Would you want to know?

[Lostatsea1988]

I have now kissed my colleague three times. We are both married. The first time I was so drunk I wasn't even sure it had happened, but I know now it did. It hasn't gone any further than kissing when drunk but on the most recent occasion it could have, if I hadn't left. It needs to stop and I know that, but I don't think I should tell my husband and risk everything over three kisses.

I am prepared for the flaming. I know I deserve it. But please tell me what I should do. I can't ask anyone in real life.

Booboo i am not attracted to him as a boyfriend/partner whatever, if our spouses found out and ended things we wouldn't even end up together he would drive me nuts. You are right it is just a ridiculous situation, i don't even want the other side of the grass I am clearly just self-destructing. FFS. Thank you I think i definitely needed to hear this.

I didn't mean it to sound as nasty as I did when I read it back (sorry), but I'm glad it helped! If you don't want him then FGS imagine the fallout when your husband and his wife find out the next time you feel the need, surely that should douse the fire?

Is a drunken kiss worth ending up single and possibly homeless and divorced? Knowing also that the person you kissed probably deep down doesnt want to end up the same? Weigh up your options carefully OPsome people arent as forgiving in the end as you might think they may be.Stop and have a think would be my advice ..you and your reputation are on very shaky ground if you choose to continue and trust me when i say there is always someone watching and waiting to stick the boot in when you least expect it ..in the end its up to you but I would say nothing and remove myself from the situation....

It doesn’t mean you have to avoid him in group situations when his wife and your husband are there though, although you could spend the time talking to others more than him. It just means you need to avoid the situations where you get drunk with him and do stupid things. Does the rest of your work know/suspect?

With intimacy that involves bodily fluids, I would definitely want to know, purely because I'm perhaps a bit overly obsessed about maintaining good physical health. (I'm thinking things like herpes and thrush infections).
In addition to the health element (which your partner may or may not be overly concerned by) do you not think that perhaps you owe your partner the truth, together with an explanation of why it happened, and how you feel about it? Then he has the full information to enable him to make a decision about his future.

FFS, you are not an animal - you have agency and choice. You have control over your actions and behaviour. Stop all the 'I dont know why it happens' crap. It happens because you allow it to happen, dont stop it from happening, or actively try to make it happen. Stop drinking and hold yourself accountable for your actions. Youre not a dog in heat. Your poor husband - being cheated on with someone his wife doesnt even like. And yes, in my book kissing is cheating. Your lack of self awareness is really dangerous and youre going to end up destroying a lot of peoples lives and happiness and end up wondering one day why the hell you did it.

No one knows trust me (not that that makes it better - i know no one will ever find out and I still of course know it must stop). Although he is my colleague this has happened outside of work, it's not something our colleagues would know about. We are not exchanging bashful looks in the corridor. Anyway that's neither here nor there it's just wrong and i keep replaying it in a loop on my head, that was the first time it happened where a) we discussed it and b) we acknowledged it had happened. It could have gone further (he was very um....explicit about that) had I not left. It went too far and it's scared the fuck out of me.

@Lostatsea1988

No one knows trust me (not that that makes it better - i know no one will ever find out and I still of course know it must stop). Although he is my colleague this has happened outside of work, it's not something our colleagues would know about. We are not exchanging bashful looks in the corridor. Anyway that's neither here nor there it's just wrong and i keep replaying it in a loop on my head, that was the first time it happened where a) we discussed it and b) we acknowledged it had happened. It could have gone further (he was very um....explicit about that) had I not left. It went too far and it's scared the fuck out of me.

What do you mean by 'um....explicit'? Do you mean he had an erection?

If you tell your OH you will have to quit your job. You know that right? Any other option is you rubbing his face in it every morning you leave the house. You don’t get to decide if his paranoia is justified or not.
I wonder if your reticence at telling him is informed more by the logistical disruption this will cause you than any moral dilemma. Namely, finding new friends and a new job.

Stop being in risky situations with your colleague.

Stop the socialising with him and his wife.

Get some counselling for your issues.

If you need to tell someone, tell a counsellor or priest / vicar.

Do not tell your husband.

No I mean literally explicit.

And yes the logistics of it are impossible. We left the UK for me to get on the partnership track and I think / hope I'm almost there. I cannot quit this job. Or its all been for nothing.

@Lostatsea1988

I absolutely did want to tell someone, so i can ask: would you want to know? Should i tell him? In all honesty I don't really have anyone I can ask in real life because pretty much of all of our friends are mutual friends and it wouldn't be fair on them or him for me to discuss it with them. There are a couple of girlfriends back in the UK I could ask but I'm ashamed of myself to be blunt and don't want them to know.

I agree I need to just not be around him. The difficulty is that we have a lot of mutual friends and my husband / his wife is going to realise something is up if we cease contact. I absolutely know what I should do to eliminate any chance of this ever happening again I just don't know how to execute it without the truth unravelling.

Well if you can't avoid being around him without drawing attention to it, then surely the next obvious step is not to drink when he's around so you can stay in control?

OP - I think you are in a classical camp of being bit bored and seeking a bit of excitement. Possibly married a while and things are stable and secure.
People cheat not only because they are unhappy - but because humans like variety and suspense and occasional rule breaking....
Just recognise this for what it is and find other outlets for making your life less boring - get a new hobby or something?

