Step daughter

[diamondgcm]

Not sure where to start, its a long story and lots gone on in the past but recently (since March) my SD, aged 21, has moved back home to live with us after finishing Uni. I have 2 other adopted children aged 9 and 11. Problem is my husband now focuses most of his time and support on my SD. The 2 other children have noticed a change since she’s been back and that our relationship is now suffering. Its become quite bad and I don’t know what to do....to move on (and yet I love him with all my heart) or try and stick at it yet I am terribly unhappy.

The thing is op, with her being depressed, there will be times she'll feel really tired and demotivated and she will need time to decompress alone in her room. Depression is real and you calling her moods "convenient" isn't helpful.

Put it this way, if she,or one of your other two daughters had a serious physical illness which could kill them, would you expect them to be treated exactly the same way, with the same chores as the others and for them never to get cranky and snappy?

HI seaded, appreciate your comments, although I’m not sure theres a need to swear. I have spent many a time over the last 8 months in particular and over the last 16 years supporting her, comforting her, loving her and talking to her at length so yes I have and am more than concerned for her welfare. What I am struggling to cope with is us, as a family, finding the right balance now that she has moved back home with us permanently. our other 2 children are adopted and they have been through a lot too so its finding the balance in supporting them all. why should SD get more attention? what is hard is that my DH is focusing on my SD at the expense of everything else.

It's a tricky one, in a way, maybe you are trying a bit too hard to attain an equilibrium. There is a big age gap, so you can't really treat them all the same as such. They all helped you with some chores, then the DC's played indoors and your DSD went to her bedroom for 2 hours - I really don't see anything in that, can't think why that is an example of something wrong? She's 21, of course she doesn't want to hang out with a 9 and 11 year old, that would be the same if they were all your own joint children. The biscuit thing? Well perhaps you'd expect an adult to eat one without making crumbs whereas you'd expect a child would maybe be less dextrous or neat about it, either way, it's minor, and to make a big deal of it is more about niggling out of frustration, which doesn't help.
It looks like your tension about her being there, as the dynamics have changed, is causing you to pick up on every detail, whereas maybe you need to let go of some things.
If she wants to live in her own messy room, let her. Communal areas are not on, however, so that rightly needs addressing.
I think pick your battles applies, if you constantly complain to DH about DSD, it's going to drag the mood down. I think some acknowledgement and empathy and better communication between you and your DH is needed. Your DH is not finding a balance, I'm not sure you have either. It will take time, meanwhile some acceptance that you are both in a tricky situation and honest chats about spreading time out. The best your DH can do is split attention 3 ways instead of 2, so it's always going to feel like less to your younger children.

I'd say, DSD would be more like an Aunty in dynamic to the younger DC than sister as a hey haven't grown up together, so to aim for a 2 parent family with 3 equal children is not possible.

HI BilboBercow, I would never say to her that her moods are convenient and I totally understand that mental health is equal to a physical illness. I myself am suffering from anxiety, panic attacks etc so I do understand the impact it can and does have. I feel like I need to try and hold everything together for everyone else and sometimes its just becoming too much.

Hi Opentooffers, yes I probably am picking on the silliest of things...to be honest the biscuit and time out were just examples and normally something like eating a biscuit would never have bothered me but things have been building up for 8 months so even the tiniest of things get to me now (and I'm not proud of it). I guess that’s what happens in relationships if they start to fail, the smallest of things annoys people. I guess too, wheres my time out? Maybe I am just too much of a fussy person and I would be better if I left everyone to get on with things the way that they want.

time to call it a night. thanks for all your comments.

It's one thing helping with jobs around the house - and I agree that the state of her bedroom sounds gross - but at her age I wouldn't have wanted to be helping on a smallholding. That's your choice of lifestyle, you can't foist it on her.

we live on a small holding and always have lots of jobs to do and I thought that if I was treating her like an adult I would be treating her the same as I would myself in the amount of jobs that we all have to do.

No I don’t think that’s the right attitude. At all..

You don’t compare her to you.

You have 2 children to look after.. and you run the household with your DH. So get him to split chores with you better.

The adult DC should do a fair contribution but not mirror yours ..

As long as you communicate what that fair contribution is, then leave her to do it at her own convenience.

I say this with the best of intentions but you do sound like you are macromanaging her and it does sound like it’s stemming from your resentment of her relationship with her dad.

I think your anger should really be towards the dad helping your get spare time and leisure time. You really should be comparing yourself to him not to her

I think 30 mins of chores a day is more than enough actually for her. And she can help cook for the family twice a week ?

Tbh, getting her out of her toom and involved with other people and “doing” might pick up her mood. Without discounting her depression, I suffer from depression and anxiety myself - it can make one very self-indulgent. She is being allowed to use it an an excuse to be exempt from normal civilized behaviour in the house, like cleaning up her own sanitary items. That’s vile, unhygienic and needs addressing on the spot. You shouldn’t be put in the position of Wicket Stepmother. That’s completely unfair. It’s your house and abs she’s dividing AND conquering. You need to tell DH to either support his daughter by supporting you or to take her and get out, because that seems to be what she wants.

