Is my boyfriend gay?

[Hetty5001]

Any advice for this would be greatly appreciated.
My boyfriend has always been a heavy drinker, he doesn’t go out all the time but when he does there has been times where he hasn’t come back for hours after the bars are shut. I’ve often wondered about this but he has said he’s been at a friends or just wandering around drunk. Stupidly I accepted this and didn’t think anything else of it. However last week I lost my mobile so he gave me his old one, when setting it up it was still signed into his emails so rightly or wrongly (I know a lot of people will curse me for this) I had a look and saw that he had been using a website called fab guys, shocked and out of curiosity I clicked into the email and it allowed me access into the account. There was his profile, no face pictures but a picture of you know what!
I started reading the messages and the times he had been on there had been when he was drunk, some of them were just random messages like hey but one of them was from a man who said do you want to meet again, I replied again??? And the man replied yes we have met before, i said when and he said about a month or so ago. This does tie in with a night out he had.
Now I know I shouldn’t have done this but I’m now questioning my whole relationship. Has he cheated on me.....I’m quite sure, how I don’t know, and is he gay?? On his profile it says bi curious!
I’m just so confused, we have been in a mostly loving relationship and I’m so shocked!l

He is an actively bisexual cheat and you are the unwitting party both in respect of his sexuality and his extra-curricular sexual partners. He’s hiding a his sexual activity, preferences and explorations from you.

It’s not as rare as you think (my gay best friend has had multiple liaisons with “straight” men) and I guess where you go from here depends on what your thoughts are on having a promiscuous bisexual partner - my opinion is that someone is unlikely to be able to successfully or happily repress their sexuality for the rest of their lives.

However even if you’re really open to exploring his bisexuality with him (or allowing him to itch the scratch alone), he’s already gone behind your back so has already deceived you. He’s lied to you and cheated on you.

I think you need to talk to him and tell him what you’ve seen (take pics on your phone first of the emails/messages so you have evidence). Maybe decide first what you want from any conversation- is this a dealbreaker for you? It would be for me. Good luck whatever you decide OP

well yes, it matters massively to OP. not because of any other reason other than wanting to know "who is the man she married"
why are you trying to diminish how she should feel about her husband sleeping with other men if has never admitted he is attracted to men and sleeps with them. give her a break, it is a double shock.

Bloody hell OP you've been treated appallingly! Are you confronting him?

I’m going to have to confront him at some point just trying to get my head round it all at the moment. It’s hard because I have no job at the moment due to Covid so I’m going to lose everything.

Sorry you have to deal with this.

I have an ex from a long time ago who I recently discovers lives with a man (in a relationship). I had absolutely no idea he was gay, or bi. At all!

Bi, gay, straight, it's irrelevant. He's a cheat and has put your health at massive risk. He is not the good man you thought he was. Dump and run for your life.

This actually happened to my grandmother after 45 years of marriage believe it or not. And it had been happening for god knows how long so just prepare to leave OP. It's a shit situation but you can't stay with this person no matter the circumstances.

Shit like this is why I won't live with a man or share finances. Just see it to much on here!

On one of the messages I read one guy asked if he prefers men or women and he said women.

Well, he is bi then, or at least bicurious, has acted on his bicuriosity and wants to do it some more.

How awful OP. I'm bi/lesbian but it must be a dreadful shock when you weren't expecting it.

And bi people can be monogamous, it's not an excuse for cheating of course.

Thank you so much for all your replies and advice.
I have arranged for a postal STI kit today.
I still haven’t said anything but I am trying to process everything and then will plan what to do.
I’m massively in shock and feel like the last 12 years of my life have been a lie. I just can’t get my head around it as there’s never been any signs, he’s always so touchy feely with me and very loving.
However, when he does drink he does get quite angry with me for no reason and I now know that this is probably the reason why. I always put his anger down to the fact he was in the army for 20 years and had problems dealing with the things he had seen and it all came out when he drank.
I know I shouldn’t have but I’ve gone through the messages to these men and they are never when he is sober only when he’s had a drink, he’s not a regular on this sight and the messages are few and far between, however that doesn’t excuse the fact that he’s been on there, has done things I’m unsure of and has hidden his sexuality from me.

