Hi everyone
Me and my partner have had a rocky relationship since the start. Only 2 years together. I may have had bad gut feelings from early on, but can never tell with them and also may just not have been ready for a new relationship.
At the beginning arguments were clearly down to him. E.g. flipping at something really small, unable to handle the smallest of criticism and feedback. There were always periods of silence/not seeing each other afterwards (I have not experienced that before). I didn't mind as I got some space. Sometimes he apologised and did seem remorseful, tried to get back in touch first. He made me cry a lot in arguments from the start and just left me alone to be upset. These arguments were literally from within the first few months.
But in the last year or so every single argument has been turned onto me. Yes maybe he made a joke or something I didn't like so I said something, but he goes off on one. He just rages so easily. He works himself up. Then I get worked up (usually just really upset and teary)
I can be extremely emotional when driven there during arguments, it is quite possible I have a mental issue so I am going through diagnosis. Yet it feels like I am only driven there because of how much he rages. How he sometimes says nasty things during arguments. He has told me I am being manipulative when I am in floods of tears. He has sat coldly, or even laughed. It feels like if I do get any sort of diagnosis, his behaviour won't change during future arguments, it won't make him any more understanding during them or less likely to be nasty/rage, and indeed everything will be put down to me being "mentally ill". Nothing to do with his own anger issues and the way he acts in arguments. And at least I will be getting therapy to help me get better if I am indeed ill. What will he be doing for his own anger and nastiness?
I mean of course I can be not great in arguments either, sometimes cruel. I have deteriorated more in recent arguments myself.
But this seems so beyond anything I have experienced despite having other toxic relationships many many years ago (and a healthier one previous to this one, my longest). He said a few times at the start that he was a "nice guy" and I always thought it was so odd. He has stopped saying it since I told him during an argument that nice guys wouldn't be horrible like that.
He also knows a lot of my background history. The fact is all but one of my previous relationships have been abusive in some way, but that was long ago now. I do carry a bit of paranoia from that which does make me question my judgement with this one constantly. But now it feels like he is using this information against me during arguments. Insinuating I am abusive, I am scary. Yes I can get really upset and shout eventually, usually because he already is shouting and I am trying to get heard. But I am tiny in comparison to him, and underweight. I have done nothing violent or physical whereas he has put his hand over my mouth (softly though) during an argument and then been really surprised at my negative reaction to it, clearly not realising in the moment that it wasn't right to do that. Although those were the days he used to apologise more (never now) so he did apologise for that afterwards.
I was the one that told him early on that I sometimes found him and his temper scary due to my history. Now he says I am scary.
Another thing is when he starts raging he also accuses me of being the angry one and a new word he likes to use is being "agressive". Yes towards I do end up getting pretty angry and very very upset , but he normally accuses those things when my voice isn't raised and I am trying to stay as calm as possible. Of course, him raging and accusing me of being angry when I am trying to stay calm, ultimately makes me lose my own control and get angry/upset!
Also many times when we argue he says stuff like I just want to relax, I work hard just want to rest. Well, don't we all? But sometimes things need to be discussed. He does nothing outside work other than sit at the TV, no kids, he has all the time in the world to relax. Perhaps having a relationship is too much bother for him? Or it is when we argue, or I have an issue with him. He just wants a boring, easy life.
I just wondered if this was typical toxic behaviour. Things seem to have flipped since the beginning. Now all arguments on me. Now seems like projection: I am angry and aggressive and whatever else. I am the scary one. Even though he seemingly works himself up into a rage about the smallest of things sometimes. Yes maybe I drive a point too much sometimes, and may not be the best at raising or trying to discuss things myself. I'm not perfect. But he could still choose not to rage and get so worked up and laugh at me when I am crying.
It's been a few weeks since our last argument but I have not been very close with him, I just can't get over how bad the arguments have got, my level of paranoia now, confusion, and I just have a bit of a mental block now and can't really remember that I love him and I have been a quite depressed. He of course has been acting super nice and caring since then. I just cant reconcile this "caring" guy with the horrendous arguments and even other times when he has exhibited not great behaviour outside arguments (like very occasional belittling)
Well I am as I say accessing some support for my mental health, and so hopefully the therapist can help me to also understand this situation a bit clearer.
Thank you