Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Sister's 4 year old son (my nephew) stealing from my 2 year old son

79 replies

musicmama18 · 24/10/2020 13:45

Hi All,

Not too sure on this one.. Any advice greatly appreciated.

My sister's son is just turning 4. He comes to our house around twice a month and will often stay over with us all, me, my son, my husband, his mum etc.,

He is a lovely boy deep down but very difficult, massive tantrums, extreme attention seeking and at times heavy handed - needs to be kept a very close eye on when with my son.

Anyway, at my son's 2nd birthday a few months back, he took one of the toy cars that his dad (my DH) got him for his birthday. My heart broke. (yes, i'm very sensitive)

I only knew as I had popped to my sisters house for the day (her boy was at school) and she mentioned it. I asked for it back and kept it very lighthearted, but she couldn't find it. She said her son tried to hide it from her but she saw him playing with it in his room. I said not to worry just hand it to me next time.

my sister and her husband do not get on and argue a lot, hence why her son is attention seeking.

how on earth do i deal with this? or is this situation very common?

Also, a very big side note, but whenever they stay over her son wets the bed (of course, as he is only just turning 4) but my sister doesn't seem bothered at all. just takes the sheet off and leaves it by the side of the bed.

surely she should bring an absorbent mat or something? i certainly would no matter where I stayed?

OP posts:
BinkyandBunty · 25/10/2020 03:14

In the title he's 4, in your post he's 'turning 4'? So he's actually 3? He definitely was 3 during the behaviour you described as being a few months ago. Are you rounding his age up to make the situation sound worse and encourage a different response?

AgentJohnson · 25/10/2020 06:55

I suppose I’m a bit too protective of my boy.

Nice try but I think your hyperbole is quite deliberate.

Your nephew has a problematic home life but your focus is how his behaviour impacts you and not on his welfare, nice.

TerribleLizard · 25/10/2020 08:01

Mine are 2 and 4, and I think you’re imagining a bigger difference between them. I think when your son is 4 you will look back on this differently.

Young children see things they like and want them. They can’t reason further about other people’s feelings, or the significance of it being a present because they are overwhelmed by just wanting the thing. They also like putting things in their pockets or holding onto them, even if the object isn’t that exciting.

This year has been really hard for young children. All the usual routines disappeared, and they haven’t had the same opportunities to play with other children. It sounds like your nephew’s dad isn’t great with him - and presumably he’s spent a lot of time at home this year.

Small children can’t see outside of themselves, which is why they often blame themselves for parents splitting up, but even the death of a loved one may be felt as their fault. If his dad really isn’t very present in the family, your nephew is experiencing a rejection he isn’t able to understand. That could stay with him for life, and he needs to be shown love and kindness.

ukgift2016 · 25/10/2020 08:19

He has only just turned 3, so a toddler really who is bring raised in an frankly toxic environment. Show some empathy, you can also be a strong role model for him as he grows up.

AlreadyGone44 · 25/10/2020 10:36

OP this is such a nasty way to think of a child "And, I only say my 'heart broke' when she had mentioned he took something as I had feeling he would soon enough. He is just that type of kid unfortunately. It didn't surprise me. he is showing signs of strong jealousy toward our son." If I knew someone thought that about my child I wouldn't want to have anything to do with them.

Deadgoldfish · 25/10/2020 11:07

He is a tiny child Sad Showing behaviour that is normal for his age.

Regardless of the situation at home (or your perception of it) I think it is best for the child that he stays away from you. You don’t like him. Children know when adults don’t like them, and it is unlikely that he feels safe and secure in your home.

You are going to have a huge shock when your child starts school - or even preschool. Small children sometimes wallop each other over the head with things or bite each other (and yes, even 3/4 year olds). They also try to take things they like and they sometimes tell fibs.

It’s not because they are disturbed thieves, it is because they are very young children. You may turn out to have a passive, calm, compliant child. But that won’t show that you are a superior mother, just that it is your child’s personality.

I had one who would just randomly hit other children as a toddler, and who I was very embarrassed by at the time. He grew out of it and is lovely young man.

A very calm one who never even had a tantrum and is still very chilled today . One who did not sleep through the night until 6yrs, and who was a bed wetter - none of the other ones were. Another easy one - but even he had a stealing phase - like a magpie. I had to check his bag before leaving nursery to check what he had Blush The nursery laughed about it as a “normal” phase; it passed after a couple of months.

Children are all different. Your nephew may well be a bit jealous when there is a younger baby around. That is normal, older ones sometimes really struggle with the birth of a sibling, but again, some don’t.

I am being really serious about not having the poor boy at your house though. He will see your facial expressions and hear your tone or voice, he doesn’t deserve to be around an adult who is so horrible about him.

Leolady90 · 25/10/2020 15:24

If I heard my sister talking about my 4 year old in this way I’d never talk to her again. You sound like such a bitch, he’s 4. Why on earth would he jealous of your son? You’re not his mother (thankfully) and I feel like you’re trying to pick on him and his mother! Get a grip. How old are you? You sound about 14.

Also, at 4 bed wetting is completely normal. Instead of slating her behind her back suggest night nappies (my 4 year old has pull ups for bedtime).

Leolady90 · 25/10/2020 15:28

Also I’d like to point out to other users that little miss perfect parent could easily be making things up about her sister to make things sound worse and get a different kind of reaction.

Florencemattell · 25/10/2020 15:35

Haven’t read all replies but agree with others and please don’t label him at four.
He is just a tiny child. He is too young to understand concept of ownership. He did not steal, he took a car home . Next time when he leaves just explain that your DS toys need to stay at your house. Maybe say he can borrow x
Bed wetting is normal. Bladder control at night is a physical developmental milestone. See ERIC for advice . But agree not your problem , he should probably still wear pull ups at night , just use bed protectors etc. Maybe ask your sister to bring her bed linen .
Love your nephew he needs your support.

