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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hubby working from home....

70 replies

Teddybear27 · 23/10/2020 21:19

Hubby and I been together 16 years, married for nearly 14. No children. Husband has a good job. I don’t work, housewife..suffer with anxiety..
Due to Covid husband is still working (thankfully) but has been working from home since mid March. Hubby said the company are reviewing this in the New Year. When I asked hubby this evening about this he said he may go back to the office one, maybe, two days a week when the company starts to go back. I think if it was up to my husband he would work from home all the time if he could.
Hubby has mild Aspergers, so has hardly any friends and very rarely goes out and is not very tactile at all. I love him dearly and he is my best friend but I am an only child and I like my own space from time to time. As we all do.
I don’t mean to sound selfish but I really need to know that in the New Year I have a couple of days to myself to get things done or just spend a couple of hours on my own without him being at home all the time 24/7
While he has been working from home there are times I have had to be more quiet than usual or he has asked me what I am doing while I have been tidying up as he is just about to do a conf call and I can’t start hoovering while he is on a call. Sometimes these calls last most of the afternoon.
I appreciate that he is still able to work from home but this is our home, not his office. I have to be careful what I say, as he is Aspergers and might get upset we have both suffered with depression at different times due to external factors. Any advice would be appreciated. Anyone else in this position? I am aware I have a lot to be grateful for. Thanks.

OP posts:

SoulofanAggron · 24/10/2020 18:23

I can understand it being irritating.

He could do with having a set space out of the way that he can work.
I know what it's like to have a mental health disability of such severity it means you genuinely can't work at all- I'm the same. Don't take any notice of anyone saying you should do something you can't do.

BubbleTeaJunkie · 24/10/2020 18:26

I think this is a bit crazy. I have quite serious anxiety and still work full time, and definitely wouldn't dream of making a scene if my partner couldn't help working from home due to a pandemic.. just to get the house to myself when I live a housewife lifestyle that's funded by him. I think you're being very unreasonable!

CandyLeBonBon · 24/10/2020 18:27

What else do you like to do besides hoovering? Is housework the dominant activity here or do you enjoy other activities?

CrunchyNutNC · 24/10/2020 18:52

He has to work from home.

Perhaps he does, but he isn't prohibited from recognising that his being there all day and asking OP not to make noises etc isn't fair on her. He needs to realise that him using the house (I say house, not room as it doesn't sound like he's shut himself in the spare room) as a workplace impacts on his wife. We're not talking about a few months in an emergency here.

Oblomov20 · 24/10/2020 19:02

Why are you not working. See your GP about your anxiety and get a job.
Be grateful for what you have because you have a lot!

Smallsteps88 · 24/10/2020 19:09

@CrunchyNutNC

He has to work from home.

Agreed. He needs to pick a room in the house and use it as his office. There’s a middle ground here between him commandeering the whole house and leaving 2 days a week. Compromise on both sides is necessary.

CrunchyNutNC · 24/10/2020 19:09

See your GP about your anxiety and get a job.

And the prize for the most helpful advice goes to...

Meuniere · 24/10/2020 21:23

@Smallsteps88

If he wants to work from home, she has to accept it because it’s his home. But if she needs some alone time, he doesn’t have to veto it and she has to find other ways to do that confused. I thought this is her home too!

Nope, try again. Not at all what I said. If she wants time alone she can have time alone. She doesn’t get to dictate he leaves his home two days a week to provide her with it though. He isn’t asking her to leave her home.

Let’s put it in reverse, is he allowed to have two days at home alone without OP there if he feels he wants some time alone at home?

@Smallsteps88 but it’s not as simple as that is it?

When the DH is working at home, she has to make concessions as to what she does in the house, keep quiet etc... She has no other choice but making some specific efforts FOR HIM (regardless of the reason. And esp if it then comes down to him been able to chose to work from home because it works better for him due his AS).

It’s then inky fair for him to make a similar effort for her dont you think? The OP knows she needs some space and that she needs two days. This might well not be possible as you so u helpfully pointed out.
But she can establish what it is she needs for two days in peace. Would it be possible for him to leave her in peace and not come in the room for two days the same way she has to when he is in a call? Would it be possible for him to go out for an afternoon at the weekend (when circumstances allow) to have some free time whilst she can potter about in the house with no one around?

I d9nt know the answer on that one and not do you. Only the OP can see what it is in these days when he would be at work that makes everything so much more easy.

As for comments such as @Oblomov20.... well what can I say? So far off the mark....

Smallsteps88 · 24/10/2020 21:26

It’s then inky fair for him to make a similar effort for her dont you think?

I agree, and said so in my most recent post. A similar effort is required from him. Compromise from both of them. Which I don’t think him leaving the house is, unless he wants to.

CityCommuter · 24/10/2020 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stancat · 24/10/2020 22:11

@Seychelles98 OP doesn't owe you or anyone else a reply. She was looking for opinions, she has plenty to read through. If she wants to engage she can. She doesn't have to reply, just like she doesn't have to work.

Her employment status isn't up for debate here, why does it bother you if she has a job or not. Your comments are clearly abrasive and looking to upset someone who has openly said they suffer with anxiety. You are a bully and it's pretty pathetic behaviour.

Radiatornoise · 24/10/2020 22:11

Are you the husband @Seychelles98?

nosswith · 24/10/2020 22:20

I think working from home will continue for those who can well into the New Year.