@diamondgcm

Hi Opentooffers, yes I probably am picking on the silliest of things...to be honest the biscuit and time out were just examples and normally something like eating a biscuit would never have bothered me but things have been building up for 8 months so even the tiniest of things get to me now (and I'm not proud of it). I guess that’s what happens in relationships if they start to fail, the smallest of things annoys people. I guess too, wheres my time out? Maybe I am just too much of a fussy person and I would be better if I left everyone to get on with things the way that they want.

You’ve said at least three times in this thread, “where’s my time out”. Why do you think that’s SD’s problem? You chose to have children, you chose a home that seems to require you to work from sun up to sun down with no down time. None of that is SD’s fault. She’s doing her part by helping out. Saying she’s an adult as a way to snip at her because you don’t get down time is ridiculous. You chose a lifestyle that leaves no room for downtime. If you don’t like it anymore then your husband needs to step up and take over more or you need to move to a home that requires less work.

I don’t think OP is making this SD’s fault, I think she is making this DH’s fault. OP is addressing this with DH.

This isn’t as simple as him treating his DD differently, which is not bloody surprising as they were separated for three years. The family dynamic has changed and you appear to have lost some control over your environment and that’s partly fuelling your them vs us narrative. I’m not saying that your feelings are unfounded but there is a middle ground.

The pettiness has to stop, your children are picking up on it and that’s only contributing to a them vs us situation between them and their father and older sibling.

Do not underestimate the trauma of the enforced separation from her father and parental alienation.

Given your own MH struggles maybe counselling for yourself could be a start.

The pick me/ DD vs me and the younger kids is not a situation you really want to cultivate.

Does DH help out? You only mention yourself and Adopted kids, What is his role?

Your SD should help out. Everyone should have their fair share of chores. Like in most households.

Draw up a roster of work. SD being the adult should do a little more as she is an ADULT.
You husbands child but still and adult!

Try to have a heart to heart with your husband and them as a family. If you are both not on the same page there will never be harmony. As you said yourself.. the younger kids are picking up in DH differences in parenting.

They could also be picking up on your irritation, yes it’s normal 🤷🏻‍♀️ Your household dynamics have changed..

Try to work things out before thinking or suggesting a break up..

Good luck OP. SMums on here don’t always get a good deal on here. You just meant to shut up and put up. Everyone has challenges. Not everyone seems to understand this.

Those who have said YOU chose a lifestyle of allday work .. have they thought for a second your husband could have chosen that lifestyle and you have adapted?

Very stressful situation. At 21 she is an adult not a child. I think I would start batting everything back to your dh. So if the children ask can we do this and that with you and dad at the weekend, you say ' Great idea, run it past your dad.'
If they say can dad take us to drama class, you respond ' I don't see why not, go and ask him.'
Why does dad let SD speak to you like that mum, ' Thats a very good point, why don't you ask him,'
As regards to spending time with your dh I would consciously not mention your SD at all. Let him be the bad guy.
At her age I think it's perfectly reasonable to lay down your house rules, it's not a choice it's your house.

@Hanab

Those who have said YOU chose a lifestyle of allday work .. have they thought for a second your husband could have chosen that lifestyle and you have adapted?

Even if that were true why would it be SD’s problem? I also don’t see how that isn’t a choice OP made? She chose the husband, she chose to go along with this lifestyle if it wasn’t her idea, she chose this.

Tbf, SD is having her cake and eating it too when it comes to being a child and an adult at the moment. She’s an adult when it suits her, but a child to get out of any accountability. (Ie, being an unhygienic slob in a bathroom shared by children.) I think the OP is being treated unfairly.

