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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex boyfriend reached out during no contact - How should I take this?

74 replies

Bour · 26/10/2020 20:13

We were together around 6 months and we're getting pretty serious. I'm 28 and he's 31. He dumped me a few weeks ago because he was suffering with his mental health. He was having breakdowns and neglecting our relationship. He was there but wasn't there.

He said he needed space and time. I begged him the first minutes after he dumped me but then picked my dignity off the floor and accepted it. I decided to go no contact for a week and he's reached out. He called me 5 times and I eventually picked up. He asked how I was and it took all my strength to say "I'm fine you?" When I wanted to say I miss him so much. He told me how he's been talking to a therapist and is going to be better he promises. I told him I was happy for him and we had a little small talk. He said when he's feeling better, he'd love to try things again, if I could ever forgive him. I didn't really respond to that because I wanted to say I'd love that but didn't want to give the impression I'm desperate. I chatted with his Mum who told me he's spent a lot of time around here since the breakup and he's getting better. Should I now continue with my no contact? Should I check in on him?

OP posts:
Bour · 29/10/2020 14:07

Men do like a challenge though, men love the chase? isn't it always the man who pursues the woman? When they want someone they do anything to get them. I can't be the only one who thinks this??

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 29/10/2020 14:12

Some people like that. Some don't. It's a massive and reductive generalisation, unhelpful in many cases, to state "men do...". (or indeed "women do...").

And no, of course it isn't the man who always pursues. Where do you live, the 18th century???

workhomesleeprepeat · 29/10/2020 14:14

@Bour do you read a lot of romance novels or watch a lot of Disney?

You have a very one dimensional view of men, and are making a lot of sweeping generalisations in your most recent post.

SOME men love a challenge, a chase etc, some men don’t. Just like some women. Men are just...people.

Your really need to broaden your horizons on this. Treat people as the individuals they are.

workhomesleeprepeat · 29/10/2020 14:16

And omg it’s not only the man who pursues the woman am actually 🤣🤣🤣🤣 that you think this

Monsteraponstera · 29/10/2020 14:18

I want him in my life so much but I know I can’t wait for my life to pass by while he gets his life together.

Bour · 29/10/2020 14:18

Had no one read that book "why men love bitches" ?

OP posts:
Monsteraponstera · 29/10/2020 14:18

I’m just not into playing games, I’m too old for it and I worry no contact will wreck the bond between us.

workhomesleeprepeat · 29/10/2020 14:19

We’re going by one single book now?? I missed the memo 😂😂😂😂

Bour · 29/10/2020 14:20

It's my experience with men? They're always the ones texting and calling when dating etc.

I CANT be the only one who thinks like this!!!

OP posts:
CleverCatty · 29/10/2020 14:21

I would run a million miles from someone with mental health issues, unless they were dealing with them, medicated etc and even then I'm not sure I'd stay in a relationship.

I dated one guy very briefly who told me he had a depressive condition - he was a school-friend of my DB, never again. He's dating now and seems fine but he was awful to be with, because of his condition with me.

PatriciaHolm · 29/10/2020 14:22

No. And speaking as someone with 30 years experience … ;--) it sounds like bollocks!

No one book is going to Solve Relationships for you. Men are not one amorphous mass of The Same. Nor are women.

Bettereveryday1 · 29/10/2020 14:23

Don't to be smug OP.

I had a similar situation with an ex. I was secretly loving him begging for a month and suffering.

He was suffering but he was also shagging 5 different women as he was a very attractive guy. I found out a year after we got back together and his attitude was tough as we were broken up.

CleverCatty · 29/10/2020 14:25

@Bour

It's my experience with men? They're always the ones texting and calling when dating etc.

I CANT be the only one who thinks like this!!!

Hmm yes, but as a few posters have said your view is a bit old fashioned.

'Some' men like the chase etc. My ex-boyfriend didn't like me to e.g. take control in bed or seduce him, that's why he's an ex. He was nice in other ways.

My ex-DH didn't care if I chased or he chased. I was told by a platonic male friend (whom I also dated, mistake!) that I should be more elusive. Bollocks to be more elusive!

There is a load of rubbish out there on dating sites, in dating books etc. If someone likes you, they like you, if they don't they don't. Game playing is a waste of time.

workhomesleeprepeat · 29/10/2020 14:27

@Bour

It's my experience with men? They're always the ones texting and calling when dating etc.

