Step daughter

[diamondgcm]

Not sure where to start, its a long story and lots gone on in the past but recently (since March) my SD, aged 21, has moved back home to live with us after finishing Uni. I have 2 other adopted children aged 9 and 11. Problem is my husband now focuses most of his time and support on my SD. The 2 other children have noticed a change since she’s been back and that our relationship is now suffering. Its become quite bad and I don’t know what to do....to move on (and yet I love him with all my heart) or try and stick at it yet I am terribly unhappy.

Thanks. I am trying and I do want everyone to be happy. It will just take a bit of time for all of us to adjust I imagine but we will get there I am sure. I want this to work for all of us.

It's not her fault that you couldn't give him a biological kid. That really is what it's all about. You are very much in the wrong.

What a shameful comment. The second bit of bile I've seen from the same poster in one day, you're on a roll!

Yes .I agree . Very nasty and unnecessary.

It all seems a bit mixed up, one minute she’s treat like a child the next like an adult.

You mention how you get up and crack on with your jobs and she stays in bed till 1130, it’s not her house, should be expected to put the same amount of work in as you? When I was 21 I wanted to have a lay in too. Also, with her suffering from depression, it’s a struggle to get up in the morning, as is it a struggle to do chores, you just don’t have any energy!

You need to sit down with your DH and agree what chores she will do, will she be paying you board when she starts her job? Then you both sit down with her and tell her what you’ve agreed and what her thoughts are on it.

As for same rules for your kids and her, she is 21, not a pre-teen. Unless she gets crumbs everywhere then she’s fine to eat standing up.
She’s not a child but she’s also not the owner of the house whose responsibility is the same as yours. She is a young adult, suffering with depression and needs to be treat accordingly.

That’s uncalled for Rennrol

Hi Mamadothe...I do understand that its not easy for her and I try my best in all ways to help her...what I have been finding hard is her being home and me having to clear away and wait on her hand and foot...I don’t expect that of my dh or of my other two. we all muck in and help out. I have spent many months living on my own with the other two and with dh working away in the week and I have not complained of where we live or the work that I have to do. as people have commented, that’s the life we chose. she wants to spend time with me doing things but for that to happen I need to free up time to do that and I am trying my best to find the right balance for all of us.

@ReneeRol Wow,what a nasty,awful post! Did you dip your pen in poison before typing that out?

As for same rules for your kids and her, she is 21, not a pre-teen. Unless she gets crumbs everywhere then she’s fine to eat standing up.

Wasn’t it the OP’s DH who made a song and dance about the younger children eating at the table rather than standing in the kitchen eating biscuits? The OP simply wanted to remove confusion for the younger kids by asking her SD to set an example. Not unreasonable.

it’s not her house, should be expected to put the same amount of work in as you? When I was 21 I wanted to have a lay in too.

That the house does not belong to the OP’s SD is neither here nor there. She is staying there, I assume rent free, and should expect to contribute in some way. That is what grown ups do.

I’m 49 and I’d love a lay in every day. Does that mean that I should get one by default whilst somebody else does my paying job for me and does my share of the chores? Of course not.

I tend to agree with PPs that being active and having a routine might help the OP’s SD.

Well firstly I’m not surprised SD’s mum was unhappy with her calling you “mum” when she had a perfectly good mum of her own. You shouldn’t have encouraged or allowed that, it’s very easy to explain to a child that it’s inappropriate to call someone else mum when you have your own mum unless there’s horrific abuse/non contact/death etc with the actual mum. So yeah, while her stopping contact was wrong of her I’m not surprised when you’re calling yourself mummy.

Secondly, by asking you to treat her the same as your adopted dc she isn’t asking to be treated like a child ffs. She’s asking to be treated with the same care and love her father shows to his other dc. Not to be told to sit at the table to eat a biscuit at age 21. As for having time in her room I don’t blame her when she’s being treated like an 11 year old. You need to have a family meeting, divide up chores fairly so she knows what is expected of her and her time outside of chores is her own to be in her room if she likes. When she does start work she can have chores still but should have less, depression is exhausting and whether you’ve said in front of her that her moods seem to be convenient or not I guarantee you she will know that you think that way.

You seem to be asking your husband to choose between her and you and your dc, that isn’t a nice position to put him in and you’ll regret it I fear. He should spend equal time with his dc’s, sometimes that can be all together but other times he needs to just be with his dd, there’s a big age gap so naturally what he does with your younger dc is going to be different to what his older dc enjoys

All in all I think you need a chat with your husband, ask him to do an activity with your younger dc on a Saturday morning then he can spend time with his older dd on a Sunday afternoon or whatever times work for you as a family. Then you need a family meeting where chores are outlined so everyone knows what they need to do. And you need to reconcile yourself to having family dinners, yes your sd might not be the chattiest person at the table but I highly suspect that’s because she can sense your resentment towards her. Accept that she is an adult, she isn’t asking to be treated like a child just to be treated with the love you treat your other dc with.

Hi OP, I’m in a similar situation but it’s reversed.

Your dh feels incredible guilt as do I with my adult dd. My dh is getting frustrated.