Thank-you for all your comments they have given me much food for thought. I’ve had it all whirring round in my head through the night. Yes I did choose to be with my dh and knew that he had a DD. I have always been totally supportive of him and her and have had a great, loving relationship with DD, infact so much so she called me mum for many years. Her own mum stopped contact because she didn’t like mine and SD's relationship. I have supported my dh through 2 court hearings not only was it very upsetting but also very costly so we could try and keep contact. My SD was being emotionally blackmailed by her mum and despite her desperately wanting to see us she couldn’t and couldn’t even make one phone call in 3 years. This has obviously had a longer term effect on my SD and I totally get this. Me and dh moved house to our small holding and it was both of our choices, we love living here and are happy about what we have to do on a daily basis, My SD wants to be involved and also loves living here and she says its a big help for her mental health in the environment that we live. Me posting on here though is more about what I should be expected to do as a SM now that she is grown up and living with us. If she was my own child at that age (I should have a 22 year old but unfortunately I lost her when she was little) I would be telling her what I expect her to do etc and to respect the way that we live. What I find hard is saying these things to my SD and what I should be saying and so I say them to my dh and he gets cross at me because he doesn’t want to hear them. My SD has not worked for 8 months since coming back from Uni. I make all her meals, do the shopping etc and all I am asking for is a little respect in terms of how we live and helping out. She doesn’t pay any money towards living costs and so I treat her helping out with chores as contributing towards the house. I recently helped her to find a job which she loves. She doesn’t drive too which isn’t an issue but we are involved in taking her places etc. We do a lot for her. I don’t also think that its setting a very good example to the other two leaving dirty sanitary products on show for 3 weeks when there is a bin literally next to the toilet. Seadad mentioned that its her dads house. Its our house, our family house. If SD had her own house I would have no problem in her living it the exact way she wanted but we need to find a balance between all of us. I mention that I don’t have any ‘me’ time and its more that I don’t have time anymore with my dh and again surely its about finding a balance. Just because you have children doesn’t mean you can’t have time together as a couple does it? I have spoken with dh and he is aware of things and he too is trying but we need to find a balance for everyone and have some form of consistency. I will make an effort to not be so picky but like I say its not because she is my SD, I am not treating her any differently just because she’s my SD....its more mine and my dh relationship as I think sometimes he thinks its because she’s my SD.

I do undersand too that my SD wants time out in her room etc (but she also says spending time on her own in her room is not good for her mental health). She wants me to treat her as the other two and wants me to spend time with her which I am happy with. Its hard though as the 9 and 11 year old obviously need more of my time . My SD has been used to having time with me on my own or with me and dh and now we have the 9 and 11 year old that has changed and I appreciate that is not my SD’s fault but me asking to help with jobs more is so that we can get things done so that I can spend time with her.

Sorry RenneRol but you are very much in the wrong. I love my SD just as my own. I have been the one that has supported her through all her education, spent hours with her helping her, guiding her, doing things with her...being the one that she comes to for advice, to cry on my shoulder for many things because of her own mum...you ask my dh what he thinks of me and what I have done for his child. I find that very hurtful and also very hurtful for you to say its not her fault that you couldn’t give him a child. I had a child but unfortunately she died and now also have 2 adopted children which are our children, biological or not. Being a biological mum or dad doesn’t necessarily make you a good parent, my SD’s case in hand with her own mum and our 2 adopted children another.

No matter if she is SD , bio or any other relation this is hard . You are dealing with Adult DC returning home. My daughter came back from Uni and it is a very strained time. They have been out on their own , living whatever way they want . And now they are home , living under our rules.
She is neither a full independent adult nor a child. I have had to pull my daughter up on many things . I want to say my house, my rules , but it is very undermining . My DH doesn't see anything as a problem either and so I am the bad guy too. Add the fact that you feel uncomfortable confronting as a SM , I see your dilemma.
I do think you need to address it with your 11 year old also. She needs to know that as an older sister , more than 10 years older , is not her contemporary equal. And will not be treated the same. You need to manage this child's expectation as I fear you may be over compensating because of their adoptive status.

As regards , the messiness , forget the room - again she has been at Uni , probably doing the same . But address the bathroom , etc as your Dad and the girls shouldn't be exposed to private sanitary things - can you put them in a bin in your room and then straight outside maybe?

Helping out on smallholding , you need to lower your expectations a bit. She didn't choose this lifestyle and so if she helps out at all , it is OK. Again , address it as Could you help me in the house as I need to do XYZ outside.
It is not easy but for your relationship with your DH , please dont make it an Us and Them issue.

Thanks Stillfunny...I take your points on board...I think the sanitary thing was just one example and I found it frustrating as there is a bin in the bathroom, right next to the toilet...I get too that she has been living at Uni and doing her own thing...I think its just hard for us all adjusting now she’s home and she’s never lived with us for this length of time before, and has chosen to live with us as opposed to her mum which I also do not have any problem with and am pleased if that makes her happy. I have explained to the 11 and 9 year old that she’s an adult so will have different expectations of her but I think that they find it hard too as dh used to ask them to help out with things to spend time with daddy but now SD is back that doesn’t happen anymore and it upsets them (although since me mentioning it the other week he has made more of an effort and maybe he didn’t even realise that he was doing it). Its hard for me in that my SD wants to spend time with me and I want to too, its just harder splitting my time 3 ways when the younger two need more help with things and I think sometimes she sees that as me favouring which I am not.

You seem to be doing things the best you can. Like all mothers , you are trying to keep everybody happy. Not possible ! I have son and daughter and both think each was the favoured one. So family dynamics are hard , no matter what the origins are. No one can get attention exactly the same as everyone's needs are different.
Quite flattering that they all want to spend time with you ! But try and snatch some moments for yourself. You deserve it.