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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hubby working from home....

70 replies

Teddybear27 · 23/10/2020 21:19

Hubby and I been together 16 years, married for nearly 14. No children. Husband has a good job. I don’t work, housewife..suffer with anxiety..
Due to Covid husband is still working (thankfully) but has been working from home since mid March. Hubby said the company are reviewing this in the New Year. When I asked hubby this evening about this he said he may go back to the office one, maybe, two days a week when the company starts to go back. I think if it was up to my husband he would work from home all the time if he could.
Hubby has mild Aspergers, so has hardly any friends and very rarely goes out and is not very tactile at all. I love him dearly and he is my best friend but I am an only child and I like my own space from time to time. As we all do.
I don’t mean to sound selfish but I really need to know that in the New Year I have a couple of days to myself to get things done or just spend a couple of hours on my own without him being at home all the time 24/7
While he has been working from home there are times I have had to be more quiet than usual or he has asked me what I am doing while I have been tidying up as he is just about to do a conf call and I can’t start hoovering while he is on a call. Sometimes these calls last most of the afternoon.
I appreciate that he is still able to work from home but this is our home, not his office. I have to be careful what I say, as he is Aspergers and might get upset we have both suffered with depression at different times due to external factors. Any advice would be appreciated. Anyone else in this position? I am aware I have a lot to be grateful for. Thanks.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2020 21:23

Does he have a separate room that he's using as his office in the home, or is he always underfoot? Could you build a separate space for him in the garden, if you have one?

tenlittlecygnets · 23/10/2020 21:28

Um. If you have room for him to have an office, he should be in there. If not, his work should come before you hoovering!!

Why don't you go out while he's on aZoom call? Get some fresh air, see a friend?

edwinbear · 23/10/2020 21:39

Tbh I think this is something you need to suck up. I’m WFH full time at the moment, as are many, many of us. It’s a pain, we’re on top of each other, tempers fray, it’s hard this week and next when the DC are on half term, I’m trying to work and bribing them not to ‘pop into to my Zoom calls, but it’s just the way things are right now. I’d much rather be back in the office but it’s not going to be an option for a while yet.

widespreadpanic · 23/10/2020 23:59

I understand how you feel. I’m not an only child ( but I was an only for 7 yrs) and I’m a huge introvert and need lots of space. Since the pandemic I’ve been counting my lucky stars that I don’t have a live in partner that works from home cause I’d probably want to kill him by now having to see him every day all day long 😂

However I think hoovering can wait til after his calls or til the weekend as those are important. And when he has extended calls maybe go out for a walk or if you can go to a cafe and grab a coffee/tea/snack so you can get a break from him.

If there’s a separate room he can work in or maybe put a desk in the bedroom or any room with a door that way you can be separate but still together.

Smallsteps88 · 24/10/2020 00:05

I am aware I have a lot to be grateful for.

I think you need to repeat this to yourself as many times as it takes for you to get it.

RantyAnty · 24/10/2020 00:10

What do you normally do all day?

Norwolf · 24/10/2020 00:10

This is trivial and a tad bit ridiculous if you ask me.

I second @Smallsteps88.

ReefTeeth · 24/10/2020 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SandyY2K · 24/10/2020 00:24

How dirty can the house get with 2 adults to need hoovering so often? There's the evening and weekend to do it.

Unless you live in a mansion, you can't be doing much all day long.

If your anxiety affects your ability to work in any capacity then it's a disability. I wouldn't feel happy to be financially dependent on my spouse, as I'd feel very vulnerable.

I just can't imagine having this situation for my whole life.

Go out...have a walk...go to the library...but whinging about the situation is rather self centred...when you rely on him to feed you, clothe you and pay for the roof over your head.

CityCommuter · 24/10/2020 00:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlexaShutUp · 24/10/2020 00:43

Sorry, OP, but you are being really unreasonable. I understand that you don't work because of your anxiety and I appreciate that your life probably isn't as easy as others might think. However, your dh has a right to minimise the stress that he is under by wfh as much as he can, and I think you just need to suck it up. He is supporting you to stay at home, so you need to support him through this.

BackforGood · 24/10/2020 00:44

Another who thinks you need to really step back and think about this as a whole.
If there are just two of you in a whole house, I can't see that it is too difficult to allocate a work space, and I can't see why you would need to be constantly vacuuming.
I understand the frustration of a parent trying to keep 3 small children relatively quiet in a house where there is no room for the working parent to fit a desk in anywhere, but seriously ....... ?

Porridgeoat · 24/10/2020 00:46

Look just chat to him over breakfast and coordinate hoovering and phone calls

Apassingglance · 24/10/2020 00:59

Op didn't you know that to be economically dependent on your dh is tantamount to devil worship on Mumsnet, and if you are "just" a housewife, you have no right to have any opinions or feelings about anything? Tough luck if you have a mh condition that prevents you from working as an economic contribution is the only thing that gives you any legitimacy or power. Just remain meek and grateful and you'll be fine. Oh and don't forget there's always the option of walking the streets all day every day, preferably in the rain.

