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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you be happy with this?

72 replies

Indianafrankie · 27/10/2020 16:52

Would you be happy if your partner was sleeping on his ex girlfriends sofa when he went to visit her child? It’s her child not his but for a few years he was the only dad he knew so he calls the child his son, he only sees the child a few times a year for logistical reasons - he just can’t anymore than he does - genuine reasons he’s not just an arse but this means the sofa sleeping is for at least a week at a time. The boy is 11 and he says he does this rather than sleep In a hotel as this is what the child wants. Completely normal or not on? Thanks

OP posts:

weathervane1 · 27/10/2020 16:55

I guess it's totally normal if he is doing exactly what he says - being a good ex-step dad, showing the child that he's still loved and sleeping on the sofa. He could go into a hotel once the child is in bed?

Babysharksmom · 27/10/2020 16:59

I would be uncomfortable with that. Is money a big issue? He could treat himself and child to a night in a hotel

Original poster

Indianafrankie · 27/10/2020 17:06

I agree, it’s important to the child and to him that he is still very much a part of his life and I do support him in this, the child doesn’t know I exist and I’m not sure if this is normal? My children are a bit younger so I don’t know if this is the kind of thing you would tell a child or just keep that side of his life private? Obviously I wouldn’t want to upset a child of course not but not sure if I’m being naive here

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Original poster

Indianafrankie · 27/10/2020 17:07

Money definitely not an issue, simply because it’s what the child wants which I do understand

OP posts:

Greeneyes78 · 27/10/2020 17:12

Erm, no.

I think he’s mugging you off op. He’s kind of given you no option but to accept spinning that line about child wanting it.

Hesfamousforit · 27/10/2020 17:20

The mother is the ex... If he wanted to be a family with her and the kid then he would be?
I don't think you have anything to worry about. I don't know why the step dad can't mention you though.

HollowTalk · 27/10/2020 17:21

What difference would it make to his son if he left the house when his son had gone to bed and came round after breakfast?

Itsallpointless · 27/10/2020 17:38

How long have you been together OP?

I wouldn't be happy with it. If money is no issue, he can stay in a hotel and go there when the child goes to bed, come back early the following morning.

Original poster

Indianafrankie · 27/10/2020 17:41

We’ve been together for just over a year

OP posts:

madcatladyforever · 27/10/2020 17:56

I am an old cynic and I think he is bullshitting you 100%.

Itsallpointless · 27/10/2020 18:06

@madcatladyforever I'm with you on that one

I didn't read the first post properly "sofa sleeping is for at least a week at a time" yes, he's taking the absolute piss! And he's doing it because "it's what the child wants" says who??

Think you need to set your boundaries OP, the child is going to get older and be more demanding with his 'wants'.

Original poster

Indianafrankie · 27/10/2020 18:24

Yes it’s definitely making me think, generally I’m quite laid back and having 2 children of my own would always put the child’s needs first as it’s not their fault that parental relationships break down and at the moment I’m dealing with it as looking at it from the point of view of it only being a handful of times a year but something just isn’t sitting quite right, cheating no I don’t think that or I wouldn’t be with him but maybe a hope that things might change in the future with his ex? I’m just not sure here

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NeverHadANickname · 27/10/2020 18:26

Sleeping on the sofa wouldn't bother me but I see no reason why the child wouldn't know about you.

Aminuts23 · 27/10/2020 18:28

My cousin invites her ex to stay at her house when he comes to visit their DD. He lives and works abroad so has no base here to have her. It’s only a couple of times a year. I’ve always admired that. My cousin is in a very committed LTR now and her DP is ok with it. I’ve always admired it but I’m not sure I’d like it from your end. I think I’d have mixed feelings

Alexandernevermind · 27/10/2020 18:32

I think it says a lot about him as a man that his ex and her son still welcome him into their home, and that he is still bothered enough to be a father figure to child that he has no legal responsibility for.

Itsallpointless · 27/10/2020 18:35

I see no reason why the child wouldn't know about you

Does he say why he doesn't tell his son?

Original poster

Indianafrankie · 27/10/2020 18:41

No he hasn’t said, I don’t want to push it as I know this situation is hard all round for them all, as a mother with 2 children of my own I’m guessing maybe he doesn’t want him to feel like he’s not important anymore- he most definitely is, or that he feels he might be pushed to one side as his dad would be busy with a new family - this would never happen but from a child’s point of view maybe?

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famousforwrongreason · 27/10/2020 18:48

How old is the kid? Sounds dictatorial from the child and weak from the parents. Weak parenting is not sexy

Itsallpointless · 27/10/2020 18:48

It does say a lot about his character to want contact with this child, and that is to be admired. However, I think you need to tell him how you feel.

Do you think you'd feel differently if he told his ex/child about your relationship?

famousforwrongreason · 27/10/2020 18:51

Oh just seen the child is 11. Sounds spoilt at the very least. Really fucked up. What if the mum gets a new partner? Is this guy going to sleep on the sofa then? Or is she single because she doesn't have any need for a new man around while your bf is filling that space?

Original poster

Indianafrankie · 27/10/2020 18:51

The child is 11

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 27/10/2020 18:52

Big old nope.

Time the child came to visit his home and family next...

Original poster

Indianafrankie · 27/10/2020 18:55

I agree it is absolutely a good thing and he has children of his own, I guess maybe I’d feel a bit more a part of his life if he did but I worry about any upset it would cause

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Original poster

Indianafrankie · 27/10/2020 18:57

Yes but here is the thing he said the mother would probably sleep on his sofa too as it’s only fair as he did at hers, he did say maybe she wouldn’t want to but the offer would be there as it’s probably what the child would want

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Original poster

Indianafrankie · 27/10/2020 18:58

She did for a while but that didn’t work out, as for the sleeping arrangements then I have no idea as I wasn’t with him at this point

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