Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you be happy with this?

72 replies

Indianafrankie · 27/10/2020 16:52

Would you be happy if your partner was sleeping on his ex girlfriends sofa when he went to visit her child? It’s her child not his but for a few years he was the only dad he knew so he calls the child his son, he only sees the child a few times a year for logistical reasons - he just can’t anymore than he does - genuine reasons he’s not just an arse but this means the sofa sleeping is for at least a week at a time. The boy is 11 and he says he does this rather than sleep In a hotel as this is what the child wants. Completely normal or not on? Thanks

OP posts:
BrowncoatWaffles · 27/10/2020 19:03

How did the relationship end and how long ago? Who broke up with who?

HeddaGarbled · 27/10/2020 19:06

I think it’s quite mature of them to be able to be civil for the son’s sake. However, I don’t think you are being unreasonable to be uncomfortable with it, and there’s no reason why the arrangements can’t evolve, now that he’s in a serious new relationship. Apart from anything else, a week is a long time to be sleeping on a sofa in someone’s living room, when there are other less studenty options.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/10/2020 19:12

No possible reason an 11 year old has some special need to see his ex step father sleep on a sofa a couple of times a year. Ridiculous.

What’s the reason he can’t have his ex step son at his own place?

Merrz · 27/10/2020 19:19

I assume they live far away from you? If it wasn't genuine why would he tell you?

Monkeytennis92 · 27/10/2020 19:27

I'm in the same situation OP. My DP stays on his ex's sofa for 3 nights every month. Hotel not an option on top of flight money for financial reasons. 100% trust him and I know it's purely for genuine reasons.
Like others have said, it's admiral that he wants to do this for his SS.
My DP's child is 5 and has been doing it for 3 years and I have to say it doesn't get any easier. But if you feel the relationship is worthwhile keep at it

Monkeytennis92 · 27/10/2020 19:29

To answer your specific question I'm not happy with it, but do it because I love my DP

NotaCoolMum · 27/10/2020 19:32

Does his EX know about you?

Original poster
Indianafrankie · 27/10/2020 19:32

It ended around 3 years ago and I’m not sure

OP posts:
iftherewereahorseyinthehouse · 27/10/2020 19:33

There's either something going on in which case you'll find out soon enough and he's not worth worrying about anyway, or there isn't and there's no need to worry. I think you just have to let it play out.

Itsallpointless · 27/10/2020 19:35

I also think at 11 years old he could be told about you.

Is your gut instinct telling you something OP?

Woui · 27/10/2020 19:38

My DP stays at his exes monthly for 2 nights. We have very little contact on these weekends because he is with his children.

I admire the relationship he has with his ex and have no problem with him stay at her home.

My only issue with your circumstances is that the child doesn't even know your name/about you in passing. Which is odd at 11 years old.

Original poster
Indianafrankie · 27/10/2020 19:40

Opposite ends of the country versus work commitments

OP posts:
NotaCoolMum · 27/10/2020 19:40

I think it’s important that his ex at least knows about you otherwise you’re a secret- meaning he’s valuing her feelings above yours x

Original poster
Indianafrankie · 27/10/2020 19:41

Thank you, it’s definitely not easy is it

OP posts:
Original poster
Indianafrankie · 27/10/2020 19:41

No she doesn’t

OP posts:
Original poster
Indianafrankie · 27/10/2020 19:46

Absolutely, my concern is is he worried that if he tells his ex about me - especially as I have children that she will pull the plug on access for him and I wouldn’t want that for him or the child, but I don’t know her so maybe she wouldn’t at all and be happy that he is happy, in which case is he just keeping his future options open?

OP posts:
Monkeytennis92 · 27/10/2020 20:02

The ex didn't know about me for a good while for the same reasons - he was terrified she would use it against him in some way. But she knows now and was fine after all

NotaCoolMum · 27/10/2020 21:02

I get it but is his plan to keep you a se try forever? Surely his ex knows he’ll move in at some point- as will she and then the dynamics will change again. He needs to acknowledge to others that you are a part of his life otherwise it’s really unkind to you. 💐

NotaCoolMum · 27/10/2020 21:02

That should say *a secret

Halliehallie9828 · 27/10/2020 21:05

He’s taking the mick out of you.

Zoesthegirl96 · 27/10/2020 21:13

I wouldn’t be. No way. My sons father and I split up about a year ago and he has had a girlfriend for 6 months (although not quite as serious to the point of the l word and stuff yet which he has told me). And I’ve never met her nor has she met our son but he has told me all about her. He offered me to sleep over in the spare room of his house a few weeks ago because I had to drop off our son late and he knew that I’d be tired driving home late and I had work in the morning. I still declined because I felt it would be disrespectful to his girlfriend. Even if our son told me he’d want me to, I’d take our son out for the day, and stay with him as late as possible and then book a hotel or just drive home late at night. I don’t think conclusions should be jumped to or anything but I still think there’s a boundary. If I was in a relationship and my partner wanted to sleep over at an ex’s for some time and hadn’t even told his ex or child about me after dating for a year I’d be quite upset. It’s not like you are asking to meet him! x

Onthedunes · 27/10/2020 21:34

So twice a year he goes to visit the ex and stays at hers for at least a week.
Does this ex have a current partner?

I knew someone who had a simular situation and she found out the bf went when the ex's partner was on cycling holidays.

I am too an old cynic.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/10/2020 21:51

OP, why do you want to be with someone who keeps you a secret? Who doesn’t want to shout your name from the rooftops? I wouldn’t be with a man who after a year put someone else’s feelings above mine. And I mean the ex, the son will take his lead from his mother and he’s 11, not a baby, well old enough to handle the truth.

Honeyandapple · 27/10/2020 22:04

I don't know why but it reminds me of the threads / stories where there's an 'ex' but the ex doesn't realise she's the 'ex' and is waiting for her DP to come back from the army or working abroad or some such

PlanDeRaccordement · 27/10/2020 22:09

I don’t see any issue with any of it. The sofa sleeping. The not telling the child about you because you’ve only been together a year AND he’s because he’s an ex step dad, not the father.