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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Back cheating?

67 replies

QuesFrown · 22/10/2020 20:01

I suspected just before lockdown that DP was in a relationship with one of his colleagues. Actually I’d been suspicious for a while.
Confronted him during locks and he admitted it straight away. But lied about who it was. Then came clean immediately afterwards.

He cut all contact. He doesn’t know that I can access his phone, I know his passcode. I checked it regularly and could see nothing. But he had been very clever during the affair and deleted everything between them. I found enough though.

I wanted him to leave, logistically impossible at that time. He wanted to stay. He are living separately under the one roof but with an agreement that we will try to work this out. He will wait however long it takes.

Fast forward to now. Furlough ending for OW and they will begin working together again. There’s been a huge restructure and he has told me their paths won’t cross.

This is a lie. They may not cross often, but they will.

I have struggled all summer. I want to believe that he is saying this in a misguided attempt to reassure me.

I’ve checked his phone - there’s been at least 1 call to her that I saw. Plus he has been active frequently on the app he messages her through. He has other contacts on there but no messages or details of calls. So whatever he’s done, has been deleted.

I get that they are colleagues in a small team. Right now, in this climate and his industry a new job is not an option.

It’s just a matter of time isn’t it?

OP posts:
litterbird · 22/10/2020 20:33

Sadly, yes it is a matter of time. So, it’s either you who takes control and finishes it or you hang on and watch from the sidelines him reigniting the affair and then leaving. Sorry OP

Hesfamousforit · 22/10/2020 20:41

Ltb

user18594 · 22/10/2020 21:03

Run for the hills! You know how this is going to pan out... the fact he is just hiding it when you have already found him out shows that nothing is going to stop him and he doesn't see your relationship as something worth saving.

PeachesTheFlamingo · 22/10/2020 21:05

Sod waiting around to find out. He's already cheated and still up to no good. LTB!

SandyY2K · 22/10/2020 21:38

Is he remorseful?
What has he actually done to show his remorse?
Apart from being separated under one roof, what consequences has he had?
Do you know how long it went on for and how it started?

You don't need to answer on here, but the answers to those questions, may be an insight to whether he'll rekindle the affair.

Picktionary · 22/10/2020 21:43

Im sorry OP xxx

Ofgareth · 22/10/2020 21:47

Yes, speaking from experience of this almost exact scenario.

category12 · 22/10/2020 21:48

Well, you know he's not sticking to the no contact promise, so it's all over, already, isn't it?

Original poster
QuesFrown · 22/10/2020 22:00

He’s been very remorseful. He seemed really ashamed of what he’d done. Devastated for what he’s done to our family.

Consequent wise, I’m not sure there’s been any - apart from living as separated and the abuse I gave him at first. He’s certainly realised what he’s risked losing.

It started because we’d drifted apart - everyday stresses - a few more added in. He warned me but I dismissed him. Although I knew.

They work together, she’s single, no dcs. I guess it just developed over time through work. He told me it’d been physical since January and he didn’t see her after lockdown although the texting continued.

I’ve not begged him to stay, in fact I urged him to go. He said he didn’t want to.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/10/2020 22:04

Not so remorseful that he isn't still in contact, tho.

Cheating blokes cry when they're caught.

KatherineJaneway · 22/10/2020 22:06

Yes, it's over Flowers

MsDogLady · 22/10/2020 22:10

OP, affair recovery requires full transparency. If your H was truly remorseful, you would have open access to his phone and other devices. Also, he should be informing you of any contact with OW. Continued secrets, deletions, lies, and lies of omission are evidence of his untrustworthiness and a lack of commitment to restore trust. It appears that he is a bad bet.

SandyY2K · 22/10/2020 22:18

The sad thing is that affairs just create such a lack of trust and add in the fact that they work at the same place, it makes it so much harder to work through it all.

I don't think the spouse who cheats realises the devastation caused and how they turn everything upside down by cheating.

There's a book called How to help your spouse health from your affair by Linda Macdonald.

He needs to read that...maybe he'll get it, because feeling ashamed is really only because he was caught out.

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 22/10/2020 22:18

Cheating blokes cry when they're caught.
Absolutely they do. But IME it's always more of a 'you have NO idea how hard is been keeping this from you' type of cry...

category12 · 22/10/2020 22:25

My ex cried because he was very very sorry. He never wanted our relationship to end. But he just couldn't seem to keep it in his pants at the same time.

He was remorseful, he was suicidal, he was depressed, he was a sex addict, he was a whole range of things. But mostly he was sorry for himself and sexually incontinent. 5 years since our break-up he still wants to get back with me.

I couldn't be less impressed with cheaters' tears.

MMmomDD · 22/10/2020 22:38

It doesn’t have to be ‘once a cheater, always...’ - however for this to work you two need to do more than what seems to be happening. Which is not much.
For starters - there needs to be some couples counselling where you two beed to discuss your relationship and figure out how it will need to change so that it doesn’t happen again. He needs to do some soul searching and figure out what lead him to stray - was he bored? Was something missing for him? Etc

And, in addition - you need to agree on some ground rules. At least in this early phase there must be total transparency and open communication. You shouldn’t sneak around to check his phone. It needs to be open and unlocked.
You need to not be afraid to ask him who he is chatting to.

