Would you want to know?

Aquamarine1029 · 26/10/2020 05:08

You stop this nonsense by putting an end to it. The solution is not a big mystery.

Why are you risking everything, your marriage and your job, by throwing a grenade into your own life? Give your head a wobble.

Original poster

Lostatsea1988 · 26/10/2020 05:17

Aqua I appreciate that, I know the only possible response to this situation is grow the fuck up and stop behaving so despicably... I am under no illusions that anyone will tell me differently. But I would like to know, if you would want to know, in this situation. I convince myself yes, then no, and I cannot confide in anyone to discuss what is best. For my husband, not for me.

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MsDogLady · 26/10/2020 05:53

OP, this began last December, and afterward you were eaten up with guilt for betraying your wonderful husband. You’ve since made a fool of him 2 more times with this OM. I think he deserves to know the truth about his life and marriage.

Shoxfordian · 26/10/2020 06:05

Are there issues in your marriage? You need to address those honestly with your husband

Dontletitbeyou · 26/10/2020 06:06

Put yourself in his position . If he had kissed a colleague 3 times , on seperate occasions I am assuming , would you want to know . As it’s a work colleague I’m also assuming you spend a fair amount of time in their company, so this getting drunk and kissing nonsense could very easily happen again . Yes you got it in one really , you need to grow the fuck up and it should be obvious what you should be doing . Tell this man in no uncertain terms that this can never happen again , don’t put yourself in a position where this COULD happen again . He’s married himself so he’s no better than you . Why would you risk your marriage for someone like that , someone who sees no problem in cheating on his wife . But I guess it would be hard to take the moral high ground , all things considered .

If you can behave in a way that you would hope and expect from him ( your DH), in the future , I’d say learn your lesson and get your shit together . If you dont think you can do that , come clean and let him decide what he wants to do for himself . You may not have been shagging but in my book it’s still cheating , I reckon probably he’d feel the same .

Greeneyes78 · 26/10/2020 06:14

Yes I would want to know if i was married to a liar and a cheat.

In my early twenties had my ex husband have been truthful I never would have married him so I’m big on telling the truth and letting people decide where there life goes.

As for give your head a wobble, a slap more like.

And ffs he’s married too, how low can you go.

KatherineJaneway · 26/10/2020 06:14

Why are you kissing your colleague? There must be a reason for your actions so I would start there.

Greeneyes78 · 26/10/2020 06:15

*their

Original poster

Lostatsea1988 · 26/10/2020 06:15

Shox there are no issues :( I know that sounds ridiculous because you'd say there must be issues for me to have done this but objectively speaking we have a wonderful life. We laugh all the time and have a very carefree and to be honest pretty charmed life. And (to the best of my knowledge) there are none in my colleague's marriage. I don't even like him 'like that' - he infuriates me, he can be dismissive and i can hand on heart say I don't know how his wife puts up with him but there is something 'there' clearly.

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trappedsincesundaymorn · 26/10/2020 06:20

Tell him. It's up to him to decide if he want's to stay with someone who will lie and cheat. He will find out one day, so it is a case of how much humiliation you are prepared for him to suffer.

Original poster

Lostatsea1988 · 26/10/2020 06:28

and i can hand on heart say I don't know how his wife puts up with him ok so before someone jumps on that comment I need to clarify I mean he's infuriating and lazy rather than a cheater. Clearly i am a cheater too.

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Greeneyes78 · 26/10/2020 06:30

Yet you’re still eating the face off him.....

Shoxfordian · 26/10/2020 06:30

If you're otherwise happy with your husband then I don't think you should tell him because you'd just be blowing up your life

Can you make sure you aren't with this coworker alone in future? Don't drink around him. Make sure nothing happens again

Original poster

Lostatsea1988 · 26/10/2020 06:31

dontletitbeyou: thank you for the advice...I think this has got to be early enough in its tracks to stop. There's been a pattern (beyond the drinks i mean) and I can make sure we are not in this situation again.

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Dontletitbeyou · 26/10/2020 06:31

The fact you say there is something clearly there ,makes it very likely that this will happen again at some point .
Just tell your DH , you say you have a wonderful life , but yet you’re still creeping round behind his back . He definitely deserves better than a cheat for a wife . But you won’t though , because you know he’ll prob kick you out and you’ll lose everything . You sound immature and selfish , and by blaming everything on the drink you’re not even taking responsibility for your actions . You and this guy deserve each other .

yelyah22 · 26/10/2020 06:44

Agreed with PP - 'there's something there' makes it sound like you felt compelled to do it, like you're not in control.

You are. This is not fate or animal magnetism or all-consuming chemistry you can't deny - you made the decision to kiss your coworker, a good step would be accepting responsibility for that.

If you truly believe you won't do it again I don't think I'd tell your husband, but I don't think you believe that unfortunately.

KatherineJaneway · 26/10/2020 06:59

there are no issues

There clearly are or you wouldn't be acting how you are acting.

Kintsugi16 · 26/10/2020 07:01

I think this has got to be early enough in its tracks to stop. There's been a pattern (beyond the drinks i mean) and I can make sure we are not in this situation again.

I agree.
Ensure you’re not in that situation again.
Remove the trigger

lunalulu · 26/10/2020 07:27

I don't know why, but this feels a bit like you wanted to tell someone you've done this.

It's not sensational. It's very basic. And this whole 'connection' with him could deeply wound people who love and trust you two.

Of course don't tell your husband. This is a situation where you need absolute self-discipline and to just stop it.

Stop it because it is self-indulgent and pointless, and could ruin everyone's lives.

Hiccupiscal · 26/10/2020 07:39

I wouldnt tell him... you have a wonderful, chamed relationship as you put it, and you know you're an idiot.