My dd1 is depressed but she won’t go to the GP or see a councillor. She 25 and also wants to be treated like her much younger siblings which grates on me as she is an adult and lived away from home for years but I do it because I don’t want to upset her.

I know she feels on the cusp of our family, saying she feels like she doesn’t belong anywhere despite me repeatedly saying she belongs to me and this family. She only comes down stairs to get something to eat then carriers it straight back up stairs and the kids annoy her. She gets away with so much but I don’t say anything as she gets upset easily which is actually making the situation worse as she knows she’s getting treated differently which makes her feel even more in the cusp of us.

I looked in on her this afternoon and she looked so sad, I asked if she wanted a cuddle but she said no. I don’t know what to do to fix her. I know this situation can’t continue as she’s very short with the kids. When she does join us there is a really weird atmosphere like it’s fake or very subdued She has no boundaries for other people’s belongings, when I ask her to no use other people stuff it ends very badly. Dh is starting to lose patience a bit - and tbf he is a very patient man.

So I don’t know what the solution is. Not much help I know.

These aren't young children rebelling: 20 year olds are adults and need to take responsibility to follow house rules and to pull their weight. If they don't like it they can leave.

I never encouraged SD to call me mum, that was her choice and that’s what she wanted. My DH was always happy with this too. Whether I should have discouraged her, I don’t know but how would that have made her feel, pushed away maybe. Her mum stopped all form of contact for 3 years, told umpteen lies to the police, school and social services, got SD to write emails and letters as though they were from her and said that if she told the truth she would never see me or her dad ever again. She was put through huge amounts of emotional abuse and this has had a big effect on her mental health. They do have a relationship and talk on the phone but she’s not been to see her mum in nearly a year now. SD and i both had a very loving and caring relationship and we still do. The reason that she is quiet at the dinner table is that she finds it hard interacting in bigger groups. When we are on our own she is happy to talk etc. It’s just hard as it creates an atmosphere and I am trying to be understanding of this. What my issue has been is having consistency in how we all are in the house. I understand that she’s an adult and shouldn’t be treated in the exact same way as the other 2 but I’d still like it if she helped out with some of the things that we all do, like tidying up after herself in communal areas in the house etc or should I be the one running around clearing up after her. I say the same to my Dh about things and ask that we all help out with simple chores so I treat him the same way. I’m just trying to help set an example to the younger two as well and I agree there are things that adults do/can do that children don’t but it’s about helping them to learn and respect. If my mum does something that I think isn’t helpful in the way me and Dh are bringing the other two up we say something so I’m not singling SD out just because she’s my SD.

Have had a good chat with Dh tonight and explained I’ve been on here and all the comments that I have received. He’s totally supportive and explained that what he finds hard is me saying stuff to him about SD when he would rather me just say some of it to her myself rather than having to go via him every time. I said that I find this hard because she’s my SD. Anyway, I’m taking SD for her theory driving test tomorrow and cutting/dying her hair so having a bit of me and her time. I’m going to work on being less picky! My SD herself has said that she’s happy for me to say stuff to her and too would rather but I overcompensate because I don’t want to upset her but then my Dh gets it! I’ve learnt a lot from these messages and we will move forward as a family of 5 because they all mean the world to me. Thanks everyone (well not quite everyone!) it’s helped a lot and put things in to perspective.

Glad you've decided to treat her more in an adult way by talking to her about problems etc. Frankly, asking a 21 Yr old to eat a biscuit at a table is ridiculous.
Now work on stopping doing too much for her eg making all meals etc. As an adult, she can take a turn cooking, etc. Then hopefully your resentment will lessen.

I agree, you shouldn’t be going through your dh, talk directly to your sd. Going through your dh sounds very like bollocking her like she isn’t related to you in any way when she is, she’s pretty much your child too.

Given where you live, I think I’d assign chores. The 9 and 11 year old can definitely do cleaning, collecting eggs, letting out animals etc, picking up after themselves. They should all be sorting out washing into piles and even putting on the machine. They can all wash up. Assign days. Rooms should be cleaned, cooking can be together. Make it fun, age appropriate and give them all attention. Your dh needs to spend quality time with the little ones: can he take them to do the ‘big’ jobs and teach them as he goes?

Just wanted to say about the “biscuit thing”
We were in the middle of dinner and this was part of their pudding so it could have been a roast potato and I didn’t feel it right that anyone was getting up wandering off eating when we were in the middle of dinner at the table.

I think that’s where I have been going wrong with my Dh, keep going through him with things to do with SD. The 9 and 11 year old take part in feeding the dogs, letting out the chickens, putting out the recycling, emptying the dishwasher, hanging out the washing, cleaning the bathrooms, laying the table and cooking and baking with me as well as growing some things in the garden. Probably sounds harsh to some but we all have our parts to play to make things work. We make it fun whilst doing it so it’s not so much of a chore and they enjoy it. It also helps them as they grow to become more independent.

I think you sound like a wonderful and caring stepmother who really wants to get it right. Glad that you have talked and seem to be moving forwards. As for the biscuit issue - I've made the mistake on threads before of giving a snapshot as an example, and in trying to keep it succinct have left out relevant facts, which have then been zoomed in on and you can end up drip feeding, over justifying and being defensive! Good luck with everything.