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Original poster

Coping with conflict

61 replies

flowersrain · 26/10/2020 22:32

How do you all manage this? I find conflict very hard to deal with as I see it as a sign that someone is going to abandon me. My boyfriend and I did not have a good evening last night and now I'm terrified I've ruined things.

My mental health isn't brilliant at the moment and I am feeling very insecure - a combination of covid making my job less secure and less fulfilling/enjoyable and some past traumas regarding rejection and abandonment rearing their ugly heads. I've been feeling it for a while now and trying to keep on top of it but when I was with my boyfriend last night, something just triggered me and it all became too much and I had a huge emotional outburst.

I tried to explain I needed some reassurance from him and he did his best to comfort me with cuddles etc but what I wanted to hear were the words 'I want to be with you, I'm happy with you' etc. I spent most of the evening crying and we had a big argument where I said I needed more reassurance from him and he said he feels like I put pressure on him and that he's never good enough even though he tries (he has never told me this before and I wasn't aware of doing this at all). It wasn't fair for me to blow up on him like that and I am left feeling terribly ashamed and guilty.

When I left this morning I apologised and he gave me a hug, and I apologised again by text and he said 'it's ok xx' but it's not really is it? I'm now left thinking that he will probably break up with me (I mean, I'd break up with me). I did not initiate contact with him today as I know he needs space when he is angry or upset. He has messaged this evening saying 'hope you're ok x' to which I apologised again and said I would get help for my issues. I asked if he was ok and he said 'I'm fine'. None of this is giving me any reassurance that he doesn't want to end things.

Part of me wonders (hopes?) if I am overreacting by thinking he will want to end things due to an emotional outburst and that he wouldn't message like he has if he did want to end things but the other part of me is thinking that he is due to come over on Weds and he is having this time to think and will decide that I am too much and that it's not worth it.

I know this is an unhealthy response to conflict. If any of you were in my position, how would you deal with this in a healthy way?

OP posts:
Original poster
flowersrain · 27/10/2020 19:07

@QuentinWinters

Poor you op. It's probably clashing attachment styles - I have this a bit in my relationship and its not fun. I found this article helpful www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-freedom-change/201503/overcoming-relationship-anxiety-and-feeling-good-about-it

Also the book " Attached" by Amir Levine/Rachel Heller is really useful

Thank you, I am working on my attachment style but I have a long way to go! I have heard lots of good things about that book and have just ordered it. Thank you for your help.
OP posts:
Original poster
flowersrain · 27/10/2020 19:09

@Opaljewel

Try the app headspace when you're in the middle of an anxiety attack. It helps me so much. Lots of free mindfulness bite sized exercises. No weird music. Please download it and listen to it over and over until you feel calm.
Thank you, I'll give it a go - I'll try anything at the moment!
OP posts:
QuentinWinters · 27/10/2020 21:01

Thank you, I am working on my attachment style but I have a long way to go!
Aww. Its how you are wired and not a bad thing. Your partner is contributing to the dynamic too and sounds like he might not be that supportive. Don't take all the blame yourself

madcatladyforever · 27/10/2020 21:05

Axe fight - that's generally how I want to deal with conflict. probably why I live alone.

JurassicParkaha · 27/10/2020 21:48

I have had this before. Felt I've gotten too emotional, or moody, or had some kind of PMS related meltdown, and then felt anxious that my bf would leave me. And then gotten into a spiral where i knew he needed space, but my worry that he wanted to end things made me act even needier. And certainly pushed away some men who found it all too much.

However, I have now learnt 2 very valuable things.

  1. Self soothing is very important. It is unfair to expect any person to be a punching bag for your emotions, but also it is very empowering where you can get out of your own mind talk and invest all your energy in a relationship. I found throwing myself in physical activity really helped - the endorphins force a sort of calm. So maybe try a long walk, gym class, run etc.
  2. The right man will understand and tolerate this to a certain extent. ONLY if you give them space and time to process their own feelings and emotions.

When you see him, have an honest conversation with him asking him how HE feels, what he wants from you, whether he is happy in the relationship. Since the last time you got to unload your worries/fears, this time let him do the same, and listen to him. Do not make it all about you. And then you can discuss how you BOTH can improve your relationship.

In the meantime seek out CBT (there's online resources if you can't manage counselling), and find hobbies/activities (not work or house related) that will occupy your time and help you re-focus on the most important person in your life - you.

