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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Is my boyfriend gay?

81 replies

Hetty5001 · 27/10/2020 13:09

Any advice for this would be greatly appreciated.
My boyfriend has always been a heavy drinker, he doesn’t go out all the time but when he does there has been times where he hasn’t come back for hours after the bars are shut. I’ve often wondered about this but he has said he’s been at a friends or just wandering around drunk. Stupidly I accepted this and didn’t think anything else of it. However last week I lost my mobile so he gave me his old one, when setting it up it was still signed into his emails so rightly or wrongly (I know a lot of people will curse me for this) I had a look and saw that he had been using a website called fab guys, shocked and out of curiosity I clicked into the email and it allowed me access into the account. There was his profile, no face pictures but a picture of you know what!
I started reading the messages and the times he had been on there had been when he was drunk, some of them were just random messages like hey but one of them was from a man who said do you want to meet again, I replied again??? And the man replied yes we have met before, i said when and he said about a month or so ago. This does tie in with a night out he had.
Now I know I shouldn’t have done this but I’m now questioning my whole relationship. Has he cheated on me.....I’m quite sure, how I don’t know, and is he gay?? On his profile it says bi curious!
I’m just so confused, we have been in a mostly loving relationship and I’m so shocked!l

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 01/11/2020 21:16

Well done. It can’t have been easy. But stay strong. Don’t let him try and turn this around and blame you. He’s treated you badly enough. He should be apologetic for how he’s treating you.

CambsAlways · 02/11/2020 20:36

Dump him, get yourself checked out, he’s a bellend

Ajdf · 11/12/2020 20:39

Well done for taking the first step OP. These guys are always trying to justify why they use the site your talking about. There is forums on their webpage with married guys justifying why it’s ok for them to be on there. Not getting it at home etc etc.

You’ve took a massive step confronting him and keep going towards getting out of your relationship. You’ve got this!!!

CorianderQueen · 11/12/2020 21:59

Sounds like he's a Bi-curious (which means wants to experiment as may be Bi) cheat.

Being Bi isn't the issue - and not all men who fancy men are gay that's Bi erasure - but he is cheating on you and risking your health.

CorianderQueen · 11/12/2020 21:59

Oops just seen this is October, don't mind me.

Hunnihun2 · 11/12/2020 22:02

@Shoxfordian

It definitely sounds like he cheated. Get yourself an std check and dump him
Yes get a full check up OP
Needsadvice197 · 12/12/2020 01:56

Well he’s definitely gay or bi and he’s cheated so I’d suggest you LTB. Echoing others when they say get yourself screened. If you suspect he’s doing this when he’s drunk then it’s likely he hasn’t been using protection. I’m so sorry OP, you deserve honesty and loyalty.

user1481840227 · 12/12/2020 02:37

I hate when people say that his sexuality doesn't matter in these cases, and that all that matters is that he cheated.

Yes in an ideal world women would end it with men the second they cheated and move on straight away, but the reality is that women often want answers and want to know the full extent of the betrayal because it's part of coming to terms with the betrayal!

Also unfortunately not all women will end it with cheaters......so if he is actually gay then of course that is relevant!

Justa47 · 12/12/2020 06:00

I agree with the sti checks but I would also talk to him. Don’t be angry. I think what a lot of women do t realise is most men are bi. Most men do t admit it either !!

Hunnihun2 · 12/12/2020 08:07

@user1481840227

I hate when people say that his sexuality doesn't matter in these cases, and that all that matters is that he cheated.

Yes in an ideal world women would end it with men the second they cheated and move on straight away, but the reality is that women often want answers and want to know the full extent of the betrayal because it's part of coming to terms with the betrayal!

Also unfortunately not all women will end it with cheaters......so if he is actually gay then of course that is relevant!

Personally I would be more disturbed about my boyfriend being gay than him cheating. That’s a whole new problem the fact that he has been having sex with a man!
user1481840227 · 12/12/2020 12:54

@Justa47

I agree with the sti checks but I would also talk to him. Don’t be angry. I think what a lot of women do t realise is most men are bi. Most men do t admit it either !!
Don't be angry? Shock He cheated on her for gods sake!!! or else a random man on fab guys appears to think they hooked up when they didn't Confused

Most men are not bisexual either. It seems like straight-erasure is the new thing now! Confused

Ajdf · 14/12/2020 22:26

These sites are terrible for it. They even have forums wanting guys to swap photos of their wives/gf. Which is downright wrong. OP you have had a very lucky escape.

Star55x1 · 05/01/2021 13:12

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Palavah · 05/01/2021 13:17

@Hetty5001

I’m disgusted that he has cheated on me. I messaged the guy back asking what happened as I can’t remember but he hasn’t replied back. I know this won’t change anything but if anyone has been in this type of situation before it’s kind of like some sort of closure
It's not closure. It will open a whole other set of questions.

He has cheated on you, probably without condoms.

Get an STI test and get your ducks in a row.

Palavah · 05/01/2021 13:18

Aargh Zombie thread!

Star55x1 · 24/01/2021 16:55

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Star55x1 · 24/01/2021 16:55

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Keyla · 25/01/2021 09:15

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Oldraver · 25/01/2021 10:22

Get a grip ? Really Op is being cheated on , Dane as your cheating it your wife you skanky get

dingdongdang9678768687678 · 10/09/2021 12:00

yup

Starlia · 10/09/2021 12:15

@Keyla

I'm a guy and I joined fab guys as bi curious, I'm married and love my wife and have a healthy sex life, I meet guys for maturation and oral, it's just a bit of fun! You all need to calm down and get a grip!
Does your wife know?
crumpet · 10/09/2021 12:27

If your wife knows and is fine with it, not an issue - it’s a situation consented to by all relevant parties. If she doesn’t know, or does not agree then it’s not fine. One of the involved parties has not provided consent.

QueenBee52 · 10/09/2021 15:16

ZOMBIE

Ajdf · 19/09/2021 20:26

Most of these sites that are geared towards gay men are over run with married ‘straight’ men.

One example of this
“Bi married guy from Lanarkshire. I'm in a straight relationship but looking for no strings fun. That's all the pics I have on, pls don't ask for face pics as I will not put up. I can't accom but I can travel. Genuine guy with good sense of humour and horny too.”

A married guy blatantly saying he’s cheating on his wife. It goes on. If you suspect your husbands or boyfriends. Join the site. You can see who’s close by.

DaSilvaP · 25/04/2022 08:17

This might just be my perception of right priorities.
Shouldn't the heavy drinking be a problem to worry about first?
Can you really expect anything good from someone who feels the need for heavy drinking, even if being the straightest and faithfulest possible?

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