Ex boyfriend reached out during no contact - How should I take this?

[Bour]

We were together around 6 months and we're getting pretty serious. I'm 28 and he's 31. He dumped me a few weeks ago because he was suffering with his mental health. He was having breakdowns and neglecting our relationship. He was there but wasn't there.

He said he needed space and time. I begged him the first minutes after he dumped me but then picked my dignity off the floor and accepted it. I decided to go no contact for a week and he's reached out. He called me 5 times and I eventually picked up. He asked how I was and it took all my strength to say "I'm fine you?" When I wanted to say I miss him so much. He told me how he's been talking to a therapist and is going to be better he promises. I told him I was happy for him and we had a little small talk. He said when he's feeling better, he'd love to try things again, if I could ever forgive him. I didn't really respond to that because I wanted to say I'd love that but didn't want to give the impression I'm desperate. I chatted with his Mum who told me he's spent a lot of time around here since the breakup and he's getting better. Should I now continue with my no contact? Should I check in on him?

Just seen your last post.

He's probably stringing the mother of his child along too. I had wondered when you said he rang you from the train station and lost signal if he was in a long term relationship already.

If he's trying to "win you back" then why wouldn't he have rang when he wasn't distracted in a train station. If I was trying to discuss getting back together with someone or discussing something important to my personal life I'd do it at home when it's quiet and private.

6 months in it should all be a wonderful and exciting bed of roses. Leave him be. You're young and it would be better to find someone who loves you, you have fun with and not all this drama.

He'll be alright as a FWB as the sex is great but I think I need to find a stronger man who's not dealing with mental health. He seems really weak emotionally

He seems good at convincing you he has mental health problems which is convenient for covering up the fact that there's someone else.

There's not someone else, I know his ex and all his family and friends

There's not someone else, I know his ex and all his family and friends

How does this mean there's nobody else?

The someone else may not be just ex and his family/friends may be unaware.

I'm not saying there is someone else, but the reason you gave isn't a reason why there couldn't be.

Personally, I couldn't be dealing with a guy dumping me, then calling me, telling me about his head all over the place and that he'd maybe come back in a few months....no. I'm not going to be messed around like this.

I have no problem with someone ending the relationship if they're not happy with me....but then just go away and leave me alone to get on with my life.

He wants sex.

Men can multi task plenty when they want to

He sounds like he is keeping you dangling so he can pick you back up if he doesn't get a better offer all this calling give me time etc etc whats he doing when he isnt around you?

Honestly after 6 months you should still be having fun not dealing with "drama" move on find a grown up with less issues

Please be kind but we were actually living together , that's how I know he wasn't with anyone else

I definitely agree I need a proper grown up man , he's too weak. He's amazing in bed so I could keep him as a fwb but that's it.

He'll be alright as a FWB as the sex is great but I think I need to find a stronger man who's not dealing with mental health. He seems really weak emotionally

So you treat him mean to keep him keen, knowing he has MH issues and is 'emotionally weak'. You sound like a right catch!

I'm calling bullshit on this whole scenario.

@Bour

I definitely agree I need a proper grown up man , he's too weak. He's amazing in bed so I could keep him as a fwb but that's it.

Well aren't you just a peach! He's emotionally weak because he's dealing with mental health issue because he's not long separated from his ex and child. And now, after shagging him, and trying to play hard to get and other stupid games, you've decided he's just a FWB?

I call bullshit

I'm not treating him mean? I'm going no contact because he dumped me and basically asked me to put my life on hold while he fixes himself.

@Bour

Please be kind but we were actually living together , that's how I know he wasn't with anyone else

Well that's a brand new piece of information! Quelle surprise!

MN can be so nasty sometimes!

Please don't go back there, and don't do the FWB your already emotionally involved with this guy because of your past and as the song goes if your under him, your not going to get over him.
Being involved in sex with him will stop you finding someone else, and as he is emotionally vulnerable it will mean he might think your an item and think when you move on your cheating and then you have all the guilt that creates with family and friends.
Make sure any meet ups are in groups so your not tempted by sex, protect your heart and may 2021 bring you love with a strong loving man.

@Bour

MN can be so nasty sometimes!

I think calling someone emotionally weak, who is recently separated, because they're struggling with mental health issues is pretty unpleasant tbh.

Leave him to it, work on your bizarre attitude towards men and relationships, and date someone a bit more compatible.