I CANT be the only one who thinks like this!!!

So I take it you’ve dated every man in the world, ever, to come to this conclusion?

Look OP, I agree that women should not make themselves into free therapists for men who need to sort themselves out.

But the kind of stuff you are spouting about how men ‘are’ is just hilarious!! 🤣🤣

CleverCatty · 29/10/2020 14:28

@Bettereveryday1

Don't to be smug OP.

I had a similar situation with an ex. I was secretly loving him begging for a month and suffering.

He was suffering but he was also shagging 5 different women as he was a very attractive guy. I found out a year after we got back together and his attitude was tough as we were broken up.

Oh actually yes this - but not with me with a friend of mine. She met her ex boyfriend through a volunteer activity they did together, he was lovely blah blah blah but had a mental condition - he had another side girl on the side and loved the playing games and so on involved. She found out a few months in that he was 'seeing someone else' but he also had his breakdown etc, which he was then cured from. Happily extricated himself from it when it suited by according to my friend he loved the drama!
SpongeWorthy · 29/10/2020 14:29

When a relationship is healthy there isn't a chase or a game.

Both people are equally into each other and it feels easy, intuitive and natural.

It just progresses at a lovely, healthy, fun, equal pace and both people stay level headed while laughing lots, fancying each other loads and learning about each other.

A well balanced woman isn't a prey animal waiting to be caught, or a submissive stepford wife waiting for a man to persuade her to submit.

A well balanced woman doesn't play games because she only wants a relationship if it's healthy and happy.

I've read why men love bitches, yes. My point still stands. Well balanced, healthy minded men don't love bitches or pushovers. Well balanced, healthy minded women don't love men who view them as stereotypes with a manual for use.

When it's healthy, it's easy.

Jroseforever · 29/10/2020 14:32

Op
I’ve been in a similar situation
The difference?

I was 14, and boy in question was 15.

You’re both too old and far too early on in your relationship for this sort of nonsense

Bour · 29/10/2020 14:34

I'm not on about relationships, I'm talking about dating. Men like chasing when dating don't they?! I agree in a relationship there shouldn't be games etc.

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 29/10/2020 14:37

Some do. Some don't. PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT.

If you are waiting on the man to do all the chasing, you are being very unfair to him. And I know just as many men who would be turned off by having to make all the running all the time that would be engaged by that.

SnaggleBeast · 29/10/2020 14:40

Is he not just trying to get with someone else and keeping you as a back up?

Jroseforever · 29/10/2020 14:40

@Bour

I'm not on about relationships, I'm talking about dating. Men like chasing when dating don't they?! I agree in a relationship there shouldn't be games etc.
Op

Are you very young for your age?
And or very inexperienced with with opposite sex?

Bour · 29/10/2020 14:53

I've always been in long term relationship and they all started with the man pursuing me then as things got serious it would be equal? I've always thought most men like a chase. This recent bloke is the first man I've dealt with who has emotional baggage but to be fair he's also the first man I've dated with a kid and recently separated.

OP posts:
SnaggleBeast · 29/10/2020 14:57

So he's going back to his ex?

D00MGL00M · 29/10/2020 14:58

See, I know plenty of men who hate this type of shit. If a woman they're interested in acts like she's not sexually interested in them, they don't keep at it thinking she'll change her mind if they chase enough or see her as kind of object to win. Most of the young men in my family would keep trying to get a woman into bed if she's said no. They've been taught to leave a woman alone if she acts uninterested or says no. Don't get me wrong, I know men who've taught their sons otherwise and who still teach their daughters that when a boy at school hurts them it's because he secretly likes her.

I know some men do get a thrill and kick from thinking they've worn a woman down but such men often treat women a bit crap in other ways. It's a bit of an old fashioned view with undertones of women meaning yes when they say no.

I'd be not getting back with your ex. You deserve better than being messed about like someone to picked up and dropped when he wants a shag unless yours ok and willing to have a friends with benefits type of arrangement rather than an exclusive committed one.

Bluetrews25 · 29/10/2020 14:58

I just don't get why you are desperate for this dump-but-shag-you-anyway type to come back?
Did you never watch Jeremy Kyle?

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