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Original poster

Hubby working from home....

70 replies

Teddybear27 · 23/10/2020 21:19

Hubby and I been together 16 years, married for nearly 14. No children. Husband has a good job. I don’t work, housewife..suffer with anxiety..
Due to Covid husband is still working (thankfully) but has been working from home since mid March. Hubby said the company are reviewing this in the New Year. When I asked hubby this evening about this he said he may go back to the office one, maybe, two days a week when the company starts to go back. I think if it was up to my husband he would work from home all the time if he could.
Hubby has mild Aspergers, so has hardly any friends and very rarely goes out and is not very tactile at all. I love him dearly and he is my best friend but I am an only child and I like my own space from time to time. As we all do.
I don’t mean to sound selfish but I really need to know that in the New Year I have a couple of days to myself to get things done or just spend a couple of hours on my own without him being at home all the time 24/7
While he has been working from home there are times I have had to be more quiet than usual or he has asked me what I am doing while I have been tidying up as he is just about to do a conf call and I can’t start hoovering while he is on a call. Sometimes these calls last most of the afternoon.
I appreciate that he is still able to work from home but this is our home, not his office. I have to be careful what I say, as he is Aspergers and might get upset we have both suffered with depression at different times due to external factors. Any advice would be appreciated. Anyone else in this position? I am aware I have a lot to be grateful for. Thanks.

OP posts:

Turquoisesea · 24/10/2020 09:14

It is a difficult situation, but one that’s happening for a lot of people right now. My DH is WFH and has been since March. We’ve got 2 DCs and have a 3 bedrooms house so my DH’s office is in our bedroom, meaning every week day although I can pop in and out to get stuff I can’t go in there for any length of time as my DH is on calls pretty much most of the day. This is much better than him being in the kitchen as that really impacted me but at least in the bedroom he shuts the door and I’ve got the rest of the house to myself when the DCs are at school. I’m lucky in a way as a work part time so 3 days a week I go into the office and I work by myself so do get time where I’m alone but am still working. I haven’t been in the house by myself since March and normally on my 2 days off no one else would be at home. It’s not ideal but I think as others have said, it is what it is. I’m grateful we’ve both still got jobs to be honest. It’s a difficult time for everyone but it’s no ones fault and we’ve just got to accept it’s the new normal for now.

itbemay1 · 24/10/2020 09:25

Family of 4 here all school/WFH it's a nightmare, house stuff gets done in evening.

ApolloandDaphne · 24/10/2020 09:35

I have the same here. My DH works long hours and is mostly on calls from 7.30/8 am up to 6 pm. I am retired and at home too. I don't do noisy tasks during the day. We clean together at the weekend. It's not ideal for either for us but we recognise we are lucky to have space for him to work and i can keep the domestic side going. I'm also a part time uni student so I have course work to keep me occupied. Maybe you need to look into finding some online courses for yourself OP? There are loads of free ones out there.

Sophoa · 24/10/2020 09:39

OP presumably you don’t live in a studio. If so then surely your husband can work in one room with the door closed and you can get on with your day. Maybe you can’t hoover but surely you can do anything else,

Florencex · 24/10/2020 10:07

I have similar circumstances, together 16 years married 14 years, no children and I am currently not working. DH has been working from home since mid March too.

I think you are being really unreasonable. I love having my husband at home, we have lunch together and a morning and afternoon tea break. For the first month or so he worked on a table in the living room and of course I am not going to hoover when he is on a call, of course I am not going to sit there with the TV on or playing loudly with the dogs. I keep it down or make myself scarce.

After the first month he moved into the home office, moved our own stuff out of the way and put his works computer in. Do you not have another room that you can convert into an office? Other than when DH joins me for breaks, I wouldn’t know he is here.

I don’t think it is very nice to say you need your husband out of the house a couple of days a week so you can have time to yourself, I do hope you won’t say that to him. It is his house too, perhaps you can find something that takes you out of the house for some time to yourself.

In the new year I think my DH may return to the office a day or so a week. I think he will be happy to do that as he likes the comaraderie and I will be happy because I know it is something he will like.

WitchesSpelleas · 24/10/2020 10:13

I really don't think it's fair to try to push your husband back into the office because you want some space.

I'm in a similar position to your husband - my husband has always been at home all day (he had a part time evening job in hospitality before being furloughed). I've been WFH full time since the spring. If my husband told me he wanted me to go back to the office so he could have some space at home... my reply wouldn't be pretty!

DianaT1969 · 24/10/2020 10:37

Your DH has been travelling to work for years while he would probably have much preferred being WFH. Now is his chance. You need to celebrate and embrace that with him. Look at this as a wake up call. There's no reason you would ever need to hoover during working hours.
Get out and stay busy yourself. It's between you and your DH if you don't want to work, but Covid has meant that a lot more jobs are being done from home - so the job market may have opened up to you (albeit there will be lots of competition for every job).
The key takeaway here is that your DH has the chance of a better lifestyle.

Whitehorsewaves · 24/10/2020 10:46

I think you are being massively unfair on your husband. If you want space go out. Don't push the poor guy back into the office just so you can have the house to yourself.

Anxiety isn't a get out card for life. Many people have crippling anxiety and still have bills to pay.