If you keep going as you are - you’ll only make yourself more and more unhappy, and this won’t end well.

cosmicbabe · 22/10/2020 22:41

For a start don't believe the crocodile tears and he will lie until the bitter end. I'm sorry to say. You need to leave and start again. For your own sanity at least. Good luck OP x

Original poster
QuesFrown · 22/10/2020 22:49

I always knew the true test would be when they both returned to work. I’d figured she’d likely not be made redundant. DP did put the feelers out for a different department but the cutbacks are huge - some areas are gone completely and most upwards of 60%. Its his skill and there’s no openings right now.

I believe that he’s not been in touch for months. She’s probably looking for answers - not that she deserves any - but he didn’t turn up for their usual late night text session one night and she never heard from him. He’d definitely be wary of a bad atmosphere in the office and she’s quite vocal and blunt so there’s a possibility there’s something there - but I’m not really buying it - just looking at all possibilities.

I’ve had a real low summer. A complete breakdown and he has helped to support me through that. I’ve done very little apart from work from home, he’s picked up the pieces. I’ve been very much on the edge. I partly think he’s lying about them working together to protect me. Naively thinking it’s for the best.

If I was the OW in this case? I think I’d be demanding some answers before facing him for the first time. (The work situation put them all at risk of redundancy so they may’ve avoided each other).

But I’m certainly not in denial. I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
QuesFrown · 22/10/2020 23:00

@MMmomDD

Thank you. Everything you’ve said makes sense. When I confronted him initially, I just told him I knew. I had no proof. He straightaway admitted it. I had snooped on his phone but really had nothing concrete. Everything on his phone is hidden anyway. Calls texts deleted. I can see his battery usage and know he’s been on the app but no new calls or texts showing. So whether I had open access or not, there’d be nothing to see.
He’d never chat or text in front of me. It’s done when out with the dog, or on a dash to the shop.

OP posts:
S0upertrooper · 22/10/2020 23:19

OP, if you don't have kids I'd cut my losses and end the relationship. His behaviour is making you behave in a way that is unhealthy to you, this isn't good for you. He hasn't done anything to show he is remorseful and plans to change his behaviour, this is his responsibility.

If you have kids I'd get some counselling for yourself to figure out if you love him enough to consider letting him stay. Recovering from an affair is a huge task and it will stay with you forever. I think sometimes it can be easier to walk away rather than try to make it work. You deserve to be happy and no one should feel like this.

Original poster
QuesFrown · 22/10/2020 23:46

Have dcs otherwise it’d have been over straight away.

I recognise how unhealthy and bad this is for me. I can’t live like this.

I’m not sure I’m currently strong enough to cope with everything on my own.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 23/10/2020 00:06

I agree that couples counselling would be worth doing.

Even with the best will in the world, getting through an affair and reconciling successfully is very challenging...never mind if they work together.

As far as the OW wanting answers...well if I was her I'd assume my married BF has been rumbled and stay away.

Perhaps he should have sent a no contact letter to her....but that ship has sailed.

You might find these links helpful/interesting.

www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/6idx3v/ap_just_broke_nocontact/?utm_source=amp&utm_medium=&utm_content=post_body

drkathynickerson.com/blogs/relationship/18032276-how-to-end-an-affair-sample-break-up-letter

Original poster
QuesFrown · 23/10/2020 00:34

Tonight is not the night I needed this, but it won’t go away and I can’t sleep.

He called her this morning, not for long. He took the dog for a walk and was back so quickly. That’s when he called her. Maybe she called him.

She’s just sent a picture messsge ‘ if I lived my life again I’d find you sooner’ .

She’s Definitely still after him.

He may have been telling her to leave him alone (ok I know, could be unlikely)

I actually think (and thought at the time) that he was almost relieved to be caught - didn’t hesitate to deny it. He used to ignore her messages for hours and she’d just keep bombarding him.

She frequently stalks me on Facebook.

Dp would actually really struggle to be horrible to her. He would struggle be mean. He’s a yes person, he’ll do anything for people.

I’m not trying to exonerate him - just trying to look at it from all angles.

OP posts:
newnameforthis123 · 23/10/2020 00:52

Dp would actually really struggle to be horrible to her. He would struggle be mean. He’s a yes person, he’ll do anything for people.

Lots of men pull this - I'm too nice for my own good routine.

He isn't struggling to be horrible to you by engaging with her.

He isn't struggling to be mean to you by engaging with her.

He won't do 'anything' for you because he's lied repeatedly and is still engaging with her.

He went on a dog walk as an excuse to have a conversation with her. Doesn't matter if he initiated it or she did - it was planned because he used the dog walk as cover.

'Nice guys' who aren't 'nice' to their actual partners and do something they know would hurt them, behind their back, aren't nice at all really are they?

Anordinarymum · 23/10/2020 02:44

@QuesFrown

Tonight is not the night I needed this, but it won’t go away and I can’t sleep.

He called her this morning, not for long. He took the dog for a walk and was back so quickly. That’s when he called her. Maybe she called him.

She’s just sent a picture messsge ‘ if I lived my life again I’d find you sooner’ .

She’s Definitely still after him.

He may have been telling her to leave him alone (ok I know, could be unlikely)

I actually think (and thought at the time) that he was almost relieved to be caught - didn’t hesitate to deny it. He used to ignore her messages for hours and she’d just keep bombarding him.

She frequently stalks me on Facebook.

Dp would actually really struggle to be horrible to her. He would struggle be mean. He’s a yes person, he’ll do anything for people.

I’m not trying to exonerate him - just trying to look at it from all angles.

All I can say to you is if this were my bloke I would kick him to the kerb. No time for sneaking and cheating, robbing you of having a decent life free from doubt.