Ex boyfriend reached out during no contact - How should I take this?

[Bour]

We were together around 6 months and we're getting pretty serious. I'm 28 and he's 31. He dumped me a few weeks ago because he was suffering with his mental health. He was having breakdowns and neglecting our relationship. He was there but wasn't there.

He said he needed space and time. I begged him the first minutes after he dumped me but then picked my dignity off the floor and accepted it. I decided to go no contact for a week and he's reached out. He called me 5 times and I eventually picked up. He asked how I was and it took all my strength to say "I'm fine you?" When I wanted to say I miss him so much. He told me how he's been talking to a therapist and is going to be better he promises. I told him I was happy for him and we had a little small talk. He said when he's feeling better, he'd love to try things again, if I could ever forgive him. I didn't really respond to that because I wanted to say I'd love that but didn't want to give the impression I'm desperate. I chatted with his Mum who told me he's spent a lot of time around here since the breakup and he's getting better. Should I now continue with my no contact? Should I check in on him?

If you went NC a week ago what was happening during those weeks when he’d dumped you? Were you in contact during that time?

He sounds like he is making positive steps.

You would need to take it very slow and prioritise your feelings if you were to try again.

@SilverRoe

The first few weeks after he dumped me, we were sleeping together on and off. He was getting drunk to mask his problems so I decided to cut all contact physically.

@nancybotwinbloom

I agree with this, I haven't thought about my feelings for a while. I put him infront of my own. I need to get back to myself again.

Don't let all the power be in his hands.

You were sleeping together "on and off" after he had supposedly dumped you? Does being dumped mean something different now?

He just wanted to be able to go and shag loads of other people. Make sure you get a STI test, is my advice, whether you take him back or not.

Well it seems from that that he was ok to be sleeping with you and using alcohol but now in five days he’s made an effort? Personally, i’d want to see much longer than that with him seeking help. It sounds like he’s messed you around loads and if he was doing that for a few weeks off the back of a six month relationship - well, it doesn’t look good.

Of his mental health has been that bad he probably needs time to sort himself out. Do you really want to be dragged into more supporting him/being messed about for what is a pretty embryonic relationship?

I was all for potentially working up to giving him another chance until you said you continued to sleep with him after he dumped you...

I'm sorry but that's not a good look.

Hes basically been getting a shag with no commitment to you whatsoever. You ignored him for a week and he knows exactly what to say to get back in your good books and get more sex.

I'd make a bet with you right now he will worm his way back in with empty promises and not actually commit to any relationship with you, but continue to use you for sex.

He sounds like a bell 🔔 OP. Id leave this one well alone.

I can't stand these men who dump for no real reason or regard for feelings. It gives them all the power and control and he is likely to do it again.

Nope, I’d be running away from this one.

Way, way, way too early.

He needed space and now you need space.

Tell him you'll be focusing on yourself and he needs to get better for himself, not for any reason related to you.

If he is better in a few months he can contact you then and see if you're around and happy to chat to him but it's too soon now.

FWIW a man who dumps you, knows it isn't what you wanted but continues to shag you on and off isn't a decent guy in my opinion.

Best case in those situations is that he's weak and selfish, worst case is he's a user, manipulative and selfish.

OP , 28 and 31 is too old for this. 5 months as bf and gf, now 1 month just shagging with no ties. Is it worth it ? The law of diminishing returns says your value is not going up for him and that's not a relationship.

I know I shouldn't have slept with him, he's just so good in bed I couldn't help it, as soon as we both sobered up the next morning we both regretted it.

So I've continued no contact since my post yesterday and he's called me 4 times, I picked up and acted casual. He asked how I was doing and I answered very blunt but not rude. The phone got cut off because he was in the train station and he tried calling back. I haven't answered.

I'm definitely going to be focusing on myself now and remaining with the no contact. I feel like I got the shagging out of my system and don't need him in the bedroom now. I still want him and miss him but I'm remaining strong.

Aww fuck him. If he can be arsed he will.

Don't sell too sell yourself short about the sex. It's a
Two way thing I

People don’t ‘get better’ from mental health problems in 5 days. It’s more likely his balls are full and he wants somewhere to empty them (sorry for being crude). I’d give it a total break for at least a few months and then see how you feel with a bit more distance. If he respects you he’ll understand. 5 months is nothing and you shouldn’t be having problems in that phase of your relationship apart from walking funny because of the amount of shagging you’re doing. I’d suggest telling him you don’t want him to be in contact and then block him. Cold Turkey is the hardest but best way to move on quickly.

Block him and move on.hes using you.

Same situation. Split up after ten months due to issues on his side but stupidly ended up sleeping together a few times. He has a lot to sort and relationship is on hold. Having read this, I’m thinking I should be going no contact instead of trying to support him and stay in touch.

@Monsteraponstera

I definitely recommend No Contact, it's so liberating and gives you so much power. It helps you heal too!

They DO reach out and it's up to you to respond or not but when I did respond, I acted neutral and unbothered.

Since my last update on Tuesday when he called me and I picked up then it cut off, he DID call me back and asked if we could meet for coffee to talk. I refused. I continued no contact for a few more days and he's reached out by text explaining how he's feeling and asked me to give him some time, a few months to get out of this depression. He doesn't want to lose me etc etc. I haven't responded to the text but it does help me to move on RIGHT NOW knowing he's suffering and missing me. I'm focusing on myself right now, I wake up everyday feeling so much more positive.

I wouldn't support him @Monsteraponstera , you cannot he his councillor if you want him back. You need to keep the attraction so you need to be the woman he fell for. Strong, independent. He won't have any respect if you sit there supporting him. Men like a challenge and a chase. Go No contact, you will think you'll lose him but you won't, they always come back! It's up to you during no contact to decide if he's what you want.

What about what is healthy for you.

You were only together 6 months and you now know he has...issues. This isn't like finding out years into a marriage.

If you give this person another chance, your mental health will suffer longterm. I wouldnt be surprised if he also felt he could lift and drop you whenever he felt like it, moving forwards.

Wish him the best and move on.

Run fast. My bff had one of these - so much drama and back and forth. He wasn’t well, but he also wanted to use her as an emotional crutch of sorts. She wasted nearly two years on him! And it’s ravaged her self esteem.

Bour, thank you. So you’d recommend no contact? I’m scared if I don’t stay in touch, that will be the end. However he’s in a position where he really can’t offer me a relationship anytime soon unless he makes drastic changes to his life and he’s reluctant to do so. He wants me around him but won’t make the changes needed to give a relationship. And I’m the fool who loves him.

And how long is reasonable to wait for someone to sort themselves?

Sorry but you sound like you're enjoying being chased around by this guy.

@Monsteraponstera

He needs to WANT to change! Unless he's making any efforts to sort his issues out then forget it. Men can't multi task , they try and spin lots of plates at once but can't. He cannot sort his head out while having you around. He needs no contact from you to give him a reality check!
It's nice being begged back after they dump you , I'm not enjoying it but it's nice to see him suffer after hurting me tbh. It's like a big F U.

@Monsteraponstera I wouldn't put a time frame on waiting for him, I'd heal and get back to yourself, when he reaches out see how you feel.

Your attitude to men is really off, OP. According to you - Men can't multitask, they enjoy the chase, you won't lose him by NC, they always come back.... which makes for a really skewed dynamic. You say in the same post you are not enjoying it but "its nice to see him suffer".

I think he's better off out of it.