Absolutely don’t tell your H, unless you want to unleash a world of misery on him and your colleague’s family too. Or unless you secretly want to start a divorce and become a free woman.

Also - pick up E Perel’s book on Mating in Captivity. Or her other books. May give you some ideas of how to keep excitement in the marriage over the years

@Lostatsea1988

No I mean literally explicit.

And yes the logistics of it are impossible. We left the UK for me to get on the partnership track and I think / hope I'm almost there. I cannot quit this job. Or its all been for nothing.

'Literally explicit' What an extraordinarily revolting human being.

So you concede that telling him would mean you’d have to quit your job but you refuse to in anyway damage your career.
Seems to me like you’ve already made your decision.

Yes or I can come clean, quit my job, lose our visas and end up at home trying to get an equivalent job in a pandemic? I know I've brought it on myself but it doesn't make the situation easier.

Mmommdd I hear you but I'm definitely not trying to engineer a divorce. Its not a cry for help my husband is great. Women go on about how gorgeous and funny he is. Our friends adore him. He's classically beautiful, he spoils me, he is witty and the sex is great. Not as frequent as it used to be but we still have great chemistry and are very affectionate. I will read the book.

Simple, don't tell DH unless he's like Kelly to find out as that's just passing off your own guilt, then get rid of common dominator here, which is alcohol. Next time a work thing happens, view it all with sober eyes and see what gives. If you are still at it, you have more issues. If you can't not drink for an evening to save your marriage, then you also have a problem with alcohol.

Likely not like Kelly

The question you asked was “would you want to know?” which is the wrong question. Who cares what random strangers on the internet think? The real question you should be asking is “would HE want to know?” and you’re far better placed than us to answer that, though don’t imagine for a second you’re better placed than he is.
But actually an answer to the question “would he want to know?” is not what you want at all because you have already stated that you will not bear the consequences of telling him that fall on you. What is clear is that you have come here for people to tell you that you shouldn’t tell him and so there will be no detrimental impact on you whatsoever. You are neither brave nor conflicted. You have had your thrill and now you don’t want to pay the bill and you want to dress it up as “the right thing to do”.

If you tell your husband then your marriage will likely be over. Maybe not immediately but that chink of distrust will cause a crack that will continue to grow. I personally hate dishonesty but since you say you have a good marriage then keeping your indiscretions to yourself may protect your husband. I think this would be easier if it was a one off. One drunken mistake that you keep to yourself. I think the fact that it happened three times is a major concern. Your attraction to your colleague is most likely driven by the excitement. Forbidden fruit. How realistic is it that you will not allow this to happen again. You need to be totally honest with yourself here and decide what you really want. Do you want a good safe marriage or do you find the attraction of a elicit sex too tempting. If you suspect the latter then end your marriage for the sake of your husband. If you want to be totally committed then drink less and avoid being alone with men.

You sound bored and that you like this internal drama created by cheating etc, that you and affair partner are somehow special in this etc. But you’re not, this is a very run of the mill demi-‘affair’. It’s really a bit sad that you don’t have a mature way to bring a sense of newness or excitement to your life.

Don’t tell your husband unless you are keen to get divorced. Like pp have said, telling him is about alleviating your own guilt, but to me it also seems like emotional drama that you want to create. A big rush of feelings and emotions caused by the fighting and the breakup or the decision to stay together.

If you were my friend I would say end the affair and get on with your life, maybe take up a dangerous hobby to quell this need for drama and tension. I’m actually being serious about the hobby part!

This wasn't a mistake.

It's a pattern of unfaithful behaviour that is a sign of your character.

That's uncomfortable to hear, I know, and I'm not damning you or saying you're evil but doing this three times while with a man you say is wonderful, who you are happy with means this is a symptom of you wanting attention / thrills / risk. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that because I would feel it was a matter of time before they fucked up again as it's a character / personality thing not a one off drunken mistake.

Only you know your husband but I would want to know due to the fact it's happened multiple times. That means you didn't feel guilty enough after the first time to stop. Or the second time. You did it a third time.

It's worse that you don't even like the guy to be honest, as you've risked your marriage for the sake of repeatedly snogging someone you think is a prick. Letting them be intimate with you and run their hands over you and come close to it escalating... even though you aren't bothered about them and think they're a dickhead.

It's all pretty grim isn't it.

Oh and you felt "sick with guilt" the first time in December according to your thread then.

Yet you did it again. And then again.

So I wouldn't trust you were actually sorry this time, not sorry enough to be sure it wouldn't happen again.

"I can't believe I've done this to my husband" you said. Was bollocks really, wasn't it?

@newnameforthis123

Oh and you felt "sick with guilt" the first time in December according to your thread then.

Yet you did it again. And then again.

So I wouldn't trust you were actually sorry this time, not sorry enough to be sure it wouldn't happen again.

"I can't believe I've done this to my husband" you said. Was bollocks really, wasn't it?

^This. If you felt "sick with guilt" and you continued to do it, in my book you have a moral obligation to tell him as you'll never feel guilty enough to stop.