Back cheating?

[QuesFrown]

I suspected just before lockdown that DP was in a relationship with one of his colleagues. Actually I’d been suspicious for a while.
Confronted him during locks and he admitted it straight away. But lied about who it was. Then came clean immediately afterwards.

He cut all contact. He doesn’t know that I can access his phone, I know his passcode. I checked it regularly and could see nothing. But he had been very clever during the affair and deleted everything between them. I found enough though.

I wanted him to leave, logistically impossible at that time. He wanted to stay. He are living separately under the one roof but with an agreement that we will try to work this out. He will wait however long it takes.

Fast forward to now. Furlough ending for OW and they will begin working together again. There’s been a huge restructure and he has told me their paths won’t cross.

This is a lie. They may not cross often, but they will.

I have struggled all summer. I want to believe that he is saying this in a misguided attempt to reassure me.

I’ve checked his phone - there’s been at least 1 call to her that I saw. Plus he has been active frequently on the app he messages her through. He has other contacts on there but no messages or details of calls. So whatever he’s done, has been deleted.

I get that they are colleagues in a small team. Right now, in this climate and his industry a new job is not an option.

It’s just a matter of time isn’t it?

@Fizzysours

Wow *@Theperfectpartner* smugness much!! OP asked for opinions. Yours is one of them, but I shouldn't think people listen to you much, since you're pretty convinced every one else's is dim. People tune smugness out as it usually goes along with an inability to understand differing opinions.

You misunderstand...I understand differing options, but if you see someone banging their head against a brick wall and complaining of pain, suggesting they stop banging is actually the only sensible advice. Going against a few million years of human sexual behaviour just because of a fashion promulgated by various religious sects (Amish, Orthodox Christians & Jews etc etc) in the last few hundred years - excuse me while I stop for a pun "bad sex 'cos we're into bad sects!" - is not a recipe for happiness. The sooner OP realises this the better and not helped by the rather byzantine advice promulgated by the other PPs.

It's a shame your agenda is such that you need to completely misrepresent monogamy in order to argue against it.

"Rubbish, that's not the definition. It's the practice or habit of having one mate or partner at a time."
Ah good to know. How long does "a time" last? 5 mins, 5 hrs, 5 days, 5 years, 5 decades? Is 5 categories enough or should we expand to 12categories?

@Theperfectpartner

It rather devalues your argument when you claim to use a 'definition' of monogamy to challenge people and it isn't actually the definition of monogamy at all... Have a quick google and learn - you'll look much less silly.

Dp would actually really struggle to be horrible to her. He would struggle be mean. He’s a yes person, he’ll do anything for people.

Please don’t make these excuses for him, if this was true he would apply these lofty morals to his DW above all.

He has no such morals, you deserve better.

I quoted the definition from wiki. If you read the article you referred to, you would have realised this. Since monogamy is either absolute or relative, (having one partner at "a time"), the OP is effectively tying herself in knots because she is upset about the definition of what it means to be serially as opposed to absolutely monogamous. Most people in the UK are both discretely and discreetly polygamous, in other words they have many partners over their lifetime and sometimes simultaneously (for the sake of argument, let's call this having a relationship with two people within the same week). Since the serially monogamous object to the discretely polygamous , not realising that they are more or less one and the same thing (!) the polygamous end up generally being discreet about their relationships which is what the OP's partner is attempting rather miserably to do and failing and causing the OP all sorts of mental suffering. If the OP realised that the ethical and practical difference between being serially monogamous and discretely polygamous is so small as to be negligible, the problem might disappear of its own accord.

@Theperfectpartner it's great we all have different opinions to help OP, but you are rather making this thread all about you now and derailing it away from the original post and from people actually helping the OP.

@Theperfectpartner this thread is not the platform for this behaviour, as you should very well know.

I have no idea what your agenda is from your long, incoherent, ramblings, but this thread is about helping an OP in pain.

Go away. (Start your own thread on the subject if you must; it sounds like it might be rather amusing, if confusing, on a dull weekend ).

@Theperfectpartner

You sound like you often twist things and disingenuously misrepresent things to make a point that has little validity.

Rambling posts with the odd long word thrown in here and there aren't the way to sound coherent or wise. You sound really defensive and quite angry.

The lack of empathy is astounding too, telling OP she needs to change her approach to monogamy (one shared by the majority of people) and not care that her partner has betrayed their agreed relationship construct.

Polyamory is fine, I don't care how many people someone sleeps with at any one time or different times. As long as the parties involved aren't being told they are in monogamous relationships when they aren't.

Surely that's not hard to understand.

You're arguing that polyamory is healthier and more natural. You could make a good argument for that. Arguing polyamory is in any way acceptable in a relationship someone's partner believes to be monogamous is ridiculous.

