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Original poster

Back cheating?

67 replies

QuesFrown · 22/10/2020 20:01

I suspected just before lockdown that DP was in a relationship with one of his colleagues. Actually I’d been suspicious for a while.
Confronted him during locks and he admitted it straight away. But lied about who it was. Then came clean immediately afterwards.

He cut all contact. He doesn’t know that I can access his phone, I know his passcode. I checked it regularly and could see nothing. But he had been very clever during the affair and deleted everything between them. I found enough though.

I wanted him to leave, logistically impossible at that time. He wanted to stay. He are living separately under the one roof but with an agreement that we will try to work this out. He will wait however long it takes.

Fast forward to now. Furlough ending for OW and they will begin working together again. There’s been a huge restructure and he has told me their paths won’t cross.

This is a lie. They may not cross often, but they will.

I have struggled all summer. I want to believe that he is saying this in a misguided attempt to reassure me.

I’ve checked his phone - there’s been at least 1 call to her that I saw. Plus he has been active frequently on the app he messages her through. He has other contacts on there but no messages or details of calls. So whatever he’s done, has been deleted.

I get that they are colleagues in a small team. Right now, in this climate and his industry a new job is not an option.

It’s just a matter of time isn’t it?

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 23/10/2020 04:18

I'd have his bags packed. He's lying blatantly....still speaking to her.

Don't put up with this!

MsDogLady · 23/10/2020 04:27

Your P is responsible for protecting his fidelity and loyalty to you. He is failing miserably. By slipping out to engage with OW, he is still betraying you.

Original poster
QuesFrown · 23/10/2020 04:42

I know. And I know what I need to do.

I’ll remind him of the no contact. Ask him if there’s been any. And warn him not to lie.

Then I’ll tell him to leave.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 23/10/2020 05:10

OP kick him out. He's a liar and a cheat. It's rare for them to change

KatherineJaneway · 23/10/2020 05:30

@QuesFrown

I know. And I know what I need to do.

I’ll remind him of the no contact. Ask him if there’s been any. And warn him not to lie.

Then I’ll tell him to leave.

Good luck
Original poster
QuesFrown · 23/10/2020 06:21

I feel ok. Not sure where I’ll get the strength from but I will.
I worry about my ability to cope with the dcs and their emotions when I feel so fragile mentally myself.
I just hope he’ll go. I don’t think he will.

OP posts:
footprintsintheslow · 23/10/2020 06:32

I think you've got a good plan, breezily ask him if he's been in contact.

Get a solicitor from a recommendation and get him out. He's not 'too' nice. He's picking and choosing who to be nice to.

Original poster
QuesFrown · 23/10/2020 07:01

I know what you’re saying about who he’s being nice to. Believe me, it’s a cultural thing, he would find it very hard to not be nice.
I get that by his actions, he’s not being nice to me. I think his issue is the lies.

The whole basis of us trying again, seeing if can fix things, is for there to be no more lies.

It’s time to start thinking about how our relationship progresses from here.

( there have been some fairly big changes that will also have an impact going forwards)

Will you be working with her again? (Actually I’ve just gone through their shifts and they are on complete opposites so no shifts together at all)

Have you been in contact?

If he lies, it’s over and I’ll ask him to leave.

If he says yes, I’ll see what he has to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
QuesFrown · 23/10/2020 19:54

Well I asked him. He said he’d not contacted her at all but she has called and text him a few times. He ignores her calls and tells her not to keep texting.
Strange because his phone records said he called her last week and today he’d spent 20 minutes of the past hour (battery usage) on the app they text and call through.
He’s said next time she messages we’ll write a response together. (I guess he’ll need to prep her!)

He looked guilty and I know he’s lying. He knows he’s out when I uncover it. He had his chance to come clean. He phone remains in his pocket!

OP posts:
newnameforthis123 · 23/10/2020 22:14

If he lies, it’s over and I’ll ask him to leave.

I'm so sorry my love but this is what's happened - he's lied. And I don't know how you can come back from that with him. I don't think you should have to. He's a liar and he had a chance to come clean and didn't. You deserve more than this.

Onxob · 23/10/2020 22:31

You are going to drive yourself crazy. This man has already contributed to you having a breakdown. You may feel unable to face it all alone but that's because you're so grounded down with stress and worry, I bet if you get rid of this lying, cheating scumbag your strength will come back. Taking the first step is the hardest but you need to end this for your mental health. End it OP. Just get rid of him.

category12 · 23/10/2020 23:27

What are you doing? What do you need to uncover?

You know he's lied.