Normally I'd be sympathetic but tbh if I was in your partner's shoes I'd be pretty pissed off at your level of entitlement given you don't really contribute. Housework for two adults isn't exactly taxing.

billy1966 · 24/10/2020 10:47

OP,
Have you considered an outside office space in the garden?

This would be a break from the house for him and would give you both space.

Smallsteps88 · 24/10/2020 11:59

And where is op supposed to go for two days a week, the local bus shelter? At the moment, the op is unable to work.

Bus shelters are the only place that exist are they? Anyway, it’s besides the point. She doesn’t have to go anywhere, and neither does he. It’s their home. If he wants to work at home, his home, that’s something OP has to accept. If she insists he leaves two days a week then he gets to insist the same- where she goes is her problem go sort.

Sundance2741 · 24/10/2020 12:09

My husband started working from home many years ago. It made sense financially etc but I found it difficult to have him there at first (although I always worked part time too). I also like my own space though had two small children at the time so it wasn't as easy to find. I think it is an adjustment, but you can make it. You have to find a different routine and other activities you can do - maybe outside the home- that don't disturb his work. Harder now with less choice, but there must be something?

Apassingglance · 24/10/2020 14:05

If she insists he leaves two days a week then he gets to insist the same- where she goes is her problem go sort

Why? If my husband was ill I wouldn't insist that he goes anywhere.

The op thought her DH was going to be going back to work in the office in January, and is disappointed that this may not happen in the way she anticipated. I can really identify with that. Uncertainty is hard to deal with. She's allowed to feel a bit crap about it.

AuntyMabelandPippin · 24/10/2020 17:26

OP, I get what you're saying about the hoovering. When he was WFH I asked him what time he would be off calls so I could hoover and worked round that.

I also used to go for a long walk with my headphones on listening to podcasts to get a bit of me time.

Mind, I loved having him at home. I miss him now he's back in the office.

OldWomanSaysThis · 24/10/2020 17:36

I bet we are not back in the office until June 2021.

Smallsteps88 · 24/10/2020 17:38

Why? If my husband was ill I wouldn't insist that he goes anywhere.

If he wasn’t ill and was working from home would you insist he leave the home so you could have it to yourself?

Smallsteps88 · 24/10/2020 17:40

Ill or not, OP doesn’t have the monopoly on the house. She doesn’t get to decide when her husband can be there. If she wants to start insisting he needs to give her time alone there, then she can expect to do the same for him.

CrunchyNutNC · 24/10/2020 17:47

Ill or not, OP doesn’t have the monopoly on the house

But neither does her DH surely?

I feel for OP. It sounds like their lack of a proper home office space means she's now spending her days, effectively, in DH's workplace and understandably that's hard.

Meuniere · 24/10/2020 17:47

@Smallsteps88

And where is op supposed to go for two days a week, the local bus shelter? At the moment, the op is unable to work.

I don’t understand...

If he wants to work from home, she has to accept it because it’s his home.
But if she needs some alone time, he doesn’t have to veto it and she has to find other ways to do that . I thought this is her home too!

FWIW I think that people WFH can be a real challenge, wo adding MH issue or Asperger into the mix.
Some people take to it like du k to water. Some people don’t and struggle to be together every day and every hour.
Somehow BOTH of their needs have to be accommodated. My first idea would be a separate space for her DH. That’s what we did In our house (We did some work on the conservatory to make it usable as an office). Some people have set up a small in their bedroom etc....

If there is no other way than him working on the dining room, then yiu need to discuss how you have that al time. Starting with what been clear if what you need. Is it total quiet/being able to do as you please in the house/not seeing another human et....

CrunchyNutNC · 24/10/2020 17:49

where she goes is her problem go sort

Depends where she is, if she's in Wales believe she's not meant to go out except for exercise or food shopping. At the moment, more so than ever before, going out to public spaces isn't ideal, especially if it's just because DH wants to commandere the whole house all week.

Smallsteps88 · 24/10/2020 17:53

But neither does her DH surely?

He isn’t the one expecting his wife to leave so he can have it to himself.

Rach000 · 24/10/2020 17:54

I have been working from home since march and dont think I will be back in the new year. They are not going to be organised to get people back straight after xmas. I think it will be at least easter.
Think you need a job. If you have no kids dont you have a space for him to work and you just carry on. I have 2 kids and my husband has either been working from home as well or on furlough. Wish I could have days in the house on my own each week and not be working.

Smallsteps88 · 24/10/2020 17:56

If he wants to work from home, she has to accept it because it’s his home.
But if she needs some alone time, he doesn’t have to veto it and she has to find other ways to do that confused. I thought this is her home too!

Nope, try again. Not at all what I said. If she wants time alone she can have time alone. She doesn’t get to dictate he leaves his home two days a week to provide her with it though. He isn’t asking her to leave her home.

Let’s put it in reverse, is he allowed to have two days at home alone without OP there if he feels he wants some time alone at home?

Smallsteps88 · 24/10/2020 17:58

If they are in wales where they are in lockdown then it isn’t an option for him to go to the office to work. He has to work from home.

MessAllOver · 24/10/2020 18:01

Encourage him to take up cycling. Or hill-walking.

Whitehorsewaves · 24/10/2020 18:21

Encourage him to take up cycling. Or hill-walking.

why doesn't she take these activites up instead? would help her anxiety and get her out of the house? he's okay to pay the bills and keep the roof over their heads, but he should just be packed off when she wants him to.

Some real double standards on this thread.

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