Step daughter

[diamondgcm]

Not sure where to start, its a long story and lots gone on in the past but recently (since March) my SD, aged 21, has moved back home to live with us after finishing Uni. I have 2 other adopted children aged 9 and 11. Problem is my husband now focuses most of his time and support on my SD. The 2 other children have noticed a change since she’s been back and that our relationship is now suffering. Its become quite bad and I don’t know what to do....to move on (and yet I love him with all my heart) or try and stick at it yet I am terribly unhappy.

I’m sorry that you are going through this. Can you give us any examples of where you think things have become quite bad, and what specifically is upsetting you?

(Stepmum of a 26 year old and a 23 year old, so maybe I can help).

Does your dh feel that your dsd needs extra support?

Hi lamthewombat...thanks for getting back to me. When my SD was younger we had a really close relationship. However, one day when she as about 10 her mum decided that she didn’t want her to have any contact with us and completely cut off any form of contact for 3 years (it was crazy what her mum did). Anyway, when we were adopting the girls we had to make contact and SD came back in to our lives and she was older then and could stand up for herself. Prob is she then felt left out from being an only one with 2 new sisters in her life. I think husband has been trying to make up for lost time, SD wants to be treated the same as the other two which is fine but I don’t know how I am meant to treat her anymore as I was like a mum to her and don’t get me wrong she loves me to bits. Its just how hubby treats the situation. He has different rules for her depending on how things are. The other 2 say that he never spends time with them anymore and if I am not happy about something that SD has done then he walks out of the room and wont talk to me or gets cross if I mention something. She has been suffering from depression and is on tablets but its so hard to judge her moods. She never ever speaks at the dinner table and now I don’t want to have a family meal anymore as its uncomfortable. Her room is always a complete mess. Hubby does say something but never gets cross but with the other two its a different story. He gets really annoyed with me if I criticise her in anyway. He seems to have one rule for her and a different one for everybody else. He does say stuff to her but only if I ask him to. He tells me to say things to her directly but then I get a look if I do and its not want he wants to hear!

Tell your idiot husband that he has three children and if he isn't careful he'll be living with his eldest and you and the younger girls will be living elsewhere

Personally I don't think a 21 year old should be regularly doing things to upset you like a child misbehaving. If you come back to live with parents as an adult you should be respectful and mature.

OK, it sounds as if your husband is a bit of a coward. He needs to treat the girls the same, because otherwise it will cause division in the family, which is what you’re experiencing.

If your SD were younger, your DH would be described as a ‘Disney dad’. He wants somebody else to do the difficult stuff so that his kid doesn’t see him as the bad guy or disciplinarian. It’s unfair on you. Why should you be the one forced to give your SD direct feedback about your behaviour? It should be a joint effort.

Does he know how you feel? He may not realise how hurtful this is for you. Does it feel as if he is talking sides with his daughter and making you responsible for dealing with conflict?

I would question him openly and regularly so he has to explain what he is asking you to do and why. He sounds like he is creating a front so he can be the good guy to DSD and you are the bad guy.

I would let things fall apart if they are going to anyway, as you tiptoeing on eggshells is not going to prevent it. Getting to the issue - what is his real problem - would be better to get out ASAP.

Thanks all, makes me feel lots better as I wasn’t sure if I was over reacting and being unreasonable. DH does know how I feel (I’ve told him lots! :-) but he doesn’t like to hear it and get fed up with me. We never ever spend any time together anymore. I’ve asked him to maybe have a meal together or anything but we never do and he says it because all I talk about is what SD is doing wrong. Its just the silly little things that start to bother me now when they never used to...my 11 year old was standing up eating biscuits after dinner and Dh said to her to go and eat them at the table, 2 seconds later SD does the same and he doesn’t say a word so I say to her can you go and sit at the table as L has just been told off by your dad for doing this. DH was not happy with me and said she’s an adult so its different. Then today the 2 youngest have helped with some jobs and then playing inside. SD has helped with jobs and then disappears for 2 hours to her room so I say where is she and he gets cross and says its OK for her to have her time as the other 2 are playing ...and.I agree but they are kids so I expect that...I am treating SD like myself as supposedly she’s an adult and I say to DH so wheres my time and he gets cross with me. SD left her room in such a state for 3 weeks, bathroom had sanitary stuff lying all over the show...if that had been the youngest 2 he would have been really annoyed with them...the youngest see it too...they say that DH is so protective over SD...ive said to him he may as well live with her on his own...but then it would break my heart and I don’t know what it would do for the youngest as they have been through enough already but I'm struggling to cope...we were all fine until SD came home to live with us permanently...

Is there a time limit for SD living with you?

As in, I imagine that she won’t want to live with you forever, will she? She must have plans for her future?

"she is suffering from depression & on tablets"
perhaps your dh is worried about her? Depression is insidious & not caring about herself or her room may well be a symptoms of this & her other behaviours could also be part of the depression.
talk to your husband & ask him if he worried about her?
Mental health is hard to understand but it does require patience & observation. Do a little reading up on it it might help you understand

I think at the moment she’s living with us indefinitely. I have been so supportive through all her life, helped her to get to Uni and just helped her to get a job. Things got really bad last week and me and DH had a major argument and it seemed like he was making an effort in trying to sort things out as for the first time in 8 months he actually ‘stuck up’ for me...SD had snapped at me over something....he didn’t say a word at the time but then we had the argument and he realised and said something to her...it just always feels as though he is on her side no matter what...ive said to him I get it, she’s your daughter and you will always stand by her and I understand that but there needs to be a balance...its like I don’t exist anymore...he always does things with her now...the other day he went to get her and I said maybe me and L can do it and low and behold we could do but he wasn’t even giving us the chance...L says to me SD does everything with daddy as she’s the Big I am and can do everything.. SD never really asks what we have been up to, just talks about what she’s been doing...she hardly ever interacts with the other 2 unless someone comes to visit and then it feels like its for show...my mum is staying with us at the moment and she comments on this too..sorry, Im letting it all out as I have noone to talk to about it...I’ve suggested counselling ....do you think this would help?