What you should encourage is a daily walk, even if not together. If you were to have an hour separately it may help both of you. Routine that this brings may help you both.

Original poster

Teddybear27 · 25/10/2020 08:29

@Seychelles98
Hello Seychelles, first of all thank you for your reply and not only your reply but MANY other people that have taken the time and effort to reply to me. I REALLY appreciate it.
First of all I was having an off day/evening and felt a little frustrated about things, what I should have done is drafted something on my phone, left it for a day, gone back to it and realised how pathetic and selfish I was being!
However, the comments I have received have been, shall we say, very enlightening, especially from you, Seychelles, but I thank you all for your honesty. If you want honesty, post on Mumsnet!! 😊
You have every right to give your opinion, of course you do, as I have asked for advice, but you don’t know me, as I don’t know you. So first of all I haven’t ‘disappeared’ and I DO have manners and consideration for others but maybe I wanted to go away and have a think about what was said and maybe it gave me something to think about.
No, I don’t work, I used to have a job, full time, that became extremely stressful and I was signed off and then left. I then looked around for other work of which there was very, very little. As my husband has a good job we decided that I would stay at home and he would work. I LOVE my husband dearly, he is my best friend and NO he is NOT @Seychelles98!! 😊 but he is kind, considerate and understanding..
I am not going to rise to some of these comments as some have been people wanting to start an argument.
I am not going to say anymore but thank you ALL for your comments. Some people will not be happy with this answer but I am not prepared to get into heated discussions with people I don’t know. So once again I say thank you for all your comments, just because someone doesn’t reply doesn’t mean they are not reading them..I won’t be replying again. Thank you....

OP posts:

Apassingglance · 25/10/2020 09:28

Hi Teddybear I hope you are ok, and I think it's a good decision not to engage with goady posters on this thread. Your reply
is extremely gracious in the circumstances. Fwiw, I don't think you are being pathetic and selfish, so please don't feel that way about yourself. This pandemic is difficult in many different ways for lots of different people. I have a family member who absolutely loves the fact that her DH and three of her almost adult children have returned home and she never gets a second to herself, which is how she likes it. I on the other hand am feeling stifled and claustrophobic with everyone at home; I'm finding it difficult to be focused and calm. Anxiety can range from mild to full blown PTSD and agoraphobia, you don't owe anyone an explanation. I think some people on here are very quick to judge without thought or empathy. Good luck and I hope you find a way to make your daily routines at home with your DH workable and less stressful for you

Oblomov20 · 25/10/2020 13:04

Look. I'm sorry my previous message was so short and blunt. I was rushing and that's not good.

But my advice remains the same. You need to deal with this. In a variety of ways.

You clearly have very bad anxiety which you need to see your GP about. It's not normal to suffer anxiety so badly. Your GP is failing you in their duty of care if they allow you to suffer so.

If your anxiety did get better you might actually be able to get a job. You might love this! It could be the making of you!

I do accounts. I do 2 days for one company, 2 for another. I adore doing accounts. But being home with Dh and 2 ds's I too have found it claustrophobic and I've hated it. I prefer going to the office for 2 days, and this covid WFH crap that most other MN'ers adore, I hate with a passion.

So I really do understand. But you must talk to your Dh about it. You must communicate.

Oblomov20 · 25/10/2020 13:11

And when I told you to appreciate what you have. Sorry. That sentence was too blunt too.

But I mean it. You at least have a husband and a nice life? Thank the lord for that at least!

I have a problem being grateful. I have my own share of problems, believe you me! I have a health condition which is brittle, and my eldest son has bought me to my fucking knees. Literally.

But I chose a very good husband and I have a good life. I should be more grateful but I'm not. Who am I suppose to thank? God? The reason I have these things is because I made it happen!

Do even though I don't adhere to these policies myself! I can at least encourage you to be grateful for what you do have!

Abracadabra12345 · 25/10/2020 16:24

I really hope your DH can have his own room to use as his office and keep the door shut, as happens with friends. Then it’s less an office, because there are separate and defined areas.

I need time and space alone and I think this was what that was about. Once you work out a routine which allows this, you’ll feel more at ease. You’re not unreasonable and are clearly a very loving and appreciative person.

Nanny0gg · 25/10/2020 17:21

@Seychelles98

It's nice of you OP *@teddybear27* to disappear and not even respond to any of the advice you've been given... it just shows the measure of you really and that is you have no manners or consideration for your hard working DH and no manners for the general public either...

Anxiety my arse, more like laziness and too used to getting your own way... lots of people have anxiety and still manage to work because they have to, they don't have the luxury of 'realising how lucky they are' as you so kindly put it... see your GP about your anxiousness and then get a job and help take the burden of your DH for being responsible for paying for everything...

Wow!

Thought I'd strayed into AIBU by mistake!

How can you be so rude about a complete stranger based on a few lines of text? You have no idea of the decision making process behind their relationship so you were just being nasty for the sake of it.

Yumeni · 25/10/2020 19:34

“This is our home, not our office”

Sorry but without him you wouldn’t have a home and stuff to hover around. And no, it’s not a matter of him having an Aspergers because you are the one not being fair and understanding here. Sounds to me that you enjoy the perks of having a husband you can rely on financially but still want to do things your way. Spoiled brat indeed.

During his day off, just arrange one room in your house for him to be use as home office.

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