I found out someone significant had crossed me, about two years ago. Apparently only messages, nothing more, I have never ever looked at them the same way. It had ruined everything. They're still in my life, but the paranoia is always there, the how could you, hits at stupid times eg. We are out having a wonderful time, and these thought will consume me, when I should be enjoying the moment.

If it was just as simple as a kiss, or messages, that didn't accumulate to a huge affair, then I absolutely wish I didnt know, and could still view that person the same way.

Now.... if it was a huge affair, with emotions, sex, long term then I would absolutely want to know, and get out ASAP.

My opinion is not going to be popular, but in this instance, you know you're a twat, you know it can't happen again. So go above and beyond to make sure it never does. If there is a next time, you absolutely must tell your DH.

He deserves better anyway, honestly, but if you think for a second your relationship will continue after he knows, I suggest you don't tell him. I honestly wish I didn't know about my person's "misdemeanours" ....it opens up a whole can of worms of if your capable of this, what else are you doing?

So in my opinion, of your situation, i am saying not to tell him, but never, ever put yourself in a position where something could happen again.

No drinks with colleague, no alcohol if it can't be avoided, I'm guessing your not chewing his face in front of the whole office, so never, ever any alone time with this man. Its quite simple to not put yourself in the situation. Avoid and where you cant avoid totally, don't put yourself in a situation where it can happen - eg. Being under the influence.

Original poster

Lostatsea1988 · 26/10/2020 07:49

I absolutely did want to tell someone, so i can ask: would you want to know? Should i tell him? In all honesty I don't really have anyone I can ask in real life because pretty much of all of our friends are mutual friends and it wouldn't be fair on them or him for me to discuss it with them. There are a couple of girlfriends back in the UK I could ask but I'm ashamed of myself to be blunt and don't want them to know.

I agree I need to just not be around him. The difficulty is that we have a lot of mutual friends and my husband / his wife is going to realise something is up if we cease contact. I absolutely know what I should do to eliminate any chance of this ever happening again I just don't know how to execute it without the truth unravelling.

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Hiccupiscal · 26/10/2020 08:10

@Lostatsea1988

I absolutely did want to tell someone, so i can ask: would you want to know? Should i tell him? In all honesty I don't really have anyone I can ask in real life because pretty much of all of our friends are mutual friends and it wouldn't be fair on them or him for me to discuss it with them. There are a couple of girlfriends back in the UK I could ask but I'm ashamed of myself to be blunt and don't want them to know.

I agree I need to just not be around him. The difficulty is that we have a lot of mutual friends and my husband / his wife is going to realise something is up if we cease contact. I absolutely know what I should do to eliminate any chance of this ever happening again I just don't know how to execute it without the truth unravelling.

I dont get it op, so you kiss this man when you're in the company of friends/significant others?

It is simple, surely?
Don't be under the influence, or alone, with this man.

You can still be "around him" in a normal sense, but don't bloody kiss him?! Or out yourself in a situation where you are able to! Start thinking of him as someone totally out of bounds (which he is! Youre both married!!!)
I assume you know people you don't find attractive... think, the old neighbour from across the road, with the pot belly and smells of cigarettes, you manage not to kiss him dont you?
Same applies. You just don't do it.
Think of colleague the same way.

Seems you are making excuses, you're in control of this?! You don't have to make a song and dance of never speaking to him ever again.

Just don't go being a cheat?!!?!!

booboo24 · 26/10/2020 08:31

it reads very much like you want everyone to believe there is some sort of magnetism that goes way above and beyond that of 'normal' cheating, like it has some sort of higher force, and you're making every ridiculous excuse under the sun for it to have to happen again. It isn't....he is an average sleaze happy to get his end away behind his wife's back, and I'm sorry but you're no better. Your situation is being replicated every second around the world sadly. Would it all feel so fatalistic when your spouses found out and you're both free and single to have each other? Of course not, so it's very simple and easy for it not to happen again, if that's what you truly want

Mumoftwo1994 · 26/10/2020 08:34

@Lostatsea1988

I have now kissed my colleague three times. We are both married. The first time I was so drunk I wasn't even sure it had happened, but I know now it did. It hasn't gone any further than kissing when drunk but on the most recent occasion it could have, if I hadn't left. It needs to stop and I know that, but I don't think I should tell my husband and risk everything over three kisses.

I am prepared for the flaming. I know I deserve it. But please tell me what I should do. I can't ask anyone in real life.

Don't tell him as long as you can deal with any guilt, even kisses could end a marriage and I'd certainly be fuming with DP. Learn from this and stop, it's probably more like a forbidden fruit situation. Wanting what you know you can't/shouldn't have.

Newtoittoo · 26/10/2020 08:35

Absolutely do NOT tell your husband.

If you tell him, you are simply transferring the responsibility of the future of the relationship on to him. (The caveat being that you have to be confident that the OM will never say anything...)

If you want to stay with your husband you obviously have to STOP this messing about and pull yourself together.
If you choose to tell him, that knowledge will change the dynamic of your relationship forever.
If you want to stay with your husband, make sure you know why you are staying as opposed to leaving - so you are actually making a clear decision one way or the other.
I am not suggesting a 'get out of jail free' card scenario, but if you truly want to stay with your husband and have realised you've been an idiot and won't be and idiot again - telling him will likely end your marriage over 3 kisses. (This sentence needs to be taken in the context of the rest of my post as I absolutely understand that your husband would not be happy about you kissing another man!)

If you don't want to stay with your husband, you only have to say something along the lines that 'it isn't working'... Telling him gives him no advantage just additional hurt.

I am saying this from the perspective of someone who was told about a similar indiscretion... (I also fully expect to be roasted as this does not seem to be the traditional view)