The trust is completely gone now. Definitely sounds like he's cheated. I doubt he met up with the guy off the site for a chit chat

Well I have been replying to messages on there pretending to be him (deleted them after!) and have found out he had a meeting with one of the men on there several months ago in a park near our home!!!
I’m leaving! I have set a plan in action but finally knowing he has met someone and I can only imagine what was happening in a park late at night makes me sick.

Make sure you take photos/screenshots of the evidence!

Him acting "angry" with you when drinking/drunk tbh is enough of an issue separate from the fact he's a bisexual cheater .. to be thinking seriously about the relationship!

I have taken screen shots.
I will confront him tonight, wish me luck

Good luck OP.

But keep in mind that he might be prepared for this moment to come up and that he has several excuses ready to explain his behavior and deny that he's gay.
Be very much aware of any gaslighting on his behalf.

And remember cheating = cheating regardless of the sex of the person they choose to have sex with or their motivation. There's no excuse.

Good luck!

And remember you don't need to 'prove' it! Don't let him gaslight you. You've seen the evidence with your own eyes. All you need to do is tell him it's over and he needs to make arrangements to fuck off pronto.

But the evidence is good for you to have in order to remind yourself, should be try gaslighting and general bullshit in future.

Stay safe!

Been there, so sorry for what you are going through xx

I'm hoping that you got some helpful answers in your conversation Hetty5001.

In the meantime I do wonder whether, by lending you an old phone (he didn't have to do this ), your partner may have sabotaged his relationship with you.

How long has he had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol?

How well would you say you communicate with each other about your feelings on a day-to-day basis?

It seems likely that he's been struggling for a long time with his issues - absolutely not your fault and it's a horrible situation for you both but his behaviour is putting you at risk so you do have to protect yourself emotionally and practically.

Other posters have given sensible advice - get tested for STDs but you both need some space so maybe he needs to stay with a friend for a while.

I suspect your relationship is over and that you won't get all the answers to your questions which will be difficult.

It won't keep you warm at night but something that has helped me in the past is that, a partner who knows what you have to offer and doesn't appreciate you, doesn't deserve you. This is not arrogance, it is self respect. Walk away. There are better options for you than this man.

How is it going OP ? :( Hope all is well xx

I’ve confronted him and he tried to deny it at first but now has admitted he was in this site.
He has tried to turn it round on me and say I’m a psychopath and he was looking for attention but he’s never done anything and he’s not gay! He’s told me it’s over as again it’s all my fault as I was snooping.
I’m at the stage now where I feel i need to put myself first now.
I’ve tried to be as nice as I can about it and said I won’t tell anyone, it’s nothing to be ashamed off if he is but I needed to know but it’s hard to be nice when you’ve got someone trying to blame you for everything.
At the moment I’m going to concentrate on getting my life back in order now.

Textbook narcissist behaviour from him.

I'd let him continue to think he has ended it. Might make it easier to get away from him. But dont stay silent about the fact he was on a site (you dont have to say gay but you shouldnt hide the fact he was meeting folk of a site). Because he is going to try to make you look the bad guy to everyone. That's his next move. To tell everyone you are crazy and possessive.

That being said, it doesnt really matter what other ppl think. But you would be wise to tell those you care about what he has done. Before he can tell them a lot of shite.

Do not be nice. He will see this as weakness and bite all the harder. It isnt your job to protect someone who obviously means you harm. It is your job to protect yourself FROM him.

Seriously though op, find your rage.
And read up on narcissists because his behaviour (gaslighting) suggests he is one. Specifically read up on narcissistic hoovering (things they do to try con you into getting back with them). As this may be his next move. Hopefully he is too scared you will tell people he is gay and so will leave without a fuss. But you absolutely need to protect yourself and knowledge is power. There are some good youtubers on his sort if you search.

But well done on doing the initial hard part of telling him it's done!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️
This has been the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with and I feel like my life has changed so much in such a short space of time. I wake up like I’ve been punched in the stomach every day, but your advice and kind words have really helped me so much, I can’t thank you enough

One day at a time op, you're doing great 🙂