HTH

Him living with doesn't mean he hasn't shagged his ex or anyone else when he's left you.

People are saying you've been mean because you've implied you are making him think you're not interested because you've got some weird idea that men like women to pretend they aren't interested as they like being chased.

He didn't leave his ex for you did he? You said recently separated so I'm wondering if his head is all over the place because he thinks he may have made a mistake going from one long term relationship straight to another before having time to process and get over the first. Absolutely do not wait around for him. But don't play mind games with him either. Don't answer his calls if you want it to be over.

If he genuinely has mental health problems that doesn't make him weak at all. The male suicide stats are frightening and people using terms like "weak" in regards to mental health problems is why you've been called mean. Your latest info makes it sound a bit different to how you presented it at the start and it's starts to sound like maybe you aren't good for him either with your ideas if men doing all the chasing and being weak if they have mental health problems.

If a bloke was saying his girlfriend has admitted mental health problems after leaving the father of her child (possibly for him) and needs some space for a little bit, and says she must be emotionally weak and he doesn't want an emotionally weak woman long term, but because she's so good at fucking he might just keep her around for that he'd be given a much much harder time than you have.

People are trying to point that your old fashioned views on what men should be, are a bit shit if what you've said is true.

The age old problem of men who want sex but don't want the bother of a relationship...

Who cares if he has MH problems or not? It's not the OP's responsibility, and it's not an excuse to treat other people badly. Most violent criminals have mental health problems or a personality disorder of some sort, it's not an excuse for their behaviour.

The man here is the one doing the dumping and messing around, the OP is trying to make sense of it. Obviously there is no written manual of the exact wording she should use for this!

Obviously there is no written manual of the exact wording she should use for this!

I’m sorry but the op started fine and then went on to call him emotionally weak for having depression. If that’s not a wording problem then it’s damn right ignorant.

You’re not being honest with yourself. Read your first post about how desperate you were to have him back. Amazing sex is a regular feature of emotionally abusive relationships.

He doesn’t respect you and you’re not respecting yourself by keeping him around, by letting him into your vagina.

You can do far, far better.

Please be kind but we were actually living together , that's how I know he wasn't with anyone else

This is very naive.
Have you not heard of married couples who live together and one has an affair?

Living with someone is no barrier to seeing someone else if they want to.

I remember a man who couldn't believe his wife was having an affair. He dropped her to work, he picked her up...when could she possibly have an affair he said.

Well she did...she met the OM during lunchtime and would take annual leave without her DH knowing...so he dropped her to work...she walked in after kissing him and the after he drove off she would either get a taxi to the OM or he would pick her up from work and drop her back in time for her DH to pick her up.

If someone wants to cheat they will.

Again...I'm not saying your Ex is or was cheating...but the reasons you give are no cast iron guarantee that he wasn't.

Bear this in mind for future relationships. Living with someone, unless they are housebound and you never spend any time apart, or unless you are monitoring them via security cameras is the only way you could say they aren't physically cheating.

Yes, my ex managed to cheat on me for years despite rarely going out and never so much as coming home from work late.

@IncandescentSilver

The age old problem of men who want sex but don't want the bother of a relationship...

Who cares if he has MH problems or not? It's not the OP's responsibility, and it's not an excuse to treat other people badly. Most violent criminals have mental health problems or a personality disorder of some sort, it's not an excuse for their behaviour.

The man here is the one doing the dumping and messing around, the OP is trying to make sense of it. Obviously there is no written manual of the exact wording she should use for this!

But we don't actually KNOW that he's treated her badly. The way the op has framed it, they were FWB previously. At some point he split from his ex and child and he and op embarked on what seems like a whirlwind relationship, resulting in them living together within a 6 month period. He has then said he is finding things a bit difficult (maybe it's regret, maybe he's just a manipulative prick, we don't actually know) and says he needs some time to sort his head out. But they still end up shagging, presumably by (drunken) mutual consent, and then op decided to go NC (or play hard to get, based on her later comments) to get him to pay attention and she's admitted the key reason she's after him is because of his sexual prowess.

She then states that actually she needs a 'real' man (ie the string 'big boys don't cry stereotype) and that maybe she'll just go back to bring a FWB. That all sounds pretty shallow, way too much drama and that they're incompatible.

That said, we have no way of knowing either way, do we? If he's stringing op along with his ex in the background then she should definitely LTB, but her attitude towards male mental health in concerning and probably something she should address.