Coping with conflict

[flowersrain]

How do you all manage this? I find conflict very hard to deal with as I see it as a sign that someone is going to abandon me. My boyfriend and I did not have a good evening last night and now I'm terrified I've ruined things.

My mental health isn't brilliant at the moment and I am feeling very insecure - a combination of covid making my job less secure and less fulfilling/enjoyable and some past traumas regarding rejection and abandonment rearing their ugly heads. I've been feeling it for a while now and trying to keep on top of it but when I was with my boyfriend last night, something just triggered me and it all became too much and I had a huge emotional outburst.

I tried to explain I needed some reassurance from him and he did his best to comfort me with cuddles etc but what I wanted to hear were the words 'I want to be with you, I'm happy with you' etc. I spent most of the evening crying and we had a big argument where I said I needed more reassurance from him and he said he feels like I put pressure on him and that he's never good enough even though he tries (he has never told me this before and I wasn't aware of doing this at all). It wasn't fair for me to blow up on him like that and I am left feeling terribly ashamed and guilty.

When I left this morning I apologised and he gave me a hug, and I apologised again by text and he said 'it's ok xx' but it's not really is it? I'm now left thinking that he will probably break up with me (I mean, I'd break up with me). I did not initiate contact with him today as I know he needs space when he is angry or upset. He has messaged this evening saying 'hope you're ok x' to which I apologised again and said I would get help for my issues. I asked if he was ok and he said 'I'm fine'. None of this is giving me any reassurance that he doesn't want to end things.

Part of me wonders (hopes?) if I am overreacting by thinking he will want to end things due to an emotional outburst and that he wouldn't message like he has if he did want to end things but the other part of me is thinking that he is due to come over on Weds and he is having this time to think and will decide that I am too much and that it's not worth it.

I know this is an unhealthy response to conflict. If any of you were in my position, how would you deal with this in a healthy way?

Look up 'Self Fulfilling Prophecy', and you'll maybe discover some traits that could explain why you feel this way.
I do this sometimes. I push people away not because I don't want them in my life but because I have deep seated abandonment issues and a fundamental, almost visceral self understanding gleaned after many years, that hurt people hurt people. And I can't cope with any more hurt so I push people away as an act of self preservation.
I'm lucky though. My DH understands. He doesn't do the reassurance bit that you want from your boyfriend because I'm determined not to be needy and I won't let him. The stronger you become the easier it is to deal with OP.

@pallasathena

Look up 'Self Fulfilling Prophecy', and you'll maybe discover some traits that could explain why you feel this way. I do this sometimes. I push people away not because I don't want them in my life but because I have deep seated abandonment issues and a fundamental, almost visceral self understanding gleaned after many years, that hurt people hurt people. And I can't cope with any more hurt so I push people away as an act of self preservation. I'm lucky though. My DH understands. He doesn't do the reassurance bit that you want from your boyfriend because I'm determined not to be needy and I won't let him. The stronger you become the easier it is to deal with OP.

Thank you . I swing between being needy and pushing people away. I have definitely made some progress on this but I'm not there yet and now I'm just full of self-hatred for being this way and potentially ruining what was a good relationship.

I need to do the work on myself, I know that, and whilst my partner does his best to meet my needs, I need to be able to self-soothe and accept that he is trying, even if I don't feel that my needs are 100% met.

But all that doesn't matter if he is now wanting to end things because of my behaviour. I don't have any concrete evidence that he does, yet when I reflect on things I can't see why he would want to put up with me.

This is not the first time I have been afraid that he will end things after an argument due to my lack of ability to cope with conflict but this time it feels more real.

I could have written this! You're not the only one who does this. My therapist says I need to try to reduce my focus in the relationship, take it elsewhere, when I feel like this. Can you spend some time with friends? Do an exercise class? Or just dive into a box set? Give yourself time and space to recover. And take your boyfriend at his word- if he says it's ok, it's ok.

@elko

I could have written this! You're not the only one who does this. My therapist says I need to try to reduce my focus in the relationship, take it elsewhere, when I feel like this. Can you spend some time with friends? Do an exercise class? Or just dive into a box set? Give yourself time and space to recover. And take your boyfriend at his word- if he says it's ok, it's ok.

omg yes I know, I become totally preoccupied and need to distract. I've spent the whole evening cleaning my house top to bottom!

I suppose he wouldn't say it was ok if it wasn't? I'm just making up stories in my head about him wanting to break up with me but he hasn't really given an indication of that. Yet I'm still convinced it's coming??!!

