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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheating ex suicide

51 replies

Pop331 · 27/10/2020 23:34

I just found out my ex has taken his own life. Am complete shocked never thought he would be capable as he always been a look out for number 1 type.

Our children are grown up now but are obviously devastated but apart from shock I don’t feel sad at all and it’s hard to make myself sound compassionate about him but I don’t want to hurt my DC feelings.

OP posts:

EarringsandLipstick · 28/10/2020 08:43

@GilbertMarkham

That's a disgraceful comment to make & I've reported it.

OP this is a complicated situation for you. Undoubtedly his death will raise mixed emotions, not always in a logical or comprehensible way.

I think listening as much as you can to your DC at the moment, is the best approach.

Holyrivolli · 28/10/2020 08:55

@EarringsandLipstick. Yeah. It was an abhorrent comment and says much about the poster and her own issues. Some parents are so utterly selfish and wrapped up in their own hatred that they impose this on their own children. It’s so damaging for the kids but they think that they are the victim. Lowest of the low.

GilbertMarkham · 28/10/2020 09:06

That would be beyond cruel to say. One of the worst things you could say to a child in this situation.

I didnt say op should say it to get daughter.

Just that her daughter is not thinking about things like that - whereas she should/would if she was older and wiser.

Oh, and none of us know truly what he could have been capable of ... He meets certain criteria for men who do that.

GilbertMarkham · 28/10/2020 09:09

@EarringsandLipstick

Actually it's a relevant comment but report away.

It is intended to highlight for op that vulnerable, immature young people cannot possibly evaluate a person and their potential for damage to ex partners and kids before or after separation ... And therefore op should not be affected by what her daughter said.

It's beyond clueless.

I felt sorry for op being on the receiving end of that when she undoubtedly suffered at the hands of her ex and has rebuilt her life since then.

GilbertMarkham · 28/10/2020 09:10

*truly know

Bluntness100 · 28/10/2020 09:13

That comment Gilbert is appalling, the op has said nothing to ground your assumptions on this man on, other than he cheated and was materialistic.

GilbertMarkham · 28/10/2020 09:15

says much about the poster and her own issues

Lmao. Given I'm married (amicably divorced once with no kids involved) and living with my DH and small child - your assumptions and insults are laughable.

Murder suicides/family annihilation are not common but do happen - especially among immoral, selfish, egotistical, materialistic men who've decided to end it all because they've (apparently) failed.

My point was that op's DD is not nature enough to realise that - at best - staying together as a family would not have changed him and would've damaged her mum and herself and siblings .... And at absolute worst could have put them in real danger.

TiggerDatter · 28/10/2020 09:16

@GilbertMarkham do any of us know what we’re truly capable of???

Your comments are extreme and unhelpful, seeking to feed off an already very difficult situation to create drama and trauma that very thankfully aren’t there, for your own kicks perhaps? Shame on you.

GilbertMarkham · 28/10/2020 09:18

@Bluntness100

If I'd made you cringe or gained your disapproval Bluntness, I'll consider it even ... Since your posts so regularly make me cringe or shake my head.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/10/2020 09:21

I understood what you meant @GilbertMarkham That level of thinking is what discriminates betweeen DH and his siblings when their mum too her own life.

DH and I had open and long conversations about his DM and her failings, he was able to voice his emotions without judgement. His DB and DS were not. 20 some years later he is the only one of them who lives without feeling repsonible for her choices, without blaming others for her choices, understanding that she had her limits. But mostly he has long made peace with his having been so very angry with her!

OP O imagine your DD was speaking purely from his perspective, how he might have been dofferent had you, she, her DB been there for him, and didn't give a thought to how it might sound to you. All you can do is be honest with them, his life wasn't what he wanted, he couldn't cope with it and made a very final decision. Nobody else bears any responsibility.

It's that last bit my BIL and SIL haven't got past. They still seek to blame others (SFIL mainly). It's REALLY not healthy for them. I'd urge you to concentrate on not feeling blamed but on trying to help your DD work through her feelings of guilt. Let her talk it out!

Best of luck to you all xx

GilbertMarkham · 28/10/2020 09:22

Try reading this.

Then read it again.

My comment was intended to support op against the guilt and irrationality and foolishness being thrown at her by her daughter.

I'm not commenting further so you can step back from the pile on and focus your attention on supporting op - which is what this forum is supposed to be about.

And save the amateur psychology - anyone can allege anything about posters based on posts here, it's bullshit.

GilbertMarkham · 28/10/2020 09:30

@TiggerDatter

Ditto.
Back at you.

Bluntness100 · 28/10/2020 09:35

Gilbert there is nothing to suggest the op snd her kids woild have been in physical danger. I think you need to stop now.

Bunnymumy · 28/10/2020 09:37

I was going to say I bet he has serious finance troubles as that's usually the only reason these sorts take their lives. That or they've been caught out in something ileagal and know they'll be going to jail.

I'd pull the daughter up on that 'if we'd stayed' talk asap ('If we had stayed, he would have pulled us down with us').

Why people would expect you to be sad for an arsehole, I've no clue. The kids'll notice more if you fake it tbh. Be honest and frank with them and just, be there for them.

Holyrivolli · 28/10/2020 09:54

It is not helpful for the OP for people to be speculating that her ex could have killed her and the kids. Their relationship didn’t work out but the kids would have loved him and she should put them first. She (and some of the rabid posters on here) may think he’s a total asshole but the kids probably won’t especially when they are so raw and grieving.