Smallsteps88 · 24/10/2020 01:13

TBF @Apassingglance the OP is expecting him to leave his home just so she can have the house to herself a couple of days a week. Which is fine I suppose if she is happy to grant him the same in return. But it doesn’t sound like she would be. So yes, she’s asking a bit much IMO.

rottiemum88 · 24/10/2020 01:33

I am aware I have a lot to be grateful for

Are you though? Because you really don’t sound that grateful.

It’s your DHs house too. He pays for it. If he wanted to work full time from home next year and the option was there to him then he’d be fully entitled to do so and you’d need to find another time to do the bloody hoovering FFS

RantyAnty · 24/10/2020 01:36

BTW OP, anxiety isn't a life sentence.
Most people haven't sought treatment for it. It's very treatable these days.

SBTLove · 24/10/2020 01:40

You have to watch what you’d at because he has Aspergers is what stood out to me.
Why are you tip toeing around him?
My DS has Aspergers and is treated like
anyone else in the family.
Are you the poster who wants to move house with the controlling DH?

SBTLove · 24/10/2020 01:44

*you’d say

grapewine · 24/10/2020 01:54

While he has been working from home there are times I have had to be more quiet than usual or he has asked me what I am doing while I have been tidying up as he is just about to do a conf call and I can’t start hoovering while he is on a call. Sometimes these calls last most of the afternoon

He's trying to work. Seriously, the hoovering will have to wait until the weekend or after the working day. Unless you have pets it can't be that urgent and constant.

Anxiety is shit. No question. In many ways this year is shit. I can't imagine he loves working from home anymore than you like him doing so.

thewalrus · 24/10/2020 07:44

OP, I get it, I think. It's very hard to have the space that you're used to having to yourself taken up by another person.
I WFH, always have done, and I've always loved having the house to myself all day while DH and kids are out. Kids are now back at school, but DH is still almost entirely WFH. And has taken over my office (which makes perfect sense in terms of our family's resources as he needs several screens and is on calls all day, whereas I just need a laptop, but I still preferred having my own office to working at the dining table!). In the context of this year, having a job you can do from home (or an income from someone else doing one) is very fortunate, but that's not to say the changes aren't difficult, and for me, it's OK for you to say that you're finding it difficult (even though you are lucky in the great Covid scheme of things, as you know).
Breaking it down - if you knew that your husband would be going back into the office for a couple of days a week by, say, next Spring, would that feel OK? Is it the possibility of never getting the house to yourself that is bothering you, or does the current situation feel very difficult?
I agree with the people here who have said that it's your issue to deal with (especially as it sounds as though your husband is currently unaware of it). I also think it's clear that conference calls etc have to take precedence over hoovering. And there has to be a way of managing that - would it be possible for you to discuss his schedule in advance so you can plan your day too? Could you 'zone off' your house a bit so he has a workspace and you have a space that you can use as you see fit?

Apassingglance · 24/10/2020 08:20

@Smallsteps88

TBF *@Apassingglance* the OP is expecting him to leave his home just so she can have the house to herself a couple of days a week. Which is fine I suppose if she is happy to grant him the same in return. But it doesn’t sound like she would be. So yes, she’s asking a bit much IMO.

And where is op supposed to go for two days a week, the local bus shelter? At the moment, the op is unable to work.

Are you though? Because you really don’t sound that grateful.
It is possible to be grateful and to find the current situation very difficult. The two are not mutually exclusive.

BTW OP, anxiety isn't a life sentence.
Most people haven't sought treatment for it. It's very treatable these days.
A bit unfair to assume the op hasn't sought treatment. You do know that anti-depressants and anxiety meds don't work for 50% of people? And that there is sometimes a long waiting list for talking therapies?

Op, I get it. My DH has been working from home since March and I am finding it very, very difficult too. I work from home, but only pt. Our downstairs is largely open plan and my DH makes calls from 8.30 am in the morning to 8 pm at night. If you have ever been stuck in a railway carriage with a commuter while they are making a loud call on their mobile phone, then you have an idea of what it's like. I'm an introvert and I sometimes feel like I will go mad if I don't occasionally get some time to myself. That doesn't mean I'm not grateful to him. Previously, you had your domain and he had his. You don't have anywhere to escape to. This pandemic has put a strain on many relationships. It's really difficult and you are allowed to feel a bit crap about it.

One suggestion: would you consider getting a pet? I know it sounds a bit mad but my dog has been my life-saver since March.

Crimblecrumble1990 · 24/10/2020 08:32

I think it's up to you to carve a bit of space our for yourself. Take up walking or make yourself a nook in the house/fancy shed that is just yours?

It is your husbands house too and now through no fault of his own is also his work place. If he stopped working too, I'm sure you would complain even more about that seen as you rely on him completely financially?

You will need to adjust.

Apassingglance · 24/10/2020 08:55

I can't imagine he loves working from home anymore than you like him doing so.

And yet the op said "I think if it was up to my husband he would work from home all the time if he could"

Obviously, the needs of the earner have to take priority, and it's not his choice to WFH, but it doesn't sound like he is finding it as stressful as the op.

A garden shed sounds like a good idea, if possible.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 24/10/2020 09:00

My dh is working from home. We have nowhere for an office.

He wanders from room to room leaving piles of crap in every room. But what can l do? It’s not his fault.

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