You mention a therapist - last night has really made me realise how much I need one.

How does your partner manage when you find things difficult?

If you can learn to manage the fight or flight response when presented with a conflict - and it's really really hard to get it properly under control, you'll be half way there.

Reading your post makes me feel anxious; like I need to take long slow breaths for you. I recommend distracting your mind when you get anxious by making positive to do lists, then when the adrenaline has dropped, reading wellbeing/mindfulness books. Don't have serious conversations or make decisions (for you or for others) when you are feeling highly anxious.

A therapist could help with CBT / relaxation techniques.

@pallasathena

If you can learn to manage the fight or flight response when presented with a conflict - and it's really really hard to get it properly under control, you'll be half way there.

Yeah this is what I need to do. Yesterday I could feel myself getting overwhelmed and I was thinking to myself 'what are you doing???' but I couldn't stop it.

Any tips on how to move on from this with my partner (if he wants to)? I have explained that it's my issue and not his and that it was unfair of me to take it out on him, and that I am looking in to getting help.

I won't be seeing him til Weds so we will only have contact by text until then...I guess text is not the best way to discuss something like this but it is in my nature to want to get it sorted asap, I hate things like this hanging over me.

I would text normally, hi how are you type messages. Talk in person when you can explain more.

@Enough4me

Reading your post makes me feel anxious; like I need to take long slow breaths for you. I recommend distracting your mind when you get anxious by making positive to do lists, then when the adrenaline has dropped, reading wellbeing/mindfulness books. Don't have serious conversations or make decisions (for you or for others) when you are feeling highly anxious.

A therapist could help with CBT / relaxation techniques.

Thank you. I'm not usually this bad, I'm just in a bad patch at the moment and I'm finding it all quite scary - scary that my state of mind is so bad, and scary that I have allowed it to affect (end?) my relationship.

I'm not judging, I get panic attacks where I feel I can't breathe. Distraction and relaxation, rather than decision-making helps me.

This is not a thing sorted by discussion. Words are not the answer. Actions are required. For example, don't tell him you are thinking about getting a therapist, tell him when you have had the first session with a therapist.

A healthy way to deal with this conflict might be to not deal with it. You had a row due to you going a bit bonkers at him for no good reason. He may or may not want to stay with you. You have apologised. He is having a bit of time to himself. That's all fine. Nothing else immediate required. Now make sure you don't do it again.

@Enough4me

I'm not judging, I get panic attacks where I feel I can't breathe. Distraction and relaxation, rather than decision-making helps me.

I'm doing my best with these things! I just can't stop the circular thoughts in my head:

'why did I do that?'
'have I ruined things?'
'why would he even want to be with me now?'
'he has messaged - does that mean he's not going to end things?'
'his message is quite short - does that mean he will end things?'
'why couldn't I have just had some self-control?'
'I'm too difficult to be in a relationship with'

Etc, etc. I am distracting but the thoughts are still there.

@PostItJoyWeek

This is not a thing sorted by discussion. Words are not the answer. Actions are required. For example, don't tell him you are thinking about getting a therapist, tell him when you have had the first session with a therapist.

A healthy way to deal with this conflict might be to not deal with it. You had a row due to you going a bit bonkers at him for no good reason. He may or may not want to stay with you. You have apologised. He is having a bit of time to himself. That's all fine. Nothing else immediate required. Now make sure you don't do it again.

Yes, I agree - time will tell. But what if he doesn't want to give it time? I don't think he has given me any indication that he wants to end things but I'm still so scared. I want to fix it now and I can't.

How do I manage the time between now and Weds? Being so anxious I am desperate to just speak to him and explain myself more, or at least message to gauge how he's feeling about things. But I probably just need to give him space and let him come to me. What do you think?

He said it was ok when I apologised
He messaged to ask if I was ok

I need to remind myself of these things before I let the stories I'm making up in my head take over

@PostItJoyWeek and the fact that he said it was ok, and checked in with me this evening are positive signs I think? Hence why I said I need to remind myself of them

I agree with the Actions Not Words post. Why don't you have a browse around the BACP site for a therapist?

I'm sure that posters like @AttilaTheMeercat will have useful links to books you could usefully read too.

The main thing here is not to self-sabotage; give yourself a break and recognise that creating drama which can spiral out of control (that you have to then juggle wildly to manage, and -ironically- need to ask for help with) is just part of a pattern you have got used to. It gives you an excuse to hate yourself and feel shame, thus confirming you are unworthy of relationships. You are not: if nothing else, look around you and take note of the utter cunts you know who have reasonably functional marriages etc . You ARE worthy, and you've got this.

