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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating ex suicide

51 replies

Pop331 · 27/10/2020 23:34

I just found out my ex has taken his own life. Am complete shocked never thought he would be capable as he always been a look out for number 1 type.

Our children are grown up now but are obviously devastated but apart from shock I don’t feel sad at all and it’s hard to make myself sound compassionate about him but I don’t want to hurt my DC feelings.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 27/10/2020 23:40

I'm sorry for your DCs loss. Loss of a life is never easy.

chuffedasbuttons · 28/10/2020 00:28

Just take time and don't overthink this.

Reach out to DC quietly.... you'll find the words.

I know why you reached for MN. It's a weird old world. Brew

MJMG2015 · 28/10/2020 00:36

I think that's the shock talking, be prepared for it to hit you at some stage. I think even if there's 'ex's' for a good reason there are still some good memories and you'll feel fit your children having lost their Dad (whether he was a good one or not, he's still their Dad).

DisorganisedPurpose · 28/10/2020 00:38

Try to put your lack of feeling aside and empathise with the DC. I understand that you must have switched off any feeling for him as you don't feel sad. Normally people feel a bit sad when this happens to someone they know so perhaps in this case it is because you had some dislike for your ex because of his behaviour in your past relationship. Will be devasting for DC though as they may be thinking what more could they have done to help him. Just do your best to sympathise. Sorry for the situation and their loss.

user1481840227 · 28/10/2020 00:42

Do you have any good memories of him? Was he good to children?

I can understand how someone might not feel sad over an ex, but are you not even sad for your children that they lost their dad?
If not then it sounds like you might be in shock if you are so detached from this.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2020 00:45

You can muster up some sympathy for your children, I'm sure.

Sakurami · 28/10/2020 01:30

You don't need to feel.sad but be supportive of your children like you would if they had lost anyone special in their lives who you had no connection with

cheesemongery · 28/10/2020 02:02

Hi OP, my dad committed suicide when I was 18 and my brother 21. Whilst I went through it all in a bit of a blur, I do remember brother losing the plot with Mum saying how can you just carry on as normal our dad has just died! Our dad was a vile violent piece of shit to our Mum. I think she did okay, taking us to and from funeral, she perhaps could have asked more how we were feeling.
You know your own children and the relationship. Suicide makes any death doubly hard especially on the children. I know there's nothing anybody could have done in our circumstance and I'm sure not in yours.
I guess just keep the lines of communication open, if they want to talk about him let them and just be there to listen. It was very much business as usual in our house next day... Not good. X

TiggerDatter · 28/10/2020 05:18

Just be kind and supportive to your DC, OP, that is literally your job.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 28/10/2020 05:47

You don't need to feel anything, that in itself is perfectly ok. You just need to be there for your children, you can offer the right words of comfort without having to fake your own sadness.

tara66 · 28/10/2020 06:42

Sometimes one just feels numb - can't be helped.

nosswith · 28/10/2020 06:53

Be supportive for your DC, and others in your and his family.

krj2608 · 28/10/2020 06:59

I'm so sorry for your children's loss. I lost my dad to suicide about 9 years ago after my parents divorced. My mum was similar to you for a while and then it hit her. I hope you are all ok and sending hugs x

Pickypolly · 28/10/2020 07:10

This sounds very very difficult for you op.
I don’t agree that you should be forced into “remembering good times” or feeling upset just because of what he has done.
This one action will not erase the years of history that you had with a man that you disengaged with for whatever reason you did.

Your kids need you and that’s what matters now.

I feel like I would support them as if it were someone they knew had died, not a mutually known person, just someone they know.
I’d approach it like that.
All the best with it op, you know what you need to do and I’m sure you will do it to the best of your ability.
Flowers

gottakeeponmovin · 28/10/2020 07:23

You can feel sad for your children without having to be sad in any other way. I can see why you don't feel upset. As others say just empathise with the kids but don't feel bad for not feeling emotion yourself

Myglorioushairdo · 28/10/2020 07:40

This also happened to a friend of mine 😞 Long time divorced and dc in their late teens when the ex dh took his own life. The dc weren't close at all to their dad, but his suicide affected the dc majorly. An absent/bad father is still a father and your dc will have feelings about their own identity as well as grief. Be there for them and do whatever you can to support them. In my friend's case the father's suicide kick-started such a huge crisis in the ds that he's still recovering from it 5 years later. Addiction and depression mainly.. Tread carefully. You don't have to be sad, but be present to your dc ❤️❤️

Original poster
Pop331 · 28/10/2020 07:50

I am fully their for my DC but am always aware that they are crying and devastated and am not showing any emotion am just worried subconsciously that the DCs will pick up on this and be hurt by it.

Maybe I am in shock he would definitely of been the last person I would of thought capable of this but apparently he was having money problems and was going to lose his business (he said always likes money,power,prestige)

My DD said last night if we had stayed a family maybe we could of helped him through this...... I don’t think this was a gripe or a complaint but just grief talking but it was hard not to take it as a rebuff. I worked bloody hard on my marriage but left eventually and have never looked back and am much happier now then I have been in years.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 28/10/2020 08:17

It's probably a bit of shock but also when someone isn't a good person and treated people badly, it's natural not to be wailing and crying over them.

I know there are lots and lots of cheating men who never consider or commit suicide but in some their general character and behaviour (unstable in some ways) is shown in things like cheating, addiction, and eventually suicide. I know of two men my cousin's were involved with (one was married to him I think) who were serial cheaters (on wives with kids involved) who ended up committing suicide.

GilbertMarkham · 28/10/2020 08:20

My DD said last night if we had stayed a family maybe we could of helped him through this..

That's very unfair on you, but no doubt your DD is not nature enough to understand that yet.

There's nothing you can do to stop selfish, self destructive, unstable people from taking the routes they take on life - and noone should be made to try, let alone when they're being mistreated.

TiggerDatter · 28/10/2020 08:21

I think you probably are in shock OP, maybe you could say that to the DC. Lots of people have delayed reactions to such awful news, especially when your emotions are being channeled into supporting your DC.

With your DD, it was the grief talking. With you, it’s the grief numbing you.

I’m so sorry your family is going through this OP 💐

GilbertMarkham · 28/10/2020 08:23

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Holyrivolli · 28/10/2020 08:24

Put them first and take your lead from them. Don’t slag him off or say anything that could be construed as negative. They will remember anything you say now and will be hyper aware of any implied criticism. Let them work through their own emotions.

When my ex died, my dc were devastated even though he wasn’t father of the year material and had done some pretty shitty things to me including cheating. It would have been totally inappropriate for me to put my feelings first and do or say anything which made it harder for them. Work through what you need to privately.

TiggerDatter · 28/10/2020 08:29

Whoa @GilbertMarkham what’s with the shotgun? Relevance or support to the OP??

Holyrivolli · 28/10/2020 08:31

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LilacPebbles · 28/10/2020 08:42

It's normal not to feel sad in this situation. Please don't feel guilty over that or wait for 'grief' to kick in. People respond to how they are treated. There is no onus on you to be 'in shock' apart from as you already acknowledge, feeling the initial shock suicide always brings Thanks don't play a role your DC will see through, just be there for them as I'm sure you are.