Coping with conflict

[flowersrain]

How do you all manage this? I find conflict very hard to deal with as I see it as a sign that someone is going to abandon me. My boyfriend and I did not have a good evening last night and now I'm terrified I've ruined things.

My mental health isn't brilliant at the moment and I am feeling very insecure - a combination of covid making my job less secure and less fulfilling/enjoyable and some past traumas regarding rejection and abandonment rearing their ugly heads. I've been feeling it for a while now and trying to keep on top of it but when I was with my boyfriend last night, something just triggered me and it all became too much and I had a huge emotional outburst.

I tried to explain I needed some reassurance from him and he did his best to comfort me with cuddles etc but what I wanted to hear were the words 'I want to be with you, I'm happy with you' etc. I spent most of the evening crying and we had a big argument where I said I needed more reassurance from him and he said he feels like I put pressure on him and that he's never good enough even though he tries (he has never told me this before and I wasn't aware of doing this at all). It wasn't fair for me to blow up on him like that and I am left feeling terribly ashamed and guilty.

When I left this morning I apologised and he gave me a hug, and I apologised again by text and he said 'it's ok xx' but it's not really is it? I'm now left thinking that he will probably break up with me (I mean, I'd break up with me). I did not initiate contact with him today as I know he needs space when he is angry or upset. He has messaged this evening saying 'hope you're ok x' to which I apologised again and said I would get help for my issues. I asked if he was ok and he said 'I'm fine'. None of this is giving me any reassurance that he doesn't want to end things.

Part of me wonders (hopes?) if I am overreacting by thinking he will want to end things due to an emotional outburst and that he wouldn't message like he has if he did want to end things but the other part of me is thinking that he is due to come over on Weds and he is having this time to think and will decide that I am too much and that it's not worth it.

I know this is an unhealthy response to conflict. If any of you were in my position, how would you deal with this in a healthy way?

@ChristMyArse

I've read your posts and most of what you say scrams 2 things at me.

1. You are not in control. When I fall out with my OH I can't stand it, and will go out of my way to fix it even when I'm not in the wrong. This is because I can't control the situation, and as soon as that happens I freak out. It took therapy for me to understand that when everything is fine, I'm fine... When an argument happens I lose control of how it makes me feel and I will do anything to make myself feel better.. therefore putting myself back in control of my own feelings. Everything you have said resonates with me regarding this.
2. If it's meant to be it will be. It's as simple as that. I put my OH through hell in the first 18 months of our relationship. I pushed him away, was a nasty shit sometimes and pushed him to his limits due to my own insecurities. He never wavered. It wasn't always roses, and we had some huge conversations but 7 years down the line we are still happy and I adore being with him. He stuck with me because he loved me and was invested in "us".

This guy sounds like he's given in easily, therefore he's not the right man for you as much as right now you think he is. If he was sweetheart you wouldn't find yourself in this position.

Seek help, become comfortable with yourself. You will meet the right one, this one isn't the right one for you xx

Your number comment really resonated with me as that’s exactly what I do, how did you deal with it?

Don't read into him going to a pub quiz instead of talking to you. The break up will be equally painful for him, and it's his way of coping, keeping busy, not dishonouring other commitments. And no way would it be a short conversation of 15 mins when you're dealing with a break up. So I would respect the fact he wants to give you a decent amount of time to discuss it, and not before he's doing something else.

I think your focus here is still too much on how he's reacting and what he's feeling. What you need to focus on is you weren't getting what you want from the relationship, in terms of time and commitment. And he's done the kind thing by ending it now rather than dragging it on. Just because he decided he couldn't give you what you wanted doesn't mean he doesn't care for you or that it all meant nothing. It just means you both gave it a red hot crack, and he's realised that he can't give you what you want.

At the end of the day, it is his relationship too that ended, and he is allowed to mourn it how he wants. If you've ever ended it with someone you'll know how agonising it is to hear their upset and explain the heart breaking decision all over again. It's not pleasant and you need to be in the right headspace to do it. He cannot give you closure without being brutally honest. So the kindest thing you can do is to stop pushing the issue with him, accept that you just don't work together and he wasn't fulfilling your needs of a relationship. This way you can grieve the loss and not beat yourself up. Not every relationship ends in forever after. Lots of hugs to you, as i can know how devastating it is. But don't beg, chase or pursue now. Let it go, and let him go gracefully. You'll feel a lot better if you do. Hugs.

@PostItJoyWeek

He is not the one for you. Begging him, calling him, no, stop. You can do better.

You got upset because you realised he is not as committed as he said. This is all now evidence confirming it. You were right. He is gone. Block and delete.

Yes. This is it in a nutshell. If he wasn't committed and clearly didn't really care for me, why am I so upset? I have been physically sick today with emotion.

@JurassicParkaha

Don't read into him going to a pub quiz instead of talking to you. The break up will be equally painful for him, and it's his way of coping, keeping busy, not dishonouring other commitments. And no way would it be a short conversation of 15 mins when you're dealing with a break up. So I would respect the fact he wants to give you a decent amount of time to discuss it, and not before he's doing something else.

I think your focus here is still too much on how he's reacting and what he's feeling. What you need to focus on is you weren't getting what you want from the relationship, in terms of time and commitment. And he's done the kind thing by ending it now rather than dragging it on. Just because he decided he couldn't give you what you wanted doesn't mean he doesn't care for you or that it all meant nothing. It just means you both gave it a red hot crack, and he's realised that he can't give you what you want.