@BitOfFun

I agree with the Actions Not Words post. Why don't you have a browse around the BACP site for a therapist?

I'm sure that posters like @AttilaTheMeercat will have useful links to books you could usefully read too.

The main thing here is not to self-sabotage; give yourself a break and recognise that creating drama which can spiral out of control (that you have to then juggle wildly to manage, and -ironically- need to ask for help with) is just part of a pattern you have got used to. It gives you an excuse to hate yourself and feel shame, thus confirming you are unworthy of relationships. You are not: if nothing else, look around you and take note of the utter cunts you know who have reasonably functional marriages etc . You ARE worthy, and you've got this.

Thank you . I've already found a couple of therapists who work with attachment theory and the Gottman method, so hopefully I can start asap.

Honestly, I look around at the people in functioning relationships and wonder how they do it!

[quote flowersrain]@PostItJoyWeek and the fact that he said it was ok, and checked in with me this evening are positive signs I think? Hence why I said I need to remind myself of them[/quote]
I think you need to accept that he might dump you and that's OK. If that's what happens then you'll be fine, after being sad for a while. Not the end of the world. We date to see if we are compatible. If it turns out you are not and you break up, that's a successful dating experience.

Also, get your head out of your arse a bit and think about what is best for him.

Right now you seem to have this idea that you must keep your man. Relationships aren't Iron Man Desert races where you desperately cling on for mile after bastard mile.

You've lost perspective. Do things that get you out of those mental blinkers of: have man, must keep man. He's not a pet and you are not a gamekeeper. You are two adults, with agency, working out if you make a good couple or not.

You sound EXACTLY like me!! I had to check the name and date to make sure this wasn’t an old post I’d written!!

@Mamadothe

You sound EXACTLY like me!! I had to check the name and date to make sure this wasn’t an old post I’d written!!

Haha! How do you manage these feelings?

@PostItJoyWeek

Also, get your head out of your arse a bit and think about what is best for him.

Right now you seem to have this idea that you must keep your man. Relationships aren't Iron Man Desert races where you desperately cling on for mile after bastard mile.

You've lost perspective. Do things that get you out of those mental blinkers of: have man, must keep man. He's not a pet and you are not a gamekeeper. You are two adults, with agency, working out if you make a good couple or not.

How do I get over the feeling that it's all my fault if it does end? I'm feeling so guilty and ashamed now. I don't want it to end and it's not about clinging onto him - we are a good couple so of course I want to keep him. I just got overwhelmed and took everything out on him which was completely unfair.

You are thinking about relationships in an odd, damaging way. You are trying to mould yourself into a different you, or hiding the real you. You are trying to do the same with him, as evidenced by your fury at him behaving "wrong" the other night.

It's like you and he are robot man and woman who have been allocated to each other and must be programmed to be compatible.

You need a boyfriend who is all over you. That's fine. You probably need some anger management training but that's different.

The other night may simply have shown that he can't be what you need. Based on your description of events, it could be you or him deciding to end it, both would be valid.

It may yet be that the other night will show that you are compatible. He might not be that bothered after all and the relationship continues steonger than ever. You might get some anger management skills training and then some attachment issues therapy, or something.

Leave him alone to think about whether this has a future. You take time to do the same. Is he what you need? Do not character assassinate yourself in the process! His behaviour triggered you. You kicked off. You say this is a thing you do from time time. OK. That's your reality. Is he the fella for you?

Be kinder to yourself. You are who you are. Some people and relationships will wind you up, others won't. Be realistic about yourself. It's hard to read your words that have a theme of "I need to stop being me because I am bad." You need a compatible partner that's all. Current man might be it or he might not. If not, bullet dodged, learn what you need in a man and move on. If so, great, he likes you: let yourself deal with it

If you reflect on why you over-analyse, rather than the content of your thoughts, you will see you are driving this anxiety. That is why distraction could help - pull yourself out of your thoughts.

Poor you op. It's probably clashing attachment styles - I have this a bit in my relationship and its not fun.
I found this article helpful
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-freedom-change/201503/overcoming-relationship-anxiety-and-feeling-good-about-it

Also the book " Attached" by Amir Levine/Rachel Heller is really useful

Try the app headspace when you're in the middle of an anxiety attack. It helps me so much. Lots of free mindfulness bite sized exercises. No weird music. Please download it and listen to it over and over until you feel calm.