My own children said similar about their father when he died as part of working through their feelings. There is nothing wrong with that and doesn’t indicate immaturity or stupidity on the children’s behalf. The what if scenarios will need to be worked through and the OP should gently support them with that without any criticism of their father. If she can’t then she needs to butt out and leave it to kinder and more decent people. It would be utterly selfish for her to impose any of her feelings on them as this is their lonely heartbreaking journey to undertake

Holyrivolli · 28/10/2020 09:58

@Bunnymumy. There is no reason for her to be honest and frank with them (by that I assume you mean the OP’s version of the truth anyway) apart from to twist the knife on her already grieving children. How does that benefit them except to realise that their own mother prioritises her own thoughts and anger over them?

TiggerDatter · 28/10/2020 10:01

OP I hope you and your DC are OK. I’m so sorry your thread has been derailed, I hope you are getting support 💐

Bunnymumy · 28/10/2020 10:05

[quote Holyrivolli]@Bunnymumy. There is no reason for her to be honest and frank with them (by that I assume you mean the OP’s version of the truth anyway) apart from to twist the knife on her already grieving children. How does that benefit them except to realise that their own mother prioritises her own thoughts and anger over them?[/quote]
It's nothing to do with her anger. She just needs to make it clear that his issues were his own and not their fault. That there was sod all they could have done. That, I would say is very important.

That being said, she shouldnt pretend to be sad either because that would be bullshit. She can respect their sadness without being sad herself.

Holyrivolli · 28/10/2020 10:12

@Bunnymumy. Being honest and frank as you so nicely put it is not what is needed. It smacks of getting the final word and is cruel Being kind, loving and allowing them to work through their own emotions is what the OP should do. Of course she shouldn’t commandeer their grief and make out that she’s heartbroken but should take her lead from them. Slagging off their dead father will not help them process their feelings and is actually nasty. May make her feel better but that’s at the expense of her children. She should put them first.

forumdonkey · 28/10/2020 10:14

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't think your reaction is unusual and you may even feel anger towards your ex for putting your DCs through this when it was unnecessary. My ex has recently had another heart attack and I felt nothing. I supported my adult DCs and that's all you can do.

I think you're shock but be kind to yourself and just be there for the DC's

Bunnymumy · 28/10/2020 10:16

Being honest and frank is not the same thing as slagging their dad off.

If I put it 'nicely' it's because it doesnt mean what you seem to think it does.

Original poster

Pop331 · 28/10/2020 10:37

My ex was a bastard not some evil psychopath.

I have no intention on saying anything bad about their father am just comforting them, their staying with me atm

I did slag him off once in front of them it was years and years ago after I found out he’d cheated again after I had taken him back, I hope to god they can’t remember what I said then.

Since he had no family left and never got married again it lols like am going to have to take care of arrangements and all the legal stuff don’t think my DCs can cope with the practical side of things yet.

As to my DCs comment I know it wasn’t aimed at me, I thought it was the bargaining phase of grief going through various scenarios we he could of been saved.

Got to say I never thought he could make me angrier then the affairs but seeing what this has done to my DCs has proved that wrong.

OP posts:

forumdonkey · 28/10/2020 10:54

Got to say I never thought he could make me angrier then the affairs but seeing what this has done to my DCs has proved that wrong

Completely understandable. Suicide brings completely different emotions from a death from illness or accident and people handle and view it differently. There are no right or wrong feelings. Have you got a friend who you can vent to?

In the space of six years there was three suicides of people I knew. Each one caused different emotions for different reasons.

giantangryrooster · 28/10/2020 10:54

You seem very level-headed, I think the best approach suggested on this thread is the one outlined by you.

The only thing you can do is support your dc, even if they are grown-up, they will feel like children confronted with this situation. Often when trama hits, we revert to feeling like an eight year old.

I understand your anger, your dc should have been spared this heartbreak. What your ex did seems very selfish, but down the line you will start wondering how much despair lead to this horrible decision.

Wishing you peace of mind .

Holyrivolli · 28/10/2020 13:49

That all seems sensible OP. It’s a truly heartbreaking experience that your kids are going through and they’ll have so many conflicting emotions mixed up due to the manner of his death. They will look to revisit the past to try to unpick what led to this but will unfortunately probably never get the closure that they need. Sudden death removes all possibility of a better future or to have the chance to reconcile past issues. They may also feel genetically flawed and worry about their own mental health and susceptibility to suicidal thoughts.

As the remaining parent they will look to you for help processing it all and you will unfortunately have to deal with your own emotional baggage without it impacting them. They also found it useful for me to share memories of better times so that they could understand and build better links to the past. This needed me to resist the temptation to apply my own lens to the events - not to make him out to be an all round amazing guy but to protect them from the worst of their heritage. It would have been of no benefit for my ds for example to know the events that surrounded the day he was born and the fact that his dad was an alcoholic dick who went out of a massive bender the day before, passed out unconscious on the floor and it was only through good chance that he sobered up in time to be present at the birth. That’s my cross to bear and I see no purpose in sharing that as it would hurt ds hugely. There is always a tendency to romanticise the dead and overlook their shortcomings but there is also truth that being frank and honest as some other people have suggested only helps the person saying it. At the moment your kids have enough to be dealing with without you offloading historic grievances.

Do you have friends or family that you can vent to to help process it? When my ex died my first feelings were of deep sorrow, upset and worry for the kids but it also caused me to have to re explore issues which I thought I had long reconciled. Finally putting to bed links to the past and memories that only he and I had shared were difficult but necessary.

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