At the end of the day, it is his relationship too that ended, and he is allowed to mourn it how he wants. If you've ever ended it with someone you'll know how agonising it is to hear their upset and explain the heart breaking decision all over again. It's not pleasant and you need to be in the right headspace to do it. He cannot give you closure without being brutally honest. So the kindest thing you can do is to stop pushing the issue with him, accept that you just don't work together and he wasn't fulfilling your needs of a relationship. This way you can grieve the loss and not beat yourself up. Not every relationship ends in forever after. Lots of hugs to you, as i can know how devastating it is. But don't beg, chase or pursue now. Let it go, and let him go gracefully. You'll feel a lot better if you do. Hugs.

Thank you. I kind of understand where you are coming from re him going to the pub quiz rather than calling me but by doing that he is showing he is only concerned with himself and doesn't give a shit about how I am coping post bombshell, especially as he gave me no real answers when he came round to break up. I am not begging anymore, I am just so incredibly hurt and I don't know how to cope.

Looking back I can see there were many issues

• I fitted around his schedule and when it was convenient for him to see me. There was no joining of lives really
• I had to mask my emotions if I was upset for fear of not being the fun girlfriend he wanted
• any conversation that even hinted at a future was met with dismissive or jokey comments unless I had warned him in advance that I wanted to talk about these things
• he lacked emotional intelligence and would never have really been able to support me

But I twisted and contorted myself to try to make it work and it still wasn't good enough. I think that's what hurts.

And I'm not sure if you're familiar with online dating but it is truly dire. It took me years of regular dating to meet him. I don't see how I will ever find anyone else

I just feel so much loss. No longer being part of the couples' circle of friends that we were in, no longer being a 'girlfriend', no longer having someone else to think about/buy little presents for, no longer having someone to share things with (even if I did have to mute my sadness because he couldn't cope with emotions), no longer having someone to do 'nothing' with, no longer having the lovely bike rides and pub visits we did, no longer having that one person who cares about you (or so I thought)...the list goes on

Hard as it is I think I would not answer his half hearted phone call! He has made his feelings plain. I think you have lots of self awareness and know what you need to work on. When you have sorted out some of these then start looking for a new boyfriend who is more compatible with you. This guy has run at the first sign of trouble which is not what you want in a long term partner. Look after yourself and make your next relationship more mutual rather then you clinging on for dear life xxxxxx

@Sunflower1970

Hard as it is I think I would not answer his half hearted phone call! He has made his feelings plain. I think you have lots of self awareness and know what you need to work on. When you have sorted out some of these then start looking for a new boyfriend who is more compatible with you. This guy has run at the first sign of trouble which is not what you want in a long term partner. Look after yourself and make your next relationship more mutual rather then you clinging on for dear life xxxxxx

Thank you. He messaged this morning to say he would call this evening if I wanted but he understood if not - such a cowardly get out! I told him not to bother and that his lack of call yesterday told me everything I need to know.

I can't believe he would treat me like this.

And how am I supposed to look for a new boyfriend or even just get used to the idea of dating/being with someone else when we're being locked down again next week? It was so comforting to have him throughout the first lockdown, even if he could only see me twice a week because of commitment issues/he wanted a gf who would fit in with his life (or so it seems to me looking back on it). Now I am completely alone.

@Sunflower1970 in the text exchange this morning he even had the cheek to tell me that he is upset and missing me - well boo fucking hoo, he made this decision. And why would I believe anything he says now after all his verbal assurances about commitment were untrue?

He has shattered my world, I am being physically sick from the emotional angst yet he goes off to a pub quiz with his mates and then tells me he's upset? He has no idea.

Looking back I gave so much and received little in return. I lost a lot of myself to this relationship which is why I was so desperate to make it work, and is probably why I am so devastated now.

Now I am completely alone.

I lost a lot of myself to this relationship which is why I was so desperate to make it work, and is probably why I am so devastated now.

This is the key to your happiness.

Build your own life that has nothing to do with your current squeeze. Focus all your efforts into that.

What do you want to do? Who do you want to be? What type of friends do you want? What would you do with them? Is there anything you want to learn? Quantum physics, carpentry, singing? Community involvement? Volunteering somewhere for something, joining a committee, cleaning up rivers? Fitness? Run a fast 5k, lift heavy weights, do the splits, join a netball team?

I think people tend to be happier when they are stretched for time to fit in having a romance.

I really feel for you. Hard as it is maybe use this lockdown to really have a hard think about what you want from life and changes you could make to make yourself happier. Pinning your hopes on one person will always make you disappointed. Making new friends and joining things will make you much more fulfilled and happier inside. Hope things get easier for you.

@Sunflower1970

I really feel for you. Hard as it is maybe use this lockdown to really have a hard think about what you want from life and changes you could make to make yourself happier. Pinning your hopes on one person will always make you disappointed. Making new friends and joining things will make you much more fulfilled and happier inside. Hope things get easier for you.

Thank you so much, I just feel so lonely. I live alone and I have no idea how to get through the upcoming lockdown.

What I want from life is a fulfilling and committed relationship. It all seems hopeless with this new lockdown.

I am doing my best to distract myself - I have a job interview next week so I am trying to prepare for that but my concentration is just gone. I am working on myself too - I had my first therapy session today.

I know he wasn't right for me - the meltdown I had on the Sunday was an expression of all the angst I was feeling as I subconsciously realised he could never commit. I know it wasn't right, yet I'm still in so much pain.