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Original poster

Would you be happy with this?

72 replies

Indianafrankie · 27/10/2020 16:52

Would you be happy if your partner was sleeping on his ex girlfriends sofa when he went to visit her child? It’s her child not his but for a few years he was the only dad he knew so he calls the child his son, he only sees the child a few times a year for logistical reasons - he just can’t anymore than he does - genuine reasons he’s not just an arse but this means the sofa sleeping is for at least a week at a time. The boy is 11 and he says he does this rather than sleep In a hotel as this is what the child wants. Completely normal or not on? Thanks

OP posts:
borntohula · 27/10/2020 22:13

The kid sounds 'spoilt' based on this? Jesus fucking christ, that's literally just a comment from someone who must actually hate kids.

Original poster
Indianafrankie · 27/10/2020 22:20

Oh I bloody hope not, messing me around would be one thing but my children absolutely no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Indianafrankie · 27/10/2020 22:24

I don’t think he is spoilt, just a kid who misses the only father figure he had in his life, I’m just hoping I’m not emotionally investing into something that deep down he isn’t

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/10/2020 23:08

How much contact do they have between visits? It’s not a meaningful relationship if it’s a couple of visits a year.

How close can they be, how secure is this father/son relationship if he doesn’t feel he can be honest about what’s going on in his life and that he a partner of a year?

Baws · 28/10/2020 00:45

Not even his kid? Weird and I think there is definitely more to it! Hmm

famousforwrongreason · 28/10/2020 01:09

I don't hate kids but I hate people who use kids as an excuse to have their cake and eat it.
If it's true that to avoid upsetting an 11 year old child, someone's ex boyfriend is forced to regularly sleep on their sofa for a week at a time whilst his actual girlfriend is kept a secret from said boy then that's an unhealthy dynamic.

I'd say these are the actions of someone who doesn't understand kids and Ultimately there's going to be a day when that child is bitterly disappointed if the stepdad and his mum don't prepare him for the fact his stepdad has actually moved on and he will also confused by this odd situation which is supposedly designed to keep the child happy.

not being honest and not having adequate boundaries spoils a kid and sets them up for a lifetime of parents pussyfooting around them or the child believing that they have ultimate control over their parents' lives.

Original poster
Indianafrankie · 28/10/2020 01:18

They speak on FaceTime 3-4 times a week

OP posts:
Original poster
Indianafrankie · 28/10/2020 01:19

All he says to this is I am the only dad he has ever known and that’s enough

OP posts:
Original poster
Indianafrankie · 28/10/2020 01:23

I agree with all of this, which i think is why I don’t think he has actually moved on

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 28/10/2020 01:43

I don't see anything wrong with this arrangement, people here are always overthinking everything, and being too suspicious.

CatAndHisKit · 28/10/2020 01:58

Sounds fine based on the info that they are in a good close r-ship with the child as they Facetime 3-4 times a week. Why the heck would he haev to spend on a hotel for a whole week? It's only twice a year too, I'd only be worried if this very frequent.

CatAndHisKit · 28/10/2020 01:59

Also one year isn't that much, though I think he should mention you once you are both sure you are in for a long -term.

Pyewhacket · 28/10/2020 02:18

If you don’t trust him then you need to have that conversation but I doubt he’ll cut contact with the boy and his mother.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/10/2020 09:10

Does he want children of his own?

Frazzle20 · 28/10/2020 09:27

This :

Alexandernevermind

I think it says a lot about him as a man that his ex and her son still welcome him into their home, and that he is still bothered enough to be a father figure to child that he has no legal responsibility for.

Itsallpointless · 28/10/2020 14:20

Would he be happy for your DC dad to spend a week on your sofa? I think if someone can put themselves in another persons shoes truly, and answer honestly, then it helps.

I don't think you trust him OP, and that's the real problem here.

Original poster
Indianafrankie · 28/10/2020 14:58

I’m not sure I would be, I mean obviously if he was desperate and there was literally no way he could stay anywhere else and that meant my children couldn’t see him at all then yes but I don’t think it’s healthy for the children, I think there needs to be clear boundaries for all involved.

OP posts:
JurassicParkaha · 28/10/2020 15:25

Does he ever plan to tell his ex and her child about you? Or are you going to be a secret till the child is 18...?

The sleeping arrangements aren't what's weird. It's the fact he has a whole other life you're not a part of, and they don't know about you. After a year. If he isn't ready to be honest about your relationship with both the ex and child, then I don't think he sees you as a lasting or important part of his life just yet. Ask him when exactly he plans on disclosing his status, tell him how you feel about being hidden, and then decide based on what he tells you.

NotaCoolMum · 28/10/2020 16:11

@JurassicParkaha

Does he ever plan to tell his ex and her child about you? Or are you going to be a secret till the child is 18...?

The sleeping arrangements aren't what's weird. It's the fact he has a whole other life you're not a part of, and they don't know about you. After a year. If he isn't ready to be honest about your relationship with both the ex and child, then I don't think he sees you as a lasting or important part of his life just yet. Ask him when exactly he plans on disclosing his status, tell him how you feel about being hidden, and then decide based on what he tells you.

100% THIS!!
Original poster
Indianafrankie · 28/10/2020 16:25

Yes I think it’s this and the amount of questions this is raising for me

OP posts:
AnaViaSalamanca · 28/10/2020 16:37

Would he sleep on the sofa when she has a boyfriend around as well?

The child is a red herring OP. I think your DP and ex have one of those dynamics of can't be together, can't be apart type of thing. Otherwise children adjust very well to their ACTUAL parents' separation and moving on. It's either your DP trying to keep a foothold in ex's life, or she is using the child to keep him around and maybe get back together. And as PP said, him not mentioning you means that you are not too important to him. Voice your feelings. Men (or people) who think of you as a long term partner would prioritze you over everyone else.

If he doesn't agree or plays for time, I would bin him and move on from this utter weirdness and leave them to it.

WildNorthEast · 28/10/2020 18:26

If money's not an issue, why doesn't he and the boy just book a hotel together for a few nights, just them two? If they're that close then surely this wouldn't be an issue?

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