JurassicParkaha · 27/10/2020 21:49

*not invest all your energy in a relationship

Original poster
flowersrain · 27/10/2020 23:41

@QuentinWinters

Thank you, I am working on my attachment style but I have a long way to go! Aww. Its how you are wired and not a bad thing. Your partner is contributing to the dynamic too and sounds like he might not be that supportive. Don't take all the blame yourself
He definitely tries, he has made a lot of progress since we first got together. I suppose we are just two imperfect people trying to work out how to meet each other's needs whilst also ensuring our own are taken care of. Not easy!
OP posts:
Original poster
flowersrain · 27/10/2020 23:43

@madcatladyforever

Axe fight - that's generally how I want to deal with conflict. probably why I live alone.
Haha! Tbh I spent a long time alone out of choice so that I could avoid the difficulties of a relationship and the conflicts that inevitably arise.
OP posts:
Original poster
flowersrain · 27/10/2020 23:47

@JurassicParkaha

I have had this before. Felt I've gotten too emotional, or moody, or had some kind of PMS related meltdown, and then felt anxious that my bf would leave me. And then gotten into a spiral where i knew he needed space, but my worry that he wanted to end things made me act even needier. And certainly pushed away some men who found it all too much.

However, I have now learnt 2 very valuable things.

  1. Self soothing is very important. It is unfair to expect any person to be a punching bag for your emotions, but also it is very empowering where you can get out of your own mind talk and invest all your energy in a relationship. I found throwing myself in physical activity really helped - the endorphins force a sort of calm. So maybe try a long walk, gym class, run etc.
  2. The right man will understand and tolerate this to a certain extent. ONLY if you give them space and time to process their own feelings and emotions.

When you see him, have an honest conversation with him asking him how HE feels, what he wants from you, whether he is happy in the relationship. Since the last time you got to unload your worries/fears, this time let him do the same, and listen to him. Do not make it all about you. And then you can discuss how you BOTH can improve your relationship.

In the meantime seek out CBT (there's online resources if you can't manage counselling), and find hobbies/activities (not work or house related) that will occupy your time and help you re-focus on the most important person in your life - you.

Thank you, I identify with everything you have said and I will definitely take your advice onboard. I have given him space (which has been horribly painful for me) and he has messaged me this evening like normal. Not looking forward to having a conversation about it because I am so embarrassed but it has to be done. I am working on keeping myself distracted and have an initial session with a therapist on Thursday. It can't come soon enough, I really don't want to be like this.
OP posts:
BitOfFun · 28/10/2020 09:00

Congratulations on booking a therapy session! You won't look back.

Original poster
flowersrain · 28/10/2020 22:18

He ended it. 19 months and it's all over.

He said he loves me but that he's not making me happy. I begged him to stay, explained that it was my issues and not him and that he does make me happy, and asked him to give me a chance to work on myself and show him this. He wouldn't.

I had asked him about commitment previously and he said he wanted a future with me etc so why wouldn't he do the work?

It took me years to find him and I feel like there's no hope of finding anyone else. He was avoidant and 'emotionally retarded' as he put it, but we got on so well. I can't believe he would throw it all away like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
flowersrain · 28/10/2020 22:44

Please can someone offer some words of advice? I don't know how to cope

OP posts:
Enough4me · 28/10/2020 22:57

You need to grieve what you hoped this was and would lead to, but once you accept the loss then reflect on what you need in the future.

So focus on meeting your needs for now to take this in. Plan to meet (socially distanced or zoom) a trusted friend or family to get support and see a friendly face.

Original poster
flowersrain · 28/10/2020 23:18

Why wouldn't he stay and let me work on things? Isn't that what a relationship is partly about - supporting each other etc? He said he loves me but surely if he did he would stay?

OP posts:
Enough4me · 28/10/2020 23:23

He isn't a possession and has feelings too. He must have decided he couldn't see a future and did not want to pretend otherwise as that could cause more pain in the long run.

Original poster
flowersrain · 28/10/2020 23:32

@Enough4me

He isn't a possession and has feelings too. He must have decided he couldn't see a future and did not want to pretend otherwise as that could cause more pain in the long run.
He did pretend otherwise, he told me he wanted to settle down and have kids etc.

I had to ask about it 18 months in though because he wasn't good at talking about this stuff. Maybe that pushed him away? That, and my emotional outburst that he couldn't cope with?

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 28/10/2020 23:42

I had to ask about it 18 months in though because he wasn't good at talking about this stuff. Maybe that pushed him away? That, and my emotional outburst that he couldn't cope with?

