Would you want to know?

[Lostatsea1988]

I have now kissed my colleague three times. We are both married. The first time I was so drunk I wasn't even sure it had happened, but I know now it did. It hasn't gone any further than kissing when drunk but on the most recent occasion it could have, if I hadn't left. It needs to stop and I know that, but I don't think I should tell my husband and risk everything over three kisses.

I am prepared for the flaming. I know I deserve it. But please tell me what I should do. I can't ask anyone in real life.

Your drinking is causing huge problems and may lead to your marriage breaking down. If you only do things like this when you're drunk then for god's sake stop drinking.

There are few enough nice, decent men around. If you have one in your husband then don't be so stupid as to ruin things.

I’m not sure what’s worse.

Getting pissed and cavorting with a man who like you is married not once but three times

Or

Deciding your home, your finances and your own security and peace of mind are more important than the heart and life you chose to trample over three times of someone who loves you.

Actually when you write it down it’s obviously the latter.
I despise this keep your mouth shut to save their feelings when really it’s about saving your own unfaithful skin.

Only cowards have affairs.

@Lostatsea1988

Shox there are no issues :( I know that sounds ridiculous because you'd say there must be issues for me to have done this but objectively speaking we have a wonderful life. We laugh all the time and have a very carefree and to be honest pretty charmed life. And (to the best of my knowledge) there are none in my colleague's marriage. I don't even like him 'like that' - he infuriates me, he can be dismissive and i can hand on heart say I don't know how his wife puts up with him but there is something 'there' clearly.

Sounds like the only thing 'there' is that you're a complete arse.

I'd solve that one, if I were you.

*This wasn't a mistake.

It's a pattern of unfaithful behaviour that is a sign of your character.

That's uncomfortable to hear, I know, and I'm not damning you or saying you're evil but doing this three times while with a man you say is wonderful, who you are happy with means this is a symptom of you wanting attention / thrills / risk. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that because I would feel it was a matter of time before they fucked up again as it's a character / personality thing not a one off drunken mistake.*

This.

I'm afraid others too have picked up on the sensationalising/thrill aspect of this. You do come across as rather spoilt. You have a gorgeous fun rich husband, a great life, sex, soaring career. So ... you snog someone else's husband, just because ... he is your lap dog? He says he wants to fuck you?

I'm holding back here on my full judgement, but for now I'll just say:

Hold on to your gilded life. If you can. But I suspect it's all too nice for you.

OK there is lots to think about here. I know I've been horrible.

The drinking is an issue. It's ingrained in the culture here it's how people socialise. Childish but true. But I need to find a way out.

Do I discuss with colleague (this must not happen again and if it does I'm telling my husband) or just never speak of it again and avoid him?

I’d want to know, but only so I could stop being made a mug of and leave him. If you want your marriage to survive, you don’t have to tell your DH, as it will get it off your chest, while making his life more difficult. Just stop. With what you’ve said about your job, you’re almost risking more career-wise than you are at home, wtf are you thinking?

Don’t speak to the OM about it, that just gives the two of you even more of a bond/secret between you that you’re discussing it. Stop making a fool of your allegedly lovely DH and sort yourself out, or the decision will be taken out of your hands if someone finds out.

Do I discuss with colleague (this must not happen again and if it does I'm telling my husband) or just never speak of it again and avoid him?

Why are you behaving like you're passive in this and need to get him to agree to not snog you again?

How about you don't snog him again. It's a two person decision so if you don't do it, it doesn't happen. Done.

You sound like you're really into drama and angst to be honest, by the fact one of your potential next steps is to speak to the guy at work about it?!

You sound young, entitled and to be honest like you're cruel to your partner for even considering this to be how someone acts when they love someone.

Again, you said you were sick with yourself and couldn't believe you did this to your wonderful husband when it first happened less than a year ago.

Then did it again.

Then did it again after that.

You need to think about whether it's fair for your partner to be with someone willing to risk a relationship with him for a snog (or three) with someone they don't even really like as a person, much less have feelings for.

I think I'd want to know if my wife was a cheater. Given that you were pissed when you did this how are you going to know someone else didn't see this happening and tell your husband. Hence the reason to fess up but you probably won't.

"How about you don't snog him again. It's a two person decision so if you don't do it, it doesn't happen. Done."

Fair. I won't speak to him about it. You're both correct

It’s amazing that every single time someone is in this position, they cannot leave their workplace. Every single time.

Your career can’t be that important to you if you’re prepared to jeopardize it by getting drunk enough to kiss a colleague multiple times. I think you’re very naive indeed if you think there’s nobody at work with any suspicion.

I think you need counselling to work through why you’re risking your career and your marriage, both of which you describe as important to you.

In the meantime - you’re risking your career and your marriage when drunk. Stop drinking.

You need to do three things

• Stop getting drunk, get help for alcoholism if necessary
• Stop kissing the OM and take responsibility for your bad decisions
• Tell husband about the 3x kissing and that you are doing 1&2 above.

I don’t think kissing is cheating. But it is a betrayal of trust that you should not hide and keep secret. Having a secret like that is more likely to destroy the marriage than being honest in my opinion.

Lust is intoxicating and completely addictive. It makes us do very, very stupid things. You need to be immensely strong to pull away from it and so need to make sure as PP have said to keep away from him or any situations you could,be alone. No exceptions.

This will give you thinking and reflection time.

As for telling your DH ? Maybe you need to do some deep self reflection 1st as to why you are (subconsciously) looking elsewhere for intimacy. Is it boredom, boring sex, lack of sex, lack of intimacy, that you've been living on top of each other and feeling that you take each other for granted? That the mundanity of living together has eroded the passion you once had for DH? All of these are normal in a long term relationship but you need to be honest with yourself 1st as to where you are and what your feelings are for DH and what you now want. Then you can talk to your DH about how you are feeling and agree together how to address it, assuming that you do.

As part of that conversation should you tell him? Well that depends on a lot of factors but know that it's very hard for most people to get the trust back after such a revelation.

From my own experience it went from kissing someone , to kissing another then a full on affair, which I ended. Ex DH then left me after him having a long affair. It was clearly a marriage not destined to last but I lacked the courage to leave and insight to see the underlying problem which I'm not proud of. I have a fantastic DH now and know that I'd never betray him as the love is just too powerful.

Be honest with yourself and the path of action will become clear. Be honest. Be courageous. You owe him and yourself that.