I guess by him suddenly cutting me off after giving me so much has made me feel that way. It's very easy for people to tell me to move on and grow up and I wish it was that easy. I've been to counselling for years in the past about many issues but I guess they're unresolved. Another reason I feel this way is when I see him I am still completely attracted to him. I hadn't seen him for weeks and i was ok and then when I saw him for a review recently and he was all formal I went away feeling terrible and in tears for the rest of the night. If he came on to me I know I would probably give in. That's why I'm questioning taking the job as I know how weak I can be. And about my marriage...that's another story too and yes I should be focusing on it but there are many issues there too.

[nolovelost]

Nothing to resolve, he's decided not to carry on with it and is being professional. You need to move on, do what's best for you job wise, he shouldn't have a bearing on it.

[Lifeisabeach09]

Take the opportunity he has given you-new role, new professional relationship dynamic and forget what was before.
He has done the right thing (for whatever reason) in ending the fling and saving you a job.

[Gazelda]

What stands out to me is that you've barely mentioned your husband. He seems to be irrelevant to your situation. You're more interested in the attention of this man.

[Vicki8314]

I think by me wanting to 'resolve' it is basically knowing why I was rejected as that makes me feel worthless. I know there have been lots of comments to grow up and move on and I wish I could, I've really tried but it falls to pieces when I see him. Emotionally, I handle things really badly and I don't trust myself at all. I am very weak. The reason I don't trust myself is having had weeks of not seeing him, I saw him again last week and he was being very formal and I was totally attracted to him. Seeing him brought everything back and I spent the night feeling really low, drinking and in tears. Questioning how can I feel this way, why do I do this to my husband, what is wrong with me? Why am I such a messed up person? As I said, my marriage has its own issues clearly, but this is about going for this job when I'm feeling this way and whether it will destroy my wellbeing.

[Vicki8314]

@Gazelda

What stands out to me is that you've barely mentioned your husband. He seems to be irrelevant to your situation. You're more interested in the attention of this man.

This is my question too and the problem. I am trying to ask people what to do about this job considering how messed up I am. I wish I could move on and concentrate on my husband but I clearly can't right now. I have serious issues in my head if this is affecting me this way. I'm constantly questioning why aren't I considering my husband more? How can I be feeling this way? That's why I'm asking about taking this job.

[5pForAPlasticBag]

Finally your husband gets a (minimal) mention. I would say the real question you should be asking yourself is not “what do I do about these job offers” but rather “am a truly terrible person or manifestly insane”.

[Dery]

“And about my marriage...that's another story too and yes I should be focusing on it but there are many issues there too.”

OP - you sound quite young and your post makes clear that due to unhealthy patterns you seek male validation in order to feel good about yourself. You don’t seem to care much about your husband. Maybe you married hastily and/or the wrong man and you need to end your marriage and continue your work on yourself so you are not drawn into unhealthy relationships with men in order to validate yourself.

Remember also when your boss was kissing you, he was cheating on his wife. Surely you wouldn’t want to be with a man who cheats. And surely you don’t want to be a plaything for a man? That’s no validation. You need to learn to validate yourself.

[litterbird]

He rejected you because he is married and probably thought about it and realised he loved his wife and life and wasn't about to compromise any of it for a fling. He doesn't want you anymore. It stings. You are lucky and have a husband at home that knows nothing about this. Go home and be thankful for the home life you have. This guy is just a fantasy you built up in your head. Continue with therapy too.

[CrypticQueen]

The reason companies don’t like relationships between employees where one has influence over another is because of this type of thing: ... he's managed to save my job by arranging another one. I think he's done it a bit roundabout ... If colleagues who were made redundant knew about the flirty chats, they may feel aggrieved. I’d just be quiet, tell no one, and put it behind you if I were you OP.

[GilbertMarkham]

I think by me wanting to 'resolve' it is basically knowing why I was rejected as that makes me feel worthless.

Most married men don't leave their wives for flings/affairs. So you not being "rejected" at this point would just mean you being in an even worse position - having had sex with him, illicit meetings with him, developed feelings for him, got (more) invested and attached ... And been.muvb more hurt and humiliated and rejected when he ended it one way or another and didn't leave his marriage.

It's a gift that he's ended it now without using and abusing you to a much greater extent - take that gift.

Be glad you still have your job too. A d no I wouldn't leave and take a shittier job because you've had a few kisses and a lot of texting etc with a boss; forget about it, unfortunately it's not uncommon behaviour (that and a lot worse), be professional and move on.

If you need to end your marriage separate from this, that's something you'll have to consider maybe with counselling if you can get some.

[GilbertMarkham]

Oh and as for being "rejected" by s married man - it was never a level playing field, was it? Not like when you get involved with a single man and he rejects you for a relationship. A married man already had someone installed in his life, already filling the position, he may want some extra sex/fun/flirtation/validation or wherever in the side but that doesn't mean he's prepared to end his marriage. He's not free, he's not available and he was unlikely to ever have actually intended to end his marriage (when push comes to shove, most married men don't .
even in much more developed affairs than this) so there is no real rejection; because there was no real relationship opportunity with him.

[GilbertMarkham]

They were always going to end it, sooner or later.

It's actually much much better for you that it's sooner.

[GilbertMarkham]

I'd imagine he's thought about what he has to risk/lose (his marriage and his job/position if it's found out he's been engaging romantically/sexually with a junior employee) if he pursues this further into a full blown affair and has decided he better back off, try to act professional and end your "fling".

That's completely understandable.

It's not about your value or attractiveness. He's not free to have a relationship with you, due to his being married .. and the work/boss situation is a big issue too.
He shouldn't have fine what he's done but he's trying to stop it and move on. Be mature and do the same.

[ZaphodDent]

Your emotions are not unusual or uncommon, so you can stop beating yourself up. You're suffering from the after affects of a huge crush, some call it limerence (lots of info on the Web about dealing with this).

He came after you initially and awoke it all in you. He used his senior position to give himself a better chance to get you in bed. The reason you kept the chats going is because it was exciting and you enjoyed the attention.

You know deep down whether you can pull yourself out of this and forget about your feelings for him. If you can't, then you'll probably need to go no contact, ie switch jobs. These feelings can last a few weeks, or a few years.