I don’t see why it’s the OP’s responsibility to read up and understand. It is she and their two younger daughters who are getting the rough end of the deal.

Right now, the household revolves around the SD who, mental health problems notwithstanding, isn’t helping. The husband’s focus needs to shift, so that he’s not exclusively considering his daughter’s needs at the expense of the OP and the other children.

I’m going to suggest Relate. That helped us, because being a stepmother is hard and the stepchild’s parent often doesn’t get it. The OP shouldn’t have the be the only one bending to accommodate the new arrangements.

I do try to be mindful of the depression side of things and maybe I need to understand more...its just that her moods seem to come and go when its convenient and sorry if that sounds harsh, its not meant to be. She’s also very different now in terms of what she enjoys, believes in etc and we have a lot less in common..

I think you need to sit down as a family and talk about the situation in hand and make it quite clear that you are not prepared to put up with any more nonsense.

Good call re the counselling, OP. Our posts crossed.

Do it. What do you have to lose?

I think from your comments the one thing you might be being unreasonable about is expecting the same rules for her as the other children and being upset that they aren't. I would agree with your husband that it's fine for an adult to eat a biscuit standing up but not a child, as they have the sense not to drop crumbs everywhere, and I don't see what's wrong with her going to her room after doing housework, but I'm not sure if I've missed something there.

But on the other hand, you can and should only treat her like an adult if she's behaving like one. Snapping at you and not respecting the living space is not appropriate behaviour from an adult so it's not entirely surprising you don't want to treat her like an adult in other ways. You have a wider issue with her attitude around the house, and the fact that your husband is neglecting you and your other children to focus on her. But in raising that with him (which you should) I would be inclined to concede that it's fitting for her to be treated like an adult in the household in terms of rules, provided she is meeting you half way and acting like one.

Thanks all for your comments... it means a lot...I think I’ll look in to Relate and see if there’s anything that we can do...just hope that he will be open and listen to what they have to say...

Hi aSofaNearYou, thanks for your message...I guess my problem is that SD wants to be treated like the other 2 and so in that sense I feel that if I have one rule for them I should apply it to her?
Also, we live on a small holding and always have lots of jobs to do and I thought that if I was treating her like an adult I would be treating her the same as I would myself in the amount of jobs that we all have to do...Every day of the week (prior to her starting her new job) I would be the one, along with the 11 year getting up first thing doing all the jobs as SD doesn’t like to get up early. Today, I did lots of jobs in the morning and she started about 11.30....I then continued all afternoon and evening whilst she was in her room relaxing...so this is what I find it hard to understand...if I am to treat her like an adult are the adults all meant to pull their weight in terms of jobs equally?

To be fair I think the situation sounds tough for both you and her.

I think she is entitled to disappear to her room for 2 hours as an adult.

I might need to communicate expectations with her clearly and get her input on the matter.

“You have been here for 8 months, you are part of the household now. Before you came, we had so and so and so system in place for the house to function. After you came it’s been a bit unclear because the younger girls follow ur example and I didn’t manage to communicate with you the previous system in place.

So what do u think of our system? (Use the TOMM method for splitting chores and that’s it). Would u like us to adjust it? Where do you think you can contribute ?

Also address issues like family table and so on.

Let ur DH be there confirming.

But also be humble and realise she doesn’t need you to welcome her. She is in her dads house.

So speak to her like your on the same level not like a beneficiary.

But yes the real issue is your DH. He needs to figure out how to handle this well so not to pander to anyone at the cost of anyone else

I think it's both of you. You sound like you are treating her as one of the children but she isn't, she's an adult. I'm surprised you told an adult to go and eat a biscuit at the table! And why were you asking where she was? She's an adult, she's allowed to go and stay in her room and not be around everyone else. I suspect your DH isn't happy and is commenting because you are trying to treat her like the 11 year old. The younger 2 can be told that as she's 21, she won't be expected to do exactly the same.

I have 2 younger children and DP has a child that's near adult age, mine get treated differently because they are still children. His isn't so it would be daft for them to have the same rules.

Your SD can’t cherry pick the best of both worlds - being treated as both an adult and a child - and I agree that an informal conversation about helping with chores would be a good idea.

The reason that I have been ‘trying’ to treat her as one of the children is that she asked to be and wants to be treated equally with the other 2 and this is where my problem lies as she’s not a child, she’s 21 but I think that the fact she didn’t see or speak to us for 3 years (due to her mum) she feels like she has missed out on part of her childhood with us and what she sees the other 2 as having now...im more than happy to treat her as an adult but she seems to want it both ways when it suits her....as an adult I kind of hope that she would help out equally with household jobs...the younger 2 help out loads (we never asked SD to when she was younger but she sees it that she’s now hard done by with her having to do jobs when the younger 2 don’t as much because they can’t). I’d love to be able to chill for some time in my room, anywhere, but never get the chance. I asked her where she was as she suffers from depression and she’s asked us to check on her if she disappears to her room.