Which part of this makes him a partner you could rely on?

ChristMyArse · 29/10/2020 00:00

I've read your posts and most of what you say scrams 2 things at me.

  1. You are not in control. When I fall out with my OH I can't stand it, and will go out of my way to fix it even when I'm not in the wrong. This is because I can't control the situation, and as soon as that happens I freak out. It took therapy for me to understand that when everything is fine, I'm fine... When an argument happens I lose control of how it makes me feel and I will do anything to make myself feel better.. therefore putting myself back in control of my own feelings. Everything you have said resonates with me regarding this.
  2. If it's meant to be it will be. It's as simple as that. I put my OH through hell in the first 18 months of our relationship. I pushed him away, was a nasty shit sometimes and pushed him to his limits due to my own insecurities. He never wavered. It wasn't always roses, and we had some huge conversations but 7 years down the line we are still happy and I adore being with him. He stuck with me because he loved me and was invested in "us".

This guy sounds like he's given in easily, therefore he's not the right man for you as much as right now you think he is. If he was sweetheart you wouldn't find yourself in this position.

Seek help, become comfortable with yourself. You will meet the right one, this one isn't the right one for you xx

ScabbyHorse · 29/10/2020 10:10

Thinking of you today. Hope you can get through this okay. I am going through a very similar thing at the moment, very difficult.

JurassicParkaha · 29/10/2020 10:48

Everything @ChristMyArse has said is true.

Some men just want an easy life, and to feel like they are making their partner happy. They don't have the emotional tools to deal with anything out of the ordinary, or volatile emotions/outbursts - as much as he may have loved you and wanted a future with you. But he has made a decision that the bad times outweigh the good, and that's ok. It shows you he is not the right, compatible partner for you.

Sure, you can work on your attachment style etc. But no one is perfect or completely emotionally healthy. So please don't beat yourself up. You just need to find a guy who loves the ups with you so much, he can weather the downs. As much as you think he was a great guy, he was never going to make you happy in the long run. Loving people is accepting their flaws and giving them room to grow, seek help - if they are willing. He wasn't willing to do that, and it's his choice. He is allowed to seek the type of relationship that makes him happy.

I do empathise as I have had this same break up conversation too. But have also met men who didn't mind it or care, and it wasn't an issue. So you will absolutely find someone who loves every bit of you, even the crap ones, and with that relationship you will find yourself growing less volatile and more secure. Be kind to yourself, mourn the end of the relationship, and then when you're ready get back out there.

Original poster
flowersrain · 29/10/2020 23:30

@ChristMyArse @ScabbyHorse @JurassicParkaha

Thank you so much for your kind words, @ScabbyHorse I'm sorry you're going through the same thing, it's so painful.

I messaged to ask if he could call me, not to argue but to help me to understand because things had been so good and this all came out of the blue. He replied that he would 'try' to call me tomorrow but that he couldn't today because he was too busy...I later found out that he was at a pub quiz. That tells me all I need to know I think. What are your thoughts?

And reflecting on the emotional outburst on Sunday, it was to do with him really. 4 weeks ago (after 18 months of the relationship) I asked him if he saw a future with me. He said yes, and so I asked if we could work towards building something - we were only spending one evening during the week and half a day and evening together at the weekend. He was initially ok with this but I did come up against some resistance. On Sunday he made a couple of non-committal comments about the future which made me realise his heart wasn't really in it and he was never going to commit and I think that's why I got so upset really.

The fact he doesn't even respect me enough to give me 15 mins of his time before a pub quiz after he shattered my world last night just baffles me. I am at such a loss - at times confused, others angry and then just so upset. If he tries to call tomorrow I don't think I will answer - his response today has told me everything I need to know. He just doesn't care.

OP posts:
Original poster
flowersrain · 30/10/2020 01:19

Does anyone else have any thoughts or advice? I'm feeling so sad and alone

OP posts:
PostItJoyWeek · 30/10/2020 07:18

He is not the one for you. Begging him, calling him, no, stop. You can do better.

You got upset because you realised he is not as committed as he said. This is all now evidence confirming it. You were right. He is gone. Block and delete.

PostItJoyWeek · 30/10/2020 07:19

Can you meet up with a friend for tea wine and sympathy?

ScabbyHorse · 30/10/2020 09:50

You're welcome OP, I feel like I know very well the way you are feeling in the situation, I react like that to relationships too. It's so hard to know how to make things better, and sometimes you just can't. Please don't let it put you off trying again some day, when you have properly healed.

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