He could request polyamory and she could then make an informed decision as to whether to stay or not. He hasn't done that. He's shagged someone else again, could have played Russian roulette with her sexual health and devastated her.

And your reaction is to come onto the thread and tell her she shouldn't listen to people empathising and telling her someone lying to her and shagging people behind her back, but instead should change her views on monogamy / polyamory to stay with him...

Do you own the house together or rent?

I guess you can force sale of the house to get him out?

@HappyThursdays

It's v sad but what you're doing is setting tests for him and then seeing if he passes or fails in the hope that he might pass

The problem is every time he fails, another little part of you dies and let's face it, he's failed every time

Have a think about why you're doing it and whether you want to keep tormenting yourself

I know. I recognise this. In my defence I’m completely alone in this. Have no rl friends or family to support me through this. I have other massive things I’m dealing with at the moment which could cloud my judgement. We’ve also got DC who this will massively impact. I don’t know how I will cope financially. I could be forced to move to a cheaper area. The m a procrastinator at the best of times and currently suffering with terrible anxiety. I’ve not had more than 3 hours sleep for several nights, even taking relaxants. For myself I need to explore every avenue. Whilst I truly appreciate everyone’s support, only I know my dp and there are certain things that about him that give me reason to question his actions. But I’ve not completely naive either.

[quote newnameforthis123]@Theperfectpartner

You sound like you often twist things and disingenuously misrepresent things to make a point that has little validity.

Rambling posts with the odd long word thrown in here and there aren't the way to sound coherent or wise. You sound really defensive and quite angry.

The lack of empathy is astounding too, telling OP she needs to change her approach to monogamy (one shared by the majority of people) and not care that her partner has betrayed their agreed relationship construct.

Polyamory is fine, I don't care how many people someone sleeps with at any one time or different times. As long as the parties involved aren't being told they are in monogamous relationships when they aren't.

Surely that's not hard to understand.

You're arguing that polyamory is healthier and more natural. You could make a good argument for that. Arguing polyamory is in any way acceptable in a relationship someone's partner believes to be monogamous is ridiculous.

He could request polyamory and she could then make an informed decision as to whether to stay or not. He hasn't done that. He's shagged someone else again, could have played Russian roulette with her sexual health and devastated her.

And your reaction is to come onto the thread and tell her she shouldn't listen to people empathising and telling her someone lying to her and shagging people behind her back, but instead should change her views on monogamy / polyamory to stay with him...[/quote]
Glad I elicited a long rambling post from you. I hope it kept you off the streets for a while. (Joking) Unfortunately you (and most of the other PPs) on here are prescribing aspirin to treat a headache (ie stopping feeling the pain) and not going to the fundamental root cause, which is why the head is aching in the first place. Allow me to "give a new name for this" : advice that heals rather than sympathetic bullshit which will leave OP in the mess she's in.

No, changing her expectations to "my partner will shag around, but so could I" doesn't take away the pain of wanting a monogamous relationship and getting cheated on. What would you recommend if he beat her, change her expectations to getting punched on a regular basis but she can punch back?

Dear OP, reading the responses from PPs, I've been criticised for not being empathetic. That is not my intention. I genuinely would like to help you. Divorce/separation in your case is obviously an option, but not one that i would recommend as it normally simply postpones pain and only a minority of divorcees are genuinely happier later on. You probably know this, but a successful relationship is based on Love, Trust and Respect. May I suggest that neither of you are showing much (at least from your description) of any of these at the moment. You probably don't want to hear this, but from your account you are BOTH guilty of underperforming on all three. This is an excellent talk on Love which I recommend. ://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ctz6eJ3Pr94&ab_channel=SydneyOperaHouse. Watch it with your partner and discuss! I think it may help.

I hope it kept you off the streets for a while. (Joking)

What's the joke @Theperfectpartner? Genuinely, I don't get what you meant here in your response to me?

advice that heals rather than sympathetic bullshit which will leave OP in the mess she's in.

Breaking up with someone she has a toxic and unhealthy relationship with due to his cheating and her resulting absence of trust would heal more than staying with him and expecting to be ok with him despite his repeated disrespect of their agreed relationship boundaries. The mess she's in is her current relationship. There are plenty of people who want to have monogamous relationships. OP is one of them. So she is well within her rights to want to be with someone else who also wants monogamy. Rather than turning herself inside out to accommodate someone who wants something different, whether her current partner or a future one.

He has lied to you from the off and continues to lie to you.

He has been in contact with her the whole time, I can guarantee you that.

And as soon as they get back to work the physical side with restart.

He isn't threatened with missing you as he see you as a push over, everytime you confront him he gets you a shit answer and you accept it.

If he was serious, he would have deleted the app, blocked her number, removed her from social media.

He is lieing and you are buying it