Original poster
musicmama18 · 26/10/2020 08:32

@Leolady90 i think you should calm down.

OP posts:
Original poster
musicmama18 · 26/10/2020 08:36

I'm not a perfect parent, a bitch, nor am I perfect at all (far from it infact), have not claimed to be perfect - some responses on here have been brilliant and have highlight things i needed. @Florencemattell thanks very much.

Others, however, are very intense and angry. You really should watch how you speak to ppl, even if it is online and fellow parents as well, we all make mistakes and this is clearly one of my major ones.

Not cool.

OP posts:
Original poster
musicmama18 · 26/10/2020 08:39

@Clareflairmare yes i can be, working on it.

OP posts:
Original poster
musicmama18 · 26/10/2020 08:43

@Leolady90 quick search of your username suggests you are going through stuff with your OH, you think he is cheating. sorry to hear it.

BUT pls don't use your anger to abuse other people please.

Not that I need to justify to you, but I'm definitely not a bitch just a HSP trying to navigate this parenting thing.

Best of luck with your OH.

OP posts:
Original poster
musicmama18 · 26/10/2020 08:45

@ukgift2016 you're absolutely right.

OP posts:
coronasharona · 26/10/2020 09:39

You know when you dragged up a search history on Leolady and then worded your response to feign sympathy OP? Really bitchy and passive aggressive. Think you've given us a bit of insight into your character though.

PegasusReturns · 26/10/2020 09:49

Referring to him as 4 when he is in fact 3 is telling.

Why are you doing that?

PegasusReturns · 26/10/2020 09:50

@Leolady90 quick search of your username suggests you are going through stuff with your OH, you think he is cheating. sorry to hear it

Wow!! Well that’s insightful. What an unpleasant thing to do Shock

Deadgoldfish · 26/10/2020 09:52

“Others, however, are very intense and angry. You really should watch how you speak to ppl, even if it is online and fellow parents as well, we all make mistakes and this is clearly one of my major ones”

Hmm, you really should look at how you speak about small vulnerable children. And dragging up other posts because you don’t like what you hear? Not cool at all.

Tiersforfears · 26/10/2020 09:58

@musicmama18

Poor boy sounds like no one is on his side, a toxic home life and an aunt who says he’s stealing when in reality it’s something lots of children do. You are letting your PFB feelings get in the way. Not sure why you were heartbroken over a toy car!? You need to get a grip

Tiersforfears · 26/10/2020 10:05

[quote musicmama18]@Leolady90 quick search of your username suggests you are going through stuff with your OH, you think he is cheating. sorry to hear it.

BUT pls don't use your anger to abuse other people please.

Not that I need to justify to you, but I'm definitely not a bitch just a HSP trying to navigate this parenting thing.

Best of luck with your OH.[/quote]
Wow op not on at all. @musicmama18 even if that poster was out of line you have lowered yourself to their level. Not classy at all.

Bluntness100 · 26/10/2020 11:10

[quote musicmama18]@Leolady90 quick search of your username suggests you are going through stuff with your OH, you think he is cheating. sorry to hear it.

BUT pls don't use your anger to abuse other people please.

Not that I need to justify to you, but I'm definitely not a bitch just a HSP trying to navigate this parenting thing.

Best of luck with your OH.[/quote]
This is really not ok, I get youre upset but you can’t search people and then use their personal issues as a weapon against them

Bottom line is most kids do this at some stage, your own child likely will as well. Kids don’t see it as stealing they don’t have the impulse control yet, but they do know it’s naughty. My own daughter stole a book from school, smuggled it out in her pinafore. She’s a perfectly well adjust 23 year old now and was a perfectly well adjusted child and there was no issues in the home.

Your judgement of the child isn’t ok and you need to reign it in. Parenting is a long road, and it’s not an easy one, and judging other kids like this isn’t ok.

nomdeplume2019 · 26/10/2020 11:16

@Sophoa

He’s 4. 4 year olds see things they like and they take them when they think nobody is looking. I’ve lost track of the number of random toys I’ve found appearing in my house because one of my children (aged 5 and under) had swiped them.

Bed wetting also normal but your sister should have him in night nappies or bring her own absorbent sheets

Agree.
OverTheRainbow88 · 26/10/2020 11:18

OP you are being rude and ridiculous about a 3 year old. Let’s hope your DS never does anything childlike.

Bringing up other people’s issues and using them to your advantage is a real low blow, so is the way you talk about your nephew. You have come across as terribly rude and unkind.

nomdeplume2019 · 26/10/2020 11:22

@MMmomDD

OP - have you had some lingering issues with your sister from earlier on? In the way you talk about her - it seems that you are either judging her or have some sort of resentments... And you seem to have transferred those feelings you have about her to her son.

He isn’t ‘that kind of child’ - it wasn’t only a matter of time - as he isn’t some kind of hardened criminal you seem to pigeon-holed him to be.

And he may or may not be jealous of your son, he is just a little kid. And little kids act up in many different ways, and it doesn’t have to be because of any issues at home.

You only have one small child, so you have probably not seen it yet, so maybe you will believe others on here and not assume the worst of the boy.
It’s not your fault you do - I think we are all prone to that. And I can relate.
I have a nephew who to the then childless me seemed as a disaster toddler - Needy, tantrumy, aggressive. Poster child to prevent unwanted pregnancies, i thought.
Well, he grew up to a very nice young man currently studying medicine.

👍
nomdeplume2019 · 26/10/2020 11:23

@OldWomanSaysThis

So, to paraphrase... You don't like your sister.
🤣