It's game over already, isn't it? What are you stringing it out for?

SandyY2K · 23/10/2020 23:31

Is there any reason he can't block her?
I'm assuming she calls on his personal phone, rather than a work one?

BlueThistles · 23/10/2020 23:54

Lies and more lies... he's pacifying you as the cost of Divorce is too darned high.. whereas he keeps her on the side and gives her the heads-up that you're 'both' going to text her a 'back off' text. Ask yourself this OP.. why does she always manage to text and call when he's out with the dog a walk ..the lass either has second sight or your DH is a prize cretin 🌺

KatherineJaneway · 24/10/2020 05:18

Sounds like game over to me. He knows your onto him but he won't stop.

MsDogLady · 24/10/2020 05:36

He said he’d not contacted her at all...Strange because his phone records said he called her last week...He knows he’s out when I uncover it.

But you have uncovered his lie.

He doesn’t value or appreciate his second chance.

Theperfectpartner · 24/10/2020 06:08

Oh dear. Lots of very old fashioned advice and reactions here. Ladies - it's 2020 and we've moved on! Buy him a copy of "Mating in captivity", but make sure you read it first! Tell him that you understand that monogamy is an artificial (Christian) construct created to control individual behaviour. Remind him that what is good for the goose is good for the gander and he should only continue with his colleague if he wants you to have sex on the side too. Apologise to him for snooping on his phone and recognise that we are all entitled to privacy and secrets in our lives ( you too!). Recognise what brought you together in the first place, what are the objectives you have as a couple and the purpose of you staying together. Be a real woman and show him this post! He will consider himself fortunate not to be in a relationship with some of the other mums on here.

Fizzysours · 24/10/2020 07:25

Wow @Theperfectpartner smugness much!! OP asked for opinions. Yours is one of them, but I shouldn't think people listen to you much, since you're pretty convinced every one else's is dim. People tune smugness out as it usually goes along with an inability to understand differing opinions.

BlueThistles · 24/10/2020 08:28

Lots of very old fashioned advice and reactions here.

Your submissive lifestyle choices are very dated and unhealthy.

davekim · 24/10/2020 08:32

@Theperfectpartner

Oh dear. Lots of very old fashioned advice and reactions here. Ladies - it's 2020 and we've moved on! Buy him a copy of "Mating in captivity", but make sure you read it first! Tell him that you understand that monogamy is an artificial (Christian) construct created to control individual behaviour. Remind him that what is good for the goose is good for the gander and he should only continue with his colleague if he wants you to have sex on the side too. Apologise to him for snooping on his phone and recognise that we are all entitled to privacy and secrets in our lives ( you too!). Recognise what brought you together in the first place, what are the objectives you have as a couple and the purpose of you staying together. Be a real woman and show him this post! He will consider himself fortunate not to be in a relationship with some of the other mums on here.
Hmm
category12 · 24/10/2020 08:37

It's pretty clear op wants monogamy, so advising her to make herself miserable by pretending she doesn't, isn't particularly modern advice.

Theperfectpartner · 24/10/2020 09:20

Monogamy - "a single relationship between people who marry as virgins, remain sexually exclusive their entire lives, and become celibate upon the death of the partner".
I've heard of such people. Never met any. I thought they died out in the 1960s.

Original poster
QuesFrown · 24/10/2020 09:25

@MsDogLady

He said he’d not contacted her at all...Strange because his phone records said he called her last week...He knows he’s out when I uncover it.

But you have uncovered his lie.

He doesn’t value or appreciate his second chance.

No he certainly doesn’t. I wanted to give him a chance to be honest. I knew it was unlikely, but if she was harassing him, or not taking no for an answer, he could tell me. He said something along those lines but lied by saying he’d not spoken to her. He deletes everything - call records, messages.

He’s not going to leave. I know he won’t.

OP posts:
category12 · 24/10/2020 09:32

@Theperfectpartner

Monogamy - "a single relationship between people who marry as virgins, remain sexually exclusive their entire lives, and become celibate upon the death of the partner". I've heard of such people. Never met any. I thought they died out in the 1960s.
Rubbish, that's not the definition. It's the practice or habit of having one mate or partner at a time. Hmm You're not Humpty Dumpty you know.

Op, you've already given him the chance to be honest. He lied. How many times do you need him to lie to you?

HappyThursdays · 24/10/2020 09:51

It's v sad but what you're doing is setting tests for him and then seeing if he passes or fails in the hope that he might pass

The problem is every time he fails, another little part of you dies and let's face it, he's failed every time

Have a think about why you're doing it and whether you want to keep tormenting yourself