How do you leave a relationship that's...

[Sheop14]

95% fabulous?
Imagine meeting someone and wanting children.. They do too.. You end up discussing.. But never getting to the point of doing it because every excuse under the sun is thrown in..
BUT until that conversation is broached again life is rosey..cant fault and can't imagine being with anyone else...
Mine is a moving issue not children but it's as much a bigger deal.
Then as I write this I see that I'm wasting my time and for my own good it's for the best.. But just feel such a loss as walking away and maybe never finding anyone quite like him😔

What do you mean a “moving” issue? Do you mean moving house? Area?

Relationships are all about compromise. Unless this is a complete deal breaker (could you elaborate why moving is such a huge thing, not really comparable (in my mind) as having/not having kids?) you need to do what is right for you - you only have one life. But be certain that you won't look back and think 'why the hell did I lose him/her over something so (in the scheme of things) trivial. Because there is very little in this life that isn't trivial 10 years down the line.

Yes sorry a moving issue.. Except although it's 'difficult' so sort it's not impossible'
I know it's not comparable to children, I shouldn't have used that as an example but I think there's 3 things most relationships discuss and that's marriage, moving and kids.. In no order but important all the same.

We are an hour apart, only do weekends, it's hard work and tiring after a long week for both of us.. Whereas he seems to be happy dragging his feet and giving me reasons then back tracking I've had enough.. But not of him.. I don't want us to break up.. Yet you can't force someone to do something.. Even if they insist it's something they want?!

Moving is not trivial. It means completely throwing away everything and everyone, and starting over with all your support networks gone.

I guess he is backtracking as he quite likes things the way they are.

Blinding thanks. No I don't see it as trivial as it is the only thing we both wanted from our relationship. I've older kids, he doesn't have/want. Neither fussed re marriage so this was our thing that we talk about a lot.. He seems invested.. Until it comes to the actual doing and its just bizarre how he clearly doesn't want it.. What am I to do.. I feel dreadful waiting for this when I know I need to end it

You're only an hour apart so I assume you could both move somewhere in between and each live just half an hour from where you are now but together. Could you move to him or is he dragging his feet on that too?

Starlight yes we could.. This is how it's gone so far..
He's moving here i am.. Changed his mind
We should move half way.. Great.. He changed his mind
I got fed up and started moaning he'd changed his mind twice.. He let suggesting I move in with him.. Not possible due to my job
We discuss around by him and I happen to mention what we will need in terms of the house and it's been every excuse reason against..
Back to moving in with him, which he knows is a no can do.. Then after a huge row he puts the idea in place that it has to be a specific place by him now.. By this point I can see its not important what I want but let's humour and fine...but has anything progressed?.. Course not. As I write I know I'm doing the right thing.. Just hate doing it but I have a future too.

What’s the proposal - you both move 30 mins from your original base? Or him to you? Or you to him?

How long have you been together?

What anchors does he have where he lives? Children, parents, friends, work, sports / social commitments, own home?

It’s not just about moving though, is it? It’s about so much more than that. It’s about:

🏡 Having a future together.
🏡 Being there for/with each other at the start and end of every day.
🏡 Sharing finances, pooling resources.
🏡 Not having an escape route. Being “all in”.
🏡 Giving up your freedom to commit to spending your time together.

How long have you been dating? Basically, you want this casual part-time relationship to progress into something more and he doesn’t.

You could address this in two different ways.

Either, by giving him what he says he wants: a very light-hearted, go-nowhere, casual fling. So you see him on weekends when you don’t have other plans. (And you usually make plans because he is only 5% of your social circle.) You go away on holiday without him. You don’t talk or message much during the week. You focus on your own future, without factoring him into your plans in any way. You date other people. You don’t have sex with him every time you see him...

Or by putting your foot down and telling him that you adore him but you want a future with him, and if he’s not ready for that, you’ll find it with somebody else. Then you cut contact, ALL CONTACT, and start dating other people. Within 2 months he’ll be knocking on your door with a list of Rightmove properties to view, if he loves you.

Sorry autocorrect
First part was moving to where I am

I think he just doesn't want to move in together but doesn't want to say so.

I've older kids, he doesn't have/want.

Could this be the issue? Does he want to live full time with your DCs?

Sss as you'll see above most options have been addressed and so far by him failed. My works a factor and I have a child near me but she works abroad a lot so.. and he has a parent close by.. Tbh neither are a million miles apart to be away from either a such.

Macbook that made me sad reading it.. Yes those are exact and great reasons why I wan tto do it.. I'll be using those to drum into him in black and white what it's all about.. Thing is I'm wasting my time, he's not a stupid guy.
Idea 1 is all good and well but after 4.5years it's pointless me going backwards I feel.. Its all or move on really.. I don't want to do option 2 but will do.. Sadly I don't think he's the typw of guy to come running back.. Which surprises me when he praises me for being basically amazing.. Sigh.

I don't think being an hour apart is very much. A lot of people spend commute to work an hour each way, sometimes longer especially if trains are playing up.

Sss yet he says he does?!
Vett they don't live with me they have their own houses

Jess agreed, however whereas he could commute for work I can't..and you guessed it.. He won't

4.5 years together and he still won't live with you?

It's never going to happen. He wants a girlfriend only, not a wife. Fair enough, but he should have been honest with you. Break up with him and start dating other people.

Cake I know.. And if I don't do it now I'll be like I was a year ago upset and hoping.
Thing is hes amazing and it worries me I'll meet someone who will happily progress.. But thue won't be him.. Guess I'll have to take that gamble as I'm fed up of being played

I think if you want to live together, or much closer together, and he doesn't and/or there isn't a solution that works for both of you, than yes, it's a perfectly valid reason to end the relationship as you're not getting what you need out of it.

It would be interesting to know if his issue is that he doesn't actually want to live with you or that he doesn't want to move out of his area. Not that it makes a huge difference, but it does give insight into whether the issue is your relationship or him.

I am happily married, but I've realised that having moved a few times in my life, at this point, moving again is not something I'm interested in doing. DH and I talk about possibly moving once kids have left home but for now, the thought of leaving my comfort zone, my support network etc is very very unappealing.

What’s his RS history? Has he been married? Any LTR - living together? Why did these end?

He might not be that amazing to be fair, he could be horrible to live with. You might be getting a lucky escape.

Space thanks for your perspective. I did question wether it was me, he assures me not, he says I'm like no one he's ever met before, of course I'm starting to doubt everything and that's not healthy. When we're together nothing matters, we are to everyone that perfect couple, no ties, no kids.. Easy.. Except somethings missing and that's now wanting to stop packing a bag every other week and move this on. He is lazy and will admit but seeing as I've currently agreed to do most of the hard work I find that a bit of a cop out.

Sss he's lived with someone (bought the house he's in) and their child, she left him.

Sorry to be pedantic and I know you were only using the term as an example, but your relationship isn't 95% great. At best its 66% (if living together is one of your big three issues).
Time to face up to the fact that he isn't as invested in the relationship as much as you are. For him staying where he is, is more important to him, than you are to him.

Cake it's funny (well not really as I'm anxious and upset at all this) as he joked 'you'd probably hate living with me, you'd probably find me annoying'.. All in all its hardly fun anymore discussing it and I think I've lost all the excitement I had for what I thought I was getting 😢